Monday, April 19, 2010

My Mock Draft...How Creative!


Everyone does a mock draft these days and they are largely annoying and unnecessary. And that is exactly why we are doing one here because if there are two qualities that this blog possesses, it is "annoying" and "unnecessary". There is nothing earth shattering with my mock (I don't have Dan LeFevour going in the top ten or anything like that). I just listed all the teams, thought about what their needs are, and started picking. NO ONE HAS DONE THAT BEFORE! I was going to use the Dumb And Dumber pic of Lloyd and Harry doing the "MOCK, YEAH" thing, but since this will likely be embarrassingly wrong, how about a picture of Hollywood's all-time greatest poop instead? That seemed fitting. Let's do this.

1. Rams - QB Sam Bradford, Oklahoma
No contest. This is a no doubter. Never ever ever pass up the chance at a franchise QB. Maybe this will finally make Steven Jackson deserving of a first round fantasy pick, too.
2. Lions - DT Ndamukong Suh, Nebraska
Some people think that the Lions could go with a LT here and those people are retards. We all saw what Suh is capable of and this is a HUGE piece of the Lions frontline which is surprisingly turning into one of the best in the NFL.
3. Buccaneers - DT Gerald McCoy, Oklahoma
I've got to be honest, I keep hearing about how great McCoy is but I've never seen one highlight on him. I'll take the experts word on this one.
4. Redskins - OT Russell Okung, Oklahoma State
SUPER BOWL!!! This is a no-brainer. Although if Vinny Cerrato were still running the show, he would have taken Jevan Snead here.
5. Chiefs - S Eric Berry, Tennessee
I thought about this one for a long time and decided to pick the stud safety over the tackle. Think about it, they will still be able to get a good lineman at the top of round 2. They aren't getting a superior replacement for fucking Mike Brown that late. Sorry, Browns fans, you get screwed over again.
6. Seahawks - OT Trent Williams, Oklahoma
Walter Jones has finally been replaced. Now if they could just get that Jim Mora Jr. stink out of the locker room...
7. Browns - S Earl Thomas, Texas
Now, if the draft goes down like the way I predict, I fully expect the Browns to trade down here. But since I can't do that, a very solid safety would be a good option for them. I still think that they should do whatever it takes (mortgage the ranch!) to move up to 1 and take Sammy.
8. Raiders - DE Jason Pierre-Paul, South Florida
I am a fan of betting on NFL football yet forecasting what the Raiders might do would be the worst bet on the planet. They probably still have Howie Long on their board. A freak pass rusher sounds like someone that Al Davis would want.
9. Bills - OT Brian Bulaga, Iowa
They would be wise to upgrade the worst O-Line in the league. And Bulaga might be the only player that would consider Buffalo a step up from Iowa City.
10. Jaguars - LB Rolando McClain, Alabama
They have young ends, tackles, and DB's. It's time to get a leader for the defense. McClain seems like he could have a career along the lines of what London Fletcher has had.

11. Broncos - WR Dez Bryant, Oklahoma State
They just dumped Brandon Marshall for a bag of soiled dicks. Bryant has all the talent in the world and while he fucked up with the NCAA, he was never in trouble with the law. Seems like a good fit here.
12. Dolphins - DT Dan Williams, Tennessee
The key to every 3-4 defense is a big fat clogging machine in the middle. Congratulations on your new nickname, Dan.
13. 49ers - CB Joe Haden, Florida
This is about the right spot for him. His poor combine may have scared teams away but he is still the best corner in the draft. He would do well playing alongside Nate Clements in Fagville.
14. Seahawks - RB CJ Spiller, Clemson
I probably would never pay to watch the Seahawks play, but with Spiller in the mix, I would strongly consider buying a ticket. He's this year's Chris Johnson and already 100 times better than Julius Jones.
15. Giants - OG Mike Iupati, Idaho
You know, the Giants really are a team in decline eventhough no one is saying it. That OL is getting old. An upgrade on that front would serve them well.
16. Titans - DE Derrick Morgan, Georgia Tech
I keep reading that this guy reminds people of Jevon Kearse. Jeff Fisher drafted that way once, I see him doing it again. Unless he wants to trade this pick for Haynesworth...which I would be fine with.
17. 49ers - QB Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame
A really good spot for Jimmy. Hell, he can't be any worse than Alex Smith, can he? I still think that Clausen will be a good player and throwing to Crabtree and Vernon Davis for the next ten years would certainly help.
18. Steelers - OT Anthony Davis, Rutgers
Good value pick here. The Steelers finally address the fact that Willie Colon is terrible and Big Ben gets a new lineman to take out and shake his dick at.
19. Falcons - DE/LB Brandon Graham, Michigan
This might be the best pick in the draft. Graham is a freaking stud and having he and John Abraham both coming off the edges...holy shit. Someone is going to get killed. This really is a perfect fit.
20. Texans - CB Darren McCourty, Rutgers
Some people think that Houston goes with a RB here. I do not. Remember, Gary Kubiak is from Shanahan's coaching tree and that means not drafting a RB in the first round. They lost Dunta Robinson to ATL, it would benefit them to replace him.
21. Bengals - TE Jermaine Gresham, Oklahoma
Another solid fit here as the Bengals have terrible tight ends and Gresham is a flat out stud. Knowing how the Bengals draft though, expect them to take someone from USC since that is all they do. And never forget that John Cooper is a scout for Cincy.
22. Patriots - DE/LB Sergio Kindle, Texas
The Pats LB's were rotten last year and Kindle would look good next to Jerod Mayo. He can get to the QB, too, which is good news because Chad Henne deserves to get hit hard.
23. Packers - C/G Maurkice Pouncey, Florida
OK, Aaron Rodgers is a stud and we all know it. They better invest in protecting his ass. This pick makes a ton of sense.
24. Eagles - LB Sean Weatherspoon, Missouri
Philly's linebacking corps is shit. A good MLB would be a nice start for them. He probably is the best player on the board for me.
25. Ravens - S Taylor Mays, USC
Mays can't cover anyone. He makes Roy Williams look like Ronnie Lott. But he could be good in run support while Ed Reed patrols the secondary. Regardless of skills, anyone that can hit hard can play for Baltimore.
26. Cardinals - DT Jared Odrick, Penn State
I don't expect to see the Cardinals drafting this late into the first round again any time soon. I know nothing about this guy except that he is currently considered a "riser".
27. Cowboys - OT Bruce Campbell, Maryland
This seems like the kind of guy that Jerrah Jones would love. A freak talent who underachieved in college. Now that Flozell is gone, time to get someone else in there at LT who sucks.
28. Chargers - RB Ryan Matthews, Fresno State
It was either Matthews of Jahvid Best here. Matthews is better. But they are both better than Tomlinson.
29. Jets - DT Terrence Cody, Alabama
How happy do you think Rex Ryan will be to draft a DT that weighs 700 pounds? Mt. Cody will make his defense even better. It will have no weaknesses other than Jim Leonhard now.
30. Vikings - CB Kyle Wilson, Boise State
Since Favre is definitely coming back (and sent his teammates a pair of Wranglers to prove it), they really don't have a ton of weaknesses. But you can never have too many cover guys.
31. Colts - DT Brian Price, UCLA
The Colts can be run on. Price is a beast. This makes a lot of sense to me.
32. Saints - DE/LB Jerry Hughes, TCU
Gregg Williams would love a guy like this with his ability to get to the QB. Although a replacement for Darren Sharper at safety (maybe Nate Allen from USF?) could be the move here.

If you didn't notice, I left Tim Tebow off of my mock. Do you know why? Because unlike fat idiot, Peter King, I know that he is not a first round pick. For those of you who love to bet on sports, it is a freaking lock that he is not taken in the top 32 picks.

Well there it is and it wasn't hard to do. I can't wait for Thursday night. I will continue my ten-plus year tradition of screaming "SUPER BOWL" after the Skins make their pick. It's my favorite time of year.

11 comments:

Grumpy said...

If Pouncey is available at 18, he's a Steeler.

GMoney said...

You aren't going to go wrong with either Pouncey or a tackle. I would laugh my ass off if Dex Bryant fell and the Stillers took another issue-laden WR.

Anonymous said...

I hope you are right with the Atlanta pick. I will be buying that jersey for sure.

Naptown Wolverine

Ace said...

Supposedly 'Spoon has a bad attitude and a lot f teams have taken him off the board because of it. I wouldn't mind if the Eagles took him here, but I think he will still be around early in the second. Word on the street is Philly is looking to move up and go after either a safety...or McCoy! That would be awesome.

Grump. Your team is led by a rapist. It doesn't matter who you draft.

GMoney said...

The Eagles are too smart to go after Taylor Mays though. Nate Allen maybe? They definitely need LB help.

Grumpy said...

Ace, your team has no qb, so they're irrelevant.

Ace said...

Ya, if we move up it will be for Berry or Thomas. I wouldn't surprised if our first two picks were Spoon and Allen in whatever order.

Grump, would you like to place a wager on our QB's. I guarantee that Kolb will have more td's, better passer rating, and better record. If not, I will make a post professing my love for your old balls. The Steelers are going to be terrible.

GMoney said...

I could not agree more with you, Ace. Grump telling you that your QB's are terrible at the moment is a joke. The Steelers are a mess.

Tony B. said...

No Bears picks in the first round so I have nothing to bitch about. So let's talk about that massive dump in Dumb and Dumber:

How funny is the end of the crap when Harry thinks he's just about done, but then a tiny high pitched fart comes out and Harry giggles about it? Classic.

Upstate Underdog said...

The d-bag in one of our local papers did his mock draft yesterday and had Clausen going to the Bills. I canceled my subscription today.

Grumpy said...

Easy bet for you to make when we don't know how many games Ben will miss.