Thursday, January 14, 2010

Bob Huggins Basketball Camp

Ever since my initial post on freshman basketball, Damman has asked when I would get around to writing about the week spent at Huggy's basketball camp. That day is today. Summer of 1996 is the time. The shithole neighborhood in which the University of Cincinnati resides is this place. Tomfoolery and terribly played basketball is the theme.

When Huggins coached at UC pre-hilarious DUI days, he held a HUGE basketball camp every summer. Schools from all over the state sent players down for 4-5 days of games against other schools. So I guess you could say that this was not like a camp at all considering that there next to no teaching at all. What a fucking rip-off. Anyway, I managed to coerce mom and dad to let me go in a fruitless attempt to make the JV team in the upcoming winter. Late on the third day, I finally saw Bob Huggins. Me and someone else that I can't remember were walking down an empty hallway in an auxiliary gym before a game and there was the lush, walking straight toward us.

15 year old G$: Hey Coach!
Bob Huggins: Don't even fucking look at me, you little bitch. You aren't even black. You haven't even tried to steal my wallet or watch yet. You could NEVER play for the Bearcats.

I may have embellished Huggy Bear's quote there considering that I don't remember what he said to me. He probably blew me off though. Asshole. There were three separate great events from that week where we stayed in one of the UC dorms. Allow me to share:

Chapter 1: Hazing the Seniors
-Like I said, I was going into my sophomore year and had very little basketball talent. I can't stress this enough. If memory serves me, we had just gotten back from our last game of the day and I thought it would be a great move to steal (I believe) after hours commenter, Hoffman's, towel while he was in the shower. Mission accomplished as I snagged it and threw it down 3 flights of stairs. Man, it was going to be hilarious watching him scurry down the stairs nude to get his towel. The only problem was that it wasn't Hoffman in the shower. No, it just so happened to be the starting Senior PG on the varsity team (who was pretty good but a world class asshole) who we will call "Bird". So instead of a harmless joke on one of fellow JV'ers, I ended up starting a goddamned war with the varsity. I figured that I was destined for a swirlie or at least a punch in the face. But pussy-ass Bird did nothing. He knew right away that it was me. Someone narced me out. Yet he did nothing. I like to think it's because he respected my awesomeness and future blogging prowess. In reality, Bird is a flaming fucking faggot. Shitty player 1, Good player 0.

Chapter 2: Our coach is a creeper
-Since our team, which was comprised of JV'ers and future non-basketball players, we played in the lower division. Thus, we always had to play on the shitty courts. We didn't even sniff UC's actual floor but then again, we didn't deserve to play there. None of us were carrying felony convictions (BURN!). So most of our games are in adjacent gyms or a fieldhouse or something else that wasn't a primary basketball facility. One of our games was in said fieldhouse in which there was an indoor track right next to the sideline. UC's track team was practicing or some shit at the same time we were playing. There were some coeds running by off and on for awhile. Rune, my dorm roommate for the week, was somehow allowed by our asshole AITF coach to occasionally say shit to him that players normally would not say to their coach. Like this:
Rune - If you dive for a ball here, you could lose a nipple (on the track surface)
(a few chicks run by)
Coach AITF - Speaking of nipples...
It was easily one of the top 5 creepiest things that I've ever heard someone older than me say. And if you were wondering, I guarantee that we lost that game.

Chapter 3: Tournament MVP's
-The last day or two of the "camp" is reserved for a big ass tournament. I don't know if you won anything if your team triumphed or not. You probably got an ass-grab from Huggins or something. Anyway, we had one of our tourney games at 9 am. It didn't go as I had planned.
Rune: What time is it?
G$: 9:52
Rune: What time is our game?
G$: 9
Together: OH FUCK!
Yes, we slept through the game. I think we were out of the dorm in under a minute, sprinting to the gym in some ill-conceived hope that the game was still going on or was delayed or something. It was not. Right by Nippert Stadium, our teammates were walking toward us. They were not amused. In fact, I have never seen Damman more pissed off in my life. It was hilarious. I think that they actually won the game, too, but I think it didn't really count for them since I wasn't there to enjoy it. We had a game a couple of hours later. Rune and I managed to make it to that one. Coach AITF didn't even yell at us. It wasn't worth his time, I suppose. He just sarcastically coffee-breathed out a "glad you two could make it". I'm pretty sure that I didn't play in that game (which would be our last for the camp). If I did, I bet that I racked up at least a "trillion" of some denomination. The rest of the team was pissed because they were exhausted. It was our fault. But God dammit, I needed my sleep!

All that being said, it was a solid week. Granted, it was the last time that I would play hoops for NHS, but still...good times. And I don't think that Rune and I should be taking all the blame for the sleeping fiasco either. Someone could have knocked on the fucking door. THE BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS.


Grumpy said...

For some reason I find a perverse pleasure in reading these tales about your fucked up youth.

GMoney said...

Spending time at a Bob Huggins-sanctioned event will do that to you.

MuDawgfan said...

They had the same type of camp at UGA and most of the schools from our county would all go and compete.

The hilarious part of the camp was when we had to play one of the "urban elite" teams from the southside of Atlanta. You started the game knowing that you were going to lose by 25-35 points. BUT HEY! You got valuable practice time trying to break their press!

Whatever. I'm sure they're all dead or in jail.

Mr. Ace said...

I figured you and Bird would be best friends, you guys are like twins. You're lucky you didn't steal KG's towel, he would have kicked your ass.

Your stories are pretty weak though. Hopefully commenter Lange will be on today and share some of his because his are actually funny.

Anonymous said...

I should point out that the reason we were all pissed at G$ for missing the game was because we had to play in a 10,000 degree gym with 5 players. It had nothing to do with his "skils" on the court. Just wanted to clarify that.

Our senior was much cooler due the fact of one of the seniors (we'll call him KS) wiping his ass with a sophomore's towel (we'll call him Chubbs) and then Chubbs using it.


Anonymous said...

Oh, G$ and Bird are still very close to this day. They often go on bike rides together.


Anonymous said...

My favorite moment at this camp was after a fantastic Cincinnati Reds game...which I am sure they won. Anyway, a bunch of teams from the camp were treated to a Cincinnati Reds game. It was a night game so the game was not over until 10:30 or so. We were taken to the game on a city bus and brought back by the same bus. On the way back from the game we were given the "scenic" tour of downtown Cincinnati. This tour happened to lead us where riots hadd occurred when a white cop had shot a black man and killed him. Well, needless to say our bus was full of nothing but white kids. We were being yelled at and flipped off and all that good stuff. But, then it turned in to real fun when they started throwing rocks at our bus, one of them big enough to bust out one of the back windows. I dont think the bus driver stopped at any red lights and took us straight to campus. I thought for a little while I was going to be shot at a Bob Huggins bball camp.

One other quick story.

They held a dunk competition one of the days we were there and Scott Damman, I don't know if he's any relation to commenter Damman, decided he would try to enter it. He went up for his first dunk and did... a reverse fucking layup and missed it. Priceless. The whole camp was laughing at the kid.

Oh and how about that Chapman signing...the Reds will be significant in 3 years....mark my words.

Sorry about the long post


GMoney said...

Weak stories? I was 15! Sleeping through a basketball game is not weak.

You are allowed to say Spieth here. But don't say his name three times. If you do, he shows up like Beetlejuice.

I only ride bikes with Bird's father. We both wear assless chaps.

Tony B. said...

Now I know what I missed out on after moving away in 4th grade. I suppose it was for best as Bob Huggins' basketball camp sounds shitty.

I can't believe a senior let you get away with taking his towel. That would not fly in 99% of basketball programs.

Dustin said...

Spieth spieth spieth

GMoney said...

God dammit, Dut, now that asshole is going to try to marry Winona Ryder!

Mr. Ace said...

I miss Spieth. I think we need to hire him to be the host for the DFL draft next year. I think that was the one thing that really killed the JFL, no Spieth.

GMoney said...

I agree. There is no finer man when it comes to making off-color, racist, sexist, and insensitive remarks. He would be the perfect host.