Thursday, January 28, 2010

Groom Knows Dick: Photographer

Legendary blogger, Drew Magary, has a blog called "Father Knows Shit". It's pretty much a diary of all the weird and stupid shit that goes on over the course of fatherhood. So I'm sitting around the other day thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, Mrs. Ace will soon be dropping all of these monster bills my way, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing...Groom Knows Dick.

So, I'm getting married in six months. A couple weeks ago I was informed that I would be making the trip up to Toledo with Mrs. Ace to meet with a couple photographers--just how I want to spend my Saturday. So I wake up at the ass crack of dawn so we can make it up to Perrysburg and meet with the first photographer at 10:00 am. We show up, and it's a fucking house. I'm expecting to go to a studio, I think she could afford one with the rapage of her prices, and I show up at this shitty house. We go up to the door and some kid answers the door and tells us to have a seat and offers us something to drink. Nice kid. Then the photog lady comes running down the stares and has absolutely nothing prepared. No albums setting out, no pricing documents, not even a goddamn single photo in eyes view. At this point I have already said no, so I didn't really pay attention once she got her shit together. Actually, I said no right when I saw her because she had such a thick mustache that I had to take a look at her genital region just to make sure she wasn't hiding a cock. I can't have a photographer with a hairy turd under her nose. No sir.

So the first meeting went well, obviously, because it only took about 20 minutes. Our next fucking meeting isn't until 1:00pm because the other photog broad only meets with clients over lunch or dinner. Blow me, lady. So Mrs. Ace gives me the choice of either going shopping(follow her around the mall until I become so much of an ass hole that she no longer wants to shop) or drive 20 minutes south to sit with her dad and watch her 10 year old brother play basketball. Fuck me...basketball it is.

So we are sitting there watching warm-ups and then the players come over and stand in front of the bleachers. I'm confused. Everybody stands up and then this little kid says he is going to lead the group in prayer. Again, fuck me. As if I needed another reminder that I was going to hell...and another reminder why none of my children will ever step foot in a parochial school. Alright, jesus time is over, lets go run up the score on these pussies. Mrs. Ace's brothers team has one good player. He runs a one man full court press by himself, no shit. He doesn't pass unless he inbounds the ball and then he demands to have it back immediately. This kid is a baller and he knows it. I bet he holds hands with at least five different girls every week. This kid was 4-6 from three point range...in the first half. Very impressive. The other coach, not so impressive. The opposing coach is pacing the sidelines like a lunatic and berating the players like they are fucking P.O.W.'s. He was doing everything but cursing them out, which probably would have been less offensive-- Why would jesus let such a bastard coach these kids?-- We stick around for just the first half and then head back up to Toledo, so I don't even get to see if the awesome kid got a triple-double or if the coach got ejected and then assaulted a ref. I'm assuming they both happened.

On the way back to Toledo, something great happens. We are just driving down the road and I take glance to my left. Holy cock and balls, that's a fucking lion in that persons backyard. I pull a U-turn and creep back by this place just to confirm what I saw. Sure enough, there is a sign in front of the place that says something about Exotic Animals. They have a fucking lion! In NW Ohio! Just laying on top of its cage! I just got the greatest idea ever....

But we have a fucking appointment to get to. Let's go eat lunch with these weird people so they can convince us to hire them or something. I'm at least thinking I'm going to get a free meal at B Dub's out of this. Well, at least this photographer had her shit together. She seemed nice enough, but her husband was a total doucher. The kind of guy who is super nerdy and kinda snorts and sniffles when he laughs. I could barely fight the urge to pull his underwear up his ass and give him a swirly. So we are done eating and the waitress comes over and asks how we are doing the bills. I sit there, dead silent, waiting for her to say all on one. She doesn't. That cunt. What kind of person demands you go out to eat for a meeting to discuss her services and then doesn't pick up the tab? That is just stupid. Of course, Mrs. Ace loves her. I can't support that kind of terrible business ethics. I don't care how exquisite and unique her digital photo album is, the bitch didn't pick up the tab...she is dead to me(Which means she is likely our photographer).

But, alas, there is an option C. My mom knows some guy who will do the pictures for half the price. He doesn't have all the high-tech queer shit that the others have --who really needs to be able to look at their wedding pictures online anyways?-- but he does a solid job and you don't have to pay an extra twenty fucking dollars for a single print. And you know what the best part of it all is? With the money we save with my mom's photographer, I can get a fucking lion at my wedding reception! I haven't looked into how much it actually costs, but it can't be more than the difference between my photog and Mrs. Ace's photog. Have you ever seen the Hangover? Of course you have. Did you love it? Of course you did. Would you want to fucking live it? Of course you would. Adding a lion to my wedding reception would be like having commenter Drew roam a playground before the parents found out he was a pedophile, shit is going to get fucked up and somebodies probably going to die. I'm alright with Dustin getting mauled at my reception for trying to feed the lion beer, I'm totally okay with that.

I am determined to make this happen. I have already written threatening emails to Mrs. Ace's choice of photographer. Hopefully they don't find the idea of having their children raped by Drew as enjoyable as Drew does.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GMoney said...

Ah yes, I believe that is known as the "Upward" program where Jesus and hoops finally meet. My nieces and nephews play in this bizarre league...I have no desire to attend.

If you get the lion, I'm sure that Dut can get a whip from his relatives.

Go with the family friend. Trust me, everything costs at least 30% more than you think it will so if you can save money somewhere, do it.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Ace....just hope you have boys...I only go after the girls.

I would not have reacted well to that prayer before a kid's basketball game. I get incredibly angry when someone tries to throw Jesus in my face.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Mr. Ace, you are one funny fucker.

Anonymous said...

--Who in the hell request that you have a meeting only at lunch or dinner, and then doesn't have the courtesy to pick up the tab??? I may have thrown a shit-fit for the ages there, called her out on it, and told her to pack her shit, and don't bother giving us a follow-up call......not good business ethics there..

--LWM

Mr. Ace said...

...I agree with everything you guys have said...which means I am probably stuck with the bitch who didn't pick up the tab. The good news about this is the people that read this here blog and attend the wedding will hopefully pour beer all over her. And then piss on her.

GMoney said...

I still think that you should hire my DJ...or if he's busy, Pauley D. I would love ride on the back of a lion and "beat up the beat".

Anonymous said...

I've said for weeks that if I win the Mega Millions any time soon, that every wedding I attend in the near future I will be paying for Pauley D to DJ it.

Ace...that bitch didn't make you pay for her meal too, did she?

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Fuck no I didn't pay for her meal. That would have made for an awkward and violent situation.

G$, and your DJ even has a whip. I think he would be a great fit. Still the worst DJ I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. What a fag.

I could handle Pauley D and getting rowdy to some house music. Might even pull out my glow sticks.

GMoney said...

Forget that you had to pay for your own food, WHO SCHEDULES "BUSINESS" LUNCHES AT FUCKING B-DUBS???

Since I'm talking wings, I went to Quaker Steak last night on Polaris...holy shit those are some great wings.

Anonymous said...

The best wings in Columbus are at Mad Mex. And its not even close.

G$- wasn't your DJ a fucking loser? Or am I confusing that with somebody elses reception?

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

B Dubs was actually my choice. She let us pick and I wanted to get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. I wasn't allowed to pick Chipotle so I went with B Dubs. And good fucking thing because I was stuck with the goddamn bill.

I need to get out and enjoy some fine Columbus cuisine. Mrs. Ace is on the road tonight for work so I may have to go get some of these wings you speak of.

Tony B. said...

Pauly D DJing your wedding sounds like a great idea.

I thought the only lions in that area were found in Detroit. I hear those lions are tame little bitches though.

There's no way a photographer should make it mandatory to meet over lunch or dinner. She's supposed to gain your business, not create an immediate awkward situation that's going to piss you off.

Anonymous said...

Mad Mex wings are good, but they are at a fucking mexican restaurant.

Best wings in Columbus = Barley's Smokehouse on 33...they are grilled, but they are amazing.

If you like dry rub wings, the cajun dry rub wings at King Avenue Tavern are fucking unreal. The rest of the menu there is pretty damn mediocre, but if you like yourself some dry rub wings they are awesome.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Drew, I like the way you work. I have had Mad Mex's wings once, they were solid. I had some wings at Rusty Bucket in Bexley and they were better then I expected from a place like that...not better than Mad Mex.

I think I may have to hit up Barley's and try them out.

Anonymous said...

Since we are talking food in C-bus..didn't G$ do a blog last year about a place in C-bus.....something like Thurgood's Cafe or something like that.....I have been wanting to go there, but I also hear it's a freakin' mad house of a wait to get in there as well...

--LWM

Mr. Ace said...

Yeah, I think that is the place with the enormous burger. I heard ever since Man vs Food went there it always a ridiculous wait.

Anonymous said...

Thurman's in German Village is what you are asking about. It's a mad house of a wait unless you can gypsy your way to a bar stool or two. That's what I always do.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Thurmans was a mad house wait, 10 years ago. Unless you go at like 430 in the afternoon. But, the Thurman Burger and a basket of pretzel bites are well worth the wait.

Hoffman

GMoney said...

Thurman's is the shit. It is the only reason why Lipitor was created because your arteries will definitely be shrinking when you're done there.

Mad Mex wings? I'll take your word on that. I'm not ordering chicken wings at a mexican restaurant.

Jeff said...

Yea Thurman's is where it's at. It usually does have a long wait, but you can just get pitchers at the bar and drink in the waiting area. They have some arcade games too, if I remember correctly.

Mr. Ace said...

So where are we getting wings at tonight guys?