Tuesday, February 02, 2010

An ACEterview: The Rath of Tebow

My boy, G$'s dreamfuck, has been getting hated on pretty bad over the last couple weeks and I will not tolerate it any longer. I have asked His Holiness Timothy Tebow to stop by and speaketh some truths to us neophytes and heathens at The Money Shot. What transpired was truly amazing, I am a believer in the mighty Tebow.

ACE: Hello Tim, it truly is a pleasure to meet you. Should I bow to you or something? Or is a handshake good?
Tim Tebow: Kiss my feet and great fortune shall come your way.
ACE: Really? What kind of fortune? I mean, I'm not gonna kiss your feet for some circumcision skins. I want some virgins.
TT: Do not question me, peasant.
ACE: You know what... Okay, give me your foot dammit.

ACE: So you are a pro-life kind of guy. Not me, I think abortions should be forced upon people. The Chinks got it right, they make great cuisine and they don't allow daughters.
TT: While I agree with your sentiment about women, life is something that is to be cherished.
ACE: What about Lane Kiffin? I know you wish that ass hole would have been aborted.
TT: He will serve an eternity in hell being ravaged by rabid hounds.
ACE: Couldn't he have just been aborted and sent straight to hell though?
TT: Do you not appreciate the gift I have given you?
ACE: What gift?
TT: For if there would be no Lane Kiffin, there would be no Layla Kiffin.
ACE: You are wise beyond your years. But seriously, why the pro-life ad?
TT: I am building an army. The apocalypse is near...
ACE: Son of a bitch, the world really is going to end December 21, 2012 isn't it?
TT: Not if I have anything to say about it.
ACE: ...that response was slightly arousing.

ACE: Back to the more earthly things. What the hell is going on with Urban Meyer?
TT: He is being punished.
ACE: For being an awesome head coach or acting like he actually cares about his family?
TT: Do you remember the movie "The Green Mile?"
ACE: Yes, I love that movie. And I'm pretty sure that is what started G$'s fascination with small rodents.
TT: What is the premise of that movie?
ACE: Umm... don't be enormous and black and try to help people because you will get fucked.
TT: Wrong, imbecile. You will remember that Paul Edgecomb was cursed to die only after watching everyone important to him die first because he killed John Coffey. God punished him for killing an angel. Do you now know?
ACE: So... why would God make an angel so dumb? I mean, the guy couldn't even read or write. I thought God hated retards, why would he make one an angel?
TT: Hush, you simpleton. When I suffered that concussion causing hit against Kentucky, I was temporarily dead. God brought me back, but he is punishing Urban Meyer. It was only Meyer's greed that kept me out on that field when up by 30 points.
ACE: Wait, so you actually died from that concussion? What a pussy.
TT: I died to prove a point.
ACE: Oh, I get it. So you are like the retard in the movie, right?
TT: Are we done yet?

ACE: I've got one more thing I would like to cover with you. What do you think about Todd McShay constantly tearing your game apart? That guy is relentless.
TT: Ah yes, Todd McShay, that insufferable, diminutive weasel.
ACE: I mean, we both know that even with Jesus on your side you've got no chance at playing QB at the next level. Well, maybe for the Redskins, but that's it. Seriously, Danny Wuerffel thinks you will make a shitty pro QB.
TT: You are foolish to doubt me. Your fate may be as heinous as McShay's.
ACE: Ooooooo... Tell me, tell me, tell me, please tell me. I talked to Sean Taylor(I strongly recommend you revisit this) a while back and the way he described hell...well, if hell was a TV station I would watch it all day.
TT: McShay will spend eternity in a flaming bath of lava.
ACE: That shit is weak.
TT: I have not finished. This will not be your ordinary lava. Todd McShay will spend eternity bathing in AIDS semen... set aflame... by Mel Kiper's hair piece.
ACE: I knew that shit wasn't real. Now that's the hell that I was talking about.

Now you all understand the true greatness of Tim Tebow.

12 comments:

Grumpy said...

I want Mr. Ace to interview G$.

GMoney said...

I love how Tebow uses all these big words. That killed me, simpleton

Dan Rather used to say Chinks all the time when he was interviewing people, too.

Mr. Ace said...

Tim Tebow has an astute vocabulary. I really like saying Chinks for some reason.

Also, since National Signing Day is nearly upon us... How about Toledo pulling in a top 60 class!!! And one of Rivals biggest surprises of the recruiting season. The Rockets are back, bitches.

Also, how about the Redhawks doing a liveblog, or something, all day tomorrow to broadcast to the legions of Miami of Ox fans...

Anonymous said...

That was good shit!

Is Toledos class better than Michigans?

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

No, but it is the best class in Ohio!!!

GMoney said...

Yeah, the RedHawks are true innovators when it comes to Signing Day technology. I do not care though. I will not be following along. If there is one thing that I've learned over the past 5 years is that anyone willing to play football in Oxford is usually awful and out of options.

Toledo is going to suck still, Chink.

Anonymous said...

Yeah right Ace. Seantrel Henderson by himself would be a better recruiting class than what Toledo is getting!

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

Henderson is a great prospect...a great prospect for THE FUCKEYES TO POOP ON! We have discussed this before, when was the last time the Fuckeyes put a good OT into the league? Orlando Pace? I have no idea why that kid would go there...but it appears he is.

Anonymous said...

I don't think we land Seantrel. I follow this shit way too closely and this is not the type of kid we land. I think he goes to USC.

I do think we shock some people and get Matt James over ND though.

Ace...Alex "I like to get blacked out and jump around on cars" Boone is on the 49ers practice squad..so suck it.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, while I hope you are right, I think it would be a slight shock if Henderson didn't become a fuckeye. I don't know if I have seen one major outlet that says the fuckeyes are not the clear favorites at this point...but like I said, I hope you're right.

Alex Boone is my second favorite fuckeye lineman ever...behind the lovely Daniel Dye.

Anonymous said...

Good brief and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Thanks you for your information.

Anonymous said...

Anon....what the fuck did that mean?

Ace...watch it happen. It will be a shock to me if Seantrel picks OSU. These recruiting "gurus" are retards. They end up getting so much "inside" news blown up their asses, that they don't even look at the main smoke signals.

Boone can drink more than Dye.

--Drew