Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Midget Day: An Open Forum


Remember Monday? It was the day before Mr. Ace posted a shitload of posts and set the record for number of words written here in one day. Anyway, I teased how I met a midget on Saturday. Both Drew and Dut agreed that Midget Day would be an excellent idea for this website. And I could not agree more. So let's call today "Midget Day" and I ask that everyone with a dwarf story of their own to contribute.

Like I said on Monday, I had to umpire a doubleheader on Saturday. I was not looking forward to it as it was my ninth game in seven days and I could have used a day off. There was a 95% chance of rain that day so I figured I would be able to watch the Draft all day instead. But the rain fucked me and I had to head up to a shitty city school for two games against Catholic schools.

I got their late because the drive-thru line for Burger King breakfast was fucking awful. I rolled up to the school about 20 minutes before first pitch. My partner was all set to go behind the dish so it was all good. We walk up to the field and talk to the coaches. One of our responsiblities is to check the bats and helmets of both teams to make sure they are all legit. The Catholic school dugout is where I saw him. The Midget. In all his two feet glory. I think that I took a step back when he handed me a helmet to inspect. It was just weird. He was at the perfect level to give me a hummer! The best part about this: he was the batboy. The batboy!!!

He had to wear a helmet and everything! His little stubby legs took days to retrieve the bats after each batter. It was even funnier than it sounds. I spent the entire first three innings watching the midget instead of the game. Those teams are still waiting for me to make an out/safe call from the 2nd inning. There were just so many questions running through my head about that small-handed bastard.

*Why were his calves bigger than his skull?
*Did he enjoy Willow as much as I did? And if so, is Madmortigan a nice guy?
*Is he a member of Mini-KISS?
*Does he hate Verne Troyer?
*Was he a participant in the 1994 Survivor Series match between Jerry Lawler's team and Doink The Clown's team?
*How much would is cost to get him to say "the plane, boss, the plane"?
*Has he ever taken part in a dwarf-tossing?
*Why hasn't TLC given him his own reality show yet? I mean, a midget batboy! I would watch that show.

So, I made it through my first encounter with a midget and it was just as fascinating as I had hoped. But I said that this was an open forum and I meant it. This is an average post at best so I need help from the commentariat to make this an outstanding post. I'm looking at you two, Drew and Dut. Put down the cabbage and start writing your small tales. That goes for the rest of you, too. We can't be the only three here to have run-ins with those half-pints.

82 comments:

Anonymous said...

Greg from Tinora was throwing a party out at his house. So he decided to rent a midget for the party. It was going to cost him around $600 for the night and the midget got free beer. Greg was even going to dress the little guy up I think like an umpa lumpa. Unfornately, one the the party's main people had a parent die, so they cancelled the nidget performace since there wasa funeral to go to. It would have been funny seeing that midget.

Naptown Wolverine

Grumpy said...

When I was working, I had a customer who had a little person as an employee. We would meet in the morning before the store opened for me to give my presentation. I could never fully concentrate because I was fascinated by the little guy sitting in a full size chair that he climbed into like a toddler and then his legs just barely hung over the edge.

GMoney said...

Bring that midget to the funeral!

MUDawgfan said...

It was the fall of 1999 and I was a Senior in High School. The Falcons had just gotten their asses kicked in the Superbowl by the Denver Broncos - but I was certain the Dirty Birds were in for a run like no other. NFC Championships every year! So I asked for and received Falcons Season Tickets for my birthday.

The team got off to a blistering start, losing its first four games. All hearts were troubled in Atlanta and going to the games became a painful exercise.

Except for kickoffs. During that year, when tackles were made on special teams following a kickoff -the Falcons hired a midget and his Jack Russell Terrier to clear the field of the football tee.
This is not a joke.

The dog would run out and get the tee and bring it back AND in the odd instance where he couldn't find it - the midget would scamper out and get it and the dog would follow him back to the sideline. They would stand on the sideline together - except the Jack Russell looked like a Mastiff compared to his little handler. It was the only thing that made that 5-11 season decent. The damn midget was more valuable to the franchise than Jamal Anderson that year.

GMoney said...

I bet that midget couldn't snort coke off of a bar toilet seat like Jamal though.

I am picturing a midget sitting in a big office chair and it is a fantastic image.

Drew said...

My best midget story happened three years ago. When I go home to Detroit for Christmas, my buddies and I always go into downtown and hit up a strip club called "The Toy Chest". If anybody is ever looking for a strip club in Detroit to go to...this is the one. The girls are smoking hot...they are extremely filthy if you get a lap dance...and once again, they are extremely hot.

So, next door to the Toy Chest is a dive bar called the "PX Bar and Grill". We go there to get our drink on before we go to the strp club, so we can avoid getting shitty on $ 7 beers. I discovered that Arabs own this establishment a couple years ago when I started yelling how we are going to "drop that Arab money" on those strippers and all of a sudden two Arabs popped up out of nowhere..ran to their juke box...started playing that Arab Money song while laughing their asses off and introduced themselves as the owners..but, I digress.

So, we are sitting there at the bar three years ago before we get the titties in our faces. I'm sitting down on a bar stool looking to my right as our group is holding up a round of shots. I see a few of my buddies eyes just light up and say, "Holy Shit"...with wild smiles on their faces. I turn to the left on my stool only to see six or seven midgets hopping up on their stools right next to me. I looked upon in amazement and decided we have to do a couple rounds of shots with these midgets. So, for the next hour we took shots with these midgets....only drinking with midgets can delay the visit to the Toy Chest.

So, this goes on for an hour. These midgets hop off of the stools and go on their way. We sat there in amazement. The chick bartender starts talking to us and she tells us...."They are here every year. They come in every night after they get off of their job. They are the elves for Santa at the Mall". With that comment we lost it. Nothing like drinking with Santa's Elves and then hanging out with strippers.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I am supprised to see another falons fan on this site, knowing that the falcons hired a midget makes me like them even more. No Bridget The Midget Comments.

naptown wolverine

Mr. Ace said...

You got season tickets for your birthday as a senior in high school? You spoiled little girl.

I have no midget stories and this makes me sad.

Anonymous said...

G$- I have nothing to add. I said that it was a great idea, but I got nothin. What a sheltered life I've had!

Dut

GMoney said...

Holy shit, doing shots with Santa's elves has officially been added to my bucket list.

Drew said...

Has anyone ever watched that midget show on TLC? I like how the Dad on that show has somehow gotten two DUI's. Who the fuck does that midget think he is? They definitely had to put pedals or something up to his feet...then he decides it's good enough for his midget body to get drunk and use his pedal extensions? If I was the normal sized son on that show, I would have whooped my Dad's midget ass a few times growing up.

Tony B. said...

Back in 2007, our office took on a layoff candidate who happened to be a little person. I had no idea that this had occurred as I work downstairs and he would be working upstairs. Randomly during a managers' meeting (in September) I start talking about how, instead of doing a Secret Santa type gift exchange during the holidays, everyone can buy wrapped gifts, put them in a play pen and we'll have an office midget throw them at us. Apparently, this was now horribly offensive as we now actually had a midget working for us. Over the next few months, there were three awesome things that happened:

- One: We had a Department-wide picnic that was Western themed. He dressed like a tiny cowboy.

- Two: For Halloween, he dressed as a tiny ninja.

- Three: At lunch, we had an in-office mini-golf tournament, and he was on my team. Click below to see the picture.

HERE

Don't worry- we actually do real work from time to time.

Tony B. said...

Found some other pics:

COWBOY

and

NINJA

Mr. Ace said...

That is the oldest midget I have ever seen. I thought they were exiled when they turned 30.

Anonymous said...

Count on Dut to not live up to expectations.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

That is the most terrifying midget I've ever seen. I'm going to have nightmares about that weak-chinned man-baby. Does he have leukemia?

Tony B. said...

No leukemia, but I do think he ages faster than most people age. I don't think he's actually as old as he looks.

Anonymous said...

Lil strut- I never had expectations. Now shut your dirty little mouth.

Dut

Drew said...

I'd be scared shitless about bumping into Tony B's midget co-worker and somehow just immediately crushing his chest and killing him. That midget looks like he would die on impact from just about anything.

MuDawgfan said...

The picture of him as a ninja looks like the emperor from Star Wars.

However - you probably get MVP for the day for posting pictures.

Grumpy said...

The guy pictured looks more like he has progeria than actually being a little person. It is very rare and causes premature aging.

GMoney said...

You might want to ask the guy if he is Benjamin Button.

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