Friday, February 19, 2010

Tiger's Gonna Talk About Nothing!


While I'm still in shock by the amazing Jamison trade for the Cavs, there is actually other shit going on in the world. Most of it is unimportant, but this nugget seems to have some legs. Tiger Woods is going to speak to the media today. Notice that I didn't say press conference. He isn't taking any questions from the media which is weak sauce, but still, it will be interesting to hear what he says.

Probably a good idea for him not to take questions. I know that if I was there, I would be going after every little filthy detail that I could get. "Uh yes, Tiger, G$ here from a blog. Rumors are swirling that you gave out payoffs to your mistresses to maintain their silence. Were these all done in cash or just in pearl necklaces?" And then I would have a driver shoved down my esophagus. But it would be the crowning achievement of my life (which says very little about my life).

Look, this is how it's going to go:
He is going to read straight off a piece of paper. He is going to apologize to his family for embarrassing them. He will not admit to anything specifically. He will say that he is trying to repair the damage that he's done. He will ask that his privacy be respected. He will say that golf is not the most important thing to him right now. And he will then ask for forgiveness. That's it. I guaran-damn-tee that he takes the Jason Giambi approach here. Tiger will be as vague as possible, answer no questions or speculation, and then be foolish enough to think that that is good enough. It is stupid. You have to give the media something or it will never end. Which is why he should hire me to be his publicist.

This is how it would go if I was writing Tiger's speech to the media:
"Listen up, fuckos. None of you have any fucking clue what it's like to be as rich as me. Pussy just throws itself at you. Shit, all of those cunts that came forward represent about 10% of all the shit that I was pulling down before I was forced to go to sex rehab. I'm not addicted to sex at all, by the way. I just like to get my knob wet. I have apologized to my family constantly for my indiscretions. You know, I probably should have just stayed single as this shit is going to cost me a fortune. But I will persevere. And I will continue to crush strange. Because I'm Tiger fucking Woods and I can do whatever the fuck I want. Hell, right now, my attorney is drawing up a contract for every broad I intend to fuck in the future. Oh, I'll violate every hole in her body, but if she gon' talk to the press, I am legally obligated to kill her. It's the law. So again, nothing is going to change in my life except now people know what I've always been: the best golfer ever with an insatiable lust for high class BJ's.

"People be asking why I chose today while the Accenture WGC is going on. Not that it's any of your business, but Accenture doesn't pay T-Wo anymore so T-Wo gonna stick it to those fucks. Who drops Tiger Woods? They will regret that. And fuck you to Ernie Els' fat ass for saying that this interview was selfish. Hey, dicksquirt, if it weren't for me, you wouldn't have a beach house. You are barely relevant anymore. Why don't you just sit back, listen to what I need to say, and realize that you wouldn't have shit without me. Eat shit, Ern. Speaking of golf, I'll see all of you fucks in Augusta and I'm going to win that shit by 8 strokes. Don't worry, they already have my jacket size anyway."

I really need to open my own PR firm.

31 comments:

GMoney said...

Yeah, I just slipped and fell down in the parking lot at my office. I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now.

Grumpy said...

I hope somebody caught your fall and puts it up on YouTube.

Anonymous said...

Two words: workers' compensation :)

Mr. Ace said...

You fucking tard. Did you get back in your car and go home? That should have been your move.

I am slightly looking forward to the press conferenceish thing today. I don't think he is stupid enough to just read off a sheet of paper, but the guy is an egomaniac so he might just rip up the paper and tell everybody to fuck off.

Anonymous said...

I would love to see that video. Are there security cameras in the parking lot? Did you fall in a puddle of mud?

I agree with your PR moves. Tiger should just take on the roll of a villain. Personally I am a bigger Tiger fan after all this. He is living every mans dream (behind John Daly of course)

Dut

J Beanie said...

Always funny to see fat people fall. So sad I missed it.

But for Tiger, I have been saying what you just wrote all along. Why not just accept being the vilian? It makes perfect sense and he can finally act in public the way he really wants to. We all know he isn't the sweet family man he pretends to be so let it go Tiger. Be the bad guy. Wear black every day on the course. Talk shit because you can. Yell at the fans who talk in your back swing. Throw clubs. Punch your dick head caddie for giving you wrong yardage. Take a ball a kid is trying to get you to sign, put in your packet and hit it off the tee right into the water and then tell the kid you put it in the drink on purpose because you hate little kids but you are going to bang his mom. I think people would like this Tiger alot more. G$, i want to be on your PR firm. Thanks.

Mr. Ace said...

Billion dollars of endorsements don't go to bad guys, especially public bad guys. That's why he has to act like a choir boy.

Also, your Tiger is much blacker than the regular Tiger. I don't believe the real tiger speaks ebonics.

MuDawgfan said...

Why Tiger ever got married is beyond belief. If I were him, I'd try to run through every female pornstar on payroll by Bang Bros. in a calendar year.

Starting with Sara Jay, Alexis Texas and Brandi Taylor

GMoney said...

Without even looking them up, I know that Dawg likes a little meat on the bone.

I fell into like the perfect push-up position which doubled as the first time I've ever completed a push-up. I actually thought about making a big deal of it.

Beanie wants Tiger to be Shooter McGavin. That would be amazing.

That's the thing. My PR firm would encourage Tiger to BE blacker. You don't need Accenture if FUBU got your back!

Anonymous said...

This "presser" will be as interesting as a Jim Tressel presser...so yeah...boring as fuck and you won't learn shit. I'd be fucking pissed if I was a soccer mom at home and this came on instead of The Price Is Right.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Is FUBU still around? I haven't seen any 05 jerseys since moving to Cbus.

I will take your pornstar bait Mudawg... Sara Jay is a nasty little troll. Tiger could definitely do better than that. Hell, he already has. I would probably start my slaying with Bree Olson.

Oh shit, Tiger is talking.

Mr. Ace said...

Wow, Tiger Woods really just dropped Buddhism on everybody. That's fucking hilarious.

MuDawgfan said...

Nasty Little troll? I mean I understand she could use a nosejob but I wouldn't be focusing on the nose - na'mean?

After I ripped through the Bang Bros. girls - I'd go immediately through the talent on SABADO GIGANTE

Tony B. said...

The Buddhism line was easily the best part of the press conference.

And him taunting the media to not go after his family. Guess who just got more motivated to go after your family, Tiger?

SSReporters said...

Buddhism? Tiger's going to try fat people this time? Or was that part of his sex rehab?

Jeff said...

Oh what a pussy, he got teary eyed. How fake is that shit? Everyone knows he has no feelings. He's a fucking robot who practices golf and plays golf. When he realized that women had the 19th and 20th holes in their pants he just decided to add a couple more birdies to his round every once in awhile. Reporters that know him have said he's pretty much just a nerd that practices all the time and probably couldn't even get girls until he became famous. So more power to him for using what he's got, but don't be a pussy and cry!

Anonymous said...

I listened to the conference. Some seemed very rehearsed, other parts seemed sincere.

Regarding which pornstars I would bang. I would probably hit it with a little Shyla Stylez action.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

The 20th Hole sounds like a bar that Dut would open in the Short North.

Anonymous said...

Ace...Bree Olsen was in Columbus last weekend, so you missed your chance.

Tori Black is my current numero uno porn star.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew, I totally agree with the Tori Black call out. Also Ashlynn Brooke.

Fuck this Tiger shit, someone needs to give the Cavs some credit for actually making last nights game close when then missed 17 free throws! FUCKING TERRIBLE!!!

Seal

Anonymous said...

Regarding which pornstars I would bang. I would probably hit it with a little Shyla Stylez action.

-Lil' Strut

I agree here....Shyla, or Nikki Benz....Brazzers is the way to go, IMO!!

G$--falling down in the parking lot.......did you do the old, look around real quick to see if anybody saw you fall down??

--LWM

GMoney said...

Pornstars, bad balance, and Tiger Woods...what a great day.

Also, if you look hard enough, there is this video of Catalina Cruz wearing a Browns jersey getting slammed by a dude in a Steelers jersey. The Browns jersey? William Green. It is hilarious.

Anonymous said...

You guys sure like the big fake titty porn stars.

Give me a Tori Black, Jenna Haze, Amy Reid or Ginger Lee instead of your Shyla Stylez and Nikki Benz's of the world. And if I'm looking for something really dirty I'll take my filthy talking favorite Euro Sandra Romain.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, they're porn stars...they aren't even real people, of course we don't want real tits.

But I'm with you, Amy Reid gets my #1 vote.

G$, can I dedicate an entire post on Tuesday to porn stars and fapping?

Anonymous said...

Ace...please make that post. The comments today have already shown that the comments based on a whole porn post would be gold.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Sure, why not? You can do a BCAce for pornstars.

Anonymous said...

Ace & G$,

AGREED. Why has it taken this long to have a post about pornstars? It is clear that someone has been asleep at the wheel.

-Lil' Strut

MUDawgfan said...

I've already taken a day off to day drink and shoot guns - might as well take Tuesday off for pornstar chatter.

I know all you fuckers use up your free previews on Brazzers, Milfhunter and Bang Bros. We'll see exactly how far this goes

Anonymous said...

Lisa Ann is number 1 baby!. She is the best. Love Nikkie Benz as well. Alexis Texas, Jayden James, Jenna Hendrix. just to name a few others.. You name them I've probably seen them

irishman

GMoney said...

We might top 50 comments on Tuesday. Traci Lords is a total cunt!

Mr. Ace said...

This is going to be tough, but I'm going to do as much research as possible to bring you the best post. I will callused for months. Time to bust out the Jergens.