(What has two thumbs and is guaranteed to swing and miss at this pitch? THIS GUY!)
You know, for as much bitching as I do about Colin Cowherd, I still end up listening to 15-20 minutes of his show every day during my lunch break. I really don't understand why. It's like those guys who beat off while hanging themselves. Sure, it could kill them, but it feels sooooo good. Did that make sense? Probably not. Anyway, I hate him and every time that he makes a few decent arguments, he ends up ruining them with a truly retarded statement or six. Take yesterday for example. He actually said that Marcus Allen was the most talented player in NFL history. I have never, ever, ever heard anyone make a claim so outrageous. If he was so great, then why was there only one play for him in Tecmo Bowl? Huh? Huh? ANSWER ME!
But last week, he went on a tangent so stupid that I actually cut my lunch hour short and went back up to my office early. Now, I know that I've covered the "LeBron free agency" story to death here and you all know my position. I understand that you are probably getting sick of reading about it (and I don't blame you). Set all of your hate toward me aside for a minute and focus on just how little this Pete Carroll Fluffer knows about sports.
After the Cavs dispatched with the Lakers again, the next day he began ranting about potential landing spots for Our King. While Bill Simmons believes that LeBron ends up in either a Bulls or Clippers uniform (likelihood of that being 5%), Cowherd took it to a whole new level. You see, Colin believes that every athlete thinks like him. And because of that, every one of them wants to play in either good weather or a state with little to no taxes. This, of course, is stupid considering how many great athletes sign with the Yankees and Red Sox.
Cowherd believes that LeBron James will be lacing it up in either Orlando or for the Lakers next season.
In theory, both of these scenarios would be amazing for basketball. Pairing Bron with Kobe or Bron with Howard would make for one hell of a dynasty. But in reality, this is more retarded than Simple Jack. Colin went on for three segments of his show about how this makes sense. It took me 3 minutes to find proof that this would never happen in a million years. Let me explain why in a few easy to follow steps:
1. LeBron is going to want at least 20 mill per year. For the sake of the argument, let's say just 20.
2. The NBA salary cap next year will be between 50 and 54 million.
3. Once you break through into the luxury tax (somewhere around 65-70 million), teams must pay $2 for every $1 that they spend. I said this two weeks ago, but there are only about 5 teams that can afford LeBron.
4. Orlando's 2010-11 team already has 78 million committed.
5. LA already has 76 million committed (assuming that they do not pick up White Trash Morrison's option). They are both firmly in the luxury tax zone.
6. If either of these teams signed LeBron, it would cost them 40+ million per season.
7. 40 fucking million for one player.
8. No athlete is worth that much. Even one as great as LeBron.
9. Colin Cowherd is a fucking moron.
10. Beano, what did you have for lunch today?
Does this man even do research for his own show? How is he popular again? I expect this type of tardery from a moron like Erik Kuselias, not the #2 radio man for ESPN. This is the sort of shit that happens when he stops brown-nosing football players and writers for five minutes. I needed to get that off my chest. If you have a favorite "Cowherd knows nothing" story, please, by all means, share it with the group.
A quick couple of bullet points on the Cavs:
*Dude, Shaq is starting to look really fucking good.
*The Cavs have been running out lineups of Shaq, Z, Bron, Moon, and Hot Wad Williams recently. All of those guys are 6'9" or taller. Biggest lineup ever?
*Mike Brown gets very little credit, but he has done a really good job this season. There, I admitted it.
*If the Cavs trade for Troy Murphy, I will set The Q on fire.
*Even without Mo and Delonte, the Cavs are still the best team in the league.
*Can't wait for the game tonight where Wheelchair Wade will have calls made in his favor during timeouts, at halftime, and even after the game is over. I hate him as much as I hate Cowherd.
Like you weren't going to anyway, but make sure you check back tomorrow for the Super Bowl prediction post. I've got my own predicting system that has been fairly accurate in year's past. And as a bonus, MASSIVE SITE NEWS REGARDING THE SUPER BOWL!!! Great tease. Lofty tease.