Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Ires Of March: Helping You Hate

Happy St. Patrick's Day hangover everyone! I hope that you relish your green poo this morning. As for me, I did not partake in any of that chicanery yesterday. Oh no, I decided that I owed you, the dedicated reader and casual college basketball fan, some sage advice. And that is why I've done what I've done today. I have looked at the rosters of all 65 college basketball teams participating in the Big Dance this week. Through that research, I have developed a list of guys that you all will want to punch in the face. So don't worry about trying to find these things out on your own. Your weird Uncle G$ has got your back. He'll help your hangover by telling you who to hate. So relax, take some Advil, put on your sweatpants, and let me assist with who you should be rooting against over the following days/weeks.

Now this was not easy. There are a lot of players to sift through to get to the cream of the irritating crop. So I settled on four rules for this list:
1. Starters or major minute guys only
2. No European guys - They are all nerds anyway.
3. No black players - No black guy has a punchable face because every black guy on the planet could kick my ass. Needless to say, you won't be finding any Hoyas on this list today.
4. No Duke players - We all hate them. You know this. I know this. We all root against them anyway. So let's just forget that they even exist today eventhough it would be fun to push Jon Scheyer down a stair well.

The honorable mention punchables (not to be confused with the always disgusting Lunchables): Kenneth Van Kempen (Ohio), Kenny Frease (Xavier), Chris Kramer (Purdue), Matt Bouldin (Gonzaga), Jordan Eglseder (Northern Iowa), AJ Ogilvy (Vanderbilt), and Chandler Parsons (Florida).

7. Andy Rautins, Syracuse - I actually like his game and find him to be a solid leader for the Orange. But then I look at that hair. Oh, man I loathe the Red Rooster look. None of my friends have had the balls to go with this awful style and if they did, they would be disowned by me and found at the bottom of an elevator shaft. Who came up with that garbage trend anyway because they deserve a beating for that.
6. Ben Hansbrough, Notre Dame - He looks like Randy from A Christmas Story all grown up. I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS! Benny Boy has all the traits associated with a guy you should not like: the majority of his shots are three pointers, he voluntarily attends Notre Dame, and he is the brother of Tyler Hansbrough. He should be #1 on this list based on that last fact alone.
5. Ryan Rossiter, Siena - I don't understand how this kid is so effective playing in the post. There is no way that he weighs more than 110 pounds. His uniform is about 8 sizes too big. His knee brace is twice the size of his legs. His nickname is "Rooster". That's the second rooster reference in this post today! I will always hold a special place in my heart for Rossiter though for dominating Byron Mullens last year, but let's be honest, dude defines "dork". He looks like the kind of guy who would tell me that he can throw a slurve (only Damman will get that reference yet I'm using it anyway).
4. Matt Howard, Butler - Simply put, Howard just looks incredibly awkward. When he runs, he appears to have cement in his black size 45 high-tops. His hair is always all over the place. He is a fouling machine. He's got a lot of skill, but it's never showcased with any semblance of grace. I've always had this image of what a basketball player from Indiana looks like and Howard pretty much covers it for me. You have to be a grinder with bad hair and you must know how to operate a combine. Chewing hay is also part of that look.
3. Keiton Page, Oklahoma State - I respect Page a little because he's a bit pudgy and will shoot from anywhere. But that's where it ends. I've never met anyone named "Keiton" but I know that I wouldn't like anyone with that name. So what makes his face punchable? I'm guessing it's the red hair. Yeah, it's got to be the red hair. And maybe because he tried to kill Egon at the end of Ghostbusters.
2. Jon Diebler, Ohio State - Words can not describe how much I dislike Diebler. And believe me, I've tried here numerous times over the past three years. Remember that shot that Evan Turner made to beat Michigan last week? Remember how the celebration from that play was the banner pic at all of the major sports sites? Well, look at the faces that Rat Boy made in those pics. Completely objectionable. The only times that this knob goes inside the three point line is when someone drops some cheese and he picks it up for a quick nibble. I really hope that he catches an elbow at some point this March if only to see his face wrapped up mummy-style like it was in high school. Hilarious. Diebler makes his brother, McLovin, look like Brad Pitt.
1. Jason Bohannon. Wisconsin - Bohannon has always struck me as the most boring person on the planet. I can't believe that I found a picture of him showing any emotion whatsoever. The cameraman must have been showing him a rubber chicken or something. Is there any doubt at all that he cuts his own hair? Actually, you could say that about the entire Wisconsin team. Does Bo Ryan make sure that all of his player's hair length is less than a millimeter? Is there a Madison production of Full Metal Jacket starring the Badgers that I am not aware of? Anyway, Bohannon drives me nuts with his dour facial expressions and scrappy attitude. I don't think that this was even close. There is no one that I'm rooting against more in this tournament than this guy.

When I decided to put this post together, I was initially overwhelmed by such a massive task. But I soon realized that most Big Ten teams have a token objectionable guy on the team which made it easier. God Bless you, Big Ten, for continually churning out players that are so easy to want to punch in the face. In conclusion, I've done all the work for you. All you need to do is sit back, relax, watch some hoops, and get ready for your blood pressure to rise as soon as one of these guys comes onto your screen. Enjoy the day, fellas, this is one of OUR holidays.


Grumpy said...

I'm with you on all but Rautins; dudes got game. And there's been a Rautin's on the Syracuse roster for about 50 years. Enjoy the weekend.

rstiles said...

Diebler is a douche bag

GMoney said...

Rautins can play, no doubt. But that damn hair bothers me to no end.

Anonymous said...

I'm shocked Diebs wasn't #1. I would have enjoyed this post more if you would have had 12 green beers first. What kind of fag stays in on st pattys day when you have the next day off?


GMoney said...

I went out for a little bit to fill out my Stube bracket. But it was ridiculously packed so I drank my two free Crown and Coke's and left.

Anonymous said...

Kenneth van Kempen is European. He's from the Netherlands.

Cornibal said...

are we afraid to punch black guys?
have you really looked at scottie reynolds face?
dude needs a smack.

Anonymous said...

Can't believe your didn't put Greveis Vasquez on this list.