Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Shitty Guest Post Day

Ugh. Sometimes I say and do stupid things. This would qualify as one of those bad decisions. If you recall, I said that whoever won the Bowl Pool contest could write a post for this site. Damman won. He wrote this shit below. I'm sorry. Who the hell wants to talk about college football in late January anyway? He's about as annoying as Mark May. I'm a man of my word though so here is his raw sewage.

Well, since I won a guest post on this terrible site due my vast knowledge of college football (Mr. Ace finished dead last, I believe--he finished behind She$!!!), I figured I should devote my post to college football. I was thinking, "What college football topic could I talk about?" I decided to talk about the greatest college football topic of them all, THE Ohio State University Football Team. After we gave the nation, all the talking heads, and The Money Shot haters a nice, big shitburger to eat with that trouncing of the fast and scary Oregon Ducks in the Rose Bowl, I figured today that I would put nice big bow on this past season and give small preview of next season.

I am going to break down each position grouping along with coaching, and give them a grade on this past season. I was way too lazy to do any research on this, so all of this is off the top of my head. But, I am really smart so here it is.

Quarterback (C) - I admit, I was one of those people calling for TP's head after the disaster at Purdue. But he was solid and mistake free the rest of the season and his Rose Bowl performance moved his grade from a D to C. If not for his out of this world expectations, he probably would have gotten a B on the season. But when are the #1 QB coming out of high school, you have to deal with those expectations. Hopefully, the Rose Bowl is a sign of things to come next year for his Heisman campaign. It's make or break for him next year.

Running Back (B) - This was a solid group with Herron and Saine leading the way. Boom and Zoom are not flashy, but they are solid pass catchers out of the backfield (Zoom especially) and they hold on to the ball. Holding on to the ball is skill that Jim Tressel somewhat likes. Like I said these guys are not spectacular and I prefer my RB's to be bruisers. I really missed watching Beanie stiff arm every linebacker that tried to tackle him, but I guess his kind of talent doesn't come around too often. So I should just shut up and not complain about a group that helped put up 3 straight 200 yard performances at the end of the season.

Wide Receiver/Tight End (C) - Much like the running backs, this group was not special, but they were solid. Posey showed that he has potential to be that big play threat and my man crush Dane Sanzenbacher is fearless going across the middle. Jake Ballard was a steady blocker and his catch in the Rose Bowl will go down forever in Buckeye lore.

Offensive Line (B) - This unit has been criticized more than any other during Tress's tenure as coach, and rightfully so. They have been really bad for many of those years. Even in the great '02 season, the immortal Mo Clarett made them look a lot better than they were as we all saw when Lydell Ross and his counterfeit Vanity money ran behind them. But this group really came together this season. The pass protection was better (not great) and the run blocking was much better down the stretch as every team knew we were going to run the ball and they couldn't do anything about it.

Defensive Line (A+) - Cam Heyward, Thad Gibson, Doug Worthington...take a bow. This group was as dominant as any defensive line I have seen in all the years of my Buckeye fandom. It rivals the '02 group led by "The Fresh Prince of Columbus," Will Smith. They were disruptive in every area of the game and were just a whole lot of fun to watch.

Linebackers (A) - Spitler, Homan and Rolle made up a great trio of play making LB's. These guys were sure tacklers and had a knack for making the big play. Always in the right spot, never out of position.

Defensive Backs (B) - The only reason this group does not get an A is because of the extreme suck that is Anderson Russell and Chimdi Chekwa. Kurt Coleman was an absolute stud, top 5 safety in the country. Devon Torrence had a very solid and surprising year. Russell is the slowest black guy DB that I have ever seen and Chekwa is the most overrated CB at OSU since Nate Clements. Sorry Kurt and Devon for having to play with these guys all year.

Coaching (C) - I'm sorry, I still cannot get over the chicken shit play calling in the USC game. I give credit to Tress for rallying the troops to finish the season the way they did. But a C is the best I can give him. That loss still kills me.

Pre-Season Top 5 for 2010:

1. Alabama - Nick Saban is the devil, but the guy can coach and they have a whole lot coming back.
2. Ohio State - 16 starters back, 8 home games and a (hopefully) electrifying QB. Yeah, I like their chances.
3. Boise State - They lose one starter. Could this be the year they finally get a shot at the Big One?
4. Texas - They aren't going anywhere anytime soon.
5. Iowa - That's right, the Big 10 is back. Iowa should be better than this year.

I look forward to Ace, G$ and all the rest of you haters' illogical insults in comments. All I can say is get used to it. The Buckeyes are not going anywhere (ed. - but Hell) for a long time.

Well, that sucked. Thankfully, I included an amazingly racktastic picture of Annie Wersching from 24 to help ease your pain. She can cut my thumb off any day.


Grumpy said...

Once I read the topic, I went no further. What a waste of G$'s valuable space.

GMoney said...

Tell me about it, I have to stop giving these losers an opportunity to ruin this site.

The real question is: on the opening night game against Marshall, should anOSU win, will their stupid fans rush the field???

Anonymous said...

Hey, I win a contest and I get a homework assignment. What do you want me to do?


Anonymous said...

Wow, was this peice of work the shitburger you are talking about.

Naptown Wolverine

Mr. Ace said...

I said my final piece on college football two weeks ago.

Of course they will "rush the court"...they will be undefeated.

What do you expect from a guy who called yesterday a great day for America because some homo got elected in Mass...and someone who thinks Sean Hannity is a great American.

I apologize in advance for this joke. "Mr. Ace finished dead last, I believe--he finished behind She$"... I always finish behind She$!!! ZZZZZZZING.

Anonymous said...

Damman, I agree with your analysis and your predictions. Iowa scares me, because we will be playing at their place. Other than that, all OSU's tough games are at home. Everything is set up in Ohio State's favor to make a run at the national title. Get used to it haters!

-Lil' Strut

P.S. I would have liked to see a more in depth analysis of how much Ohio State actually dominated the mighty, fast, amazing Oregon Ducks and made them look like the overrated team they actually were in the overrated conference that is the PAC-10. But maybe it just goes without saying. Good call G$ towards the middle of the season saying the PAC-10 was one of the best conferences in college football. Their best win came over an 8-4 Boston College team in the Emerald Bowl.

Anonymous said...

Good stuff Dammn.

On Chekwa, I think he's either hot or cold. He completely shut down Damien Williams in that USC game. There are rumors that he's getting a little hip surgery soon too, so that could explain his lack of skill down the stretch.

Lil' Wisconsin will be a very tough game too...and you know they are going to make us play at night there.


Anonymous said...


Althouh that is true, the fact of the matter is Wisconsin's offense plays into our traditional strengths. I anticipate our offense being much more consistent next year and able to put up points with more ease, so the Wisconsin game does not worry me as much as Iowa.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

Ace, this is a political blog. Stop talking politics.

LS, I didn't want to make everyone on here feel bad by bringing up the domination in the Rose Bowl too much. It must suck for these commenters to root for awful college football teams. I felt bad for them.

Drew, I'm sorry. If I see Chekwa on the streets of Cbus, he is getting stabbed in the eye.


Anonymous said...

This isn't a political blog, I meant.


Anonymous said...

U are all fucks

Jeff said...

You should have wrote about how Evan Turner is the G.O.A.T.!!!

Dustin said...

Ace- obviously you don't know the significance of Brown getting elected. Shut your dirty little mouth.

OSU vs Boise St = next years national title game. Yes please.

May the Forcier be with you.

GMoney said...

Don't lay that on me. You told me that you wanted to write a post.

Knock the political shit off. Only assholes talk about that stuff. Considering who is, that makes sense.

LS, I get predictions wrong ALL THE TIME. But remember, anOSU was 1-1 against the Pac-10 this year.

Drew, you are a fucking loser. That is all. I hope that The Situation commits a "robbery" on your anus tonight.

Jeff, get fisted.

Mr. Ace said...

For what? I'm not allowed to stand up for myself? I thought this was America, huh? Isn't this America? I'm sorry, I thought this was America.

Dut, go blow G Bok for financial advice.

GMoney said...

This is a dictatorship. FREE HAT MCCULLOUGH!

G Bok = worst nickname ever

Mr. Ace said...

Ya...I wasn't sure about that one. I should have just said "the other Ginger."

Daniel said...

Chan Gailey = Super Bowl

Mr. Ace said...

There is only one fuckeye I can I love.