Thursday, February 25, 2010

If Whitey Don't Win, We All Jump In

Wayne Park. Meyerholtz Park. Two places that, when mentioned to people from my demographic from my home town, conjure up many great memories. Wayne sat on top of a hill overlooking a river. Meyerholtz was across the highway right next to the river. They were places that hosted many post-school gatherings among high school kids. The gatherings were never much more than just bullshitting between friends before everyone headed home for the night. But it was always enjoyable nonetheless. I am told that kids don't really hang out at these parks anymore which is sad because I couldn't imagine my teenage years without them.

Now if you read that last paragraph carefully, you will notice that I said that, most of the time, visits to either park were social in nature. I implied that not every trip was friendly. And that is true. Why? Because a few times per year, these two parks hosted fights. Real fights. Not this bullshit UFC stuff or anything like that. They were pure teenage hate and angst on display in full glory. Was there anything better than a high school fight? I argue that there was not. There were not many things that I would have rather watched than a fight between two classmates back in my high school days. I like to think that most red-blooded Americans would agree with this. Fighting is/was awesome. But fights in high school had a ton of roadblocks and needed to be handled with care if they were going to reach their entertainment potential. And that is why today I am going to hop in the time machine and remember the greatness which was the high school fight at the state park.

Many things needed to fall in line in order to ensure a proper fight. Here is what they are:

1. The Rumor - When two people were at odds in school, word spread quickly. Once I found out about a potentially volatile issue, I had to confirm it. Normally, the angry parties were not amongst my inner circle of friends and thus confirmation of pissedoffedness between the two was needed.

2. The Combatants - Like I said, most of the time, I never even really knew who wanted to rumble. But when I did find out, I immediately became best friends with them. It was crucial to know all the facts around the skirmish (usually retarded stuff) and then to keep throwing gas on the fire. The Hottest Bartender in Columbus had a knack for buddying up with the fighters and making sure that they were even more pissed off at the guy they were fighting then than they were when the fight was initially agreed upon. Basically, if you wanted to fight somebody, I would definitely help you get to that place.

3. The Setting - If a fight happens and no one is around to see it, did it ever really happen? It must be advertised and, yes, it is very important to pick the right spot. After all, you don't want to miss a brawl because you were at the wrong park. This is where the outsiders had a chance to influence. Personally, I preferred Meyerholtz as a battle ground. There may have been only one way out of there, but the path was long and if the law showed up, you could shut things down before they got there. At Wayne, there were two entrances and the chances of the police breaking it up were great. And you were stuck...and fucked. You definitely did not want the fight happening on school grounds though. Those always get broken up before they get good.

4. The Build-Up - If ensuring a fight requires some lying, then it must be done. Nothing was out-of-bounds when it came to this. Make some shit up about how Fighter A wanted to fuck Fighter B's 15 year old sister and that you heard him say it. Who cares? Whatever pisses the guy off more. Hell, if you are building up Fighter B, you know damn well that someone is doing the same thing with Fighter A. The goal here is that both guys show up ready to rip the other's fucking head off. This also leads to "I got your back" discussions. This is the dumbest shit ever. How many fights have you seen where two guys are going at it, 50 people are watching, and some asshole jumps in and suckerpunches one of the fighters? It has never happened. I am sure of this. Yet it was always a concern which is why people used to have "back". I guarantee that I said this at least ten times in high school and never had any intention of getting my hands dirty. If someone wants to go rogue and jump in, who gives a fuck? Someone else will deal with him. Either way, more fighting for me to watch!!!

5. The Down Low - Once everything is in place, everyone needs to shut the fuck up. The worst thing that can happen is a damn teacher overhearing some idiot blabbing about the upcoming bloodbath and then you get to the scene and there are already cop cars there. That shit is fucking weak. That is why high school fights aren't for amateurs. Yes, everyone already knows what is going down later on today and if I wanted to hear your lip, I'd pull down your pants and smack your pussy. Keep a lid on it. Silence is golden, or in this case, bloody.

6. The Transportation - Obviously, the fighters need to get there at any cost. But more importantly, YOU need to get there. YOU need to be one of the first people there to get a prime spot for this poor excuse for pugilism. But you don't want to drive. Oh no. Let someone else do that. Because if shit goes south and the po-po shows their fat faces, you don't want your car to get it's plates ran. For fuck's sake, if you did all that you could to get the fight started, someone should have the courtesy to take you there anyway.

7. The Rumble - Ah yes. It has begun. Tonight we dine in Hell. High school fights usually go like this. Both people show up and they are at least 2,000 yards away from each other. At some point, both start the trek toward each other. When they get face-to-face, they are both so geeked for kicking some ass, that the last minute smack talk is barely spoken in English. It literally makes zero sense at all. Then a punch is thrown. The first punch is key. Land it solidly, you can jump on your opponent and beat him into submission. Miss wildly and you are off-balance and done. A high school fight normally lasted about 3 or 4 punches until a winner was clearly defined.

8. The Aftermath - Now it's time to get back with your buddies, review what just happened, and laugh at how stupid those two were. It's OK to forget that the fighters exist again...until the next time they get pissed.

Seriously, was there anything better than watching a fight? I still remember the best one I've seen involving a wiry Mexican kid and a black douche. It was promoted almost entirely by white guys. It was a glorious, multi-cultural event with the black dickhead winning. There were about 200 people there at Meyerholtz Park and everyone got their money's worth (nothing).

I hardly ever miss my high school days (unless the topic of extra point kicking comes up), but fist-fights always make me nostalgic toward the good old days when it was just fists. I'm at an age now where I worry about people having knives and guns and shit. Now I play the role of peacemaker. I'm not an instigator anymore...there are just too many assholes these days. Personally, I've never been in a fight. Sure, I've been jacked before, but neither time was I knocked down. It's because I'm fucking awesome and you aren't. In closing, I will share with you the story of the last time that I was decked.

I was a Senior walking down the halls in between class. Out of nowhere, someone from behind me just drills me in the jaw. I didn't go down. I turned around to see Bullock, kind of a half bully/half douchebag type creature.
G$: What the fuck?
Bullock: (very matter-of-factly) I just don't like you.
G$: Fair enough.

And we both went on our way. I could have went after him, but I would have been destroyed and I had more fights to promote. He totally could have stomped my face in. But we each got we wanted. He got to release his hate on me and I got to not get my ass kicked. And in the end, isn't that what life is really about?


Anonymous said...

I remeber when kenneth beat the shit out of somebody and then drove him to the hospital because all of his friends left him.

GMoney said...

Yeah, that was great. Talk about sportsmanship!

Grumpy said...

Some things are timeless and span all generations. It happened pretty much that way in the 60's. You brought your A game today.

Mr. Ace said...

Ahh, the good ol days. The alley behind my house hosted a couple non-quality fights in high school. Nate B actually kicked some guys as in my alley over what I believe was a John Deere hat. I couched Nate to victory, giving him the key strategic maneuvers for the win...I was like Freddie fucking Roach in that bitch.

I believe the best fight during my time in high school was between two guys named Marcos and Keith. It was epic, I swear it lasted a fucking hour. I didn't even get to see the end of it because I had to go to fucking work. Marcos ended up winning with a boot to the face if I remember correctly, but he rolled into school next day with both his eyes swollen almost completely shut. Great battle between those two.

I am going to pay somebody to punch you in the face just because seeing your reaction would be priceless.

Anonymous said...

I've been in one fight in my life and my record stands at an undefeated record of 1-0.

There was this real loser named Nathan Acheson. We used to make fun of him a lot in computer's class. Well, during my sophomore year in high school I was a bean pole...6'2'', 160 lbs. So, the kid thought he could beat me up and rightfully so. So, one day after school I was standing around my JV basketball team by the vending machines waiting for practice start. Acheson just comes running down the hall like the lunatic he was and demands a fight. I have zero desire to fight him, but he throws a punch that just glazes me...somehow I got him in a head lock, took him to the ground and layed a series of probably weak ass punches down on his face. I remember we got him and he kind of walked away spouting off and I realized I had won the was a great moment. I then realized that my watch was nowhere to be seen and one of the bigger guys on the basketball team was busy chasing down Acheson because he saw him pick up my watch after the fight had ended. He took care of getting the watch back.

It didn't end there though. For the next 48 hours Acheson was obsessed with beating my ass..and rightfully so as he was bigger than me and ultimately embarassed. So, Acheson wants to fight anywhere...even tried to run onto our bus before we left for a basketball game the next day. Then a couple days later he walks up to me and says, "You know I want to kick your ass. But, Fritz said if I lay a hand on you he'd kick the shit out of me. So, you're lucky". Fritz was a big dude on our basketball team..who really wasn't a friend, but obviously didn't want me and my wet jump shot getting suspended. So, I was essentially protected from ever dealing with that loser again.


GMoney said...

You wore a watch for basketball practice? What a homo! Atcheson should have killed you.

Ace, I have seen a young Nate B fight as well (vs. DeWit) and it was in Bernie's backyard. It was not pretty but it was definitely the day that I met a young Daniel Dye!

Anonymous said...

I said we were "waiting for practice to start" dipshit. We hadn't changed yet...practice started like a half hour after school ended.


Anonymous said...

Nate was somehow in the middle of a lot of fights. Adam vs Nate was a classic! I believe that was after a long day of backyard baseball and it started because Nate called Adam a pussy for not playing football.

Nate vs Fitzenrider was because Nate was wearing a John Deer hat and Fitz said that Nate didn't deserve to wear that hat. Also, somebody started a great rumor that Nate called him Fatzenrider.

And I was at a fight at meyer holtz where people started jumping in. Jeff Rhodes got beat up by about 8 different people because he was winning the fight (I think he was fighting Nate once again).


Mr. Ace said...

Dut, I thought for sure you were going to talk about yours and Nates little scrap on Dan's front porch.

Tony B. said...

The South Park episode where Craig and Tweek fight is an excellent blue print for making sure a fight goes down. "Cripple Fight" was also fantastic.

J Beanie said...

Great game between OU and Miami last night, wasn't it?

GMoney said...

Congratulations on storming the floor after beating a team who has 12 wins this year and you were favored by 5. Well done, indeed.

Anonymous said...

Wait a second...a school stormed the floor after beating Miami?


Jeff said...

Dut, how have you not been in at least 20 fights with all the shit you talk you pussy. I see you and knepley pull each others hair every once in awhile, but those just end with broken nails and nothing fun.

They stormed after that win???

GMoney said...

Why yes, OU storms the floor after every other victory. It is pathetic.

By the way, I could not have picked a more awesome title for this post.

Mr. Ace said...

Dammit, I want some fight stories. I can't believe that with all the ass holes we have commenting here there aren't any great stories coming out of this.

Somehow I have managed to never get in a mono y mono fight. I have thrown a handful of haymakers in the middle of a big fight or held somebody in the full nelson position while somebody beat the shit out of them, but never a one of one. Also never been hit in the face before...probably because I just hardcore mindfuck anybody that looks at me so they know not to step to this.

Just last year I saw somebody get knocked out cold outside Uptown/Downtown in BG with one punch. Dude was out before he hit the ground and his head slammed into the pavement. That was awesome.

Daniel said...

Dut you need to get your ass kicked more often. I'm tired of you weaseling your way through life.

MUDawgfan said...


A couple of school fight comments from the Dirty South.

1. For some reason, my HS had a lot of girl fights my junior/senior year. They weren't better or worse, but different. Lots of hair pulling. Also, they typically were instigated by somebody calling someone a ho or fat. Great humor.

2. If a fight did go down at school, it was better to have a coach break it up. I always feel like the Football/Baseball coaches would wait just a hair to see who landed the first or second punch before stepping in. They had an interest too.

3. #1 High school fight from the Class of 2000 - Tanya Markum and LaCinda Vaughn. Pure ho vs. ho goodness that featured fake nails and weaves flying. Our sophmore running back hooked up with both of them and they weren't having that.

GMoney said...

I said that I've been hit twice yet only talked about the one time. Here's the other. I was a sophomore (I think), and was playing euchre in the locker room. Hottest Bartender and I were challenged by a couple of chemically imbalanced meathead Seniors who were total "juicers". Seriously, J-WOWW would have been all over them if they were guidos.

So Rittenhouse and Cullen take us on and we beat them. I think we bet a couple of bucks on the game. Instead of paying me, Cullen suckerpunched me in the jaw. For being a roid rager, it didn't hurt at all and was more stunned that he resulted to a cheap shot over paying me a couple of bucks.

I haven't seen that asshole in over a decade now but I still hate him to this day. Who punches someone over a game of euchre!!!

Mr. Ace said...

I don't know Cullen, but I know Rittenhouse and that fucker is insane...or at least he used to be. Why the hell would you even agree to that match? You had to see there was no good coming of it.

I once saw somebody get jacked in the face by a stripper. I don't know if it counts as a fight, but it was probably the funniest thing I have ever seen.

Anonymous said...

Jeff- I have had a LOT of close calls. Especially during my college years. I had the ability to push someones buttons and then stop right before I get curb stomped. I blame it on the alcohol.

I did get punched in the head by a crazy mexican. The dude was twice my size and didn't give a fuck about life. Definitely had a knife (he was mexican). I made him run away like a school girl though.

By the way, all of us commenters are huge pussies when it comes to fighting. How is Nate the most experienced of all?


Anonymous said...

One of my best friends and I got into a fight at a bar a few years ago, and he got smoked in the nosr with a bottle of beer, and it totally broke his nose.

My completely drunk friend, stops in the middle of the fight..stops everyone dead in their track, and says hang on a second.

He then proceeds, to go Mr. Miagi on my friends nose, and twist it back into place..he does the hand rub, the breathing technique the whole nine yards.

Afterwards....he totally goes into Wayne and Garth mode, and says: "GAME ON"!! And smokes this dude in the face, and drops him right where he stood.....fight over!! it was a classic....


Anonymous said...

LWM...That's a great story.

I only got punched in the face one other time. It was during my Freshman year after OSU lost to Michigan (back when we actually lost to them/we actually rioted which were fun). I was standing that night in a yard watching the riot in front of me. All of a sudden I got decked out of nowhere. I asked the dude what the fuck he did that for and he's like, "Dont' fucking throw a bottle from my yard at the cops". I was like, "You moron I didn't throw shit"...I really hadn't. He just walked away...should have found a bottle and thrown it at him.


KPietsch said...

This was a funny post. Even though I had my share, it was always more fun watching others.