Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Remember Monday? It was the day before Mr. Ace posted a shitload of posts and set the record for number of words written here in one day. Anyway, I teased how I met a midget on Saturday. Both Drew and Dut agreed that Midget Day would be an excellent idea for this website. And I could not agree more. So let's call today "Midget Day" and I ask that everyone with a dwarf story of their own to contribute.
Like I said on Monday, I had to umpire a doubleheader on Saturday. I was not looking forward to it as it was my ninth game in seven days and I could have used a day off. There was a 95% chance of rain that day so I figured I would be able to watch the Draft all day instead. But the rain fucked me and I had to head up to a shitty city school for two games against Catholic schools.
I got their late because the drive-thru line for Burger King breakfast was fucking awful. I rolled up to the school about 20 minutes before first pitch. My partner was all set to go behind the dish so it was all good. We walk up to the field and talk to the coaches. One of our responsiblities is to check the bats and helmets of both teams to make sure they are all legit. The Catholic school dugout is where I saw him. The Midget. In all his two feet glory. I think that I took a step back when he handed me a helmet to inspect. It was just weird. He was at the perfect level to give me a hummer! The best part about this: he was the batboy. The batboy!!!
He had to wear a helmet and everything! His little stubby legs took days to retrieve the bats after each batter. It was even funnier than it sounds. I spent the entire first three innings watching the midget instead of the game. Those teams are still waiting for me to make an out/safe call from the 2nd inning. There were just so many questions running through my head about that small-handed bastard.
*Why were his calves bigger than his skull?
*Did he enjoy Willow as much as I did? And if so, is Madmortigan a nice guy?
*Is he a member of Mini-KISS?
*Does he hate Verne Troyer?
*Was he a participant in the 1994 Survivor Series match between Jerry Lawler's team and Doink The Clown's team?
*How much would is cost to get him to say "the plane, boss, the plane"?
*Has he ever taken part in a dwarf-tossing?
*Why hasn't TLC given him his own reality show yet? I mean, a midget batboy! I would watch that show.
So, I made it through my first encounter with a midget and it was just as fascinating as I had hoped. But I said that this was an open forum and I meant it. This is an average post at best so I need help from the commentariat to make this an outstanding post. I'm looking at you two, Drew and Dut. Put down the cabbage and start writing your small tales. That goes for the rest of you, too. We can't be the only three here to have run-ins with those half-pints.