Tuesday, January 12, 2010

You Want A Rant? Here's A Fucking Rant

(I am gay for Brian Dawkins and I'm okay with that)

Fuck this shit. I've had this eerie feeling in the back of my mind all year that my Eagles were not all that we were cracked up to be. Even D Jax's never ending parade of 50+ yard TD's couldn't bring me to shake this feeling. Last week, I realized exactly why I had those feelings. Saturday, that feeling multiplied into a rage that nearly led to me flying to Philadelphia and going on a Rambo style rampage and taking out anybody associated with the organization. We are a fucking house of cards, a total sham, and there are a million reasons why.

If I were Jim Johnson looking down on that pathetic excuse for a defense, I would come down all Paranormal Activity-like and possess a rabid pitbull, preferably one of Vick's, and bite Sean McDermott's tiny fucking testicles off. What a fucking abortion our defense is. How many times can a team run a fucking WR screen until you realize you should probably stop it? Get your bitchasses up on the line of scrimmage and in the face of the WR. When it is 3rd down, you fucking blitz. You blitz everytime. After last weeks shit show, Jeffrey Lurie should have dug up Jim Johnson's corpse and strapped it to Sean McDermott's back to remind him what kind of fucking defense the Philadelphia Eagles play. Ridiculous.

How the fuck can you be an NFL team and not have defensive lineman that weighs more than 250 lbs? Of course we are getting blown off the line, our D lineman are the same size as college freshman. And how do we try to make up for our lack of size in the middle? Jeremiah "I should have stopped playing five years ago" Trotter. Talk about a genius coaching decision. I can do what Trotter does. It isn't hard to get fucking buried by the lead blocker on every play. Show some fucking pride and shed a block you pussy. And god forbid he has to actually play pass coverage. Me watching Trotter play pass coverage is like a father watching his retarded son trying to bite his fucking ear off, it's hilarious until you remember he is yours.

Please Christ, get Marty Mornhinweg's worthless ass off our coaching staff. Yes, Andy Reid is the head coach and he has a lot to do with the offensive game planning, but Marty is calling the plays. I said Friday in the comments that the Eagles needed to run the ball at least 40% of the time to have a chance of winning. We ran 11 rush plays and 41 pass plays. Even you fucktards can figure out that's not 40%. Now, a lot of the time the Eagles make up for their lack of a rushing attack with short passes and the screen game. Why the fuck were we not running screens? Our offensive line is getting blown out like Drew's ass at the Plugged Nickel and McNabb is playing like a flustered little bitch, the screen game would make perfect sense. But no. We run three fucking screens all game. One was read perfectly by Ware and blown up, one was a 24 yard gain to Westbrook, and the other was a touchdown to D Jax. Fucking brilliant, Marty. Is this clown really being considered for head coaching jobs?

Jason Peters, you fuck, you being a "Pro Bowl Offensive Tackle" this year is laughable. You are a turd. Good thing we pay you ridiculous jack to suck taint. Winston Justice, you couldn't even start for USC this year and yet you are our starting RT. Good thing we just extended you and can pay you ridiculous jack to suck taint. Why did we dump Jon Runyan? Why did we let go of Tra Thomas? Obviously we replaced Thomas with Peters...not sure about that yet, but Runyan probably would have hung around for pennies compared to what we just signed Justice to. It makes no fucking sense.

Donovan McNabb. Fuck you. I'm done with you. I have said this before, only to backtrack on it when I realize you are probably the best QB in Eagles history. But, I'm done with this shit. You aren't a winner. You aren't clutch. You aren't a leader, at least not a good one. You shrink in big moments. Basically, you are everything I don't want in my quarterback. You have had plenty of chances to get this team over the top and have failed miserably on every occasion. I've seen enough, and so has every other Eagles fan. Go highjack some other organization you fucking choke artist.

I never thought I would say this, but I want Vick. He has a $5 million option for next year and the Eagles should pick it up and make a run with Vick at the helm. He won't be any worse than McNabb. If we have made it this far with McNabb throwing half his passes into the turf then Vick's accuracy shouldn't be an issue. It would also force Reid away from is idiotic pass happy offense. Vick is a good quarterback, not great, but there is no way Reid would have him back there chucking the ball 45 times a game. Vick also brings that extra dimension with his athletic ability, something McNabb lost five years ago. But if we don't go with Vick, I would have no problems with turning over the reigns to Kolb. I have ripped on him quite often for looking like a guy who should be on To Catch A Predator, but he looked good this year when he got his chance. Anybody but McNabb.

Last but not least, this is why you don't get rid of Brian fucking Dawkins. As many of you know, I have an obsession with B Dawk that borders inappropriate. But it is totally warranted. He is the greatest Philadelphia Eagle EVER. Period. There is no doubt in my mind that if we had B Dawk on our team this year we would have been enjoying a first round bye instead of already being out of the playoffs. What the fuck was the front office thinking? It would have been one thing if we had a decent player waiting to take over but, of course, we didn't. No, we replace a guy who is still one of the best safeties in the league--at least top 7-- with a fucking rookie. Not just any rookie, a fifth round draft pick. Not just any fifth round draft pick, a fifth round draft pick who played fucking cornerback his entire college career! GREAT FUCKING PLAN DIPSHITS! Tis is a direct quote from Sean McDermott after the game:
"We've lost some production this year at the safety position. I would think that needs to improve next year if we want to go as far as we'd like to go as a team."
YOU FUCKING THINK?! Easily the worst decision in our organization's history. We brought this first round loss upon ourselves with that one blasphemous act. I hope the grandchildren of those in the front office are born with AIDS nuts on their chin.

I was hoping this would make me feel better, but I'm just more pissed. FUCK ALL OF YOU!

14 comments:

GMoney said...

like a father watching his retarded son trying to bite his fucking ear off, it's hilarious until you remember he is yours.
---Out. Standing.

I saw a list a few weeks ago that ranked McDermott as the best DC in the league. I nearly shit a brick.

Dawkins is not the best Eagle ever. Not even close. That honor will always go to Mike Golic who SCREAMS TIL HIS LUNGS BLEED!!!

That was a pretty great rant though. If any other team had curb-stomped you queers, I would have enjoyed your demise mroe.

Grumpy said...

Kolb? Yeah, that's the ticket. If you think he's the answer, then you may as well start trying to bite your ear off.

Mr. Ace said...

Wow, where was this list? I don't think McDermott is bad necessarily, just needs some experience and talent. Our defense was fucking garbage this year.

Yes, Kolb. Have you seen the QB's in the NFL lately? He could step in and be top 10.

Dawkins is the greatest Eagle forever, foreva, foreva-eva, foreva-eva.

Dustin said...

Who gives a shit about the Eagles?

McNabb = Browns starting QB in 2010

GMoney said...

I would rather have Brady Quinn than McVomit. And I'm not even gay.

MuDawgfan said...

[i] I never thought I would say this, but I want Vick...He won't be any worse than McNabb [/i]


Dear sir,

How wrong you are. Take a normal NFL playbook, Vick can understand and run maybe 20% of it. I promise you - you'd hate him after Week 4. For every scramble picking up 10 yards and 1st - there are 5 rocketballs skipped into the turf.

In closing, Fuck you and Vick.

love,

MuDawgfan

Mr. Ace said...

"For every scramble picking up 10 yards and 1st - there are 5 rocketballs skipped into the turf."

HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED MCNABB??? 25% of his passes are drilled into the turf! In ATL Vick was handed the key to the city, because that franchise is a joke,when he arrived, that shit ain't gonna happen in Philly. Vick would be fine.

So fuck you and McNabb.

GMoney said...

The answer to all of these questions is simple...Koy Detmer.

MuDawgfan said...

If "The Money Shot Sports blog" has taught me anything, it's that telling your readers that they are fucking morons is a tremendous way to build loyalty.

"Come for the gambling advice, stay for the abuse"

God save this blog.

Mr. Ace said...

I guess we could bring back Garcia's queer ass.

Umm...You're Welcome?

GMoney said...

Actually, come for the abuse and stay for the terrible gambling advice. Get it right.

Tony B. said...

It seems like we could do a few weeks of contributors and commenters ranting about how terrible their teams were this year. I mean, the only person who has their team left is that random anonymous Chargers fan who vomits in the comment section from time to time.

Grumpy said...

You know you're accepted when they start abusing you.

Anonymous said...

is porn the only winner during credit crunch?


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