Monday, April 05, 2010

I'd Rather Be...


Honestly, I didn't see that coming. Throughout the entire tournament, I hardly ever picked a winner correctly yet on Saturday, I nailed them both. And that is why I'm sort of upset. I had my post all planned and wrapped up in a neat little bow already on Friday night. Since I assumed that I would be wrong again and we would have to suffer through watching two shitty teams like Sparty and Huggy tonight, I had a great post planned. But I ended up getting what I wanted to see...an overabundance of white guys! So on the drive back yesterday, I just decided, "You know what, this story is awesome anyway so fuck it, I'm running with it". And here we go.

I didn't head back to my hometown until Saturday since I had to work that day. So She$ drug me to the grocery store to load up on meat (since I am allowed to eat cows and pig anuses again). We're filling up our cart with delicious salted meats and getting ready to checkout when I saw it. Something so glorious that it needed to be shared. I'm directing the cart to the nearest line and this mountain of a man is walking toward me.

Now this fella went about 6'3" and near 3 bills. He had quite a scowl on his face. He sort of looked like a guy who has spent hundreds of dollars on WWE merchandise. But he decided against wearing his DX shirt on this particular Friday. Nope, he showed up at Kroger sporting this beautiful slogan on his chest:

"I'D RATHER BE MASTURBATING"

Amazing. I was biting the shit out of my lips to avoid laughing at this guy to his face. It was the best shirt I've ever seen. And he wore it proudly to a grocery store. Now I bet you're wondering, "what was this fine specimen and role model purchasing on a Friday night at 9:30?" Oh, he only had one thing...a bottle of lighter fluid. LIGHTER FLUID! I like to think that he was either using it on himself as man-lotion or he was going to beat off and seriously BLOW SOME SHIT UP! When it comes down to it, an open masturbator with an arson streak is the perfect combo. He should be commenting here actually.

With that story told and with my prior assumption that MSU and WV would be playing tonight, the point of this post was that I'd rather be masturbating than watching that shit game. But Butler and Duke prevailed and have me fucking giddy for tonight's game. Man, I just pray that it's close...and that both teams whitewash at some point as a tribute to Hickory High. A few notes from Saturday's games:

Game 1 - The result was awesome with the Bulldogs advancing, but that game sucked ass. It was classic Michigan State...trying to put everyone to bed early. But I was not to be denied. If Izzo is such a great coach then why did he continue to allow his lardo PF to keep chucking up 20 footers? Fuck him. I've read that he might be interested in the Nets job for reasons that I would never understand. I hope he leaves so that we never have to watch his shitty yet efficient teams ruin March ever again. I also wonder if Gordon Hayward is the only Gordon under the age of 50 that isn't a FOX employee?

Clark Kellogg sucks - Weak. I watched his HORSE game with Obama and he took a dive. Shoeless Joe was banned from baseball for life for doing the same thing and Clark should be deported for what he did. And why was Kellogg chucking up set shots? He looked like Bill Laimbeer out there. That still was not as embarrassing as Clark sweating like Patrick Ewing from a game of HORSE. You suck, Clark.

Guru of Go - This most recent 30 For 30 was on ABC Saturday afternoon and it was amazing. You all really should watch it because Loyola Marymount in 1990 was probably the most fun team ever. They scored 149 points in a tournament game against the defending national champs! Look, I'm a sucker for a touching story and the footage of Hank Gathers collapsing on the floor almost brought me to tears. I admit this freely. It was extremely well done. Bo Kimble is my homeboy.

Game 2 - Classic Bob Huggins. Eventually, this scumbag always gets his ass beat. He's a loser and the Rat Devil beat the piss out of him. That game was never in doubt. Duke whooped them in every facet of the game. And Duke looks primed to finish the job. They are focused. They are physical. They are hitting big shots. They are dominating.

Tonight's Prediction - I hope it's close into the second half. But Matt Howard is gimpy even with his awesome trash 'stache. Mack is dinged up. Regardless of Butler OWNING that building with 50K+ in the stands, this is going to be a beating from start to finish. Duke 78, Butler 60. We fall short of seeing one of the best stories in college basketball history. But I'll take it anyway and I will enjoy it. Come 9 pm tonight, I would rather not be masturbating. Though as soon as they start playing the Duke-centric One Shining Moment montage, helllllloooooooo YouPorn!

7 comments:

MuDawgfan said...

I'd cut off my left arm to have that man coach the Redhawks.

Guru of Go was great - almost all of the 30 at 30's have been awesome. Appointment television, my favorite was "The U"

GMoney said...

I didn't care for the USFL one. I found Jimmy The Greek's to be the most interesting to me.

I didn't like The U as much as others just because it glorified those teams are less than the villains that they truly were. It was directed by a fanboy.

Mr. Ace said...

I am a fan of the 30 for 30's. I haven't seen the Guru of Go yet, though with such a great/terrible story it has to be good. Supposedly they are making The U 2, another 30 for 30 about the U.

Hoops was a lot better when Duke was getting knocked out in the first round.

Anonymous said...

That guy with the shirt reminds me of two guys.

First guy was this really fat dude that we called Cowboy that always used to go to the old BW's on campus for every NFL Sunday. He always wore a cowboy hat and a tattered up Columbus Gold t-shirt. He was a crazy fucker too. I'd say there is an 85% chance he's dead now.

The other guy I saw two weekends ago. Big dude...rocking a shirt that said, "Only a guy with a HUGE COCK would wear a shirt like this".

I think Duke kills them tonight too. Any thoughts on Huggins making out with Desean Butler? I don't trust his motives one bit.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I didn't see the Huggy makeout but his windsuit is not very conducive to hiding boners.

Anonymous said...

Drew- that may be the greatest shirt I've ever heard of. I may have to find me one of those.

Duke is going to win by 20. At least its baseball season!

Dut

A New Experienced Me said...

Damn...someone beat me to the Huggins caressing Butler's cheek/making out with him joke. I just envisioned Huggins whispering to Butler "You look really sexy right now...and that's not the booze talking." Also, I don't think we have made nearly as big of a deal that needs to be made about how hideous Kyle Singler is. The guy looks like he's on the cusp of morphing into a zombie. He makes Sam Cassell look like Denzel Washington.