Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I AM Peyton Manning

Before I get going today with comparing myself to Peyton Manning, I need to say something. Now that I am a homeowner, the responsibility of dealing with landscaping issues and all that shit falls onto my shoulders. I'm fine with that. I actually enjoy mowing my yard because it makes me feel like an American. But I fucking HATE shoveling snow off of my driveway. I HATE IT. It's the worst part about owning property. I have had to do it three times in the past week (and we have a surprisingly long-ass driveway) and my back is fucking killing me. And from what I'm told, the snow is going to keep coming. I am going to snap. I can feel it. So pay attention to the news and know that if you see a story about a sexy beast cutting his throat with a snow shovel, THAT WAS ME!!!

If you think that I am done talking about winter, you are sorely mistaken.

Now, we all know that Peyton Manning has been taking some shots this week for failing to win the Super Bowl. Let's take a quick look at his career though. He came into the NFL playing for a really shitty team for the first few years. Then, he started to get some talent around him and they started winning. He was able to get the Colts into the playoffs but kept coming up short. One year, it all came together for him and he was able to get the monkey off of his back by winning the Super Bowl against an average Bears team. He kept up his solid play but reverted back to his old ways by disappointing in the postseason. And then Sunday happened and he went from best QB of all-time to top ten. I think that about covers it. So how does this relate to me.

I've had to look deep inside myself over the past few days. Things aren't going the way that I am used to. Something is changing. I am...a pussy.

When I got my driver's license thirteen years ago, I drove a badass, beat-up white service van. Like what a plumber would drive but I had two couches in the back that were not bolted down and only the driver's seat had a seatbelt. It was awesome. It didn't go fast but it taught me how to drive (Peyton's early years). After gaining some much needed road experience in a car that was surely going to kill someone at some point, I was able to upgrade to smaller, more efficient, more practical vehicles. By driving a tank early, I had developed skills with a regular car that allowed me to be a great driver. My favorite automobile ever was my 1991 Grand Am AKA "The G.A.". It was the best car ever built. This car was my Marvin Harrison...we were a perfect match (compare this to the early playoff years).

Eventually, I moved to Cleveland. If you've never lived in the Snow Belt (Cleveland to Buffalo), I would never recommend this just because of the weather. I lived in C-Town for two years and the first Winter brought a record 105 inches of snow. At the time, I was driving a Jetta. Yet I survived. I like to think it's partly because that everyone in NE Ohio knows how to fucking drive in the snow unlike the shitty drivers in Columbus. And those skills rubbed off on me. When you can safely pilot a Jetta through 105 inches of snow, this is like winning a 4 month long Super Bowl. It is the crowning achievement that a driver could possible have. Trust me, I could NEVER do that again.

Then I moved to Columbus. I upgraded vehicles. I continued to kick ass on the highways and byways. But things began to happen. For as great as I was, I kept having weird situations happen to me. Driving to my grandma's last year over the holidays, there was a fucking car part in the middle of my lane. I moved over to the berm, hit a patch of asshole snow, and went spinning about 50 yards off the road into a field. Nothing was wrong with my car, but it shook my confidence. After this year's national championship football game, I'm driving home from Dut and the Saul's, same thing happens. I hit a patch of snow in the left lane, do a 360, and end up in the far right lane. I may have even shit my pants a little. It was terrifying. And that is when the legend started to crumble. For all the great driving I did when the weather was nice, I couldn't rely on myself when it got tougher in the Winter (Peyton's recent repeated playoff failures).

And then came my Super Bowl moment. Friday, I had just finished shoveling so I had She$ drive me to get some ribs and wings. She is an awful driver. I tell her this constantly. But I was exhausted. The roads sucked still and here I was, actually yelling at her for driving too fast and following the car in front of us too closely. I was freaking out. In short, I am a pussy. You should see me drive now. If there is any snow on the ground, I'm sitting up in my seat like a grandma and have both hands on the wheel. It is embarrassing. But my confidence is shot. I don't trust the road anymore. I used to love driving but this time of year, I can't wait to get out of that fucking car.

Sure, I'm still one of the finest fair-weather drivers on the planet. I run a perfect offense. I can see moves in traffic better than anyone. I switch lanes like a fucking champion. And that's what makes me sad. When it gets cold out, I turn into everything that I hate on the road. I stay in the right lane only. I drive under the speed limit. I bleed from my vagina. Who cares if I can dominate for 9 months of the year? I want a full year of greatness like it used to be.

The sad thing is, I don't think this shitty snowy driving is going to change. Much like Peyton Manning, my best years are already behind me. It's a mental thing now. It's over for me and Peyton. Now we both just sit back, go through the motions, continue to fail, and wait for Marvin Harrison to kill us. It's the only way that we both want to go.


Grumpy said...

Somehow, that all makes sense. Conclusion: you and Peyton are both pussies.

GMoney said...

It's maddening. I've gone from giving a half car length (yes, I am a tailgater) to 8 car lengths.

Anonymous said...

Get a snow-blower.

Get four wheel drive.

Your vagina will then vanish.


Mr. Ace said...

You are one giant gash.

Drew is right. You own a fucking house in Ohio, buy a fucking snowblower...preferably from your favorite Ace hardware.

I don't want to toot my own horn, but I am a beast of a driver. I think when The Intimidator exploded into that wall his driving skills were sent to me from above...which hopefully doesn't mean a fiery death for me as well.

I would also like to stake my claim as the greatest drunk driver ever, particularly in the winter months. Unfortunately, I no longer exercise that greatness.

GMoney said...

How can you be the best drunk driver when you got caught by Rod Farva???

Yes, a snow blower is definitely going to be purchased in the near future.

Ace sponsors Mike and Mike...I will not be buying anything from there any time soon out of spite.

Mr. Ace said...

ACE sponsors America. Don't you like America? Exactly. You're either a terrorist or you're going to ACE.

Anonymous said...

Your confidence will come back, as long as you don't have any similar scares on the road. I have gone through comparable experiences and mine has always come back. One thing to remember is that during this entire time that you are being cautious, you are becoming more aware, which will make you even more of a badass driver when its all said and done. Who knows, maybe in a year or two you will be writing a similar post, but instead you will be comparing yourself to John Elway.

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

LS, if that means that Mike Shanahan will be riding shotgun with me, sign me the fuck up.

Anonymous said...

Riding shotgun?! He will be throwing beer bottles at road signs with you! A la Henry County Booze Cruise style.

-Lil' Strut

Tony B. said...

Snow? What is this magical thing you speak of?

Just move to California, it's much drive out here. Of course, if you happen to get caught on the Bay Bridge during the '89 earthquake, it might be a different story.

Anonymous said...

I don't want to hear any bitching about winter until you drive through snow in a Mustang! That would be like having Peyton Manning on the Lions.


Mr. Ace said...

Dut, you should have kept the Waney Wagon...and I should have kept the Lumina. Those were the good ol days.

Anonymous said...

On a completely unrelated topic, Mo Clarett has applied for early release from prison. We need this guy back in society to liven things up again.


Anonymous said...

On a completely related note, when and why were you sitting on the back of that Corvette in the picture, Damman?

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

Runner-Up in the Tomato Pageant, LS.