Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Groom Knows Dick: It's Your Move, Holy Man

(Imagine there aren't naked dudes with flacid dicks waiting for you)

Legendary blogger, Drew Magary, has a blog called "Father Knows Shit". It's pretty much a diary of all the weird and stupid shit that goes on over the course of fatherhood. So I'm sitting around the other day thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, Mrs. Ace will soon be dropping all of these monster bills my way, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing...Groom Knows Dick.

So, I'm getting married in less than four months. Holy shit has the time been flying by. But I have done all of my husbandly duties. I have got the DJ all lined up and he can't possibly be any worse than that ass hole at G Moneys wedding. I got the Limo service all figured out, BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY EVER! Why the fuck do I need a limo? It's just down the road. If I could guarantee that I wouldn't get a drunk in public on the walk from the church to the reception I would totally hoof it with a bottle of Jack as my fuel. Just when I thought everything was coming together, Jesus came and shat on my face.

I had planned on getting married at the chapel at BGSU because it only cost $150 and I refused to cave in to the demands of the church in Naptown. A few weeks ago my mom drops some news on me and says that she has talked to the pastor and he will marry us in the church. You see, Mrs. Ace and I are living in sin because we aren't married and share a residence. And apparently that means we cannot get married in the church or fire and brimstone would rain down upon us...but it's totally cool to rape boys. Anyways, the pastor said that if Mrs. Ace and I would get married courthouse style before our actual wedding ceremony then we could have the ceremony in the church. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, but I agreed.

So now, not only to I have to swallow my pride and put away my pentagram, but I have to pay these ass hole's $500 just to get married in the church. My parents church is like the Ben Roethlisberger of churches, it can't turn down a good rape. But whatever. It will make the logistics easier and my mom can stop calling me the Antichrist.

So the other day Mrs. Ace calls up the pastor, a man she has known since she was a small child, to talk about how this is all going down. This ass hole says he wants us to get married, at the courthouse, by the end of the month. As in 10 days. This guy really does think he talks to God. What kind of bullshit is that? And then he wants us to fill out some surveys about shit that I don't want his opinion on and meet up with him to have a discussion that I don't want to have. I'm paying you, dick. This is my show, not yours. I will get married when I damn well please. I have never wanted to burn down a church so bad in my life.

The one good thing that does come of this is that Lil Strut's lovely mother will be the one who legally marries Mrs. Ace and I. And right after she does I plan on having my first affair with her. You know, to show her my appreciation.

I'm not really sure how this whole process is going to go. I'm a goal-oriented kind of guy so I think it is important that I set some benchmarks that I would like to reach throughout. 1) See how many times I can mention the church raping me out of $500 before the pastor either apologizes or admits he uses the money for picking up Johns at the truck stop. 2) Ask the pastor what his plans are for December 21, 2012 and see if he has any inside information on whether or not I should bet on the good guys or the bad guys(I'm leaning bad). 3) When we get to the juicy stuff in the survey, I will refer him to my Pornstar post from about a month ago. I don't think he will have any questions. 4) During this meeting we must have with the pastor, give only one word answers. For example, when he asks me, "How many children do you want to have?" I will reply, "Jesus Juice." 5) See what kind of public displays of affection the pastor finds acceptable. I am fully prepared to dry hump the shit out of Mrs. Ace.

I'll be back to show you how I get down with a registry gun next Tuesday. Science bless you.


Anonymous said...

2 things. 1) The church you are getting married at is not the branch of Christianity that rapes little boys. The church you are thinking of is the denomination that JSaul is a member of. The denomination you are getting married in actually allows their pastors to get married, so there is no need to rape little boys.

2) I will inform my mom of your intentions after the legal wedding. In fact, I will have her run-up the cost of your wedding, on account of your threat, by having extra security there. We will see how big of a wrench that throws into your plan.

-Lil' Strut

MuDawgfan said...

I wasn't aware Eagles fans got married? I thought you just moved in together, started popping out kids and then went on welfare?

What a time to be alive...

Upstate Underdog said...

$500 and this pastor thinks he can call the shots? Fuck that noise. You need a new church. I'm Catholic, and some of them can be pricks about getting married in the church if one of you have been divorced or you already had kids out of wed lock. But living together usually is not a deal breaker.

All my priest asked was that we pay the lady that plays the organ and a donation to the church.

GMoney said...

I'm with UU, this shouldn't be that hard. You two shouldn't have to be jumping through hoops just to use a church for an hour. Your pastor sounds like a damn con man. He sounds like Mitch Connor.

We got married in a Lutheran church as well and we met up with the pastor, he didn't ask shit about our living situation/sexy time. Why? Because it's none of his fucking business.

Dawg, that was the best comment around these parts in a long time.

Tony B. said...

I'm so confused about why you'd pay $500 to get married by a guy who is just giving you shit about your living situation? One would think you could pay $500 and Randall Cunningham could come out and marry you. He probably needs the cash and I doubt he'd care if you are "living in sin."

Split the difference. I got married in a park by a guy who looks like Jesus rather than in a church by a guy who thinks he talks to Jesus. Way better.

Anonymous said...

Do you talk about sports anymore or just stupid shit like this that no one cares about? Possibly mention Lebron's incredible performance last night?

GMoney said...

You mean people have actually cared about what we've talked about before? Get fucked, anonymous queerbate.

LeBron owned a shitty team last night...good enough?

Jeff said...

McPuke wants TO!!! Hahaha

Now please talk shit about the red sox so it comes back to haunt you.

Ace said...

LS, the affair is her payment. If she brings security its for a gangbang.

Its not my church. My parents and Mrs. Aces parents belong so we are. stuck there.

I like your style Tony B.

Anon, the money shot prides itself on its social commentary, not just sports. So blow me.

GMoney said...

Mr. Ace does not speak for this site and its objectives. We do not pride ourselves on social commentary. We are dedicated to sports, weird analogies, being a pussy, and fag jokes.