Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Tiger Woods Drops Some Hoops Knowledge On Yo Ass

I pulled some strings for all you Money Shot Maniacs today. While ESPN and The Golf Channel had to provide taint service to get just five minutes of his time, my boy Eldrick got ahold of me and said he needed to get some things off his chest. He's apparently really pissed that Kansas totally fucked his bracket. Enjoy!

Bill Self, you limp dicked piece of shit, I've got one thing to say to you and one thing only, "I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you." Not only did you shit all over my bracket, but your Jayfucks were the icing on my cake of shitty gambling picks.(Apparently Tiger took gambling advice from Grump and Drew) Now I've got just one question for you, "Have you ever had a golden shower done to you?" Call me R Kelly, bitch.

Ace dropped some hoops knowledge on you last week and went 5-3 with his first round picks, he is a very impressive man. If he were here right now I would ask him, "Where do you want to be bitten?" But enough about Ace, the only endorsement opportunities I have right now are from Hustler, Playgirl, and Brazzers...it's time to make me some mother fuckin' money.

St. Mary's vs Baylor- Baylor-4.
When is the last time the Australians have won anything? There was only one cool Aussie and he died by way of flying fucking stingray! The only good thing I ever saw in Australia was Rachel Uchitel's labia. BAM! I'm on a fucking roll...talk about some beef curtains. Would somebody please make that ugly troll bastard of a point guard for St. Mary's use his left hand? That guy couldn't even beat off lefty if he used the overhand stroke. Baylor-4.

Xavier vs Kansas St- KSU -4.5.
Ace dared Jordan Crawford to carry Xavier passed Minnesota and that's exactly what he did. And then he owned Pitt. And now, he is going to own K State. But can someone tell that coach to stop bitching about his mid-major status. You're a fucking 5 seed and you make it to the Sweet Sixteen every year, why do you care what members of the media say about you? I sure as hell don't. Hell, just the other day I told Kelly Tilghman, "After I cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard." And she did. Either way, you won't be seeing that coach after Thursday. If Xavier loses, they go home. If they win, Frank Martin will have him wacked. Xavier+4.5.

Butler vs Syracuse- Syracuse-7.
How can I put this in a way that will make perfect sense? How about this, imagine you have Mindy Lawton facing off against Jamie Jungers in a fucking competition. Jungers is clearly the favorite, but Lawton could still pull off the upset 3 out of 10 times. But now, Jungers opens the door and in walks Holly Sampson butt naked with a bucket of orange chicken. Jungers and Sampson are officially unstoppable, Lawton has no chance. Cuse-7.

Cornell vs Kentucky- UK-9.
I don't have any black friends. The only black guy I have ever really known is my father and he taught me everything I know. Thanks a lot, ass hole, rot in hell. I don't trust black people and neither should you. Those honkey's can't get blown out. Cornell+9.

Northern Iowa vs Sparty- Sparty-1.5.
Is this a joke? Sparty without Kalin Lucas is like a pornstar who can't keep her fucking mouth shut, LAME! And I must admit, even to a snatch slayer like me, that little terrorist boy is sexy. I would love to see his Iranian missile if you know what I mean. I also must apologize for Tim Izzo's raspy voice. The last time we got together he asked me what I wanted to do. I told him, "Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat." The Iranian wins. Northern Iowa +1.5.

Go ahead and take this sheet to your bookie and tell him, I wanna "Hold you down while a choke you and fuck that ass that I own," courtesy of your boy, Tiger Woods.


Grumpy said...

Mr. Ace, you're one funny MoFo, but you're picking against the Australian National team. They're going to stuff a bloomin' onion up your ass.

GMoney said...

Anyone notice how terrible Tiger looked in his interview with Tom "The Virgin" Rinaldi? Looked like he hadn't slept in months.

Loooove that Xavier bet. They are rolling. And Chris Mack is wrong, they most definitely are a mid-major. If he wants to stop being that, his athletic department would need to find a way to spend 50 million more dollars per year.

Ace said...

I believe Tiger is going through a Michael Jackson type change. By 2011 he will be bleached white and raping young boys.

GMoney said...

Personally, I think that Duke -8 over Purdue is a shoe-in.

Ace said...

I have never placed money on Duke in my entire life and I don't plan to start now.