Wednesday, February 24, 2010

An Evan Stone Cold Lock

This is Evan Stone. He is a porn star. I held off on bringing him up yesterday during Porn Day because I wanted to talk about him as part of a different discussion. You see, Evan Stone is awesome. His role as Capt. Edward Reynolds in the critically acclaimed porno, Pirates, was legendary. If The Money Shot was ever a premise for a major motion picture, I would want him to play me. I figured that Kevin James could play Ace. We would be dirty cops trying to take down even dirtier criminals. It would definitely win an Oscar. Anyway, this is going to be the worst segue in blogging history because now I want to shift to the NFL. And every prediction that I make in the future will be branded as an Evan Stone Cold Lock.

It's kind of weird that over the past two days, two of the best running backs in football over the last ten years have been given a two-in-the-pink slip. It wasn't that long ago that LaDainian Tomlinson and Brian Westbrook were top 5 picks in every fantasy draft. Hell, that was probably two years ago. And now they are both unemployed. In an offseason of uncertainty in the NFL due to the weird restricted free agency rules, where these two end up is at least sort of interesting. You know that LT is going to being playing next year and if Westbrook's head is alright, he probably will, too. Neither of them are feature backs anymore but they could definitely help a team out still. Let's look at some of the teams who need running back depth/help.

Seattle - This would be a decent spot for anyone as Julius Jones is the worst player in the NFL and Justin Forsett isn't good either.
Cleveland - Jerome Harrison had a good finish but I'm not sure he would be able to handle the load. The Browns also offer a good offensive line which is enticing.
Detroit - Kevin Smith is awful and he's always hurt. They need someone who can take the heat off of Triple Chin Stafford.
Pittsburgh - Yeah, Mendenhall is OK and all but they could use someone better than Mewelde Moore to take ten-twelve carries a game.
New England - Are they ever going to address their shitty backfield?
Washington - I firmly believe that both Portis and Betts are gone. Shanny doesn't have a history of signing older backs though. They may make a play at Chester Taylor.
Houston - Steve Slaton was a turd last season. It would probably benefit them to bring in someone reliable for the goalline carries.
San Diego - Sproles isn't an every down back. I have a feeling that they draft Jonathon Dwyer out of GaTech.

So where will Westbrook and Tomlinson end up next year? Shit, I already know this. But then again, I'm smarter than you. In the time that you have wasted reading this, I have already copyrighted The Money Shot Movie. THAT IS HOW SMART I AM! The NFL is easy to figure out.

LaDainian Tomlinson ends up in Houston. He will continue to get shitty yards per carry but will score 10 TD's next year. He isn't the answer to get them over the hump, but he helps a bit. The Texans will still miss the playoffs.

Brian Westbrook (as long as he is cleared medically) will go to the Browns. Lock it up. The Browns new GM is Tom Heckert who just came from Philly. Westbrook still has some life in his legs since the Eagles hardly ever used him eventhough he was their best player the past five years. He and Harrison could form quite a tandem in the backfield. Hell, they could probably combine for over 2,000 yards on the ground even with a faggot QB handing them the ball/trying to fondle them.

So those are my Evan Stone Cold locks for running back free agency. It was either this topic or writing about the NCAA investigation into RichRod. I find that boring. Man, how long do I have to wait for another Porn Day? I want to learn more about the intricacies of squirting!


Mr. Ace said...

Looks like Sproles will hit the free agent market too. If teams are looking for a complementary back I think he will be the first choice. The first two teams I thought about Westbrook going to were the Vikings and the Browns. If everything checks out with the concussions I think he has one really good year left in him. He definitely has more to give than LT.

I will be so fucking pissed if Chester Taylor goes to the skins.

GMoney said...

The Chargers need to get rid of Sproles, too, and bring back the lethal duo of Natrone Means and Marion Butts.

Mr. Ace said...

That would be awesome. Then maybe the Eagles will bring Ricky Watters back in.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure that I would want Westbrook. He's a great player, but he never plays. Every player in Browns history is injury prone, so we would get about 2 games from him. Isn't Reggie Bush available?

The Browns really need to worry about getting a few WRs, a QB, and a defense.


GMoney said...

Reggie is probably available but it would cost you a bunch of draft picks. He is not a free agent.

Well, you need at least one more RB. Chris Jennings, or whatever that fuck's name is, should not be in the NFL.

Grumpy said...

How about you fantasy football geeks just going all porn, all the time?

Tony B. said...

It's amazing to see how fast RBs cycle through the NFL these days. I literally just thought about how the Bears need a RB as well because of how terrible Matt Forte was last year and he's only two years into the league.

If we're turning back the clock, then I'll take Neal Anderson and Brad Muster in my backfield. Why not Walter Payton? Because he's dead.

GMoney said...

Obviously, today was not my finest effort here. I don't care. I don't have to answer to anyone but the lord and savior Jesus Christ!

I do have, in my opinion, an outstanding post brewing for tomorrow. Tease over.