Monday, April 12, 2010

Final Round Live Journal of The Masters

With a loaded leaderboard in Augusta, it’s only fair that we crank out a four hour-plus live blog, no? I mean, Ace did one on Monday night for 2.5 hours and I’m twice as great as him. So let’s do this. The theme for today is “ABP: Anyone But Phil”. I hate Phil Mickelson. I wish that he was aborted. I do not care if a homo like Ian Poulter wins as long as it’s not Phil. After yesterday’s highly entertaining round, let’s hope that we can keep that going today. I just ran two miles (seriously!) and I'm pumped for this. Might as well get this going…

2:08 HELLO FRIENDS!!! God, I hate Jim Nantz. How many different species of farm animals do you think that he has ejaculated in? I’m guessing at least 14. Nick Faldo should be required to wear an Indiana Jones hat at all times. I really like Faldo.
2:09 Fuck this. I don’t give a shit about Butler Cabin yet. I’ll be back at 2:30 when some old bigot yells out, “FO’ PLEASE, TIG-UH WOOD” at the first tee box.
2:23 Arnold Palmer’s swing always makes me laugh. MY SWING IS BETTER, YOU OLD FUCK!
2:27 "Anthony Kim played the slope well"--these are the sorts of things that make me laugh maniacally.

2:30 Nice drive, Tiger. Joslyn James could have hit it straighter. That doesn't make any sense.
2:32 Does anyone not like Fred Couples? Seems like a nice guy to me.
2:33 Nick Faldo just said that Eric Clapton was the best (I assume) guitarist. Clearly, Mr. Faldo has never heard of a certain Mr. CeCe Deville.
2:35 Only 4 minutes of commercials per hour today. Ironically, CBS plays only 4 minutes of basketball in between 56 minutes of commercials during March Madness.
2:39 Early prediction - KJ Choi wins.
2:42 McLimans: Why would you not want Phil to win? G$: Because he is a skidmark.
2:50 Fuck. Phildo is going to be in the lead as Westwood looks like he's ready to shit his knickers.
2:52 Can someone please get Ricky Barnes a real hat? What a fag.
2:57 Tiger is terrible. Couldn't even get out of the sand on 2. And why is he wearing backwards and upside down sunglasses? Since when was Chris DiMarco a trendsetter?

3:00 My Boy Choi (who be now known as MBC) is only two back now! Am I the only one out there who likes those LaChoy chow mein noodle-thingys? And Freddy C is now two back as well.
3:05 Please stop talking about the fucking flowers.
3:08 Hunter Mahan is wearing women's sunglasses. I always enjoy seeing men pick from the Gloria Vanderbilt collection.
3:09 Please keep fucking up Phil, Phil's putter. You are doing the Lord's work.
3:11 "Look at that slope behind KJ Choi"--WATCH YOUR BACK, MBC!!!
3:19 If CBS wants people to turn to another channel, keep showing Scott Verplank, idiots. No one cares about that guy.
3:24 David Feherty just queried if Tiger was becoming too much of a Buddhist. I have no idea where he was going with that as Tiger bogeys again. He's done.
3:29 Matteo Mannassero...that's a fun name to say. And Nantz just informed us that he will be LIVE in Butler Cabin in a few hours!!!

3:34 Through the first hour of this live journal, Boom Boom is playing the best. That would be something if that old man won.
3:35 Westwood bogies to tie Phil at -11. If you ever wanted to know what Lester Worm Murphy looks like, he resembles Westwood if Lee wasn't British or a Rams fan.
3:37 Nantz just said "false front" and that is my favorite stupid golf term ever.
3:38 Tiger bogies again. Faldo says that "he's all sixes and sevens". I have no idea what that means. Maybe he was watching Austin Powers last night.
3:41 YES! Highlights of one of my favorite golfers ever...MIGUEL ANGEL JIMINEZ!!! He has the best posture on tour.
3:46 The "Phil Flop" is gayer than nutting on another dude's face.
3:49 MBC has got it to 10-under!!! Best Asian not named Asia Carrera ever!
3:51 Ryan Moore with a hole in one. Always a great watch. JBeanie claims to have made one of these before but he is a sack of shit.
3:57 TIGER WITH AN EAGLE!!! He has officially traded in the spread eagle for the golf equivalent.

4:02 By the way, I watched the movie "Sugar" last night about a kid from the Dominican Republic trying to make it to the big leagues. It was outstanding. It's on HBO now and I recommend it as long as you are OK with subtitles. And not to be one of those guys, but The Blind Side is MUCH better as a book than a movie. I said "that never happened" at least ten times.
4:05 My wife ate my Nestle Crunch Bar. Excuse me while I put her in the hospital.
4:08 Adam Scott is such a loser. But he does look alot like James Badge Dale (The Pacific, 24, The Departed).
4:10 Westwood just damn near holed out from the sand on whatever hole they were on. Amazing bunker shot that I could never do.
4:17 I've hit a lull. I'm starting to get bored. Something awesome needs to happen like a Woods Eagle or a sniper shooting Phil's head off.
4:21 Tiger is back to 8-under. He's not going to win but being close helps keep me focused. Well, that and the announcers talking about slopes.
4:23 MBC IS ONE SHOT BACK!!! My pick to click is looking really solid.
4:27 Boom Boom Boom Boom! The Vengaboys and Couples are at 10 under!

4:30 "Couples gets the full respect of the slope"...RESPECT FRED, YOU DUMB CHINAMAN! And Mickelsuck ties for the lead.
4:35 Another birdie for The Big Tig-bowski!!! Hellooooooo, Ladies!!!
4:38 It's been awhile since I've mentioned how much I hate Jim Nantz. How great would it be if Gus Johnson did this? HAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
4:42 Fab 5 Freddy is 2 back! Thanks, Geritol!
4:44 We're halfway home (Johnny Hildo leads by one) and my ass is killing me. STEP IT UP, RECLINER!
4:49 Phil's shit driver sends him into the woods on ten. I love how this moron still thinks that he's a good driver.
4:50 MBC TIES THE LEAD!!! Holy shit, this might be my best pick ever in any sport.
4:54 First reference to Amen Corner today. I hate that name.
4:55 According to Nantz, Tiger is wearing sunglasses because of the heavy pollen. There is no way that that is true.
4:58 So far Phil's terrible tee shots aren't killing him. This angers me.

5:00 Freddy C is a shit putter.
5:02 Annnnnnd Couples is in the water on 12. Time to head back to the Champions Tour now. He will NOT be heading to Butler Cabin today.
5:06 Tiger just hit a tree...he's just like me!!!
5:12 Tiger with a bogey on 11. Clearly he has not been inspired by the greatness of My Boy Choi.
5:13 On Friday, I went to the Blue Jackets final game of the season against the Red Wings. Commenter Drew was there. He was put on the jumbotron in the third period happily drinking his beer. What an asshole. Speaking of assholes, Red Wings fans are assholes.

5:31 What did I miss? I just had to do my weekly talk with my mother. Phil is in lead? Bollocks.
5:32 Woods just lips out another eagle. Damn. What the hell has gotten into Anthony Kim? I wasn't gone that long. He's at 12-under. He must be utilizing the slope.
5:35 Oh, I've got the perfect headline if Westwood wins..."LEE MAJORS". Or if Mickelson wins..."THIS GUY PH-UCKING SUCKS".
5:42 Suckelson is the luckiest player alive. He's just like Rex Grossman. No matter where he is, fuck it, let's throw it deep. He makes me sick.
5:48 Westwood is a shoe-in to make The Big Book of British Smiles.
5:49 PHIL PISSES AWAY AN EASY EAGLE!!! That's more like it. He's up two through 13 though and that ain't too cool.
5:50 MBC is letting his most important fan down with back-to-back bogeys. Go back to Korea, zipperhead!

6:02 I'm beginning to run out of steam here. Westwood with a HUGE par save at 14. Come on, you British prick!
6:04 Woods with an eagle...whatever. Kim is the leader in the clubhouse at 12-under. I don't think that that will be enough. I blame his stupid white pants and white belt.
6:15 God dammit, Fuckstick Magee is going to win this thing. This is stupid. People that cheer for Mickelson should be killed.
6:18 Phil up 3 with 3 left. Did you know that Mickelson was the mastermind behind 9/11? It's true.
6:21 One of the patrons on 18 is wearing a Peyton Manning jersey. Way to dress up for Sunday at The Masters, you white trash queef.
6:27 Why is Phil wearing a watch? Does he need to know what time it is? Does he have something better to give his loved ones cancer again. Because he did that, you see. The man is pure evil.

6:33 I'm looking forward to seeing how many cigarette burns are on Angel Cabrera's green jacket.
6:34 Ooooooh Westwood hasn't quit yet like I have. He's still got a chance since Phil usually finishes final rounds with the hands around his throat.
6:36 Tiger finishes 11-under with a bird on 18. What an amazing weekend for him. I know that I didn't see him playing that well. So goes the power of Uchitel-ian vagina.
6:39 Westwood birdies 17, Mickelson pars. Damn. Hoping that it would get to a one stroke lead going into 18. Time for Fucko to fire one into the woods.
6:44 Hilarious. Tiger didn't answer any of Peter Kostas' questions. That made my day.
6:46 Fuck. Westwood needs to make his second shot just to have a chance at a playoff.
6:47 Nope. This is over. In case these past 2,000 or so words have not been clear enough, I hate Phil Mickelson. I'm pretty sure that he's best friends with Glenn Beck and Bernie Madoff. I will NOT be sticking around to see the annual Jim Nantz creepy smile inside Butler Cabin this year.
6:49 Speaking of which, I wonder what sort of stupid catchphrase Nantz has for win he sinks his winning putt. I've got my guess: Phil Mickelson...IS THE TITS! It works on many different despicable levels.
6:52 Mickelson wins, we all lose. "That's a win for the family"--Jim Nantz is a disgrace.

6:53 You got damn near 5 hours out of me today. Consider yourself lucky. I'm going to go hang myself now. GOODBYE, FRIENDS!


rstiles said...

I love the comment about Cabrera's cigarette burns on his jacket....I love Cabrera...

Grumpy said...

Nice job. I used to hate Phil, but he's grown on me. He made some great shots and deserved the win. In other words, if he ruined G$'s day, fine with me.

Anonymous said...

As you know, I'm definitely in the Team Phil camp so I loved yesterday. That shot he hit from under trees was incredible...but his ensuing putt was laughable.

How about when that stick or whatever the fuck that was flew onto the green and dropped in front of his putt? I mean sure that was weird. But, the announcers were acting like it was the craziest thing they had ever seen in their lives. Then they started wonderring if someone in the crowd had flicked it and landed it perfectly in front of the putt. Are you kidding me? I wanted to piss on them while they were talking about that.

I'm glad that you got to see my beautiful face on the jumbotron on Friday. Some hot girl camera woman was probably looking for hot dudes.


GMoney said...

I love how everyone is talking about how great of a family man Phil is today. I wonder if all the Dublin strange that he's nailed through the years during The Memorial would agree?

Anonymous said...

I thought it was pretty funny when Tiger 3 putted from like 5 feet on the 14th. I was rooting for him, but that was pretty funny to watch.


GMoney said...

What a great day for Asian stereotypes. I was nailing them yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Fred Couples looks like your former 12 year old little league traveling team baseball coach.


GMoney said...

Oh wow. That is a pretty solid lookalike call. I wonder if Freddy's bunt sign is picking up a stone and tossing it over the fence.

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Anonymous said...

love your work here! I googled 'how many times does Faldo say false front' per tournament.has to be 35 times he uses that term.worst term ever!
anyways,your article was funny as hell..lay off Mickelson..dude's got game in spades...the Tits have gone away,you see him lately? either he had gynecomastia ( bitch tit) surgery ,or lost weight, or the wife-beater tank top he wears underneath is really a woman's sports bra..not sure which is true.