Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Whooo, NFL Offseason Training is Here! Plus a Bonus Story

The college basketball season is officially over, I don't care what you say. I have seen all that I needed to see, the Final Four is irrelevant. (What I will say though, if Tom Izzo goes to Oregon I will get a Spartan tattooed on my scrotum--it will go great next to my "Kathy" tat on my taint.) Thankfully, the NFL offseason is coming into full swing, both on and off the field. So lets talk some football...and I've got special little story to give you some insight into what I deal with everyday.

Well, Overtime has been changed folks. What do we think? I actually like the change. I don't know if anything really needed to be done, but if something was going to be done then this was probably the way to go. Since the NFL has changed the kickoff point was moved from the 35 yard line to the 30, the team that received the ball in OT has won the game nearly %60 of the time. Before that change, it had been almost 50/50. It will bring a more fair result, and also add some new strategy to the game. If you are the receiving team and you have the ball down on the opposing teams 23 yard line and it is 4th and 3, what's the call? I am interested to see how coaches approach this. Some other proposals I saw thrown out there were a first to six proposal or just simply moving moving the kickoff point back to 35 for the OT. If I had to pick one, I probably would have picked the one the owners picked too. They just better start that shit in the regular season. There is no rule that should only be applied in post-season, that's stupid.

"Come to Pittsburgh, We Hate Women!"
Wow, the Steelers certainly are a class act. Remember that Super Bowl they won a couple years ago? Think about the three players who were most responsible for that win. You've got James Harrison. A guy who feeds his children to his dogs and has no qualms about pimp slapping a bitch. I don't remember exactly what he got in trouble for at Kent State, but I'm fairly certain he sodomized a 13 year old. Then there is Ben Roethlisberger; two-time rapist, all-time drunk, and giant dickhead. And the man with the miraculous catch that wasn't really a catch, Santonio Holmes; all-time pothead, Derec Alexander wannabe, baby mama beater, and, according to a Florida woman, a prominent member of the slap-a-hoe tribe. Real stand up organization the Rooney's are running up there. Marvin Lewis wouldn't take these fucks on his roster.

The Pacman is coming back, baby. Strippers beware, if you perform backroom blowjobs in either San Francisco, Cincinnati, or Detroit then powder up your G Strings now because there is a good chance Pacman will be making it rain all over your stage. Honestly, if you are a team looking for a nickel corner or somebody who will return kicks I don't see why you wouldn't take a chance on him. You are going to get a first round talent for damn near league minimum. If he fucks up, he's gone from the league forever and the team doesn't have to pay him the full contract. If he's still got it, then you've got a talented player who is going to be busting balls for a new contract. Win-win.

For fuck's sake, get McNabb out of Philly already. For some reason Mike Florio decided to make a list of all the teams that might be interested in McNabb...a list of 13 teams. What a clown. That list doesn't tell me shit, ass hole. And then Schefter comes out and proclaims the Raiders are the clear favorite to end up with McNabb. Well I got news for you, fucko, the Raiders aren't interested in Donovan. Why? Do you really think they want to pay McNabb eight figures just to have him show up at camp and get fucking dominated by my boy, Bruce Gradkowski? Of course not. Wherever he goes, good riddance. Let the Kevin Kolb era begin.
UPDATE: So I'm sitting here listening to Mike and Mike before I head into work and all these fuckards are calling in saying we owe McNabb better than this. Fuck That Shit. This is a business, people. McNabb is not performing well enough to warrant being the starting quarterback anymore, the Eagles could send his ass to the fucking Argonauts is they felt it appropriate. If you aren't an Eagles fan or don't follow them closely, you may think McNabb is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. If that is the case, you sir, are a ruh-tard. The guy lost his fucking lunch in the Super Bowl! It's not about stats, it's about what he does in the playoffs, in the big moments. He goes down on a hard one, balls deep. He's a choke artist. We don't owe him anything.

Now it's time for a mini story time Tuesday.
My job sucks more than your job. Don't argue with me, just accept it. And to make matters worse, I am morally opposed to everything about my job. Which means while I'm working, I'm also thinking of ways to sabotage the company I'm working for. I'm a great employee. But every once in awhile, my shitty job gives me great gifts. Anyways, I score assessment tests, Writing assessment tests usually. I never really know what is going to come across my desk...kids say some crazy shit. But the other day, I got something incredible and I am going to share it with you. Keep in mind, this assessment test determines whether or not a student will pass to the next grade and what level of classes he/she will take in the next grade. Enjoy.

"I'm going to tell you about how I lost my virginity in middle school. I knew this girl named Pamela and I knew she wanted me. We were walking home from school one day and she took me into this abandoned house and I fucked her from behind. When we got in the house, she took off my pants and started sucking my dick. I took her pants off and she told to eat her puss. I said, "Naw, I'm straight." I told her to keep on sucking. After that she started riding my dick real hard. So I pulled out and nutted all over that bitches face. I'm king ding-a-ling. That's all I've got to say. Fuck it, two tears in a bucket."

That is the entire essay...Needless to say, he passed.

12 comments:

GMoney said...

Holy shit, how old is that kid? It probably isn't appropriate to look up to a 12-13-whatever year old, but I do. And exactly who thought it was a good idea for you to work with kids?

I'm going to need an explanation on Santonio's catch not really being a catch.

Mike Florio is the worst reporter in the history of journalism. He makes Mort look like Jay Glazer.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I'm not sure I understand that Santonio catch thing either.

I definitely want the Lions to sign Pac Man and for the reasons you stated. Plus, we have casinos within walking distance of Ford Field. That just gives extra chances that when he does fuck up, it's an epic fuck up.

I'm not sure if I would rather see a picture of that kid or a picture of Pamela. Both are very intriguing options.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Just as I pictured him. Mr. Ace sitting in a cubicle wearing horn rimmed glasses, high water pants and getting his rocks off reading the fantasies of adolescent boys.

Ace said...

After significant research, I don't believe Santonio actually got his back foot down. Just like I don't believe Warner actually fumbled. Shenanigans.

I wish I had a cubicle. Then I could watch porn.

GMoney said...

Ace, you're an idiot. Take off the tin foil hat and understand that not everything has some conspiracy behind it.

MUDawgfan said...

Let's see how well "Naw, I'm straight" plays with the girlfriend this weekend....

Anonymous said...

Ace,

Do you have the final say on whether these kids' essays are passing material? If so, that would be hilarious. It would amount to a russian roulette style of essay writing on these tests for ballsy kids willing to write that kind of stuff. A low percentage would have their essay pass, while others had their parents sent a letter.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

P.S. Lets see if we can find out who that kid is and get him on for a guest post.

-Lil' Strut

ace said...

G$, pull the stick out of your ass.

LS, on the majority of them I do have final say. I usually don't see the kids names. But the I'd who wrote this essay actually signed it at the end. I'm trying to track him down as I type this.

GMoney said...

He's probably getting some chick pregnant behind the middle school. That is where I would look first. Two tears in a bucket.

A New Experienced Me said...

If Bruce Gradkowski is a starting quarterback in the NFL then I'm John Madden's belly fat. He played well enough last year to be considered for the Raider's back up QB spot. He'll be battling Jamarcus for that role...that is unless the staff decides to move Russell to left tackle...dude reported to camp at 290 pounds. The black Jared Lorenzen...and that is not a compliment.

Anonymous said...

You obviously don't understand the greatness of Bruce Gradkowski.