Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I Stand On Guard For Thee

Remember the 2008 Beijing Games? Man, that was surprisingly awesome. I expected very little but between Michael Phelps, Nastia Liukin, Misty May-Treanor, and the Redeem Team, that was some highly entertaining shit. And this is coming from a guy who absolutely loathes the Olympics. But that was clearly an abherration as the Vancouver Winter Olympics have been fucking awful.

It could be that this event is pre-empting a lot of my TV shows. Or because She$ enjoys it and insists on making me watch it. And a lot of it may have to do with my current well-documented hatred toward snow. Throw in a little bit of NBC tape delaying events from Canada for some reason, and this has just been insufferable for me. This fucking blows.

While I was sitting around trying to come up with some sort of post for today, this finally dawned on me. The Winter Olympics are horseshit. I figured, "why not make a list of reasons why I hate it"? It took me literally 4 seconds to come up with five things that send my blood pressure through the roof. Here's what I hate the most about these Vancouver Games.

1. Shaun White - There are many people in the world that I would like to punch in the face, and The Flying Tomato is right near the top. I hate this guy. LOOK AT ME, I'M AN AWKWARD FAGGOT! Why the fuck is snowboarding or whatever the hell this flamethrower does even an event in the Olympics? The X-Games were a month ago. I remember this because it's the only time of the year when ESPN unleashes that black announcer with the dreads (Sal something). Anyway, I like to think that I am one of the many Americans hoping that he becomes a quadraplegic during the next two weeks. How awesome would he be drinking out of a straw? Maybe someone would actually cut that shitty hair then. No one should be that proud of being a daywalker.

2. Bode Miller - Oh my God, this guy is an asshole. This douche is supposedly the most decorated skiier ever. He spent his whole life practicing for a shot at the Olympics. Yet four years ago he pissed it all away to get drunk in the Olympic Village. I'm supposed to root for this guy why? And now I'm supposed to be proud of him for his epic bronze medal "win". Oh, good job, threw away everything you ever worked for for third place. And I would put out a guess that 99% of people named Bode in this world are just awful to be around. Other than Bode, Jason Lee's character in Mallrats, all the rest of them have to be just horrible.

3. Figure Skating - I know how to skate. I actually took ice skating in college to learn. It was awesome surprisingly. I hadn't done it in 6 years until a few weeks ago. It was fucking impossible and I thought that my feet were going to explode. So I do respect those that can do it well. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck. I assume that all the guys are like Johnny Weir in which they shove gerbils in their assholes before competitions. As far as the ladies go, whatever. They will never be better looking than gymnasts. Is it Scott Hamilton that does commentary on skating? The way he overreacts to everything, I like to think he's beating off during the routines. Maybe his video is up on Dut's favorite website? I just can't get into this although I do respect anything with crooked judges. It's why I enjoy the NBA so much.

4. Skiing - Just in general, I hate skiers. Is there a more pretentious person than one who skis? I don't think so. Oh, look at me, I've got a lift ticket on my coat. I could have taken it off weeks ago but I want you to see where I've been and what I've done with myself. Hey buddy, why don't you get fucked. Skiing fucking sucks. It's hard. It's lame. And not nearly enough people die doing it. I tried it once, made it down the hill with all my bones intact, and drank 15 beers instead of going back up. I regret nothing. Drinking beer is better than any sort of difficult physical exertion. Sledding is much better. Skiing is just such an elitist activity and as a Joe Everyman, I am conditioned to be against these things. So there. I am throwing it down right now. If you go skiing, you aren't necessarily gay, but you are definitely a faggot.

5. Are these even sports? - I like curling, but how is this a sport? Or the luge, skeleton, bobsled, and other shit where the equipment is more important than the person using it. How do you even get good at the luge? I would think that if you are good at holding on to shit, you would be good at the luge. Maybe it's a sport because you can get killed. And as I said before, if you were a participant in the X-Games, you should be banned from the Olympics for life. Or you should be forced to run the luge. I hear you get extra points for hitting the steel wall.

Bonus! - Where is the skin? I'm sure that there is some decent snizz competing, but the fucking helmets, goggles, and covered skin are forcing me to keep my pants on. And I don't quite care for that.

I can't wait for these games to be over with so can forget that it ever happened. I will freely admit that when it comes to the Winter Olympics, I root for Canada. Fuck national pride. I don't need American athletes racking up medals to tell me that I'm better than everyone in Switzerland. I already know that. Most of our people are either fags or douchebags anyway. Plus, Oh Canada is the greatest song ever. The wife was impressed that I knew all the words to it. I have been singing it around the house all week though. The only sport that I will be watching is hockey and you better believe that I'm pulling for Ricky Nash's Canadian team. Because I'm an American, dammit, and in America we root for Canada. Every time I've been to Canada, I've had a great time. I can't say that about the USA.

In conclusion, one hundred bucks to the first person to deliver me Shaun White's scalp.


Anonymous said...

Thw winter games are so much better than the summer games. The only reason you hate the winter games is because you suck at doing all these things. You can't ski, skate, hell, I dont even know if you can sled right because your lazy ass wouldn't want to walk up the hill. Thats all I have.

Mr. Ace said...

How the fuck can you mention the 08 Olympics and not bring up Usain Bolt? That guy is/was fucking awesome. I don't care if he's not American, he made the Olympics great.

Of course they aren't sports. Why? Because only white people win them. That shit only happens in bowling and nascar. Not sports.

Also, while you're skiing you're supposed to drink the beers on the way back up the lift so you are more likely to survive the crash when you go down.

GMoney said...

Anon, go suck your dad's dick. That's all you have because that is weak shit. You probably ski because you are a homo like Mr. Ace.

Usain Bolt sucks. I didn't forget about him...he just doesn't interest me. You should probably talk with anon about him. I bet he's very interested in Jamaican cock.

Mr. Ace said...

I think you are bitter because Anon just pwned you on your own site.

Usain Bolt is the shit.

You snatch.

Grumpy said...

Fucking five hours a night of gay guys on skates. I'm with ya G$, it all sucks. But at least I'm man enough not to let my wife force me to watch. Grow a pair.

GMoney said...

There's nothing else on because of this shit! Although I did catch the second half and OT of the Kentucky game last night...that was a quality watch just for Brad Nessler calling the MSU fans idiots.

Anonymous said...

I'm going on my annual "ski trip" to Seven Springs, PA next weekend. What do I do on this trip? I drink as much Yuengling has humanly possible and don't ski. But, they do have these humongous tubing runs that for $ 20, you rent a tube and get two hours of flying like 40 mph down a steep hill run in a tube. By the time the skiers are done skiing and they are all sore, I demand we go to the tubing runs where I drink whiskey from a flask and try to run my tube into children as they are walking back to get into the pull line.


Anonymous said...

It's not so much the sports is that we have to watch hours and hours of commentary. Shut up and show the sports.

If they really wanted to do it right, put on a highlight show for an hour showing all of the days events and then move on to the regularly scheduled lineup.

Nate B. said...

Just imagine if it was Shaun White who would have died instead of that Georgian luger. Everybody would have gotten to see what happens when you throw a Flying Tomato up against a wall.

MuDawgfan said...

[i]If you go skiing, you aren't necessarily gay, but you are definitely a faggot.[/i]

This might be the best sentence I've ever read on this blog.

Tony B. said...

Bode from Mallrats wasn't even that cool. He was about 35, living in his Mom's basement, played NHL '94 on Sega Genesis all day, then went to the mall at least 4 times a week just drink out of a paper dixie cup and stink-palm people. Sure it sounds appealing, but in reality, he would suck to hang out with.

GMoney said...

Yeah, Tony, but his uncle started beating off on a plane!

Nate, that was excellent.

Drew, it sounds like you know what you're doing. Get shitfaced, get an intertube, and start aiming for kids...I like your style.

Anonymous said...

Skiing is fun as hell.. Especially when you pound beers on the lift up and throw the cans at skiers going down. Also you get to watch people that can't ski (Ace) go 100 mph into a woods. What do you mean its an elitist sport? Harry Dunn was one hell of a skier.

I've watched about 10 minutes of the winter olympics, and 8 of those were replays of he Georgian splattering his head on a steel post.


Mr. Ace said...

Take a ski trip, it is fucking awesome. Best time I've had in my life despite nearly dying a handful of times.

Just don't get so drunk that you need people to hold you up so you can put your skis on. Terrible idea.

Anonymous said...

I finally agree with you on something. The '08 games were so much better. Better sports and great competition.


GMoney said...

Ah yes, but Harry Dunn did not ski until he opened up the Samsonite and became a millionaire eventhough his IOU's were just as good as money.

The best part about skiing is taking those fucking boots off. I think that ice fishing would be better. You still get shitfaced and you don't have to move.

Jeff said...

Skiing is elitest if softball, bowling, and golf are also. All of which it is acceptable for you to drink while doing.

Anonymous said...


I bet that you secretly watch mens ice skating, because you like the way their packages look. This is probably one of your hidden joys that you don'twant anyone to know about. I bet you and your wife sat up last night and taled about how pretty the uniforms where in mens figure skating.

GMoney said...

God, you're gay, anonymous. And my online name is capitalized, fucko.

Jeff, there is nothing elitist about bowling. Pete Weber was a high school dropout!

Anonymous said...

No Nastia Luikin, Alicia Sacramone or Misty May-Treanor = Shitty Olympics.