Thursday, March 25, 2010
Last week, I had a health screening since I recently switched onto She$'s insurance. I had not been to a doctor in about 5 years so I was a bit nervous as to what they might find inside of me (super AIDS). Everything came back normal fortunately although there was one big surprise...my blood pressure is 110/80. This is apparently very good. I don't get it though because you have no idea how pissed off and red-faced I get while watching sports/driving. Sure, I'll take a good ticker any day but all this really tells me is that I'm not getting nearly as angry as I should be. And that must end, you abortions.
But then along comes the NCAA Tournament and it does an excellent job contricting my veins and arteries. Allow me to explain in detail:
I made an analogy at the Iceman's site the other day that I want to expand on more today. Since the Sweet 16 tips off tonight (some asshole you know will surely say that it is "kicking off" and the law says that you are allowed to punt that fuck in the taint for making such an aggregious error in the realm of sports grammar), I feel apt to hop on a soapbox.
Watching college hoops is probably a lot like befriending Charlie Sheen. You meet him and think that this guy is pretty damn cool. You want to make sure that this is not just a one night occurrance so you go out with him to the clubs again and again and pretty soon, you two are tight and he's pulling ass for you every night. It's great. Charlie Sheen (college basketball) is proving to be a crucial figure in your life. Hell, you're even starting to feel like a celebrity yourself. You find yourself able to predict what's going to happen before the night even begins. You start impressing your other friends with your current status. One week, Charlie lets you know that he is taking you to the Playboy Mansion and to enjoy everything that you can get. You're thinking to yourself, this is going to be a cakewalk. I know almost every nuance of the scene and it's time to impress all these fools. I AM GOING TO BANG EVERY BROAD THERE! The day of your trip to Hef's house, Charlie tells you to stop by his house first because he has a few more things that he needs to let you in on. You get cocky though and think that he's just blowing smoke up your ass. You stand him up in lieu of a Jersey Shore-esque gym-tan-laundry trip because you want to look good for your big night. You get to Sheen's place two hours late. You walk in the house and you can hear that he's balls deep in some strange. You think, "awww my boy is really giving it to that slut!" But you hear the voices and something doesn't quite connect. That sounds familiar. You run up to Sheen's bedroom and open the door.
Yep, Charlie Sheen is drilling your mom/sister/wife/office secretary while shooting himself up with heroin. You walk in right when the donkey punch is being delivered. And that is when you know that Sheen is one vindictive sonofabitch and he doesn't care about you. All that he cares about is nailing everything in sight. Charlie Sheen took his time and reeled you in only to DESTROY you.
And that is what happens to those of us that love college basketball. You follow it all season long only to have it stab you in the Goddamn dick come March. You could have scouting reports on every fucking team but it doesn't matter because the dumbest person in your office pool will always win. And that is one of the many reasons that I have never watched an episode of Two and a Half Men. Not only does it look retarded, but it reminds of how much damage college basketball/Charlie Sheen have done to me over the years.
Which is why I am vowing to never waste money filling out an NCAA tournament bracket again. Never. It's a bigger waste than lottery tickets. It is impossible for me to ignore college basketball for an entire season which means that I have no shot to win a pool. Hell, I am in DEAD LAST in my own while my wife is running away with the crown (I'm going to have to handwash her fucking car now). Here me now, I AM DONE. I'm not going to get suckered into this shit again. Now...WHO'S COMIN' WITH ME??? Join me. Come to the dark side. We can do other things. There are many alternatives that actually reward not being an idiot. Here are 4 off the top of my head:
1. Crazy 8's: Everyone picks 8 teams. You want to accumulate points. 1/2 seeds get 1 point per win, 3/4 get 2, 4/5 seeds get 3, and so on. Something like this makes you study brackets at least.
2. Connect 4: More of an inter-office idea but everyone draws 4 teams out of a hat. Those are your teams. Whoever is holding the winner at the end of the tournament takes the pot. It's 100% luck but at least it gives you a rooting interest.
3. Spreads: Everyone gets ONE team. Say I have Duke and you have Purdue. If Purdue covers the 8 points tomorrow but Duke wins anyway, I am done and now YOU have Duke for the remainder of the tournament or until they fail to cover the spread again. My dad ran one of these this year and drew Winthrop. They didn't cover the play-in game so he was eliminated before the real tournament even started. Awesome.
4. Damman Pool: I don't know what this is called but he is running it this year and it's been pretty fun. You pick all the winners AND how much they are going to win by. You want low scores. Pick the wrong winner (which I am doing very well at), add 5 points to your score PLUS the difference in outcome. Nail the winner and the amount they won by...-25. It keeps you engaged in all the games and eventhough I am currently over 100 points behind first, a couple of nuts this week could get me right back into things.
There. Those are just a few options. The important thing is for us educated basketball fans to stop hob-nobbing with the neophytes and start doing our own thing. Let those fucking morons have their brackets because I'm tired of coming home from work and finding Charlie Sheen cutting lines of coke on my counter. Those days over. Who's comin' with me?