Thursday, April 29, 2010

The 2010 Jeff Conine All-Stars

I know what you're thinking: "Why in the hell are we talking about Jeff Conine"? That is an extremely fair and legit question. I mean, not even the Conine family talks about Jeff Conine anymore. But recently, I've noticed an influx of old, crappy players coming back to the bigs and shocking fans everywhere with their ability to still be alive. Gone are the deadweights of Chris Gomez and Ray Durham; still hanging and banging are the rag arms of Rodrigo Lopez and Mark Hendrickson! So I've researched every major league roster (as I did two years ago for this post) and have come up with a 25 man team of players that I'm sure most of you had no idea were still being paid to play baseball.

For about a ten year stretch in the 90's and 00's, I never failed to ask the question, "Why is Jeff Conine still playing"? I could never figure out how he kept getting work. Clearly, he had the strongest strain of alligator blood around. He is the poster boy of this team, but he is not alone. Let's get started unveiling the 2010 Jeff Conine All-Stars.

Let me preface this by saying that the manager of this fine squad is none other than Cito Gaston! And yes, he managed this team of vagabonds in 2008 as well! Gaston has taken time off from the Danny Glover lookalike circuit (I'm gettin' too old for this shit!) to come back to baseball, so we're recognizing him with this distinct honor again.

Granted their unconditional release (they didn't make the team) - Miguel Cairo (CIN), Austin Kearns (CLE), Gabe Kapler (was on this list two years ago and may eventually become a Jeff Conine Hall of Famer), and Jason Michaels (HOU)

C: Brad Ausmus (LAD), Jason LaRue (STL) - Ausmus actually caught Warren Spahn! LaRue was released by the Reds 18 years ago. I figured he would be gone by now. It takes a lot for me not to include Jason Kendall and Pudge Rordiguez here.

1B: Jason Giambi (COL), Bobby Crosby (PIT) - I had no idea that the Giambino was still playing...and getting paid to do so! 4-5 years ago, Peter Gammons picked Crosby to win the AL MVP before the season started. This may or may not have been the cause of Peter's brain issues.

2B: Mark Grudzielanek (CLE) - I met Grudz at a baseball camp over a decade ago. I would not include him on my list of 1000 most awesome people that I've met. For the record, former Browns center, Mike Baab, would be in the top 100. The Miller High Life Guy would be in the top ten. Li'l Strut would be #12,366.

3B: Eric Chavez (OAK), Melvin Mora (COL) - Chavez might be one of the biggest busts of the past decade as he was either hurt or terrible at all times. But he's finally healthy this year...yet still awful. Even the Orioles didn't want to pay Mora anymore and that says a lot.

SS: John McDonald (TOR), Craig Counsell (MIL) - I hate McDonald so much. He shouldn't even be selling hot dogs at a major league ballpark. He is truly horrendous and looks like a narc to me. A narc to what? I'm not sure, but he looks like a tattle-tale. Counsell was instrumental for the Marlins winning the '97 World Series over the Indians (suck on that!). He has gotten drastically worse every year since but is still fooling the Brewers.

OF: Jim Edmonds (MIL), Frank Catalanotto (NYM), Fernando Tatis (NYM), Marcus Thames (NYY) - Anyone else think that three of these four guys have taken some serious "injections" over their careers? I can't wait for the day that Thames gets released. He has already cost the Yankees two games with his rotten defense in left.

SP: Kris Benson (ARI), Freddy Garcia (CWS), Brian Moehler (HOU), Ian Snell (SEA), Livan Hernandez (WAS) - Call me crazy, but I find Anna Benson to be hot. Well, at least I did five years ago. I have no idea what she looks like today. Garcia looks like The Rock. Moehler is 38 and has never been good yet still starts in the bigs. Snell sucks. Livan looks exactly like a Latin Matt Thompson which is about the biggest insult that I can hurl at someone.

RP: Scott Schoeneweis (BOS), Arthur Rhodes (CIN), Bruce Chen (KC), LaTroy Hawkins (HOU), Jose Contreras (PHI), Guillermo Mota (SF) - I believe that Schoeneweis found his wife dead...damn, I'm impressed that he's still pitching actually. Rhodes is 40 and proof that if I have a son, he WILL be a left-handed pitcher. There is no easier way to make a living. If I told you that someone named Bruce Chen was Panamanian, would you believe me? Hawkins has sucked for 26 of the 30 teams in baseball in my estimation. That goes for Contreras and Mota as well. How was Contreras so unhittable in 2005 yet hasn't been able to get anyone out since (or before for that matter)?

Closer: Octavio Dotel (PIT) - Dotel is the worst fulltime closer of the past decade. No one will be able to change my mind on that. Not even Todd Jones was as shaky as Dotel.

I hope that helped. Now you all know what kind of crappy players are still making jack while you sit in your cubicle with your pants off. But as bad as this team appears to be, I'd still take them over the Pirates...and I'm sure that they could outscore the Indians.


Grumpy said...

If we're going to have a summer of baseball posts, can I cancel my subscription and get a refund?

GMoney said...

I haven't received your money yet so eat shit. Analyze Anna Benson's rack if you don't like the words.

Anonymous said...

The first person I thought of was Brian Moehler. I think he pitched in old Tiger Stadium and got caught with sandpaper on his thumb! I couldn't believe it when I turned on a game last week and saw him pitching.

Stop hatin on my boy Marcus Thames! Didn't the Yankees know when they signed him that he's awful in the field? He's only good for his occasional 450 ft bomb.


Anonymous said...

I didn't read yesterdays post until today so I wanted to add my good midget story to the forum (even though i wasnt personally involved)

So a girl at work asks me if I wanted to hear a funny story (which was also on the local news in the akron area). One of her friends has an autistic child in his early teens. The kid has never seen a midget in person. Well one day the kid is home alone and one of the census people is in the neighborhood going door to door. Well this census guy happened to be a MIDGET! When the kid answers the door to ultimately find a midget he believes him to be an elf of some sort. The kid overpowers the midget and locks him in a closet in the house!!! Not only did he lock him in the closet but he proceeded to feed him skittles all day until the mom came home to find this midget locked in her closet! Charges were going to pressed until details came out about the kid being autistic and the midget felt bad and dropped the charges. I thought this was hilarious.


Mr. Ace said...

Great midget story...but why would an autistic child be left home alone? I guess it is Akron.

No Omar Vizquel? I don't even know if he is on our active roster.

Drew said...

Seal and are both fucking retarded. Do you guys send your Nigerian relative money in the mail, so that he can send you part of an inheritance too?

That midget story is complete BS.

GMoney said...

I thought about including Omar but I didn't want to get into another debate in which I prove without a shadow of a doubt that he is not even close to being a hall of famer.

If that story were true, that mother should be jailed for leaving Rain Man home alone.

Mr. Ace said...

I thought Seal was a credible commenter...I can't trust any of you fuckers.

I'm still waiting on that inheritance though.

Grumpy said...

Ace, I'll give you the address to send me a check. Your inheritance will follow my receipt and clearance of your check. Screw the Nigerian middle man.

Anonymous said...

Drew I saw the good reference of "The Toy Chest". Any opinion on a strip club called Bazouki? Right around Greektown Casino.

And how the fuck am I supposed to know that story was bullshit - It was so good I wanted to believe it!


Tony B. said...

Jamie Moyer is 48 and pitched two days ago for the Phils! Forget about putting him on the team- you could change the whole award to be put into his name. How is that guy still in the league?

Drew said...

Seal....I have never been to Bakouzi, but I think I've heard it's decent. We pretty much just stick to that joint since it's sweet/tradition type of thing.

Now if you want reviews on Windsor strip clubs, I could write a decent book for you.

Anonymous said...

Also tribe fans will remember this name - Alan Embree. He was called up by the nationals today. I believe he was on our '97 World Series roster.


Anonymous said...

--Bazouki is a decent strip club, with a fair share of hot woman (but then again, they may have had the "A" team out for Opening Day the last time I went). I did get to see the waitress, and the stripper, give this guy a double hand job for a $30 tip, and two cigars...that's always interesting, and got even better when they stopped, and started making out....crazy!!

--Brian Mohler pitched the last game at Tiger Stadium, and the 1st game at Comerica Park. That should be enough to get him inducted into the


GMoney said...

I was kind of hoping that the comments today would be discerning opinions about Anna Benson...

Mr. Ace said...

Her tits in that picture look like they could wrap around her back and touch. How's that?

GMoney said...

Maybe she's related to Mark Henry???

Anonymous said...

You gotta do one for basketball. I found out last night Juwan Howard is still playing apparently.
I found this hilarious, as he sucks at basketball and has since Bush I.

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