Monday, March 22, 2010

I Need Help Beating My Wife

Listen up, fuckers. All of us--ALL OF US--are getting are shit packed by my wife in the bracket challenge. This is unacceptable. She has watched maybe three games all season and she still has her Final Four intact while most of our brackets have been reduced to cosmic toilet paper. I know one thing, my bracket should have been left in the dumpster behind the prom. Holy shit, when you have time, look at my expert picks. Even Matt Millen is laughing at me.

The only person who probably did worse than me is Seth Davis from CBS and Yeah, asshole, I trusted you when you told me to pick Siena and UTEP and Richmond to beat Villanova. Why are you offering advice on camera at all when you are currently batting .000 when it comes to your upset calls? Because of this, I do not feel bad that I am getting sent his new book for free. Sure, it is one of the few perks of running a very poor blog, but I will take it as a peace offering from Seth. I was also told (by the publishing company that is forwarding me a copy) that I could interview him if I would like. Well, I would not like. All I want is his address so that I can FedEx him my diarrhea sprinkled with anthrax, brocolli, and polio. I used to really enjoy Seth's work but now he is dead to me unless he comes out and publicly apologizes while admitting that he knows nothing about college basketball. These are my terms.

I don't know about you all, but I am officially basketball-ed out. I'm done. I've seen too much. Nothing stands out anymore. It is just one big blur. What finally did me in was watching the Georgia Tech backcourt completely ignore their superior frontline and continually hoist up bricked three after bricked three. That was embarrassing. Glen Rice Jr. should have to change his name to Jimmy King Jr. He has not earned the right to have that name. He should have to go by the name of a much crappier Michigan Wolverine. Anyway, I couldn't even finish that game yesterday. It was too maddening. I went out and fertilized the yard instead (Scotts Turf Builder, motherfucka!!!). I don't regret it. Having the best lawn ever is way more important than watching Evan Turner act like he's never committed a foul in his life. This superstar-ish attitude that he is carrying on with over the past couple weeks is starting to become very irritating.

Let's talk about Kansas for a moment. How embarrassing that was. I was fooled. I bought into the hype. Hell, most of you did, too. And don't lie to me, Ohio State fan. You may have picked the Buckeyes to beat the Jayhawks, but you didn't actually think it was going to happen. You can lie to yourself, but I will not let you lie to me. Back to the upset though, that was just a great game. Northern Iowa played with fucking elephant balls. Regardless of whether you think that that terrorist kid shooting a three was stupid (it was), it was still cool to see. But I was rooting for Kansas regardless. Not because of my bracket because it was already llama taint, but because Kansas has a much better shot at kicking the shit out of Ohio State than Northern Iowa does. Damn you, Jayhawks!

But we all should have seen this one coming a mile away. Bill Self may have won a title two years ago, but this is what he does. It was killing me watching him sweat on the bench and constantly have a stupid look on his face. He didn't know what to do. He had no answer. THIS WAS CLASSIC BILL SELF. He chokes all the fucking time. Not one of those Northern Iowa kids would have cracked the rotation at Kansas. Not one. And Self couldn't get his players to perform. They got beat to every loose ball, they missed free throws down the stretch, and their point guard was a nervous horseshit mess. And that all comes back to the coach not being able to keep his kids relaxed. Bill Self sucks. He sucks a lot. Back in the late 90's, I picked Stanford to win it all three years in a row. They never came close. I refused to learn from my stupidity. I'm done with that. Now I have learned. I will never pick a Bill Self-coached team to make it to the Final Four ever again.

Other notes from the weekend:
*Nice poker tournament run by LWM on Saturday. I finished 23rd out of 65. I just couldn't get anything going. The best hand that I had in the four hours that I was playing was a pair of fours. I made it about as long as I could.
*Michigan State is pissing me off. They should have lost on Friday but the refs bailed them out. And then some shithead hits a prayer three that he would miss 8 times out of ten to prevent their epic choke to an entertaining Maryland team. Tom Izzo should be shot. He seems like a nice guy and all but I want blood, dammit. His team is boring as fuck.
*Fuck you, OU. My jinx worked to perfection.
*How dare Kansas State take out my boy, Jimmer! Wouldn't it be fun to punch Frank Martin in the face? I think it would be fun...and necessary.
*Ummm, yeah, no one is going to beat Kentucky. Unless you count an NCAA investigative committee. Because they will in three years.
*Everything that I said about Bill Self can also be said about Rick Barnes at Texas.
*Get ready for a lot of stupid jokes about how happy the Nard Dog must be for Cornell. HURR HURR HURR! Andy from The Office is a douche. He is terrible. Just like people who enjoy this show still.
*Why didn't Seth Davis tell me that that big fuck from St. Mary's was an unstoppable force? That seems like info that the public should know. And Villanova blows.

In conclusion, I got some new glasses this week. They look like something that Cavs coach Mike Brown would wear so you KNOW that they are cool. But those specs are the closest I am going to get to watching basketball until Thursday. I've had my fill. I need an extended break. I should go put an envelope stuffed with cash in Evan Turner's mailbox and sign it "Dick Tressel". That might make me feel better.


Grumpy said...

Best tournament in years. Kentucky will win, and as predicted by you, will have to give it back in a few years.

Anonymous said...

I watched about a zillion hours of college basketball the last four days and pretty much put the final dagger into any thought that I will have a working liver at the age of 40...but it was worth it.

This really couldn't have gone any better for the Buckeyes. I think Tennessee will be tougher than either MSU or Northern Iowa in the regional final. MSU's team is in shambles injury wise and Northern Iowa is fucking Northern Iowa.

Diebler just hit another three....


Anonymous said...

Gotta agree with Drew, OSU is almost a Final Four team by default now.

Kentucky's toughest matchup of the entire tourny will come against West Virginia. (assuming they get past Cornell)

What a joke of a bracket Duke is in. Could they have an easier road to the final four?? And they are the 4th ranked 1 seed. The committee may be up their ass further than Dick Vitale.


Ace said...

Grump, great call on Siena to the sweet sixteen...which I believe was the only prediction you made.

Tenn. is a tough draw for the fuckeyes. They are really long and are the best defensive team left in the tournament.

Ali "the nation of domination" Farooooookmesh is a fucking baller. That kid has some fucking onions. ONIONS!

I didn't think cuse would look this good.

I hope Beilein starts recruiting only Aussie's like St. Marys.

GMoney said...

Duke's draw isn't THAT easy. Playing Baylor in Houston is going to be tough.

Ohio State will blow it. I have faith in them to come through for me.

I don't know who has a worse bracket than me (either Jeff or Drew), but whoever it is should just stop watching sports.

I had a professor in college who said that when a team is described as "really long", it meant "really black". Mr. Ace likes black guys.

Anonymous said...

Don't get me wrong Evan Turner is one of the best in college basketball this year, but he looked like a pussy out there. Every time he had the ball he looked nonchalant with it as though no one could stop him and then when he was stopped he flopped around like a European basketball player. Yeah his stat line was good and OSU won but man up E.T. and stop being a little twat.

I hate to say it but Diebler is lights out and the only way OSU will lose is when that kid realizes who he is.

Good to see you at Club Ricks on Saturday G$.


Anonymous said...

Oh and does it piss anyone off that Diebler holds 3 fingers up all the way down the court after he make a triple? What a douche.


Ace said...

If I thought really long meant really black them I would have said Kentucky is the longest team in NCAA history and Cornell is the shortest.

GMoney said...

There it is, folks, Lange is better than all of you. I HATE the three fingers shit.

Anonymous said...

Thanks alot G$ for making the trek to Fayette on Saturday. I am sure the Pittsburgh Steelers truck, across the street from the Legion, made it more than worth your while, to make the trip, just for that!!!

Thanks also to Damman and Glick for riding's always nice to see "The Napoleon Maffia" make the rounds even in Fulton

Have you had a chance to melt that Paul Pierce figure yet??

It's amazing that Cousins hasn't been arrested yet..when the GA Tech kid was playing "rough and dirty" against him, I figured he would just freaking snap, kill him, leave him for dead....then look to the crowd, and give the "call me" gesture, for good measure.....

If Tennessee can get by OSU, I think they have a solid shot at getting to the Championship Game..


Tony B. said...

Awesome post G$! The Seth Davis stuff had me rolling.

I broke my "no Kansas" rule much to my dismay.

Bouldin played like a pussy yesterday. The Zags have no chance to beat Syracuse if Bouldin only throws chest passes instead of scoring.

Jeff said...

Yes, I must say that I have the worst bracket. Listening to Seth Davis will never happen again

GMoney said...

Evan Turner is too good to be pulling the diva shit that he has done since the end of the regular season.

Anonymous said...

Now that almost everyone's bracket is fucked and we have seen the teams play a few games, what is everyone's final four and champion picks?

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Mine is Baylor, Kentucky, Cuse, Ohio State...with Kentucky winning.

-Lil' Strut

SSReporters said...

My bracket was assaulted Roethlisberger style.

Seth Davis is a twit. Marquette/New Mexico will be a great 2nd round matchup, right? Never happened.

My West region is still perfect but Kansas blew it. Ohio State will lose this week. I've got them losing to the Vols.

Duck Fuke.