Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Battle For The Backyard

No sports today...unless you count hunting a sport. I do not. But I need to vent so here we go.

Last Fall, I made the conscious decision to have a nice lawn this year. At the first sign that Spring was breaking through, I got some high class fertilizer down. The kind of fertilizer that rich people use. This was no poor man's shit. I had the good shit. The only problems were that my dipshit neighbor's dandelions have migrated over and the grass grows about an inch per hour right now. I have no issues mowing the grass as it only takes me twenty minutes and it's much better than snow removal. The fact that I have to mow more was not going to stop me from having a lawn that you wouldn't mind taking home to your mother. So now that the table has been set, let's get into the part where you point and laugh at me. Trust me, the following passage will illustrate all too well how big of a cunt I am.

I get the lawnmower out a few weeks for the first cut of the year. The grass is thick and I'm not really paying attention so I notice nothing. I think I see a hole in the ground in the backyard by the pine trees, but I can't tell for sure. Whatever. The job is done, time to go beat off.

Last Wednesday, the grass needed cut again so I take care of the front and sides first and then head out back. I'm looking closer at the hole this time and--holy shit--SOMETHING IS FUCKING MOVING IN THERE! I couldn't tell what it was, but frankly, I didn't WANT to know what the fuck it was. You see, I am deathly afraid of snakes. I suffer from the same condition as Indiana Jones...we hate snakes. Poisonous or not, snakes are creepy as shit. I wasn't about to wait around and find out what it was so I left the mower in the yard and ran inside like a pre-pubescent girl. After a few minutes, I realized that I had to do SOMETHING. (Trust me, you are going to like this part.) So I fill a bucket with the wife's potting soil for some reason and head back out to the yard. From about ten feet away (as that is the closest I was going to get), I start heaving the dirt onto the hole. This accomplished nothing as you can imagine. So I rummaged around the garage and found what I wanted: a jug full of insect poison. I figured "it's called poison, dammit, it's going to do some fucking damage". I head back out and dump the entire two gallons on the mound of potting soil. That was that for the night. I prayed that that worked.

Thursday, I invite Swiney over to help me get over my fears and find whatever is haunting my backyard (and hopefully take care of the King Cobra that lives in my dirt). He was not too keen about helping me with this which made him virtually worthless. All day long at work, I'm thinking about what I'm going to do because I can't just ignore this problem. I'm having anxiety attacks like Tony Soprano. It's going to fucking make a home in my yard if I don't do something to stop it. So we head out and here I am swinging a shovel like it's a goddamn sledgehammer hoping that I hit something that may or may not even be there. I do not hit anything but loose, poison-laced potting soil. We look around and it appears that yesterday's filled hole is now empty. Shit.

I did nothing on Friday so it was up to Saturday for round 3. I get home from umpiring and find a bottle of weed-and-feed in the garage. My thinking was, "how can you go wrong with MORE POISON!" So I try to flood the hole with weedkiller. Look, I'm not a killer. I'll eat the shit out of animals (that didn't come out right), but I don't want to see them killed. It's the pussiest part of me. I do not want blood on my hands. But I have no problem dumping chemicals in a hole and hoping that that does the job. Because I didn't kill it...THE POISON DID!!!

Oh, I almost forgot to say that after Wednesdays poisoning, I thought I heard baby birds chirping from the hole (as if they were in pain). I have no idea if birds ever bury their eggs in a hole or not, but it sure as shit sounded like it. Anyway, on Saturday, She$ calls her handy father and asks what he thinks it might be. His guesses are either a rabbit or a snake. As soon as the "S" word was muttered, my bowels vacated and I tried to get our house on the market. We had to move. Now Sunday, I tell the story to my mother and she thinks it's a "vole" which is a mole the size of a mouse. There is a species that is attracted toward pine trees and that would make a lot of sense. You can learn a lot by googling voles. I am probably the only who has ever done this.

The last two days have been nothing but me coming home from work and spraying gallons of water from the hose to the hole hoping to flush the little bastard(s) out. So far, nothing. This is starting to get frustrating. I want whatever it might be GONE. Quit fucking with my pussy, you bitch! Today, I have to mow again. I will not be a bitch any more. I will not let this hole ruin my life.

I don't care what it is. Vole, snake, birds, rabbit--fuck you all. You will not stop me. I've already cut Chris Volstad from my fantasy baseball team. I mailed a box of shit to Kenny Stabler. I burned a cross in front of Larry Bird's house. I dumped a hundred boxes of Trix into the Olentangy River. I am focused now. I have controlled my fears. Whatever you are, you WILL be destroyed. I don't care if I have to dump a gallon of gas into that hole and set the fucking thing on fire.

Burning down my house would be worth it for the peace of mind of not having a critter in my yard other than my neighbors dog who apparently loves to shit on our property. I will not be bullied by something 1/500th my size. And when I find out exactly what the terrorist is that has me afraid to go outside, I will smash it's fucking head in with my snow shovel.

Unless it's a snake. It can have my fucking house. I'm moving. I'm not going to need it anymore if we are infested with snakes. I'm not trying to be a hero here. I've seen Anaconda. If a snake can take down Ice Cube, I've got no fucking chance.

In conlusion, I am a little girl.


Grumpy said...

Man up, you little weenie.

Anonymous said...

Snakes are my only phobia as well. I don't blame you one bit.


Mr. Ace said...

You are having lawn/landscape issues and you didnt think to seek the advice of Mr. Ace? There is your first mistake. Did you Winterize your lawn in the Fall? Didn't think so. Get a clue, you're a terrible man.

I would recommend a product called Mole Tox, which is available at your favorite Ace Hardware. It will kill any kind of varmint, even your neighbors dog(BONUS), and when it days it wont stink like a decomposing corpse.

If it's a snake... buy a mongoose.

MuDawgfan said...

You could also lay a trap. If its a vole/varmit - it is likely attracted to peanut butter or seeds. Buy a trap and lay it out near the hole. Check the next day and if you caught something - if not, you've been snaked brah

GMoney said...

I kind of think that it might be gone having learned it's lesson. Quick death is much more desirable than the slow torture that I've been putting that hole through.

Ace, I thought about calling you but I figured that you would just stick your dick in the hole and what good would that do?

Honest question though, what does "winterizing" your lawn in the Fall do?

If I've been snaked, holy shit, I don't want to be snaked. We have those high-tech mouse traps, that's a good idea to set a few out and get me some dinner.

Tony B. said...

Ice Cube once punched out D-Bo. If he's scared of snakes, then we all should be scared of snakes.

Anonymous said...

You should just sit outside with a sniper rifle and a 6 pack of booze like my dad does to kill groundhogs.

Do you really want to get ripped off at Ace hardware!? Go to Wal-Mart!!!

The problem with trapping it is it would still be alive. You would then have to approach the thing to kill it or get it out of the trap.


GMoney said...

Not my traps, Dut. Black Cat is the shit. The dumbass rodent sticks it's head in to get some sweet, sweet peanut butter and--WHAM--snapped fucking neck and immediate death.

I do like the idea that SNL had back in the 90's with the roach trap that kept it alive but ripped off it's legs and beat it with them. Hilarious torture.

I would eat a live snake to see video of your dad drunkenly shooting animals in the backyard.

Ekali81 said...

I once found a fucking 8ft python in my backyard . The most horrify shit ever. Luckily my girl at the time was country and came out with a machette and choped his head off. Fucking hillbillies just relaese their snakes all the time. Those alligators don't give a fuck either

Ace said...

Fuck you Dustin. Walmart sells B grade products. You get what you pay for.

Basically winterizing is twice as important as anything you do in the spring or summer. Fall is when your lawn is most receptive to feed bxcause there r less pests and disease then. You should Winterize and reseed in late Sept or early Oct. And make sure you pull weeds before you winterize or else they will absorb all the feed and own your lawn in the spring. You're all welcome.