Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Inevitable Return of The Hump Day Hump

Every Wednesday back in 2007-2008, we here at The Money Shot ran down some stories, that aren't "full topic worthy", in a bullet-pointed fashion. The results were delightful. We are bringing it back today because I am resting up for tomorrow's really awesome post.

This week, the "It's ALWAYS better to be pissed off than pissed on" Edition.

***Big Ben wanted a squirter - OK, this thing is starting to get weird. Now I don't know if these stories are true or not, but it makes the claims against Ben a little tougher to believe. First, there was Ben's statement that the victim fell in the bathroom. Now, I read a story that the victim drunkenly pissed all over herself. Let's say that those two things are surefire truths. Would any of you try to hook up with some hammered chick who peed all over the bar and at one point was lying on a bathroom floor? Ugh, I'm dry heaving just thinking about it. If She$ ever did that (especially the disgusting bathroom bar floor part), I would be seeing a divorce lawyer the next day. Who knows, maybe Ben was trying to nail that shit just a little too hard. But something doesn't seem right here if what I'm reading is accurate. Don't get me wrong, I'm still embarrassed by the situations that he puts himself in and the bad light that he shines on my alma mater, yet I hope that we are closer to knowing the truth. And if any ladies are reading this, STOP DRINKING TO THE POINT THAT YOU CAN'T CONTROL YOUR URINE, CUNTS.

***Waitresses at the Augusta Perkins better get ready - Oh fuck yes. Tiger fucking Woods will be back in three short weeks. This is going to be amazing. This will be a blogger's dream. I hope to Christ that he is somewhere near the top of the leaderboard on Sunday. My vagina is already getting wet just thinking about the Masters live blog potential there.

***Why bringing Grandmama aboard wasn't a bad move - I was lmore than a little upset on Friday when Dut texted me laughing at the Skins signing Larry Johnson. But, I've started to warm to the idea a bit. Remember, I initially predicted that LJ would be in DC after the Chiefs released him this Fall. I guess that I was just ahead of my time. But it's not that bad of a deal and let me tell you why: 1. It's basically a 3 year deal worth barely over a million guaranteed per year. 2. He is better than Ladell Betts. 3. He grew up a Redskins fan so that means he is going to be AWESOME! 4. Mike Shanahan has a history of turning ANYONE into a pro bowler. 5. It's a low risk/medium reward deal. At worst, they cut him. At best, he and Portis team up to give the Skins a solid backfield. 6. He is not Ladell Betts. Herm Edwards and Dick Vermeil both told the Washington Post that LJ will be the starter this year. Well, if Herm and the Baby say it, IT MUST BE TRUE! SUPER BOWL!

***Pete Sampras is no Smog Strangler - Is there anything more pathetic than tennis smack? Even bloggers find tennis players to be pussies. So during a charity event, Sampras made fun of Agassi for walking like a duck. Andre responded in kind by taking off his wig and calling Petey a bad tipper. BURN!!! Sampras took it like a bitch but maybe Andre was implying that Pete was awful at playing "Just The Tip". If I were him, I would have called Agassi's license plates in to 1-800-GRAB-DUI and told them that a crystal meth tweaker was swerving all over the road. Where was I again? Oh yeah, I would totally do both of their wives.

***Mike Holmgren is a liar - "Jake Delhomme is the leader that I wanted." I didn't watch the press conference, but I assume that this line was met with uproarious laughter. Did he follow that joke up with a "Why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?" I know that Browns fans want to trust the Walrus, but holy shit, this does not look promising. I read yesterday that the Cleveland front office likes Jimmy Clausen. I'll tell you what, if you want to trade up to #4 with the Skins to the Golden Shower, you go right ahead. That Notre Dame quarterbacking tree just keeps on giving.

***GeNo one cares about women's Auriemmathletics - I'm just going to call him The Iceman because his moniker is too long and so is his website name and it reminds me of his wet J dominating in The Grand Canyon, but he had an epic rant about how the UConn women can pretty much go fuck themselves. I don't particularly care about their record myself. It would be like if the Dream Team just stuck together in 1996 and played other NBA teams. They have all the talent and no one else does. And they are dykes. Don't forget about the dykes.

In conclusion, I have a zit on the inside of my nose. Now, I've never been shot before, but this has to be much, MUCH more painful than that. I just want to cut my God damn face off right now. But if I did that, John Travolta might steal it from me.


Mr. Ace said...

I would not put it beyond a drunken Big Ben to plow through some pissed on pussy.

I also have a raging three week boner for Tiger Woods' return. I hope it is epic and after he wins he bangs his wife and her twin sister on the 18th green.

Larry Johnson won't make a difference. Shanahan turned nobodies with no miles on them into Pro Bowlers, not washed up woman beaters. I would rather start some 4th round draft pick.

I was really hoping that Sampras was going to send that serve down Agassi's throat.

I actually think that the Browns are doing good things this offseason. I know, it sounds crazy, but I really do. Delhomme sucks, but he is still an upgrade. The Browns should have Seneca Wallace and Cribbs in the backfield 50% of the plays.

Womens hoops has been getting some serious play here the last couple fucking dyke.

GMoney said...

When have we talked about broad hoops?

Ace said...

Wasn't there a mention of that Baylor bitch throwing down?

Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention of your triumphant return to NW Ohio, to lay claim as the greatest poker player alive, and winning the 7th Annual Eagle Invitational!!!

I find it ironic that Woods is making his return at a course that doesn't allow women....

LJ will have 1,100 yards and 9 TD' heard it here 1st...


GMoney said...

God dammit, Lester, you just ruined my Friday mail-in post. Fuck it, I'm doing it anyway.

That's right, I did mention that punch but only because it was awesome.

Again, peckerheads, please get into our bracket challenge-dealie. The details are at the bottom of Monday's post.

Ace said...

REX FUCKING GROSSMAN!!! Well played Shanahan.

Anonymous said...

Grossman!!! hahaha, back that one up asshole!!


GMoney said...

Amazing. And Joey Porter is coming in for an interview, too.

The Sex Cannon is coming to DC, baby!!!

Anonymous said...

Sorry G$--I wasn't thinking that was going to be the mail-in post on Friday, with it being the 2nd day of round one of the

--Just curious.....will the 30 for 30 series get any mention in here, especially since this past one was about when the NBA was watchable....???


GMoney said...

The Skins were either going to sign Sexy Rexy or Chris Simms...ouch. I think that Colt Brennan just killed himself.

Tony B. said...

If it's good enough for R. Kelly, it should be good enough for Big Ben. His mind's telling him no, but his body- his body is telling him yes!

Big Ben's still an idiot even if he gets out of this jam.

Anonymous said...

Relating to Big Ben and Piss

On Dut's 21st he was crawling around the bathroom floor, under the urinals and shitters trying to go to sleep at Uptown/Downtown in B.G. Now that is f'ing disgusting.


Anonymous said...

Lange, that's where Dut pulls his tricks.

GMoney said...

That is so fucking gross. Dut, you should seriously consider suicide. How do you live with yourself?

Anonymous said...

Lange- that's the first I've heard of that.. I thought all I did was break shit in the bathroom and get tossed out of every bar I went to... Along with dance and ruin a pool game by scattering all the balls as I walked out.


Anonymous said...

I just read that Tim Tebow has been invited to NYC by the NFL for the draft. Also, I read he changed his throwing motion and had both Eric Mangini and Mike Holmgren at his pro day. This could get interesting.

-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

LS, that was the most worthless comment ever.

G$, if I come over tomorrow can I poop with the door open so I don't miss any of the games?

GMoney said...

Absolutely not. That is where I am sitting for the entire 5 hours of the early games.