Thursday, April 15, 2010

Roger Goodell Hates The Children

Back in the glory days of 1985, the Monsters of the Midway were dominating on the football field and hair metal was as popular as ever. Stop's true. The Bears were once good and Bret Michaels was more than just a reality TV douche. It was that year that iconic metal man, Ronnie James Dio, decided that hair bands needed to start actually helping people. The man who reportedly invented the "devil horns" gesture decided to rip off "We Are The World" with his own amalgam of good deeds, horseshit, and even more horseshit.

So he decided to gather a bunch of heavy hitters from the world of metal to do a benefit album for famine in Africa. I don't know if it was for famine to stop or continue, but either way, the idea was out there. As you can see from the accompanying picture, a shitload of rockers showed up (whether they did so because they wanted to or if it was court-ordered, we will never know). This collaboration was cutely known as "Hear 'N Aid". Retarded name aside, their big single was titled "Stars". It is the worst song/video I've ever seen. Go ahead, take 8 minutes out of your life to watch this musical fetus. I'll wait.

Terrible, wasn't it? I don't know what made me laugh the most. Was it Dio being the only one who took this project seriously? Was it the unnecessary guitar solos from forty different guys that stretched out a 2 minute song to 7:12? Was it the random appearance of Spinal Tap? Was it the guy from Quiet Riot being a gaping asshole with his pink jacket? Or was it just a ton of "metal" artists standing on risers and singing along to the dipshittiest lyrics ever written? Either way, this blew. I like hairbands, but I can point to THIS fucking idea as the beginning of the end of this wild and crazy musical genre. It was a great idea as helping the less fortunate usually is, but the follow through was vomit-inducing. Basically, the concept went to shit quicker with each junkie that agreed to do the project.

Now, with the foundation for this post being laid, let's talk about Roger Goodell who will be playing the role of Ronnie James Dio in today's post. We may even refer to him as "Holy Ginger" as well (for the record, the best Dio song ever is "Man on the Silver Mountain" but that is beside the point). So Goodell is in a bit of a tight spot here with this whole Big Ben fiasco. They had their meeting and now the decision is in his hands. He really only has two options: you either suspend the guy for conduct detrimental to the league's image or you do nothing. Option 1 is tricky since there have been no charges filed against him and would lead to a surefire war with the player's union. Option 2 is just as devious because it could be turned into a race issue. Holy Ginger is in a tough spot. How do you rule on this and make it for the greater good of the NFL?

But this had me thinking, this is nothing new for Goodell. Tough decisions appear to be Goodell's middle name. He has been in charge for almost 5 years now and has tried to make his league more appealing to the fans while enhacing the on-field product. The League is his Hear 'N Aid and we the fans are the broke-ass Africans. He wants to do something nice for us, but I've realized that all he is really doing is making "Stars". Over and over and over again. When it comes down to it, Holy Ginger has had 8 major tweaks during his tenure as commissioner and they have ALL sucked. Let's go down the list:

1. The new Pro Bowl! No one still played in it anyway and the best players on the best teams had to be replaced with guys from the Redskins and Jaguars. Would they have played had things stayed the same? Probably not but anytime that David Garrard is playing in an all-star game, that is a massive failure.

2. European expansion! Have you met anyone who likes this idea? Regular season games in London make about as much sense as playing cricket matches in Chicago.

3. He is talking about shitting on the World Series! This just came out yesterday, but the league is talking about putting a SNF game on against game 3 of the World Series. Why would you do this? There is no reason to piss off the other leagues. This is just pure ego.

4. The NFL Network disaster! I am one of the 12 people in the country that gets this network yet the league insists on putting 6-8 games per year on it. Either settle with EVERY cable company or don't show live games. It isn't that hard.

5. Playing a Super Bowl in New Jersey! Nothing beats a zero degree wind chill for the crown jewel of sports. There is a reason why the IOC doesn't have the summer Olympics in Siberia and it's because normal people don't like sitting outside in February for five hours.

6. Overtime! Just because Don Burgundy doesn't know the rules, does not mean that they need to be changed. I still don't get why this needed to be done. You already get 11-12 possessions per game yet somehow it's unfair if you don't get another one? And if you don't think that this rule is only in place because of Favre and Peyton, you are a fucking idiot.

7. Secret coin flips! I found this to just be absurd. Both the Giants and Jets wanted the first game in the new Meadowlands. Fine, whatever, I can see the reasons why they would want that. So Holy Ginger calls them up and says that the Giants will get it because...he just flipped a coin in his office! How scientific and good job not informing the teams that that was your plan.

8. The three day Draft! I was initially on board with this idea but now that the Draft is next week, I'm starting to hate it. NFL Draft Saturday was always one of my favorite days of the year and now it's reserved for the 4th-7th rounds. Fuck that. This isn't fan-friendly, it's a cash grab for more advertising and sponsorship. I have shit to do during the week (I'm umping Thursday and Friday next week), thanks for worrying about your fans, you daywalking colostomy bag.

This is Goodell's package to us. This is the first five years of his run as commissioner. Be honest, what did we need as fans? We need nothing. The game was fine the way it was. Sometimes, it's better to leave well enough alone. I have no faith in Holy Ginger to improve the watch-ability of the league. He is proving that he does not care about the fans at all. You know the adage, "nothing gold can stay"? Well, the NFL is not invincible. Eventually, it's popularity will take a hit. It could be starting now. Roger Goodell could be to the NFL what Stars was to hair metal. Sometimes, it's OK to let the famine remain in Africa.

Who cries for the children...I do.


Grumpy said...

A fucking terrible analogy, but it all makes sense in the end.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with every one of your points except 2 and 3.


GMoney said...

How can it be a terrible analogy yet you admit that it makes sense?

Drew, if you like this shit then we are enemies.

GMoney said...

Speaking of the NFL, I am now a proud owner of a Redskins shirt that says nothing more than "OFFSEASON CHAMPS" on it. I think that says it all. I had to have it.

MuDawgfan said...

The blacks are gonna be pissed off regardless - if it isn't Big Ben, someone else will force them to bitch and moan.

He didn't committ a felony, so he deserves different treatment.

Anonymous said...

1.) Nobody cared about the Pro Bowl before, so who cares what he does to it now? If anything, they should just get rid of it.

2.) Agree.

3.) Agree.

4.) I love the NFL Network and I don't give a fuck if people can't see their game. Go to a damn bar if you want to see it so bad. I hate when people bitch about not being able to see things that they could go somewhere to see if they wanted to see it so bad. The content on NFL Network is tremendous.

5.) What a dumb analogy. People don't run in the snow...people don't swim in the snow..people don't wrestle in the snow. People DO play football in the snow. I'd love to see an SEC team come up to the midwest for a game in late November. We saw how Da U peed their pants against Wisconsin when it was in the 40's in Tampa last year. Fuck the aerial attacks on turf...I'd love to see them have to deal with football weather.

6.) The new playoff OT rule is definitely better.

7.) Who gives a fuck about how he chooses who gets the first game in that stadium? I wouldn't care if he measured how big his shits were and said the first shit was bigger so the Giants get the game...cuz' I don't give a fuck who gets that game.

8.) The three draft is awesome...and that first round will get ratings that will crush what the Saturday draft got. Mark it down.


GMoney said...

Almost forgot! Update from yesterday's topic:

I went to Lowe's and got critter-killing shit. I open the garage door and a fucking mouse/vole (I can't tell the difference) comes strolling out. I hit it with a plastic snow shovel, got the hose out, and sprayed it into my neighbor's yard. Their dog can eat the remains. I felt like a really big man after that.

Grumpy said...

That's my problem with you. You say stupid shit, but by the end of the post I agree with you.

Tony B. said...

I have two problems here:

1) In the video, they show the singers singing, but not all the guitar players playing. It must have sucked to have been one of the guitar "experts" that they show sans guitar and just nodding their head over the mixing board.

2) Goodell has done alright, but for all his mistakes he could just bring back a more liberal touchdown dance policy and I'd feel better about everything. Why not let T.O. run all the way to the Cowboys' star and slam the ball down? Who doesn't want to seem team choreographed dances similar to the ones in "Any Given Sunday?"

Also, I went to YouTube to watch the video and here is the top comment: "Pure Epic Win. this is a big fuck you to all the Metal head haters who say they only care about getting laid and paid. this should be redone for Haiti." Riiiight.

GMoney said...

Tony, a benefit album is about the least metal thing possible.

Cooking up heroin and destroying hotel rooms = metal

Leave the humanitarian work to Kenny G and Michael Bolton.


Anxious for the G$ - NBA playoff preview! GO HAWKS!

Anonymous said...

I was a pretty big fan of the over abundance of fist pumps myself in that video. Some kind of record had to have been set. The new overtime rule really burns my ass hair. It's for crybaby pussies. You didn't like the old rule? Well, tough rhino dicks...if you don't like it, win it in regulation instead of sitting on the ball like a fuck because you're scared of making a mistake. Football is a game for people with balls...that's why men love it and women will never understand it properly.