Tiger's Gonna Talk About Nothing!

While I'm still in shock by the amazing Jamison trade for the Cavs, there is actually other shit going on in the world. Most of it is unimportant, but this nugget seems to have some legs. Tiger Woods is going to speak to the media today. Notice that I didn't say press conference. He isn't taking any questions from the media which is weak sauce, but still, it will be interesting to hear what he says.

Probably a good idea for him not to take questions. I know that if I was there, I would be going after every little filthy detail that I could get. "Uh yes, Tiger, G$ here from a blog. Rumors are swirling that you gave out payoffs to your mistresses to maintain their silence. Were these all done in cash or just in pearl necklaces?" And then I would have a driver shoved down my esophagus. But it would be the crowning achievement of my life (which says very little about my life).

Look, this is how it's going to go:
He is going to read straight off a piece of paper. He is going to apologize to his family for embarrassing them. He will not admit to anything specifically. He will say that he is trying to repair the damage that he's done. He will ask that his privacy be respected. He will say that golf is not the most important thing to him right now. And he will then ask for forgiveness. That's it. I guaran-damn-tee that he takes the Jason Giambi approach here. Tiger will be as vague as possible, answer no questions or speculation, and then be foolish enough to think that that is good enough. It is stupid. You have to give the media something or it will never end. Which is why he should hire me to be his publicist.

This is how it would go if I was writing Tiger's speech to the media:
"Listen up, fuckos. None of you have any fucking clue what it's like to be as rich as me. Pussy just throws itself at you. Shit, all of those cunts that came forward represent about 10% of all the shit that I was pulling down before I was forced to go to sex rehab. I'm not addicted to sex at all, by the way. I just like to get my knob wet. I have apologized to my family constantly for my indiscretions. You know, I probably should have just stayed single as this shit is going to cost me a fortune. But I will persevere. And I will continue to crush strange. Because I'm Tiger fucking Woods and I can do whatever the fuck I want. Hell, right now, my attorney is drawing up a contract for every broad I intend to fuck in the future. Oh, I'll violate every hole in her body, but if she gon' talk to the press, I am legally obligated to kill her. It's the law. So again, nothing is going to change in my life except now people know what I've always been: the best golfer ever with an insatiable lust for high class BJ's.

"People be asking why I chose today while the Accenture WGC is going on. Not that it's any of your business, but Accenture doesn't pay T-Wo anymore so T-Wo gonna stick it to those fucks. Who drops Tiger Woods? They will regret that. And fuck you to Ernie Els' fat ass for saying that this interview was selfish. Hey, dicksquirt, if it weren't for me, you wouldn't have a beach house. You are barely relevant anymore. Why don't you just sit back, listen to what I need to say, and realize that you wouldn't have shit without me. Eat shit, Ern. Speaking of golf, I'll see all of you fucks in Augusta and I'm going to win that shit by 8 strokes. Don't worry, they already have my jacket size anyway."

I really need to open my own PR firm.