Tuesday, March 09, 2010

NFL Free Agency: Cock Tease 2010

What the hell happened the to the craziest free agency ever? Where is all the crazy jack that was supposed to be getting tossed around? Why hasn't Al Davis made some average player the highest ever paid at his position? I think Antonio Bryant would look great along side Heyward-Bey in Oakland, pull the trigger Al! What the hell is going on here? The question I really want answered, why the fuck isn't Daniel Snyder signing washed up team cancers to 7 year $100 million contracts? Did somebody play a joke on Dan? That's what happened, isn't it? Somebody told Dan the uncapped year was supposed to be last year, why else would he pay Haynesworth 100 mil to only be out there stomping skulls 40% of the plays? Jim Zorn, you clever son of a bitch.

I'll be honest, this free agency period has given me some major blue balls. Not even the asinine amount of money the Falcons gave to an average cornerback, $57 mil!!!, really did it for me. The race for Julius Peppers didn't live up to the hype. Who the fuck wants to play in Chicago? Speaking of Chicago, are you ready to watch Jay Cutler break the single season record for INT's? I think the Bears have made some really good moves thus far and Chester Taylor will be a great fit, but Mike Martz + Jay Cutler= The worst of Rex Grossman times five. I can't wait for that train wreck.

Now here are some of the moves that actually make sense. The Giants had to pay Antrel Rolle crazy cash because their secondary was literally the worst I have ever seen in the NFL. Even with Rolle they still have the worst secondary in the NFC East, but it had to be done. The shocker of the entire free agency period is the Detroit Lions. Nate Burleson is a solid number 2 and a good go-to for Chubs Stafford, plus he is reunited with the man who helped Burleseon put together his best season as an NFL WR in Scott Linehan. Then Jim Schwartz gets his guy, Kyle Vanden Bosch. And then they nab Chris Houston for a sixth round pick. The Lions are making great fucking moves everybody, find a goddamn bomb shelter! But the best move so far is the Ravens stealing Anquan Boldin from the Cardinals for a 3rd and a 4th, and still managing to get back a 5th rounder. And look at his contract, 4 years for $28 mil and only $10 mil guaranteed, that's a fucking steal. The Ravens just shot themselves and Flacco's unibrow right to the top of the list of Super Bowl contenders.

Now, to my Eagles. First, I am thrilled to have Avant signed for another five years, he's one of my favorite Eagles and has the best hands in the NFL...yeah, I said it. Other than that, I don't know what the hell is going on in Philadelphia. I think the Reid boys have been lacing Andy's philly jelly donut cheese steaks with meth and he thinks we can start three quarterbacks and still have Brian Dawkins. Seriously, Donovan McNabb needs to be traded yesterday. The city is ready for him to go, the team is ready for him to go, and, most importantly, I am ready for him to go. Get the fuck out of Philadelphia, dammit! I want draft picks. I need a safety. I need a linebacker. I need a defensive end. I don't need three quarterbacks. Get out of my life, Donovan.

The way I see it there are two more big moves left in the off-season, getting McNabb's bitch ass out of Philly, and finding a new home for Brandon Marshall. I don't know where he will end up, but if I'm a young cornerback on a team looking at Marshall I'm loading up on Kevlar immediately.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

As a lifelong Lions fan, I'm shocked at what they have done. They actually made sensible moves. Now they will probably go and draft some shit head instead of one of the two DT's in the draft...only other acceptable person to draft in that spot is Russell Okung.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

You could give Flacco Michael Irvin and Jerry Rice and he wouldn't win anything. When is G$ coming back?

Anonymous said...

Mr. Ace,
Giving props to The Detroit Lions?
If only the Lions could figure a way to trade down and get more picks. I think there is more to come...I hear Barry Sanders (the greatest RB of all time) is thinking of coming back. This is what it feels like to have someone in the Front Office who knows what they are doing?

P.S. Watch out for Ardolis Chapman, The future of the Nasty Nati's and UNC will make a run in the ACC tourney

---Lange

GMoney said...

I will be back tomorrow, Grump. Until then, enjoy having Antwaan Randle El back. The Steelers apparently switched places with the Lions when it comes to signing free agents.

What are you talking about? Danny Snyder brought in the final piece for a championship in ARTIS HICKS!!!

Grumpy said...

Randle El will return punts and be the #4 receiver. Stefan Logan and Mendenhall will be Thunder and Lightning.

Anonymous said...

Wrong again, ace. The best move is the Browns stealing Seneca Wallace from the Seahawks!

Is it even worth mentioning that Avant has the best hands in the NFL? Sure it could be true, but there is no way of proving that and who gives a shit. The dude is a bum. What's the point of having the best hands if you can't get open? We all know your infatuation with him is only because he's from Lloyd Carr's Michigan.

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

Piss off, Grump. In sick and tired of your shit around here. Not every team can have a rapist who is willing to do anything to get what he wants.

The Ravens are going to dominate the AFC North.

SENECA WALLACE!!! I would rather have the homo.

GMoney said...

The Redskins currently have the FOURTH lowest payroll in the NFL. What the fuck is going on here???

SSReporters said...

Wallace sacks himself and never throws the ball away. He's a midget Holmgren could never mold into a decent QB so he's going to stubbornly try again.

Don't waste your time trying to think Seneca is anything other than an average backup. He's the only QB I can think of that would throw a 1 yard pass on 4th and 2.

Tony B. said...

The Bears sign the best defensive free agent and all you can talk about is Jay Cutler being 5 times worse than Rex Grossman?

The Eagles QB situation is so unbelievably stupid as you have a guy who has brought you to 5 NFC championship games and a Super Bowl that you don't want, a convicted felon who is scheduled to be overpaid, and a young guy that the organization has such little faith in that they brought in an overpaid convicted felon. Good luck with all that.

SSReporters said...

McNabb is getting up there in age and in turnovers, he doesn't have that many more years to choke away any chance the Eagles have at a Lombardi Trophy. Might as well trade him.

Anonymous said...

SS- I was being sarcastic about Seneca. I assume that he's only going to be a backup. If not, the browns will win 2 games instead of 3.

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

I gave the Bears there goddamn credit, it just won't matter because pairing Martz with Cutler is just a terrible decision.

SS, well said.

MUDawgfan said...

Donta Robinson is 26 years old and we have him till he's 32. The Falcons get him in his prime and pay less than 10 mill a year for his services.

We get a former defensive rookie of the year who played for a shit team and we get to skip all of his rookie learning curve.

It's was a great move and now the team can draft for pass rush at OLB or DE

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Super Bowl Commercials 2012 said...

Excellent pieces. Keep posting such kind of information on your blog. I really impressed by your blog.