Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Remember the 2008 Beijing Games? Man, that was surprisingly awesome. I expected very little but between Michael Phelps, Nastia Liukin, Misty May-Treanor, and the Redeem Team, that was some highly entertaining shit. And this is coming from a guy who absolutely loathes the Olympics. But that was clearly an abherration as the Vancouver Winter Olympics have been fucking awful.
It could be that this event is pre-empting a lot of my TV shows. Or because She$ enjoys it and insists on making me watch it. And a lot of it may have to do with my current well-documented hatred toward snow. Throw in a little bit of NBC tape delaying events from Canada for some reason, and this has just been insufferable for me. This fucking blows.
While I was sitting around trying to come up with some sort of post for today, this finally dawned on me. The Winter Olympics are horseshit. I figured, "why not make a list of reasons why I hate it"? It took me literally 4 seconds to come up with five things that send my blood pressure through the roof. Here's what I hate the most about these Vancouver Games.
1. Shaun White - There are many people in the world that I would like to punch in the face, and The Flying Tomato is right near the top. I hate this guy. LOOK AT ME, I'M AN AWKWARD FAGGOT! Why the fuck is snowboarding or whatever the hell this flamethrower does even an event in the Olympics? The X-Games were a month ago. I remember this because it's the only time of the year when ESPN unleashes that black announcer with the dreads (Sal something). Anyway, I like to think that I am one of the many Americans hoping that he becomes a quadraplegic during the next two weeks. How awesome would he be drinking out of a straw? Maybe someone would actually cut that shitty hair then. No one should be that proud of being a daywalker.
2. Bode Miller - Oh my God, this guy is an asshole. This douche is supposedly the most decorated skiier ever. He spent his whole life practicing for a shot at the Olympics. Yet four years ago he pissed it all away to get drunk in the Olympic Village. I'm supposed to root for this guy why? And now I'm supposed to be proud of him for his epic bronze medal "win". Oh, good job, Bode...you threw away everything you ever worked for for third place. And I would put out a guess that 99% of people named Bode in this world are just awful to be around. Other than Bode, Jason Lee's character in Mallrats, all the rest of them have to be just horrible.
3. Figure Skating - I know how to skate. I actually took ice skating in college to learn. It was awesome surprisingly. I hadn't done it in 6 years until a few weeks ago. It was fucking impossible and I thought that my feet were going to explode. So I do respect those that can do it well. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't suck. I assume that all the guys are like Johnny Weir in which they shove gerbils in their assholes before competitions. As far as the ladies go, whatever. They will never be better looking than gymnasts. Is it Scott Hamilton that does commentary on skating? The way he overreacts to everything, I like to think he's beating off during the routines. Maybe his video is up on Dut's favorite website? I just can't get into this although I do respect anything with crooked judges. It's why I enjoy the NBA so much.
4. Skiing - Just in general, I hate skiers. Is there a more pretentious person than one who skis? I don't think so. Oh, look at me, I've got a lift ticket on my coat. I could have taken it off weeks ago but I want you to see where I've been and what I've done with myself. Hey buddy, why don't you get fucked. Skiing fucking sucks. It's hard. It's lame. And not nearly enough people die doing it. I tried it once, made it down the hill with all my bones intact, and drank 15 beers instead of going back up. I regret nothing. Drinking beer is better than any sort of difficult physical exertion. Sledding is much better. Skiing is just such an elitist activity and as a Joe Everyman, I am conditioned to be against these things. So there. I am throwing it down right now. If you go skiing, you aren't necessarily gay, but you are definitely a faggot.
5. Are these even sports? - I like curling, but how is this a sport? Or the luge, skeleton, bobsled, and other shit where the equipment is more important than the person using it. How do you even get good at the luge? I would think that if you are good at holding on to shit, you would be good at the luge. Maybe it's a sport because you can get killed. And as I said before, if you were a participant in the X-Games, you should be banned from the Olympics for life. Or you should be forced to run the luge. I hear you get extra points for hitting the steel wall.
Bonus! - Where is the skin? I'm sure that there is some decent snizz competing, but the fucking helmets, goggles, and covered skin are forcing me to keep my pants on. And I don't quite care for that.
I can't wait for these games to be over with so can forget that it ever happened. I will freely admit that when it comes to the Winter Olympics, I root for Canada. Fuck national pride. I don't need American athletes racking up medals to tell me that I'm better than everyone in Switzerland. I already know that. Most of our people are either fags or douchebags anyway. Plus, Oh Canada is the greatest song ever. The wife was impressed that I knew all the words to it. I have been singing it around the house all week though. The only sport that I will be watching is hockey and you better believe that I'm pulling for Ricky Nash's Canadian team. Because I'm an American, dammit, and in America we root for Canada. Every time I've been to Canada, I've had a great time. I can't say that about the USA.
In conclusion, one hundred bucks to the first person to deliver me Shaun White's scalp.