Thursday, April 08, 2010

One Of The Worst Basketball Teams Ever

(Add 20 more players, no one wearing the same uni, and two coaches in over their heads and that was our team)

It's been awhile since I have regaled you all with stories from my past. Well fear not, because today we are hopping back to the years 1992 and 1993 for some tales that may be hard to believe but I swear are all true. So put on your Rec-Specs (do they still make those?) and enjoy.

7th grade basketball at Central Middle School was a new experience for all of us. This was the first time that we were all going to play together. Our coaches were green having never blown a whistle or run a practice before. You can blame us for the current "everyone gets a trophy" trend as we had no cuts. That meant that we had between 30-35 guys on the team. Seriously. That is not a joke. We wore three different styles of uniforms. The best 12 had the good ones, the fringe players wore the old uni's, and the shit players had jerseys from 1912 that only had numbers on them. It was bizarre. It took three minutes just to get through one rotation of pregame lay-up lines. We lost our first eight games of the year. We were DRILLED in all of them. We then went on an improbable 8 game winning streak before losing in the championship game of our end of the year tournament. Here are a handful of crazy but true stories from that winter.

Perrysburg - This was either the third or fourth game of the year and right in the middle of our losing streak. Somehow, we opened the game with an 8-0 lead. They called timeout and everything went to shit...over the remaining three and a half quarters. Don't believe me? We didn't score again until right before the first half buzzer when a prayer three went in to give us 11 points at the break. The final score was 58-12. We scored one fucking point in the second half. ONE! To make this even MORE pathetic, we oustcored ourselves in that second half 2-1. Yep, Schriner (or maybe Mike Donnett) made a basket for the other team. I swear to God that I am not making this up. He scored at the wrong basket.

Patrick Henry - The Patriots were an inter-county rival to us and being 0-6, we needed a big win. We responded in kind by trailing by 18 points at halftime. Almost forgot to mention that the score was 18-0 after two quarters. We got shutout. Coach lit into us pretty good at the break by either calling our opponents a bunch of rednecks or yelling "YOU GUYS ARE PLAYING LIKE PIG SHIT" (which got him reprimanded by school administrators days later) but it didn't matter because we got smoked anyway. I have not been able to confirm the correct quote and why would I since it happened almost 20 years ago. Another funny tale from this game is commenter Hoffman's dad screaming "HOMER" at the referees eventhough his son's team was scoreless. Classic.

Tinora - At 0-8 and with absolutely zero confidence, we finally had a winnable game on the schedule as the Rams invaded The Snake Pit on a Tuesday night (I have a good memory). Now, to be fair, our schedule was horribly balanced as every team we played in the first 8 games was MUCH better than we were. Anyway, we played really well and controlled the game from start to finish. With 3 minutes left, Coach pulls the starters and put in some of the fringe characters since we were up by 11. That backfired worse than the Wiz giving Gilbert Arenas 100 million dollars. With a minute left and Tinora pressing the shit out of our retards, we were only up 1. The starters were put back in. They took the lead with 15 seconds left. We called timeout to set up a play that we weren't going to run anyway because we all wanted to kill the coaches. I took the ball up the court and stopped at the right elbow. For some reason, the guy defending me just ran away. I didn't want to take the shot because I'm a little bitch and it showed. My 12 footer clanged off the back of the iron and the buzzer sounded before Spingo could get the shot off. We lost again and it never should have happened. BUT, for some reason, Sping still fired up his putback and banked it home two seconds after the horn. They fucking counted it anyway and we won. To this day, it is the worst call I have ever seen on a basketball court. We were already shaking hands with the other team before it even left his hand! We celebrated like we just won the lottery and we were officially off the schnide no thanks to my last second brick. God bless you, terrible referee.

St. Paul - We were separated from these parochial school faggots by a mile or so and the hatred ran deep. If it helps, Damman and Naptown Wolverine started for these guys. This game meant everything because bragging rights were huge. We were in the middle of our hot streak and eeked out a riveting 24-22 victory. This game is important as I had the game winning dribble. It is also relevant because I invented the cut-off shirt under my jersey look, too. I was a real trend setter back then. In case you were wondering, it was a D.A.R.E. cut-off shirt, too. There's no hope with dope. This game still haunts Damman to this day. "I still wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats thinking about that one." We were supposed to play again in 8th grade but it was cancelled because of a snow day. I still have no fucking clue why it was not rescheduled. They needed another beating.

Bryan - Our 8th and final win of the streak happened in the semifinals of our own tournament. Bryan had this fucker who was at least 6'4" and we had no one who could stop him. When we finally fouled him out in the 4th, I remember Schriner hugging everyone like that was the end of the game. Pickle rules. It was a back and forth game until I had the bright idea of trying to take a charge. I let the guy destroy me but something wasn't right. Yep, my arm looked like Andrew Bogut's from yesterday's video link. It was going in about 12 different directions. Broke the shit out of that fucker. At the hospital, they had to knock me out and crunch the bones back into place. When a doctor tells your mother, "you don't want to see this", you know you're fucked. Season over which was a blessing because we lost by 154 in the Finals.

Defiance - BONUS STORY!!! 8th grade hoops wasn't as much fun because our coach was an aloof assmunch, but this part always makes Damman laugh so here we go. We are playing our arch rival at their place and it's tight. I get a rebound and fling it up to halfcourt were Rex is standing. There is a minute left in the third quarter. Without thinking, he turns around and heaves a half-courter at the hoop. It was the worst shot I've ever seen and damn near broke the backboard. He was pulled immediately. He said that all he could see on the clock was :01 so he fired but I like to think that he thought he had the range. There aren't enough players taking random half-court shots these days.

It was just a strange yet awesome season. The shot that should have never counted truly brought us together and got us to play as a team. All 4o of us! At any level of sport, you don't really see something like this happen often. And eventhough the UConn women tried in the first half the other night, only a special team can go scoreless in a half. In summary, that was the most fun season I ever had playing basketball and it had nothing to do with anything on the floor. Asst. Coach Walker let me look at one of his Barely Legal's. Man, that was great. They don't make hardcore mags like that anymore.

***FYI, you got a lot of words today because I'm not sure how many are coming tomorrow. Go RedHawks, Beat BC!!!


Grumpy said...

You have SELECTIVE memory, but that was one fucking great post. I love your jr. hi stories. They evoke a universal experience that all boys share, only yours are more perverted.

GMoney said...

My selective memory is nothing compared to my selective hearing. I don't listen to anything that my wife says unless it is food or TV-related.

Anonymous said...

--Classic stories G$. I can only imagine who your head coach was back in the

As bad as you were, my 8th grade team was winless, in 1985, until our tournament, and we were down one, and I hit a half-court shot to win by one-point!! We then got beat by 39 the next game against a team that went undefeated in thier junior high careers.

That official may have been Hazen Deckrosh....he has been known to be a little slow at times....Ron Ferner would have never let that


GMoney said...

I think it was the guy from Nap who actually had a state game this year. I had Hazen for a few football games and everything about that guy is hilarious.

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Anonymous said...

You would've never beat St. Paul if the Iceman was a year younger. He was a beefy post player back in those days & had Shaq-sized buttcheeks...not to mention a sick baby hook. The Iceman would've dropped 100 on you then fucked 30 bitches in a post game celebration in the style of Wilt the Stilt. And yes...that was all 3rd person. Someone had to bring it back.

Anonymous said...

--On a side has the umpiring been going so far this year..decent ball, or just dog shit games this early??

--G. Brubaker had that Tinora game ???


Anonymous said...

The reason we didn't reschedule the game our 8th grade year was because our coach was fat and lazy and didn't want to waste a day at a basketball game when he could have been at Dunkin Donuts. The Iceman knows this.


Anonymous said...

I had almost forgotten about that Defiance game until I read this, but now I remember it like it was yesterday. They must have put time back on the clock, because I'm convinced it said :01. Whatever, at least I didn't drill Larry in the face with a pass like Pickle did in practice that year.


Tony B. said...

Every time you do one of these posts I get a glimpse into what my life could've been like had I never moved away from the glorious, yet frigid NW Ohio. I guess I'll have to settle for memories of the Light Blue YMCA team instead of being on a team with 40 other kids and getting worked over game after game.

GMoney said...

And I have been corrected by Coach who read this was Nathan Miller that made the basket at the wrong hoop. Amazing.

Anonymous said...

Also, Pig shit was yelled during a practice after coach kicked the basketball onto the stage.

I do not have more memories from any other sports season in my junior high or high school career than that one.


Anonymous said...

that team was very special. I want a picture of that team put up on the wall at the Snake Pit.


Kenny Liddle could kick all your a$$es...