Friday, January 29, 2010

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

Sometimes you just have to love the boys in blue. They keep us safe. They put their lives on the line everyday to make sure that us citizens are not threatened by the thugs of society.

Take Officer Vernon Wolford here for example. He was so concerned about the ills and dregs of society that he took initiative. He took the slogan "Protect and Serve" to a whole new level. You see, Officer Wolford (of south Columbus suburb, Obetz) was told to pick up some little hellraiser on a warrant. He did his job and collared the bitch. But then he took matters into his own hands.

The officer pulled off onto a side street. He explained to the criminal that he would make a deal with her. He would let her go with one rule. She had to blow him first. She obliged and sucked the pants off of him. When the job was finished, Officer Wolford decided that he was going to reneg on his end and took her to jail anyway. The entire time she was in jail, she was screaming about what the officer did to her. No one believed her though. Why would they? She was the one with the open warrant out for her arrest. But then things got a bit dicey. The gumshoe made one major mistake.

Officer Wolford left some of his DNA on her shoe. A crime lab confirmed. Clothes with ejaculate on it...not just for the White House anymore! Yeah, he's fucked.

So this fine policeman is staring some jail time (max of 5 years) square in the face. Sexual battery is clearly no laughing matter...except in this case when it most definitely is.

This is exactly why I could never be a cop. I GUARANTEE that I would become a dirty cop within weeks of the job. No doubt about it. I wouldn't necessarily request toothy blowjobs, but if I pulled someone over and they had a sandwich or a CD or a few bucks, I would surely take it and rip up the ticket. Especially for a sandwich. I want that sandwich, dammit. I could even see this scenario taking place.

G$: Mr. Clarett, do you know why I pulled you over?
Mo: (pointing an Uzi at me) No, honky.
G$: You were driving 115 in a 65 and swerving all over the place.
Mo: Fuck you, pig.
G$: I'll tell you what, you are clearly drunk and I see at least ten guns right now, but I am going to let you off with a warning if you give me the rest of that bottle of Grey Goose.
(And then he would shoot me in the face because no one takes Mo's Goose)

But back to Vernon Wolford for a minute. You may think that his story could not get any better, but it can. This time last year, Wolford was a security guard in MY OFFICE BUILDING!!! I saw this guy everyday. I said "hello" to him at least once a week! I know an actual sex offender! This is hilarious. I could not be prouder right now. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to spend the rest of the day looking at women in the building and wondering if they ever traded sexual favors with this guy. May you all have better weekends than Vernon Wolford.


MuDawgFan said...

Which begs the questions - how many women (men?) blew him when they forgot ID cards and needed to get to work???

This is a great story. Columbus, Ohio is the cradle of American culture

Anonymous said...

I was always wondering how Lil strut got away with that underage!


Anonymous said...

maybe G$ liked his pretty mouth too!!

Mr. Ace said...

I totally would have blown that trooper to get out of my DUI... I don't know why I didn't offer.

On a separate note, I went to Thurman's last night. It was pretty good, I wouldn't say great. But the place was pretty cool, nice atmosphere. Got a spot at the bar so i didn't have to wait 2 hours. Overall, great place, good burger, but it wasn't out of this world good.

Anonymous said...


I reccomend you keep going back until you find your "go to" burger. However, I would not reccomend doing it for another 2-3 weeks, so your arteries have a chance to clear up.

The variety and overall consistency in quality there is unmatched. There is a reason it has been on Man v. Food and I just saw it on "Chowdown Countdown" the other day, too.

I knew I was going to law school. I could not have that shit on my record!

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

That's an interesting question that Ace posed: would you blow a cop to get out of a DUI?

I would definitely say no...unless I killed a bunch of people then I would think about it.

Anonymous said...

I don't think I would do that to get out of a DUI, but I'd have to consider it if my DUI resulted in a death or someone paralyzed or something. Then I'd have to consider it, because what's to say that blowing the cop actually kept me from getting my ass hole destroyed by Tyrone while I'm in prison? Safe ass hole plus no legal ramifications of the DUI = I'm probably blowing a cop.

My go to burger at Thurman's is the Johnny burger as it comes with a shot of Cuervo. How many times can you order a meal and get a free shot of tequila with it? A couple of years ago I sat at the bar with a couple of guys from noon until around 9 p.m....drank a boatload of booze adn had lunch and dinner there.....the next day wasn't pleasant.


Mr. Ace said...

I had the A-1 burger...I don't remember the last time I had a steak and A-1 sounded great. I will definitely go back and find my one true love.

On another separate note, to the delight of everyone, Jersey Shore Season 2 is a GO!!!

Grumpy said...

About what I would expect in Obetz.

Jeff said...

They're gonna want you to "blow" anyways with a DUI, I guess "blowing" has different meanings.

Cecilio's Scribe said...

that's fantastic...that you know this fine steward of our justice system/infrastucture

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