So yesterday I was browsing the internet trying to figure out what the hell I was going to write about for today. I almost did an interview with a dead luger's corpse, but I'm too good of a human. I could talk about the All Star game...but I didn't watch it, not that that would ever stop me, but I figure the last thing anybody wants to hear about is George Hill and Greg Oden sword fighting at an after party. We could talk about college hoops, but I could literally name 10 players and that's it. After Michigan showed how terrible they were going to be this year I had to distance myself from the sport. I could talk about the NFL all day, but...I don't know, I just don't feel like it even though I'm sure you would love to know my opinion about the Collective Bargaining Agreement. There isn't shit going on in the sports world right now!
So I get a text from Dustin telling me about this site called Chatroulette. Here is the exact conversation:
Dut: Do yourself a favor and go to chatroulette.com
Me: I just got a new virus software. I don't know if it can handle porn yet.
Dut: It's not porn...well sometimes it is.
(That last little part had me intrigued so I had to check it out.)
Me: What the fuck is this?
Dut: Do you have a web cam?
Me: No, I don't like to fellate young boys.
(And then it happens.)
Me: You ass hole. I just saw some queer jerking it on his webcam.
Dut: Yeah, that's a problem with this site. There's too much of that.
Me: You fucking think?
Dut: But some of the shit is hilarious.
Me: How is watching random people staring at their computers hilarious?
Dut: You'll see. How long did you stay on?
Me: Two minutes, that shit is creepy.
Dut: Yeah, something about that seems wrong. It's amazing how many gross fags whack off on that.
And that was the end of that conversation. Whatever you do, don't go to that site. That had absolutely nothing to do with online poker. Deal with it.
So I check my email after rinsing my eyes with bleach and what do I see, a reload bonus offer from my Poker site. I hadn't seriously played poker for about 4 months. But I do nothing all day so I figured "Hey, what the fuck" let's jump back in.
Now, I fancy myself to be a pretty good poker player when I find my groove and actually give a shit. I think I always suck on poker night because I would rather get boozed and tell dick jokes or talk about the Jersey Shore than concentrate on whether or not I should raise pre flop for the sixth consecutive hand. I definitely prefer to play live rather than online, mostly because it makes it socially acceptable for me to awkwardly stare at someone until they make a decision. Online is good enough, but there are just so many things I hate about it.
1. Foreigners. I know. People all across the world play poker, but I just hate losing a hand to Borat in Kazakhstan. Even worse is when two people chat in a language that just looks like they threw up all over the keyboard. It's like that scene in Rounders when Worm is at the table against the two Russians, "If you want to see the seventh card you are going to stop speaking fucking sputnik." Communist bastards, how the hell do they even deposit a Tenge?
2. Donkey. When did this word become popular in poker circles? I love when people call me a donkey because it always means that I just stole a hand from them, but the shit gets old. Just because you are a 56% percent favorite pre-flop doesn't mean you are going to win the hand. And when you lose, don't call the other guy a fucking donkey. Call him a stupid fucking piece of shit. Call him a cunt. But don't call him a fucking donkey. Grow up, Peter Pan.
3. Just Chips. When I play online I throw around cash like they really are just play icons on my computer screen. But they're not, they directly affect my bank account or lack thereof. Last summer I was staying at my parents place one night and was playing poker online. The blinds are $2/4$ and I've got almost $600 bones at the table(I was in my groove). My mom comes in the room and asks what I'm doing. I tell her I'm about to win $300 because some clown just pushed and I've got trips. Dude has a gut shot straight draw and a flush draw with one card to come...and of course, here comes his fucking straight. My stack goes from $600+ to $250 in one second. My mom asks what happened, I tell her I just got raped. When playing live, I have never sat at a table and started with more than $200, and I usually start with $100. Online I push stacks like it's going out of fucking style and then I exit the game and wonder what the fuck I am doing. Cash out ass hole and go back to the $10 sit n go.
4. Pot Odds. If somebody makes an asinine call at our poker night and sucks out, we can belittle them enough to make them wish they had never called and were never born. Online, you tell the clown that he is a fuck and all they say back is "Pot odds dude." Pot odds my dick. You don't know what pot odds are fucktard, you don't even know how many cards in the fucking deck. And then after I continue to berate them, I eventually realize everybody at the table has disabled my chat and all my glorious vitriol can only be seen by me. Tampon Dickshit!
5. Bad Beats. Bad beats suck so much more online. If you are sitting at an actual table and somebody goes runner-runner on you, you at least get the sympathy of the other players around you. Online, you are sitting their holding your dick all by yourself. Nobody feels your pain. Nobody tells you that you made the right move. You get kicked off the table and wonder why the poker gods decide to shit all over you. And no, there are not more bad beats online. Yes, if you play live for an hour compared to online, you are likely to see more bad beats online. But that is because more hands are played per minute, not because the poker site is corrupt and loves to reward fucktards. Take your lumps like a champ...pour yourself a shot and make your way over to Assparade.
So while you are all hard at work today, know that I'm sitting at home playing poker making more money than you(probably losing more than you make). Or I lost it all and am drowning my sorrows at Assparade...and you can go to Chatroulette if you want to see my show.