Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Money Shot Maniacs, we will always have this.
WARNING! The following content may be offensive to you. If terms such as nutgobbler, cumguzzling, anal gapage, titty fuck, taint bomb, horse cock, reach around, prostate milking, finger blasting, muff diving, choad, Lucky Pierre(Dut's favorite), love tunnel, angry dragon, autofellatio(My Favorite), bust-a-nut bars, chocolate starfish, or felching are offensive to you, you will most certainly be offended by the following post. If so, take out your fucking tampon and keep reading. If not, get the google search ready and throw on a pair of woman's panties because it's about to get real freaky naughty.
What a fantastic day here at The Money Shot. Today, we talk about porn. Big titties. Fat asses. Thick mustaches(oops). I'm a sucker for the curves, so don't be mad when your favorite sixteen year old look-a-like girl isn't on here. It's porn, to each his own...you fucking pedophile. I'm going to give a crash course on everything that is porn today. So sit back, dim the lights, make yourself comfortable, and get back to fucking work you creep!
Mr. Ace's Top Five:
Note: This list is fluid--pun intended--because it just is. Nobody jerks it to the same set of chicks in the same order. Nonetheless, we all have our go-to's.
1. Gianna Michaels. This is a number one that you probably wouldn't see on anybody else's list, but fuck them. She has ginormous real tits. She could deep throat a Louisville Slugger. I imagine her getting pounded eight hours a day for work and then going home and having her own gang bang just for shits and gigs because she just likes to be slammed. She is not some blond bombshell, super hot porn star , but this isn't fucking Miss America. You need to be a performer to be my bottom bitch.
2. Amy Reid. She is definitely the hottest porn star out there and she brings the nasty. Again, great natural boobies. Super fit. She is definitely DTF in every way, shape, and form. And she is German, so you know she likes the booze. She always sticks her finger in her ass and that is always awesome. But her porn star boyfriend looks like Powder and that's not cool...the only thing that kept her out of the number one spot.
3. Carmella Bing. Boooooooooooooobies! She used to be my favorite, but has fallen down the list slightly over the last couple years. Still top shelf, but she has let herself go a little bit. But that's the wonderful thing about porn, you can find the good shit anywhere. Even if she does resemble an offensive tackle right now, her old scenes are still out there and just as great as they were when I first saw them. Her Brazzers work should have earned her an Oscar.
4. Bree Olson. She has mastered the dirty little school girl routine and deserves to be rewarded for it...with a big load of baby batter. All I really have to say is and you know what I'm talking about.
5. Jayden James. This was a tough one. She is easily deserving of a top five spot...but so are about ten other ladies. But Jayden makes this list simply because her body is fucking bangin'. Look at that shit. I would need images of dead kittens in my head just to last 1 minute with her. Her only downfall though, no back door fun...at least not that I've seen(And trust me, I've looked). I'm sure it will happen eventually and when it does, she goes right to the top of the list.
Alexis Texas- Superbooty
...and many many more.
Oh no, I'm not done yet. Now it's time to give a little break down of some of the more popular Subcategories of porn.
1. Lacey DuValle. Holy black jesus, she is fucking hot. As 2 Live Crew once eloquently said, "Big booty hoes, hump wit it! Let me see you touch the ground!" I imagine those lyrics were meant especially for Lacey DuValle. She is a lesbian by day, but she will do anything for pay...aka perfect.
Latina: Favorite Subcategory
1. Esperanza Gomez. Sweet goodness, she is unbelievably hot. She hasn't been around all that long, but she has quickly climbed to the top of my spankbank. Everything about her is ridiculous. My words probably can't do her justice, so I'll just let you fire up the google machine and come up with your own explanation.
1. Holly Halston. Huge jugs. Blonde hair. You think, meh, typical porn star. Well you would be wrong, sir. Not only is she a machine in the sack, she has the hottest voice ever. There is only one MILF I personally know that can stack up against Ms. Halston...Nate B knows who I'm talking about.
1. Priya Rai. I have never tried curry, but I'm pretty sure all the guys reading this would eat it from her ass crack. She is straight out of India, which isn't something you see too often in the porn biz. Most importantly she squirts, a lot.
Umm...Asians, they all look alike.
That's right, I said dudes. I'm not afraid to admit that there are guys I would rather watch pounding snatch over others.
1. Keiran Lee. This guy is fucking hilarious. I don't know if it's just his English accent or what, he always makes the porn experience even better. I would totally hang out with this guy, no homo.
None, I have already raised enough questions about my sexuality with this.
Squirting: One of the most awesome and disgusting things all at the same time. A little bit is cool, but I don't want to feel like I just fucked Splash Mountain.
1. Mason Moore. There is just something about girls with huge knockers and tats that is awesome. Then you throw in she takes action in door number 2. Then you sprinkle some squirting on top. And you've got the ultimate porn star.
1. Nina Hartley. This one was all G Money, "Personally, I am in awe that Nina Hartley is still getting slammed on camera well into her 50's. She's like the Satchel Paige of sucking dick." Well said.
Jenna Jamison...I think she can be considered a classic now.
1. POV. There are several ways to shoot a porn and none of them are bad, but there is one that is better than all the rest. Why POV? Because there are times when I feel like I should possess a 17 inch, black clam hammer and POV is the best way to make that happen.
Pay For Porn Sites:
1. Brazzers. In college, a kid on my dorm floor agreed to put a porn membership on his credit card as long as some of the guys would pitch in to cover the cost. Worked for me. That membership went strong for over five years until one day, one terribly depressing day, it vanished. Brazzers is the shit.
2. Bangbros. Their previews are awesome so their full content has to be, right? Right.
Free Porn Tubes:
1. Youjizz. The name says it all. You watch, you jizz. They have an enormous selection. If you can't find any ammunition their then it's just not gonna happen.
2. Keezmovies. A bunch of categories. A nice porn star database.
Pornrabbit...that's usually all the further I get.
Now that, my friends, is what porn is fucking all about. You may want to bookmark this post, because it is awesome. Next time you are having an argument about porn, feel free to quote directly from this article and know that you will immediately be respected and revered. Hopefully you got a chance to read this while at home. If not, it's going to be really awkward walking around work with a boner.