Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Bachelor Party Live Blog!

Wow, what a weekend. Occasional commenter Rex is getting married in a couple weeks and we went down to St. Louis to celebrate...his terrible decision to get married? Now, a lot of the guys are going to be pissed at me for posting this, but they didn't drop $200 at the blackjack table within the first hour of being at the casino so fuck 'em. I don't even know where to begin. C-Mode ordering a $50 steak well done and being pissed it was charred? The midget hookers? Waking up to C-Mode fingerblasting Dustin? Fun Guy shoving his cock into an Einstein's bagel...certainly better than eating it. I guess this bachelor party could best be described as The Hangover minus a tiger...and Vegas. So I hope you're ready because I'm ready to lose some friends. Let the 3 day Live Blog begin!

NOT!!! I'm a dick, but I'm not that big of a dick. But knowing how pissed off you are right now that I'm not actually posting a live blog of the bachelor party brings me great joy. I live to let you down. Instead of talking about all the debauchery and titty sprinkles from this weekend, I'm here to talk some NFL. It has been over a week since the NFL was discussed around these parts, when G Money's all time least favorite quarterback became DC's "savior." That is fucking hilarious and it will be until the end of time. You know what else is hilarious? The Steelers.

First, lets talk about that trade. Santonio Holmes gets traded to the Jets for a sack of GRID dicks. I'm not a big fan of Holmes, but what the fuck are the Steelers thinking? He's 26 and coming off his best year yet, not to mention he was the fucking Super Bowl MVP, and you dump him for a 5th round pick? I understand he has his issues. I know he is suspended for the first four games. Still, that's just fucking stupid. Hines Ward isn't getting any younger. Limas Sweed is...Limas Sweed. Seems like a terrible move. Meanwhile, the Jets are making a run to win now and it is basically costing them jack shit. But anything that helps Rex Ryan, I am all for.

The real story, Big Ben got let off the hook yesterday for immorally/illegally pillaging some pussy in Millyvegas. I don't really care whether or not he was charged, we all know what the fuck happened. If you don't believe me, take a gander at the District Attorney's presser where he absolutely PWNED Roethlisberger.

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And then take a look at the transcript of the entire presser here for some additional Q & A. I'm a big fan of these lines:
One of the bodyguards guided the victim down a back hallway. Mr. Roethlisberger followed her down the hallway into a small bathroom. The issue is what happened in that small, less than five-foot-wide, single-commode bathroom, between Mr. Roethlisberger and the victim.
There is one good thing I have to say about Big Ben, he hires good help. Nothing like a wingman to set up your sexual assault. And another one of my faves:
Noted in there report was a superficial laceration and bruising and light bleeding in the genital area.
RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! Listen, I'm no doctor, and I can understand how this isn't enough to press criminal charges, but holy fucking shit, he raped her. End of story. This guy is a fucking scumbag. Every Sunday I will root for him to be a quadriplegic. Fuck him. And yes, he paid her off.

Did you see his statement? Did that look like an innocent man to you? At least when he banged Mr. Ed in Vegas he came out with some fucking stones and denied it totally. You didn't see any of that shit yesterday. Did you see that ass holes hair? It's like a fucking carny gangster mullet. Seriously, he is a mustache away from the sexual predator registry cover.

After this, of course the Steelers have to get rid of this guy, right? Nope. But they did trade Santonio Holmes...for a drug policy related suspension(Pot, duh) and throwing a drink at a lady. At least we know where the Steelers draw the line. Throwing a glass in some woman's face=NOT OK. Raping and forcefully violating sexual organs=OK. So they trade Holmes and keep a fucking rapist around, and Rooney still has the audacity to drop this line, "The Pittsburgh Steelers take the conduct of players and staff very seriously." Remember when Tomlin dropped the ol' "The Steelers standards for their players are above and beyond that of our peers?" It was just a month ago. That's fucking hilarious. The Steelers are no different than any other organization. Morals or standards don't mean shit to them and it's fucking laughable that they are putting on this facade while having a rapist as their starting quarterback. Fuck you Pittsburgh. And fuck you before you even say anything Grump, don't you dare come to this organizations defense.

The Steelers are going to be a train wreck this year and I cannot wait. Here's to hoping Roethlisberger dies on the field in Cleveland...and then they nuke that shit hole.


Grumpy said...

From the DA, "If I were on that jury, I wouldn't vote to convict." It was drunken, consensual sex, something I'm sure you know plenty about, just not with actual women.

Ben's a good guy who does stupid things; Santonio is a bad guy who does bad things, then goes on Twitter and suggests people kill themselves.

GMoney said...

First of all, "Don Burgundy" is not my least favorite QB ever as that title will always be owned by Tony Romo. But he's up there.

Ben needs to hire a stylist instead of an entourage. He looks like a shitty pro wrestler.

Grump, from everything I've read about him, I'm not so sure that he is a good guy. He's a stupid guy that does stupid things.

Anonymous said...

Grump...What the fuck is wrong with Santonio telling people to kill themselves? I think it's brilliant.

Can't wait for SUH to be a Lion.


Grumpy said...

I can only base my conclusion on personal observation; in my contacts with Ben I have always found him to be personable, friendly, outgoing and respectful.

Ace said...

I have never come across someone who said Ben was a good guy. Maybe he just wanted to rape you Grump.

As I type this, I am absolutely destroying the bathroom at work and some guy walks in and says "Holy shit, that smell. Oh my god that is awful." So he takes a piss with his shirt over his nose and when he walks out I say You're Welcome from inside the stall. I am awesome.

What do people think about the Santonio trade? I can't be the only one who thinks its an awful move.

Also G$, How's Haynesworth working out for you? I love how the Redskins do business.

GMoney said...

I can see why the Stillers did it since he already said that he was leaving after this year. I absolutely do not buy the shit that they were going to cut him though.

Big Al needs to nut up. Romo and Eli aren't going to kill themselves (although that would be sweet).

Tony B. said...

Big Ben didn't rape Mr. Ed in Vegas- it was in Tahoe which makes a big difference. Namely, there are trees, a lake, and worse casinos.

Anonymous said...

Is Grumpy Ben's hair stylist? If so, I could see how he is respectful to you when you ran your paws through the sides of his head to slick back that awful mop.


J Beanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J Beanie said...

If Ben wants us to believe he isn't a rapist, maybe he shouldn't have The Rapist Hair.

GMoney said...

BREAKING NEWS!!! He shaved his head. No more Shawn Michaels hair for Ben's talk with Goodell today.

Anonymous said...

Hopefully Roethisberger learns a valuable lesson out of this...and the lesson would be as follows: No matter how famous you may become, if you are a fat guy with more chins than Pro Bowl appearances who wears 50 gallon trash bags for t-shirts, then you should just buy your sex like every other no talent fat fuck has to. Why do you think the Steelers paid you so much money? So you could stay out of trouble by purchasing hookers instead of raping college girls...retard. You want consensual sex with smokin hot co-eds? Either lose 40 pounds or get a hell of an imagination while you're strokin it to internet porn.