Monday, March 22, 2010
Listen up, fuckers. All of us--ALL OF US--are getting are shit packed by my wife in the bracket challenge. This is unacceptable. She has watched maybe three games all season and she still has her Final Four intact while most of our brackets have been reduced to cosmic toilet paper. I know one thing, my bracket should have been left in the dumpster behind the prom. Holy shit, when you have time, look at my expert picks. Even Matt Millen is laughing at me.
The only person who probably did worse than me is Seth Davis from CBS and SI.com. Yeah, asshole, I trusted you when you told me to pick Siena and UTEP and Richmond to beat Villanova. Why are you offering advice on camera at all when you are currently batting .000 when it comes to your upset calls? Because of this, I do not feel bad that I am getting sent his new book for free. Sure, it is one of the few perks of running a very poor blog, but I will take it as a peace offering from Seth. I was also told (by the publishing company that is forwarding me a copy) that I could interview him if I would like. Well, I would not like. All I want is his address so that I can FedEx him my diarrhea sprinkled with anthrax, brocolli, and polio. I used to really enjoy Seth's work but now he is dead to me unless he comes out and publicly apologizes while admitting that he knows nothing about college basketball. These are my terms.
I don't know about you all, but I am officially basketball-ed out. I'm done. I've seen too much. Nothing stands out anymore. It is just one big blur. What finally did me in was watching the Georgia Tech backcourt completely ignore their superior frontline and continually hoist up bricked three after bricked three. That was embarrassing. Glen Rice Jr. should have to change his name to Jimmy King Jr. He has not earned the right to have that name. He should have to go by the name of a much crappier Michigan Wolverine. Anyway, I couldn't even finish that game yesterday. It was too maddening. I went out and fertilized the yard instead (Scotts Turf Builder, motherfucka!!!). I don't regret it. Having the best lawn ever is way more important than watching Evan Turner act like he's never committed a foul in his life. This superstar-ish attitude that he is carrying on with over the past couple weeks is starting to become very irritating.
Let's talk about Kansas for a moment. How embarrassing that was. I was fooled. I bought into the hype. Hell, most of you did, too. And don't lie to me, Ohio State fan. You may have picked the Buckeyes to beat the Jayhawks, but you didn't actually think it was going to happen. You can lie to yourself, but I will not let you lie to me. Back to the upset though, that was just a great game. Northern Iowa played with fucking elephant balls. Regardless of whether you think that that terrorist kid shooting a three was stupid (it was), it was still cool to see. But I was rooting for Kansas regardless. Not because of my bracket because it was already llama taint, but because Kansas has a much better shot at kicking the shit out of Ohio State than Northern Iowa does. Damn you, Jayhawks!
But we all should have seen this one coming a mile away. Bill Self may have won a title two years ago, but this is what he does. It was killing me watching him sweat on the bench and constantly have a stupid look on his face. He didn't know what to do. He had no answer. THIS WAS CLASSIC BILL SELF. He chokes all the fucking time. Not one of those Northern Iowa kids would have cracked the rotation at Kansas. Not one. And Self couldn't get his players to perform. They got beat to every loose ball, they missed free throws down the stretch, and their point guard was a nervous horseshit mess. And that all comes back to the coach not being able to keep his kids relaxed. Bill Self sucks. He sucks a lot. Back in the late 90's, I picked Stanford to win it all three years in a row. They never came close. I refused to learn from my stupidity. I'm done with that. Now I have learned. I will never pick a Bill Self-coached team to make it to the Final Four ever again.
Other notes from the weekend:
*Nice poker tournament run by LWM on Saturday. I finished 23rd out of 65. I just couldn't get anything going. The best hand that I had in the four hours that I was playing was a pair of fours. I made it about as long as I could.
*Michigan State is pissing me off. They should have lost on Friday but the refs bailed them out. And then some shithead hits a prayer three that he would miss 8 times out of ten to prevent their epic choke to an entertaining Maryland team. Tom Izzo should be shot. He seems like a nice guy and all but I want blood, dammit. His team is boring as fuck.
*Fuck you, OU. My jinx worked to perfection.
*How dare Kansas State take out my boy, Jimmer! Wouldn't it be fun to punch Frank Martin in the face? I think it would be fun...and necessary.
*Ummm, yeah, no one is going to beat Kentucky. Unless you count an NCAA investigative committee. Because they will in three years.
*Everything that I said about Bill Self can also be said about Rick Barnes at Texas.
*Get ready for a lot of stupid jokes about how happy the Nard Dog must be for Cornell. HURR HURR HURR! Andy from The Office is a douche. He is terrible. Just like people who enjoy this show still.
*Why didn't Seth Davis tell me that that big fuck from St. Mary's was an unstoppable force? That seems like info that the public should know. And Villanova blows.
In conclusion, I got some new glasses this week. They look like something that Cavs coach Mike Brown would wear so you KNOW that they are cool. But those specs are the closest I am going to get to watching basketball until Thursday. I've had my fill. I need an extended break. I should go put an envelope stuffed with cash in Evan Turner's mailbox and sign it "Dick Tressel". That might make me feel better.