Friday, October 30, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: Halloween


Last night was my first ever Trick-or-Treating as a homeowner. I'm not going to lie, I didn't do anything. I just sat on the couch, scratched my nuts, and kept stealing candy bars out of our dish. I like to think that I was saving America's youth from a lifelong struggle with Diabetes. In that respect, I am quite the humanitarian. But if you look at it another way, I was really just stealing candy from kids. I can live with both of these traits.

I will say this though: at least the first Halloween as a homeowner is awesome. I got drug to the grocery store with She$ the other week and I was drifting in and out of consciousness while pushing the cart. "Can you help me find the shampoo that I have a coupon for?" What? No. I'll be in the frozen pizza aisle. And, of course, I was completely out of it until she said that it was time to pick out Halloween candy.

Kroger has an insanely large candy aisle for this time of year and I was the proverbial kid in the candy store. I started yelling at the wife not to get Smarties because those things are horseshit. I approved KitKats, Reese's, Nestle Crunch, and Snickers AKA the Mount Rushmore of trick or treating (although Twix reigns supreme over all...it was not on sale though). She snuck in a few bags of SweetTarts because she is a retard that likes eating flavored chalk. I think we got into an argument about Milky Ways. I find them to be awful, and she likes awful candy. I won that round. I still can't get over the fact that She$ likes candy corn and those heart-shaped antacids that they sell around Valentine's Day. Sometimes I think that she was lucky to marry me.

For all you aspiring homeowners waiting for your first Halloween and fat distribution, these are can't miss:
-Awesome: Snickers, Nestle Crunch, KitKat, Reese's anything, Butterfingers, Nerds, Baby Ruth, 100 Grand, the underrated PayDay, Twix...you know, pretty much anything with a crunch is acceptable
-Fruit: fruit is a perfectly good thing to give out as long as you consider Starburst, Skittles, and the elusive Spree as fruit...which I most certainly do
-Unacceptable: Three Musketeers, Milky Way, Bit-O-Honey (worst candy ever), homemade popcorn balls, suckers, random grab bags that feature a bunch of shit candy, and who could forget those weirdo caramel-thingy's in the generic orange and black wrappers. If you know anyone who gives out those turds, you should report them to the authorities. I would rather eat a Snickers stuffed with razorblades than those caramels.

Like I said, I left the dispensing to the wife since I got home from work an hour into trick-or-treating. Here's the thing though. I freely admit that I was still going door to door in costume trolling for candy with my buddies until I was 16. Too old, you say? Fuck you. My neighbors gave out the good shit. Any kid can walk up to a door in a GoBots costume. It takes a real winner to knock on someone's door wearing a ghoul mask and standing 6 feet tall begging for not one but two Twix, bitch. Anyway, should I be a stickler over this in the future? Surely there are teenagers still doing this. Getting free candy might be America's new pasttime. I don't want to turn someone away and then wake up the next morning with toilet paper in the trees and "BALD ASSHOLE" spray-painted on the door like Larry David.

Fuck it, I would probably just cave in and give them candy. After all, I once went trick-or-treating with Cramer who didn't wear any costume at all but proudly told everyone in the neighborhood that he was "Phil from Pantera". Worst costume ever. Moral of the story? Buying candy is awesome, eating leftover candy is even better, and don't buy shitty candy that you do not want to eat yourself (York peppermint patties come to mind).

***Good luck to The Wig Master tomorrow as he is getting married. I will be there putting down copious amounts of whiskey and potentially waving my penis around. We'll play it by ear though. At least for the whiskey part...Spike is definitely getting a Danza Slap.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Still Your Daddy


(This is what a shithead looks like.)

Words really can not describe how much I hate Pedro Martinez. I spent over an hour tonight trying to decide if I hated him more than Schilling. What came out of it was me giving She$ the Jim Brown treatment. A few notes on game 2:

*Pedro was awful. You can say what you want to but the guy sucked. How do I know this? Fucker got the loss. No gray area with me on Pedro. He's a loser and he always has been. FUCK THIS GUY.

*On the other side, it was nice to finally find out what AJ stands for...Awesome Juice. And he was fucking awesome tonight. That is why he gets paid the big bucks. Burnett has some of the nastiest, filthiest shit in baseball when he is on. And he was fucking on tonight with the exception of a couple of cheap hits.

*Hey, it was a Grady Little sighting! Why in the hell did the country-fried manager leave Pedro in for the 7th? The guy is 80 years old! Very Girardi-ian move right there.

*Chan Ho Park = child molester

*Chase Utley's hair = really awful

*The Yankees are starting to hit now (STOP STRIKING OUT, ASSHOLES). A couple of pitchers coming up who pitch to contact...I expect at worst a split over the next two games.

*After the second inning, I took the game in my hands. The Yankees were playing like shit when I was sober. By God, it was up to me to change the momentum and after 7 beers...victory. Looks like I'm getting shitfaced for the rest of this series. Because I'm a superstitious sumbitch, you see.

Hamels/Pettitte? I like those odds.

Ouch


Pretty shitty night at the Money Mansion last night. Between the Yankees looking like a fecal plumb, the CBJ losing at home to a terrible Phoenix team, and the Cavs dropping to 0-2 with a piss-poor performance north of the border, there were not many smiles coming from this blogger last night. Notes:

*He's good, but I hate Cliff Lee. Fucking redneck. People with an "aww shucks" demeanor about them should be castrated.

*Dear CC, throwing fastballs right down the gut to Chase "Mac's Boyfriend" Utley is an awful idea. Just awful. But even with less than pinpoint control last night, the big man still pitched very well.

*Phil Hughes needs to stop getting put into close games. I am getting sick of his nightly implosions.

*The Cavs were -23 in points when Shaq was on the floor last night. Can we trade this guy yet?

*Nick Swisher is still awful.

*God dammit, 24. Why do you insist on bringing back Kim Bauer? She is fucking awful. And thanks for completely ruining the "cliff hanger" that Jack was dead. Nice touch though by bringing in The Shield's David Acevada.

*How dare the Yankees disappoint their #1 fan (this postseason) in Kurt Russell.

*It's one game and it made Clifton Lee a $20 million dollar man next year, but tonight is a must win. I take solace knowing that AJ Burnett takes the bump to stop the bleeding. Dear God, we're going to be down 0-2 tonight. Nah, fuck that. Fuck Pedro. This isn't over.

Quarterback Wanted


So, in the past three weeks, I have climbed from 11th place in the G$FL all the way up to third (technically, fourth, but I already beat Dut once and he has only scored one more point than me this year and thus I am better). It is no coincidence that the domination of Tom Brady has led to this resurgence. But, alas, Tawwwwwmmy has a bye this week yet I need to keep the ball rolling and continue my string of success. Initially, my backup was Kerry Collins. But that drunk fuck is now going to at least be splitting time with Suicide Young. So it is time to scour the waiver wire. And I play Dut again this week...and he must go down again. My options on the open market:

Jake Delhomme
PRO - My league does not penalize for turnovers
CON - Sucks, plays the Cardinals again, really sucks

Alex Smith
PRO - looked good last week, has pretty solid weapons with Davis and Crabtree
CON - plays at Indy, also sort of sucks, SMALL HANDS!!!

Matthew Stafford
PRO - plays the Rams, plays at home
CON - is Megatron playing?, fat face, plays for the Lions

Marc Bulger
PRO - plays the Lions, was a good QB 7 years ago
CON - sucks, always in jeopardy of getting hurt, has no decent wide receivers

As you can see, none of these options are desirable. But for a one week band-aid, one of them will have to do. I guess my question is, what would you do in my spot? Well, other than eat a bacon sandwich and then kill yourself.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

World Series (Homer) Preview


(Wait a minute, Swish! That champagne is not Korbel!!!)

Let's get this shit going! I'm beyond ready for this World Series to start. We all know the players involved and the obnoxious cities that accompany each team. It should be interesting at least based on the star power alone. I wonder how many times McCarver will tell us that someone told him that some day Robinson Cano will win a batting title. My guess is at least twice an inning. Let's breakdown the Phillies and the Yankees.

Offense - Pretty close actually. They both have big sticks and can play small ball when necessary. Both teams have guys that you can't get out right now with Howard and Baseball Jesus. The Yankees weakness in the lineup is the ice cold Swisher while I don't trust Carlos Ruiz and Pedro Feliz and whoever they use at DH.
Advantage - Yankees

Defense - I don't follow baseball closely enough to worry about fielding percentages. What I do know is that Mark Teixeira is an outstanding defensive first basemen, Jorge Posada is a terrible catcher, and the Yankees have rotten arms in the outfield. I know nothing of the Phillies in the field.
Advantage - Phillies

Starters - CC is by far the best pitcher in the postseason. AJ is an enigma and Pettitte is a bulldog. It will be interesting to see how Cliff Lee pitches tonight but I am not worried about Pedro and the erratic Cole Hamels at all. Sounds like both teams will be going with 3 man rotations. I have no idea why the Phils aren't starting JA Happ.
Advantage - Yankees

Bullpen - Mariano Rivera or Brad Lidge...who would you take? Lidge already blew two saves against the Yankees this year. The Yankees have better setup men as well.
Advantage - Yankees

Manager - Joe Girardi likes to consult his binders of doom. Charlie Manual likes to consult his jug of XXX moonshine and Charlie Daniels records. Neither of these guys are very smart. Girardi is much less smart.
Advantage - Phillies

Fans - Both of these teams have REAL baseball fans and I like a series in which a true fanbase can be rewarded. Philly fans and New York fans have their downfalls, but here is what I like. The Phils have the It's Always Sunny guys on their side. The Yanks have Nicholson, Jay-Z, LeBron, Kate Hudson, and Rudy G. Tough call...my allegiance breaks the tie.
Advantage - Yankees

Awesomeness - The Yankees have shaving cream pies and Swish's mohawk. The Phillies have Matt Stairs (possibly my favorite player ever).
Advantage - Phillies

Annoyance - I hate Pedro Martinez with the fire of ten suns. Shane Victorino should (insert your own Hawaiian stereotype). The Yankees do not annoy me.
Advantage - Yankees

Deserving? - Both teams are more than deserving of a title. The Phils are going for a repeat and lost Harry Kalas this year. The Yankees have been exorcising their playoff demons this postseason. I have a feeling that if the Yanks pull this out, Bob Sheppard and Big Stein will die within the week.
Advantage - Push

What happens? - Everyone is picking the Yankees in 6 or 7. I am biased. I don't think it goes that long. This is the Yankees year. We all know it. We've all seen it. An team from the inferior NL isn't going to win back-to-back titles. The Yankees are going to win the World Series in 5 games. The starting pitching is just THAT much better. You can't start Pedro in a World Series in these days and expect to win. I like A-Rod to win the World Series MVP. I like Joe Girardi to win the least valuable manager award. Start spreadin' the news...the Yankees are winning another title. Suck on that, homos.

Belated NBA Preview


I can't decide which is funnier, Mike Brown or Z? By the way, I know blackface Shaq.

Sorry about getting this up a day late for the handful of readers that actually enjoy the NBA product. I called off work sick yesterday (crossing my fingers that I have Swine Flu...that would be awesome). But while this post is going up at midnight, it is being written before the games start. In fact, I am listening to Woody Paige talk about the NBA right now so obviously no one is helping me with this. We'll just talk about the Cavs and then a quick prediction at the end.

It's been a strange offseason for the Cavs. There has been some good: Shaq coming in, solid signings of Moon, Powe, and Parker, they didn't lose much, LeBron should be pissed off after last season's playoff failure. There has also been a lot of bad: everything surrounding Delonte West, Shaq doesn't know the plays, Mo Williams is banged up already, Mike Brown is still an enigma, Jon Kuester was not replaced by another offensive guru. I'm a little nervous about this season. Maybe it's the Redskin fan in me, but something doesn't feel right. Who knows, maybe later tonight, the Cavs beat the Celtics by 20 and I'm all boners and bukakke about the season.

They aren't going to win 66 games again this year. Honestly, I don't want them to. As bad as this sounds, I don't want them to kill themselves every night. They are going to be in the playoffs. That much I know. Last year, they ran out of steam. This year, you have to give Shaq nights off. Same with Big Z. And if there is a guy available at the deadline, don't hesitate to wheel and deal with Ilgauskus (who will surely be bought out and then could return to the Cavs a month later). This season needs to be treated like a "last shot for glory". Because the elephant in the room is still there. This is a win at all cost year. It absolutely HAS to happen this year because July 1st is a scary ass day. On to the predictions:

EAST
15. Milwaukee - This team really sucks.
14. New York - D'Antoni-Ball does not work.
13. Charlotte - Michael Jordan has no idea what he's doing
12. New Jersey - How funny is it that the owner is a Russian billionaire?
11. Detroit - When will everyone realize that Joe Dumars set the organization back 3 years with his God awful free agent signings?
10. Indiana - WHITEWASH!!!
9. Philadelphia - Is it just me or is Andre Iguodala not that good?
8. Toronto - They'll do just enough that...well, Bosh is still leaving.
7. Miami - Jermaine O'Neal sucks balls.
6. Chicago - Going in the right direction but not well-coached.
5. Washington - Big time redemption season.
4. Atlanta - It's a good team, nothing special. Jamal Crawford will be solid playing the 2.
3. Boston - This team got really old, really quick. Fuck Rasheed.
2. Cleveland - They will take a few nights off this season. I won't be upset.
1. Orlando - Surprisingly got deeper in the offseason but losing Hedo will eventually catch up to them.

WEST
15. Sacramento - By far, the worst team in basketball.
14. Minnesota - I like Jonny Flynn to win ROY since Griffin is hurt already.
13. Memphis - Allen Iverson AND Zach Randolph? What an offseason!!!
12. Golden State - This team is a fucking mess. Don Nelson is just collecting a paycheck at this point.
11. Phoenix - I just think that they suck.
10. Oklahoma City - They are a year away. Seriously. This team has been built the right way.
9. Houston - As Peter King would stupidly say, they lead the league in grit.
8. Denver - George Karl teams always seem to blow up.
7. LA Clippers - Lot of talent there. I would have put them higher with a healthy Griffin.
6. Portland - Eh, whatever.
5. Dallas - Again, eh.
4. New Orleans - Chris Paul f'n rules. Byron Scott f'n sucks.
3. Utah - Jerry Sloan has never won the coach of the year award. Mike Brown has.
2. San Antonio - This team is loaded but they like to rest their older guys. They know that they don't need homecourt.
1. LA Lakers - I don't care, I would rather have Ariza than Artest.

MVP - Chris Paul
Coach - Jerry Sloan finally
Rookie - Jonny Flynn
FINALS!!! - Cavaliers over the Spurs says my heart. Cavaliers over the Spurs also says my head. This is the year. Stern rewarded the Celtics and Kobe the last two years. It's time that he makes things right with The King. Suck on that, Ace. GO CAVS!!!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

BC-ACE Week 2: The Week Nobody Will Remember

Were there even any games played Saturday? I can honestly tell you that I don't remember watching a single play of college football on Saturday. Unlike most of you, I have a valid reason for my lack of viewing...I was unconscious. I got up to Ann Arbor a little before noon and began tailgating for the 3:30 matchup against Penn State. I thought it would be a good idea to mix an entire bottle of Captain Morgan with three cans of Pepsi and carry around a giant jug of this mixture while tailgating. I also thought it would be a good idea to chug this mixture in just over two hours and then move on to some beers and flip cup. These were not good ideas, in fact, they were very poor ideas.

I spent my Saturday passed out in a pickup truck covered in my own vomit...I assume your Saturday was not as bad as mine, but it couldn't have been much better if you spent it watching football. But the show must go on, here are your Week 2 BC-ACE rankings:

Ace's Bottom Bitch: Alabama. I'm sticking with them, there is really no reason not to. If it weren't for Mark Ingram giving up his first fumble since he was seven years old then they would have easily iced away a comfortable 12-3 lead. I just can't bring myself to punish any team that beats a team associated with Lane Kiffin's faggot ass. Bama gets a week off before taking on LSU. This is bad news for LSU.

2. Florida. Why not? They didn't look great but they endured Mississippi State's best shot and still remain undefeated. Plus, I think they may have been looking forward to the world's largest cock tease party, or whatever they call it now, coming up Saturday. Tim Tebow is kind of terrible, seriously.

3. Texas. They slaughtered Missouri. The same Missouri team that took down powerhouses like Bowling Green and Illinois this year. Texas sucks. I really hope they lose at Okie State Saturday because I really don't want to watch another Big 12 team get destroyed in the National Title game again.

4. TCU. I love TCU. Like give Gary Patterson a rimjob love TCU. In the only marquee matchup of the week, a game in which BYU was looking to avenge the beatdown TCU handed them last year, TCU came out and dominated the way a great team should. TCU has made it very clear that they do not intend to take any team lightly the rest of the way. Mark it down, this team is BCS bound.

5. Cincinnatti. Did they even play Saturday? I don't plan on talking about Cincy in detail until after they play West Virginia November 13th.

6. Iowa. All they do is win. It's not pretty, but they get it done. I hate to say this, but Iowa kind of reminds me of the Fuckeyes back win Fuckeye nation liked Tressel. But needing last second heroics against Sparty is unacceptable if you want to be a top 5 team.

7. Georgia Tech. It is great to see the triple option coming back to the big time. I don't know if there is a defense out there that can stop them. The ACC is extremely underrated this year and if you look at their resume you can't help but be impressed with what they have done. Tech should be able to cruise until they meet up with UGA on Nov. 28th. No way they don't end up inside the top 5 by the end of the year.

8. USC. I keep waiting for USC to prove me wrong but they refuse to prove their worth to me. Oregon State is not a terrible team, but they certainly are not the kind of team that should be within six points of USC when USC is playing at home. They really are not the kind of team that should be putting up 36 points on the Trojans. Pete Carroll needs to quit banging song girls and coach his boys up. Who am I kidding? Keep banging out those sluts, Pete.

9. Boise State. HOLY SHIT! They beat Hawaii by 45! They should be in the National Championship game! What's that? June Jones coaches SMU now? The only FBS team that Hawaii has beat this year is Washington State. Boise State gets no credit for beating Hawaii. None.

10. LSU. Who the fuck else goes here? Where is Ryan Perrilloux when the Lesticles needs him? Wow, I can't believe I forgot about that kid. He is the perfect Pryor reference and I have missed it for the last year and a half. Perrilloux had 252 total yards and one TD at Florida State this year. Does anybody think that Pryor could even come close to that output? Didn't think so. And Perrilloux did it with the enormous talent of a D-17 Jackson State squad. I know, this has nothing to do with LSU this year...but they aren't really relevant anyways.

121. Washington Redskins. The Redskins would get rolled by Miami of Oxford and North Texas. You know the Redskins are fucking terrible when, as an Eagles fan, I am embarrassed that we only beat that Daniel Snyder abortion by 10 points.

Here are the BC-ACE Week 1 rankings if you are interested. Which you most certainly are.

Dumper's Remorse


Have you ever heard the phrase, "Dumper's Remorse"? Of course you haven't. I made it up a couple of years ago. I was reminded of this great term this past weekend and it is pretty much me at my creative best.

Dumper's Remorse (noun) - the feeling you get after you take a dump when you realize that you ended too soon and immediately need to sit back on the bowl to finish the job the right way

I have the same feeling watching the Redskins right now. No matter how bad things are and that things can't get any worse, there's Antwaan Randle Cockbreath fielding a punt with his facemask.

Now, most of you got to watch the Redskins for the first time tonight. Pretty fucking bad, huh? Jason Campbell is scared shitless every time he drops back. None of our starting offensive linemen could play for any other team. Chris Cooley got hurt. Clinton Portis aged two decades over the past few months. The defense actually played pretty well but that could have been because Donovan McNabb was usual terrible self. It's a pretty bad scene as you already knew.

The only bad part about this season is that I can't just sit back on the john for another 5 minutes and end it. Nope. I'm stuck with this weekly Remorse for the next 2+ months.

The 2009 Washington Redskins: 16 weeks of Dumper's Remorse. No matter what happens, there is always more shit.

Monday, October 26, 2009

The Worst Of Week 7 Vol.III


By the way, I'm watching the 4th quarter of the Falcons/Cowboys right now and am just appalled by the douchiness of Keith Brooking. He is behaving like a fucking child out there. Not to go all Joe Buck, but it is disgusting. Be a fucking pro. Yeah, we get it. You used to play for the Falcons and they didn't want you anymore because you suck. But football is a business and you should know that. God, I hate the Cowboys. I was generally upset when Tony Romo wasn't hurt when he got hit in the neck. Why? Because these guys are all classless shitheads. Ugh.

Maybe I'm just worked up because I saw one of the worst performances by a unit that I have ever seen on Saturday. As many of you know, I was in Oxford this weekend for homecoming and caught the epic Northern Illinois/Miami donnybrook. The Hawks lost 27-22 and I hope that Tony B took my advice and took Vegas to the cleaners on that bet. Our losing streak has now reached a century (it seems). We just can't stop stepping on our dicks. All of these things happened to our special teams unit in one game (and to think, if they avoid two of these, they probably end the streak):
-a punt return for TD allowed
-a punt return taken back inside our ten yard line which led to a TD
-a poor kickoff coverage that NIU took back over the 50 which led to points
-a blocked extra point
-TWO missed chip-shot field goals (one of which was blocked)
And we lost by 5. God dammit. I hate rooting for a loser. I just want the streak to end. Looks like it will next week when Mr. Queer's UT Rockets come down to O-Diggity. Which leads me to the worst of week 7:

5. JaMarcus Russell - It's about fucking time that he got benched. No one turns the ball over more hilariously than JaMarcus. How bad do you have to be to hear these words: "take a seat, we're going with Bruce Gradkowski"? JaMarcus Russell-bad apparently.

4. Jake Delhomme - JaMarcus may be the funniest turnover machine in the league, but Jakey-poo is a close second. I would rather have Farrah Fawcett ass cancer than have Delhomme quarterback my team. This guy is doing a fantastic Rex Grossman impression this season. When in doubt, throw it deep into triple coverage! It's a bold strategy and apparently it leads to embarassing home losses to the Goddamn Bills. Poor John Fox...he's going to get fired because upper management thought that this shithead was worth a contract extension.

3. Matt Ryan - Damn you, Ice. Damn you to Hell. Thanks a lot for playing like shit yesterday. Sure, I was going against you in fantasy. But, I would have loved it if you had not sucked and made a much-anticipated NFC showdown into a snoozer.

2. Brett Favre - Now THAT is the Wrangler that we all know and love! I was laughing maniacally in the mansion after his fumble-six which he kindly followed up with his pick-six. The gunslinger sure was slinging up some defensive touchdowns in the 4th quarter. Glorious. But I will admit, the Vikes played even with the champs for most of that game. But, of course, they are no Super Bowl contender due to the land baron chucking shitty pass after shitty pass in the clutch. By the way, All Day lighting up William Gay...awesome. If you don't get a boner watching Peterson play football, you are a homo. Does that make sense? It makes perfect sense. FUCK YOU, BRETT!

1. Everyone associated with the Chicago Bears - Everyone. The city of Chicago, Bill Swerski, Tony B., Lovie, Red Grange, Smokey the Bear...all of you were the worst of the weekend. You all just let Cedric Benson shove his boating DUI'ed cock up your collective asses. That was just an abortion of a performance. Possibly the worst game I've seen any team play this year. It is amazing how awesome Jay Cutler is in wins and how rotten he is in losses. He's like a grumpier Tony Romo. Except that he can't have sugar and has twice as many chins. The Bears blow. Someone tell Matt Forte to stop playing like the Bears version of Ced Benson.

Oh God. I just realized that I have to watch the Redskins tonight. I think that I would rather be raped.

4 More, Boys...


Hell yes. We're going back to the World Series. Great ALCS...the Yankees just made more plays. I fucking hate playing the Angels. Bring on the Phillies. They won't be able to get A-Rod out either.

Friday, October 23, 2009

An ACEterview With The Birthmarked Bandit and "The Biggest Douche Bag in The Place"

MR.ACE: Wow. It is such a pleasure to be hanging out with two of the top on-air talents at the World Wide Leader. And even better to be getting a tour around Bristol.
Steve Phillips: Well, I don't know if we are quite the top on-air talent here...but we are pretty awesome.
Erik Kuselias: Yeah, you would think that everybody would know who I am, but everybody always confuses me with this guy whose last name must be Douche...sucks to be that guy.
ME: I know, I was joking. You guys are fucking terrible. Pam Ward is twice the man that both of you are.

ME: Let's just get right down to it, what is it with you ESPN talking heads and production assistants? You know you can just go buy a hooker and it will be a lot less hassle.
EK: Do you understand what we have going on here?
ME: I think so...
EK: Steve, he has no clue. Come on Ace, let me show you around this place.
ME: Alright, let's get this tour going.

EK: Over here, we have the newbie department. Young ladies who have been with the company for less than three months.
ME: Okay? So this is where all the "grunt" work gets done? Getting coffee, research?
SP: More like salad tossing and nut gobbling!
ME: What?
EK: Yeah, this is where we break in all the new talent. We have to find out early if these girls are ESPN material.
SP: If the newbs can't crank out Cleveland Steamers in record time then they just don't belong here.
EK: Yeah, if these ladies can't produce then we send them over to Fox News with all those wannabe skanks.
SP:...fucking posers.
ME: So the WWL is just like a sex ring for recent grads? No wonder Terico stayed here so long.

ME: Whoa, what goes on over here? Why are all these girls covered in mayonnaise, maple syrup, and vomit?
SP: Oh, that's Berman's office.
EK: Proceed with caution.
ME: I think I've had enough of this tour.
EK: Oh come on, we haven't even gotten to Linda Cohn's lair.
ME: Count me out.

ME: I don't even know where to go from here. I'll just ask, why?
SP: There is just something about those sexy college girls fresh out of school. They are still in their prime and don't have saggy tits like my wife.
ME: Umm, Steve. Is this the girl that you are referring to?
SP: Yeah, I totally banged her.
ME: I would have rather stuck my dick in a dead manatee...maybe even a Rhinoceros.
EK: Seriously, I almost killed myself when I put it to Dana Jacobson. But that bitch makes Dana look like...well...a less ugly and less manlier version of Dana Jacobson. Dammit.
ME: Pipe down, doucher. I will get to you later. But Steve, was this the only one you could get to sleep with you? I expect more from on-air talent like yourself.
SP: I tried. For some reason all the really hot ones want to fuck John Kruk...I can't figure it out. I was desperate to find any young talent I could. For awhile I was stuck getting toothy blowjobs from Shelley Smith in the dressing room.
ME: Christ. You are pathetic.

ME: What about you Erik? At least you were able to grab yourself some decent on air talent.
EK: Yeah, the ESPN chicks dig me.
ME: Again, I was joking. How old is she? 50? It looks like her face is made out of leather. Stephania Bell is no catch.
EK: If you think her face looks like it is made out of leather, you should see her beef curtains.
ME: Holy shit. I just threw up all over myself...and I can't stop. Quick, bring up something not as disgusting as Stephania's beef curtains.
EK: Dana Jacobson's ass looked like a Woolly Mammoth. It really turned me on.
ME: Oh fuck. Get me a gun.
EK: For what?
ME: So I can pistol whip you.

ME: The last thing I really need to figure out is...what the fuck is this birthmark that is all the rage?
SP: Oh man, I'm glad you asked. The mark above my dick is actually a tattoo of Mo Vaughn. Once that fat fuck tanked I got a tattoo of him so that when I lay on my left side it looks like my dick is in his mouth.
ME: That is way cooler than a birthmark.
SP: I thought so.
ME: And what about the other spot below your sack?
SP: Oh, that is Chancroid.
ME: What the fuck is Chancroid?
SP: Look it up.

ME: Well thanks guys. It has been really great getting to know what goes on at the WWL.
EK: It was our pleasure. You're welcome back any time.
SP: Yeah, stop back next Tuesday. We all dress up like Harold Reynolds and Sean Salisbury and mushroom stamp each other. It's a hoot.
ME: No thanks, fellas. Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to go burn all of my clothes and take a bath in Clorox. Good day, gentlemen.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A.I.T.F.


I promised you no baseball talk today and I plan to keep that promise, dammit. Instead, how about another fable from G$'s life? They are usually pretty good for a few laughs, no? And how about this...today's yarn involves my brief basketball career.

For those of you have met me, I do not look like a baller at all. I'm short, white, and a bit of a "space eater". But growing up, there was always a spot for me on the court because I was unselfish and smart. I knew that I couldn't shoot so why embarrass myself by launching airball three's? Didn't make sense to me. So despite slowing the offense down to a crawl and gasping for air pretty much right after the jump ball, I went through youth hoops and middle school as a point guard. Think Lavance Fields but much paler.

You can laugh all you want to, but I took the ball to the rack like Tony fucking Parker, bitch. And I wasn't half the fag that he is. I was serviceable in that role. I would say that I played point guard like The Kyle Orton Express plays QB. I'm not going to win you games, but I sure as shit won't lose them either. I did not have a neckbeard and addiction to Jack Daniels at the time of my ballin' though. That was likely my downfall.

So, it's time to head to high school where the talent pool gets larger. I tried out for the team and made it. It was kind of weird though as half the roster was comprised of parochial school kids (like Damman) while the other half was public school hardasses (like me). If I recall, practices early on were pretty competitive as basically there were two tribes trying to prove their superiority. I'm fairly certain that despite my 7th and 8th grade game management skills, I was relegated to the 5th guard on the proverbial depth chart. I didn't necessarily believe that the 4 ahead were better than me, but I really didn't bust my ass to be the best basketball player that I could be. Needless to say, I didn't get many reps. If you are the borderline 12th man of a freshman basketball team, you can read the writing on the wall. It's pretty fucking clear that this is going to be the end of the line.

At this time, I would like to talk about our 9th grade coach. He was (and still is probably) an asshole. He was a screamer. He ran our asses off. He made us practice at 6:30 AM. He had rancid breath. He wore a golf shirt with the slogan "I only golf on days that end in 'y'" on it. He made me run during a practice for saying "my bad" after one of my numerous fuck-ups when he preferred "my fault". God, I hated freshman basketball simply because of the coach. Actually, you know what, he was the original G$. Fucking Spieth used to call him that behind his back. And then he started calling me that. What a fuckhead. He didn't even give me an original nickname. FUCK YOU, SPIETH!

As far as the season went, it was...relaxing. I didn't have to exert much energy. But Coach made sure that everyone started at least one game and got some burn in every game. I guess that was nice. I don't really remember my one start from that year but I'm sure it was short-lived and I bet that I chucked up a terrible shot of some sort. I don't even think that I scored in double digits all year. I do remember making back-to-back three pointers in a game though. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was put in in the third quarter for some reason and no one was guarding me the first time I had the ball. Shot from deep...money. That may have been the first three that I ever made in my life. The next time down the floor, I got a pass on the wing and almost as soon as I touched that pass, I was launching from NBA range. Swish. I couldn't make back-to-back three's again if you gave me a thousand tries at it. I'm sure I picked up fouls on the next three possessions and had to be yanked but I will always remember the one Saturday morning in The Grand Canyon when I was instant offense.

But freshman hoops was not all "one starts" and "lucky-ass three's". Nope, not even close. The end of the bench was where it was at. Between Pickle, Rune, and I, there has never been a greater collection of 10th through 12th men in the history of hoops. It was really funny listening to our asshole coach scream at the guys who actually played. That goes for all of life in general. Isn't it awesome to see someone get yelled at? I was particularly fond of Coach's love for screaming at after-hours commenter, Hoffman, EVERY GAME for not getting rebounds. He even smacked his leg once...pure greatness.

Anyway, the three of us at the end of the bench had a little contest during every game. You see, Coach was an overly animated prick on the sidelines who often times would get red-faced and behave like a child. He also had a tendency to stick his ass directly in our faces. Literally, about an inch away from our faces. I have no idea why he put his anus so close to our noses, but that was his style. So we decided to start a running tally of "Asses In The Face" or AITF's. I think that most that I ever had during a game was 5 and I'm pretty sure that Rune ended up "winning". Pickle was too busy screaming at the opposing team's fans to shut up to keep an accurate total. Counting up AITF's really helped me get through a tough year in which I lost my love for basketball (which came back with a vengeance once I started playing intramurals the following year).

I tried out for the JV team the next year for reasons that I will never understand. It was a complete waste of time. I didn't want to play anymore, I had developed the body of an offensive lineman during the football season, and, again, I wasn't good. Pickle, Rune, and I all got cut our Sophomore year and none of us were surprised. It's pretty hard to be a good basketball player when your coach is implying that you toss his salad during games.

I don't really have a closer here so I'm just going to share a tidbit from that 9th grade year of hoops. Have you ever in your life seen a starter be taken out of the game before the game even started? I have. The aforementioned Hoffman achieved this greatness. I have no idea how this happened but he got hit in the face with the opening jump ball by the ref, bloodied his nose up pretty damn good, and was subbed for before a second came off the clock. It was about as unathletic and impressive as it gets.

Wait, I guess I do have a closer. Our intramural champion team, The Pacers, would have destroyed the varsity team our Senior year. How about that for smack, Damman?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

One More...


I've learned that you never ever start running your mouth until the final out is recorded (cough2004cough). But I will say this, I'm feeling pretty damn confident that the Yankees can take one of the next three. Not guaranteeing anything, but I have a good feeling about this. A couple of things from the Yanks' dominating game 4 performance:

*CC is just fucking awesome. 3 days rest? Who gives a shit. The guy is an absolute stud. Worth every damn penny.

*What the fuck was going on with the base umpires tonight? Jesus. McClellan and Dale Scott didn't get one call right. Granted, none of those titanic fuck-ups mattered as no one scored, but still. This is the fucking playoffs. You can't miss easy calls like that.

*Call me crazy, but I have not been annoyed by Buck and McCarver yet. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe it just took three games with Chip Caray to make these guys listenable.

*I was starting to get extremely fucking pissed once the Yankees made it 0 for 25 with RISP. Thankfully, a stallion like Melksteak Cabrera ended that drought (because he eats raw jellybeans) and it appears that the floodgates are now open.

*Really? Scott Kazmir dominates the Yankees, huh? That guy sucks. He is all hype. There is a reason that the Rays gave him away for an Arte Moreno mustache ride.

*A-BOMB!!! Whether you like him as a person or not, if you are a fan of baseball, you should like to see the best players play their best in the biggest spots. He is fucking crushing everything. This performance should remind everyone that Alex is still one of the two best players in the game. Buck was right on the money. You can see it in his body language. He is so fucking locked in right now. He KNOWS that he can hit whatever is thrown to him. I love it.

*Hey, look, a Chad Gaudin sighting!

*And finally, to answer the age old question, yes, Pat Sajak and Kurt Russell are friends. How great is it that the Wheel of Fortune guy sits right behind the plate at Angels games!

Don't fuck around with this, Yanks. End it on Thursday. Set up the rotation. Take care of business. Boys, I'm sorry about all the baseball posts but it really does consume most of my free time. I promise a good "story time" tomorrow. A-BOMB!!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Tired Of The BCS? I Have The Answer!

The answer, my friends, is the BC-ACE. A new and improved form of rankings that is hateful, ignorant, incredibly biased, and entirely determined by yours truly, Mr. Ace. There will be no statistics. There will be no computers. There will be no douchey sports writers. Just me, a bottle of Everclear, and the most important list this side of the Bill of Rights.

First, what I am basing these ratings on. I don't have a fucking clue. Let's get to the first ever BC-ACE.
  1. Alabama- I said it last year and I will say it again, I fucking hate Nick Saban, but he is the best coach in college football. Nobody can score on that defense and I love watching Mark Ingram run, the kid is a stud. This is the only team that has a real claim right now as the best team in the nation. Also, this spot will be referred to as "Ace's Bottom Bitch" from now on. That means that if any of the other bitches on this list want to step into this spot they gotta go through my bottom bitch...Do you know what I am saying?
  2. Florida- As unimpressive as they have been in SEC play, there is no other team that is more deserving of the second spot. Florida is just fucking boring. Tim Tebow is a great football players, but not a great quarterback. Florida and Alabama are essentially the same team, just Bama does everything a little better. Ace's Bitch Rating(ABR): They would be smoking hot with great cans, but have the personality of a manpon.
  3. Cincinnati- You're fucking right I am going with Brian Kelly's boys. I went into the weekend thinking that UC was overrated where they were. I came away very impressed. Cincy can compete with any team in the nation not named Florida or Alabama. Kelly makes all the difference for this team. And no, it doesn't fucking matter who their quarterback is. ABR: They would be your high school principle's hot wife who is (supposedly) a former stripper who looks like she is a panther in the sack...even while driving her kids to soccer practice.
  4. Iowa- You're fucking right I am going with Kirk Ferentz's boys. All they do is win. It's not pretty, but they get it done. I hate to say this, but Iowa kind of reminds me of the Fuckeyes back win Fuckeye nation liked Tressel. ABR: They would be that chubby chick with huge fruits that you call to come over after 3:00AM because you don't want your friends to know...and she wears a sweater vest.
  5. Texas- Listen people, Texas isn't that good. If Bradford doesn't get hurt in that game Oklahoma wins by two TD's. They have zero run game, okay defense, and haven't played a decent team the entire fucking year. ABR: They would have a face like Charo, tits like Dolly, and liposuction scars up the ass because this bitch is fake.
  6. Miami- I like Miami, I like them a lot. I love me some Jacory Harris. They may be too young to be able to compete consistently on the big stage. I'm glad to see Randy Shannon turning this program around. ABR: They would be the hottest 17 year old in the world...but I've never been one to obey the law.
  7. TCU- I've always loved the Horned Frogs. Ever since LaDainian Tomlinson emerged out of nowhere in TCU they had a special place in the black hole that is my heart. Gary Patterson has been coachin' em up for the last decade and his defense is always one of the best in the nation. This year they have a great offense to go along with that defense and I really hope they get to crash the BCS party because they have the ability to beat anybody they are matched up against. ABR: They would be that new chick with all the crazy tattoo's and piercings that really isn't all that hot...but it's like giving yourself a stranger, you have to try it at least once.
  8. Georgia Tech- GT was my underdog team at the beginning of the year and they haven't disappointed thus far. I love seeing the triple option run by a team that has plenty of playmakers to touch the ball. Sure, GT is one-dimensional, but it is such a different dimension that it is more of an advantage than a disadvantage. ABR: They are a sexy broad with three boobs...may sound gross, but when you stop and think about it, how awesome would that be!
  9. USC- Ugh, I don't know what to make of this team. Who have they beat? The Fuckeyes were overrated, Cal sucks, and so does ND. They have a ton of talent all over the field but the inexperience at the quarterback position is what kills this team. ABR: Butterface. Do I need to say anything else?
  10. Boise State- FRAUD! FRAUD! FRAUD! I'm not even sure that they belong this high, but I sure as hell wasn't about to throw in LSU. When Boise made its run a couple years back they had a great running back and a senior quarterback who was cold-blooded. This year they have a couple solid running backs and a sophomore QB who the coach has zero faith in. This isn't the same Boise team everybody remembers. ABR: Remember that smokin' hot girl in your dorm your freshman year that walked around in tight shorts and tank tops all day? Yeah, well now she has put on 50 pounds and is carrying two kids on her back...and her fupa swallowed Charlie Weis.
There your have it. The first ever BC-ACE rankings are in the books. Feel free to not leave your epinions in the comments.

That One Is On You, Fucko


Our manager is a moron. I am already giving away one game that he will inexplicably throw away in the postseason due to some retarded move. Just don't make it two, neanderthal.--G$, 9/24/2009

Jesus fucking Christ, Joe. Is it really that much of a pain in the ass to go up 3-0 in a 7 game series? Usually, I love being right. But not when it comes to this. Unfrozen Caveman Manager is a fucking idiot and now America knows what all the Yankees fans have known for two years. This guy is stupid. Even Pat Sajak (sitting right behind home plate with Scott Boras...SAJAK!!!) knows it. I don't know which move was dumber actually. Was it:

1. Sending Brett Gardner on a steal during an EXTREMELY OBVIOUS pitch-out count. You were a fucking catcher, NOT THAT LONG AGO, you should know better. And of course, Posada goes deep on the next pitch which would have given the Yanks a 5-4 lead in the 8th. Or...

2. Taking out David Robertson in the 11th after two easy outs and no one on for a guy who wears #91 as a tribute to Dennis Rodman. Robertson has been one of our best relievers ALL FUCKING SEASON. Aceves is prone to getting hit. Howie Kendrick is not a great hitter. Robertson would get him out 9 times out ten.

Did Joe get confused? Did he think that it was Howie Mandel or Howie Long or Doogie Howser or Kendrick Perkins of the Celtics or maybe even Lieutenant Kendrick from A Few Good Men? Kiefer Sutherland's character did lead his life based on the teachings of the King James Bible. Because all of those guys would be more terrifying than Howie Kendrick.

How funny was it watching Unfrozen Caveman Manager run his cromagnon ass over to his "charts" anyway? Like he can actually read what's printed on those papers. It was probably just a binder full of finger-paintings. Dumbass. You've got some explaining to do.

Joe, like I said almost a month ago, I knew you would fuck up once. But you better not fucking do that shit again. Jesus, this has been a really good series. I'm going to have a heart attack before this fucker is over. Could be from the games or could be from the poor health, but this ALCS is going to kill me.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The Worst of Week 6 Vol.III


Gentlemen, the day has finally arrived. It is a day that I have been waiting for for a long, long time. Today is the day that Jim Zorn is fired. And it is about fucking time. The Redskins have played maybe the easiest first 6 game schedule in league history and sit at a robust 2-4. There is no doubt in my mind that the Skins will finish either 3-13 or 4-12. They suck. They suck bad. Who loses to the Chiefs at home anyway?

But I think we are being a little too hard on Zorn. It's not his fault that he is completely inept and unqualified to coach in the NFL. He didn't hire himself. He only took the job because no one else wanted it. This is on upper management...that fucking rat. This organization is Clippers-bad at the moment. From top to bottom, it needs an enema. But even an organizational enema may not get rid of all the shit. Ugh. And so long, Jason Campbell. You've had your chance and continue to fail. Good luck wherever you end up. Let's let The Golden Arm of Todd Collins start the rest of the way. I mean, he DID lead us to a whopping 6 points against the mighty KC D yesterday. There were other shitty people yesterday...probably not worse than the entire Redskins team though. Here they are:

5. Steve Hauschka - Nice missed kick yesterday, asshole. I'm sick of He'sjusthavingfunoutthere walking off the field with his hillbilly grin. It needs to be wiped away. Stupid Ravens kicker. By the way, what happened to the vaunted Ravens and Vikes defenses? They both got torched like the Wellington Hotel. And although the Ravens are now 3-3, I'm not writing them off yet. That is a good football team (I sound like Ron Jaworski). As far as the Vikings go, looks like the Stillers will be the first team to shut them up next week. That will be a damn good game by the way.

4. Kerry Collins - Get a load of this line: 2-12, -7 yards. The Drunk threw for NEGATIVE yards. The QB on the other side of the field threw for 380 and 6 td's, by the way. Wow, the Titans really are a shitty team. I mean epically bad. 59-0! How is that even possible? How do you give up 5 touchdown passes in one quarter...IN THE FUCKING SNOW! It's time to exhume the corpse of Vince Young. I can't wait for that. Dead man walking.

3. The Giants Defense - Whoa, I think we know who the best team in the NFL is. It is the Saints. They can not be stopped and their defense is good (the Vikes will be undone by Favre and the Colts defense is not that good). Gregg Williams knows his shit. As far as the Giants go, they pretty much mailed in that game. Super Bowl contenders should not be giving up 48 points to anyone. I noticed something yesterday, too. When they slo-mo a replay of Eli getting hit, he looks like the biggest retard on the planet. Even more than usual. It is hilarious.

2. Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid - Way to lose to the Raiders. Nice job. Nice fucking job. Mr. Ace better not have killed himself because how will I know who to bet against. How do you not score a TD on the Raiders? Well, let me tell you. The Raiders weakness is their rush defense. They have the best cornerback in the game. The Eagles must be dyslexic because Reid only called 12 running plays all game long. That's it. Remember how everyone said that the Eagles were Super Bowl contenders and that Mike Vick was going to push them over the top? Yeah, they aren't going anywhere. Their QB sucks too much. And THEY LOST TO THE RAIDERS!!! Get ready because they will be losing to Redskins on Monday Night next week (worst MNF game ever). We are in the usual phase of the season where McPuke sucks and the Redskins will rally around interim coach, Joe Bugel.

1. Mark Sanchez - Fuck the Sanchise. Fuck him in his stupid Mexican ear. Let me tell you a story. I was a pretty solid bet-man this weekend. I broke even on the college games and dominated the 1 pm NFL games. So I decided to break my usual trends and threw all of my winnings on the Jets -9.5. Actually, it was not a bet on the Jets, per se, but a bet against the Bills. The Bills are fucking rotten, if you recall. I was looking good at halftime. But then Sanchez decided to launch his second, third, fourth, and fifth interception. Fuck you, Mark! I am officially going to root against you every week now since you cost me a ton of money. And you lost to the Bills. Well done, dicksmack.

My only saving grace from the weekend was going 3-0 in fantasy. That is always nice. And since I have no team to root for anymore that has a chance at winning on the field, I am now left to focus on my fantasy players. God bless fantasy football and it's distraction from your team's inequities.

Zorn better be getting fired today. If I have to hear him say that "this offense is better than 6 points" again, well, I'm not going to like it. See! Zorn has me so frustrated that I can't even think of creative insults anymore.

Sweet, Sweet Schadenfreude


"Schadenfreude" is defined as enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others. Well, the shittiness of both my college and pro teams aside, nothing made me happier this weekend on the gridiron more than Ohio State losing to the college equivalent of the Washington Redskins. You guys suck.

How fucking bad is Terrelle Pryor? They should have benched his sorry ass. He is just putrid. As an athlete, he's pretty good. As a quarterback, he is Spurgeon Wynn's son. That is about as big of an insult as I could think of. Drew, do you still stupidly think that Michigan would kill to have this loser? Sure, they would, 'tard. It's going to be great watching him chuck up 4 picks in a loss at Ann Arbor next month. Yeah, I'm calling it. Dickie is going to stick it up your ass.

But in all serious, thank you, Purdue. I was beginning to get the feeling that Ohio State may run the table and ruin bowl season again. Mission accomplished. BOILER UP!!!

And for those of you who disagreed with my Friday assessment that college football is not very interesting this year, tell me I'm wrong now. This season sucks. Much like Terrelle Pryor.

Friday, October 16, 2009

I Blame Vince Young


I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. It has come to my attention that college football just isn't the same anymore. The on-field product just isn't as entertaining as it once was. Fuck, it's boring. And I think that I can pinpoint exactly when and where everything went wrong. It seems that as soon as Texas won the national title in that epic game against USC, it has all gone downhill from that game. That game was the apex of the game's greatness and ever since, nothing has come close.

And this season isn't offering up much drama either. In fact, when the best game of the year is an 18-15 snoozefest in Columbus, we've got problems.

One thing that is killing the sport this year is the shitty QB play. Other than Jimmy Clausen and Tim Tebow, there are no BCS QB's playing at an elite level. And even Tebow hasn't been other-worldly. Bradford got hurt. McCoy has been mediocre. Matt Barkley has been average. The best QB in the Big Ten throws worse passes than the drummer from Def Leppard. Jevan Snead couldn't play in the Sun Belt. And the Taylor kid from Va Tech may as well not have arms at all. What happened to all the good/great QB's!!! In comparison, look at the NFL. Ratings have never been better and I like to think that the sicktitude of Brees, Favre, and the Manning Brothers have a lot to do with that. Quarterbacks drive interest and right now, when it comes to the college game, I have very little.

Let's also look at the top ten rankings and comment on the blandness of each team:
1. Florida - Yeah, they're a very good team but they haven't been dominant.
2. Alabama - I'll give them credit, Saban's team is destroying everyone. I love this. Don't play down to your competition. Come out firing every damn week.
3. Texas - See above except the Longhorns are the exact opposite. They struggled with a Colorado team last week that got blown out by Toledo.
4. Virginia Tech - Most boring team ever? Most boring team ever.
5. Boise State - I love the little guy but when you sleepwalk through wins over UC-Davis and Tulsa, you aren't one of the 5 best teams in the country.
6. USC - They beat Washington State by only 20 points. Despicable.
7. Ohio State - Great defense, piss-poor offense. The sad thing is, they are in prime position to lose a BCS title game by 40 points this year.
8. Cincinnati - If you can't beat my RedHawks by 40, you aren't THAT good.
9. The U - I'm not sure if these guys are truly for real...but at least they are enjoyable to watch.
10. LSU - They are Ohio State Lite. I think that their offense might be worse though.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that none of these teams feel truly elite. Which is leading to a dull season. Sure, upsets are great and all, but I don't think that it speaks to parity. It's just that none of these teams really that good.

I don't know. These things tend to be cyclical. Maybe we are just experiencing a few down years after a few great years. What I do know is that Sundays have become far better football days than Saturdays. Hell, the only game that I am actually looking forward to the rest of year is the SEC title game. Nothing else. Seriously. I'm sure that someone will come here in defense of college football talking about how it still a great product and to that I say this:

Try staying sober for a full Saturday of football and see how long it takes you to consider suicide. Go ahead, give it a try. I would bet that most of you would get the shotgun out at about halftime of the noon Big Ten games. Pam Ward does that effect on people.

BEAT THE OHIO'S!!!

Smooth Jimmy's Lock Of The Week


For once, I am actually going to help you out for this week I (not the mediocre Mr. Ace) will give you the most rock solid lock in the history of football. Ask Damman, I always give him quality NFL advice (except for taking the Panthers last week, but I did tell you to take the Colts and Vikings though). And considering that we're got some brand new online betting friends (888 sport) here, why the heck not?

Kansas City +7 over Washington

Take the points now. The Skins should not be favored by more than a field goal to most college teams. This team is a freaking mess. They have 3 new offensive linemen this week. Pretty much every former Redskin still alive is declaring the organization a nuclear testing site. There is nothing positive coming out of DC. The Chiefs, while terrible, at least they have a pulse and they playe hard. They should have beaten the Cowboys last Sunday. Lock this one up and make some money.

Also, if any of you are degenerate enough to bet on cricket, you can also get your cricket ashes on over at 888 sport as well. I have no idea what that even means. What can I say...I'm a corporate shill.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Baseball Is Still Being Played


Just in case some of you have tuned out, the MLB playoffs are, in fact, still going on right now. It's true, I just checked. And as it should be, we've got 4 big market teams left. No one really wants to see a Cinderella, do they? Of course not. You want to see the best playing the best. Four people watched the Rays in the Series last year. That's it. But we shouldn't have that problem this time.

Anyway, other than the Yankees/Twins series, I don't think I watched more than 5 minutes combined of the other three series. It was boring baseball and you knew after game 1 of each series who was going to win them. It also didn't help that the TBS broadcast teams were awful. Really, TBS, Dick Stockton? That guy has been dead for 8 years. But he couldn't have been as bad as Chip Caray and Ron Darling AKA the number one broadcast team for Turner. Holy shit, those two are taint bombs. If I had to hear Chip butcher a big play or Darling tell the exact same story about A-Rod getting days off to rest, I was going to shit on Skip Caray's grave while drinking a case of Harry's Old Style's. Oh, and Darling is currently being investigated by the IRS for tax evasion. What a terrific team.

But TBS wasn't all that bad. I mean, they were still bad, but they had their moments.
Good - starting games at 6pm (as a Yankees fan who is used to games taking 4 hours, this was awesome) and that's about it
Bad - constantly telling me how far a baserunner is leading off, unnecessary dugout cut-aways to an awkward Craig Sager, millions of stupid George Lopez commercials, no nudity

I never thought that I would say this, but I am looking forward to listening to Joe Buck and Tim McShitstack the rest of the way. Now, normal people would never say this, but this just goes to show how bad Chip and Ron were. As far as my predictions for the last round, I went 2-2. Oh well. I'm not going to cry about missing the Red Sox as any time that they suck, it's glorious. Suck on that, Grogan!!! Here are this round's poor picks:

NLCS - Dodgers over Phillies in 6
The Phillies have the better offense and starting pitching. The Dodgers have home-field, the better manager, and the much better bullpen. Plus, the Dodgers are seeking revenge for getting sent home by the Phils last year. Ken Rosenthal wrote earlier this week that no closer is hotter right now than Brad Lidge because he has saved a whole TWO games in a row. Is this the biggest lie ever written. Lidge is fucking terrible. His hayseed manager wouldn't even let him start the ninth inning in those two games! Oh, congrats on getting a few outs against a team that would have been under .500 in the AL this year. Well fucking done. Wait, did I just pick the Dodgers to win this? They are starting Randy Wolf and Vicente Fishtaco for at least 3 games, right? Eh, fuck it. I don't care. I'm not going to watch much of this anyway. National League baseball is for those who have given up on life AKA Cubs fans.

ALCS - Yankees over Angels in 5
I had the misfortune of listening to The Herd yesterday and he was talking about how everyone is picking the Yanks to run away with this series. That's news to me. Everyone is picking this to go 6-7 games and the winner has been split. Typical Cowherd though, the only things he is qualified to talk about are Pete Carroll's anus and Trey Wingo's anus. I'm usually nervous when it comes to playing the Halos but I'm really not this time around. Sure, they have the whole Nick Adenhart thing working for them, but believe me, I know from experience that the dead teammate can only take you so far. The offenses are virtually the same. I give the Yanks the edge in the rotation since the Angels don't really have an ace and CC is probably going to pitch 3 of these games. The Yankees are FAR better in the bullpen (I still think that Fuentes blows). Scioscia is a better manager but Girardi is used to being the worse manager on the field. The pundits keep talking about how the Angels like to run. Well, go ahead. The Yanks will be starting lefties in 5 of the 7 games and the other two games they will have to deal with Jose Molina's fucking cannon arm. I don't see this being that big of a deal. Bobby Abreu was terrible in the postseason with us so I assume that he will continue to play like shit in New York during October.

It just feels like this Yankees team has "it" this year. In the first round, all of the questions were answered. A-Rod, Teix, CC, AJ, Joba in the 'pen, Girardi...they all worked. And worked well. They all exorcised their postseason demons. I just get the sense that they win this series.

I picked Yankees/Dodgers before the season began and I'm sticking by my guns. And to use a quote that McCarver will probably use tomorrow night, "The New York Yankees are a baseball team that plays good baseball"...and then he will explain to everyone what a fastball is. You know, maybe he isn't better than Chip and Ron.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I Have So Many People to Thank

(You're Welcome)

To start off with, I want to thank all you wonderful readers; without you, my greatness just wouldn't be possible. I want to thank Dustin's parents for not aborting him, because without that decision the DFL never would have came about. I would like to thank G Money for thinking that he actually knows something about sports, because without that ignorance he would have never joined the DFL. I would also like to thank Billy Mays for creating Chipotlaway, because without his ingenuity I would not be able to plow through Chipotle everyday and still have sparkling white nut huggers.

Your favorite bloggers favorite blogger took your old buddy G Money to the woodshed in the DFL Sunday thanks to my superior fantasy ownership and my insurmountable desire to win. Now you may think Dustin's Fantasy League is a league where we pick unicorns, double sided dildo's, and Boy George's sex slaves but you would be wrong. It is, in fact, a fantasy football league and I must give Dustin some credit, he has been an incredible cummish thus far. Prior to Week 5 I was the only winless team in the entire league despite having the 8th most points in a 14 team league...I was getting fucked. But I knew G Money's crew of cumdumpsters were next up and he would be overlooking my sleeping giant. Sure enough, my boys shocked the world and I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the players responsible.

First, I must thank my work horse, Michael Turner. I didn't doubt you for a second, Burner. I couldn't have done it without your 27 points.

The biggest surprise of all, my WR's were responsible for 21 points. And Nate Burleson was responsible for every single one of them. I would also like to thank Matt Hasselback for not being a pussy for another week.

There was one player in GMoney's starting lineup who put up a giant goose egg...thank you Mike Sims-Walker for being a fuck up. Also, thank you Jack Del Rio for waiting until 10 minutes before kickoff to let the public know that Sims-Walker was a fuck up. And seriously, pick a fucking last name, MJD already has the duel last name covered.

The player who was most responsible for GMoney's demise was Chris Johnson. I need to thank you, Chris Johnson, for being so terrible that LenDale White got more carries than you.

I would also like to thank Roger Goodell for giving the Green Baby Packers a bye in Week 5. Without that glorious decision I would not have been able to show my fantasy brilliance.

But most importantly, I have to thank myself for being so unbelievably fucking awesome. You might think that with Aaron Rodgers being the only QB on my roster I might panic. Not this guy. I went to the waiver wire and found a true warrior, a hero...Josh Johnson. Although ESPN only had him projected at nine points, I could not be deterred. I knew the greatness that was Josh Johnson would come through in the clutch for me, because that is just what great players do. Thank you, Josh Johnson, for your 19 points.

After shellacking GMoney's cockboys, I now look forward to destroying commentor Daniel's squad of scallywags. I am a ridiculous 65 point favorite...which basically means I will be starting out balls deep in Daniel's rectum, instead of the usual foreplay and watching Brokeback that Daniel typically requires. To everybody in the DFL, I'll see you in the fucking championship, bitches.

While I'm at it, I might as well ride this momentum into the weekend and unleash my Vegas Special after a much needed week off. Conservative card this week, but these are sure things here, no risk.

NCAA Picks:
Boise St(-9.5) @ Tulsa. So Tulsa has absolutely murdered four of their five opponents. The only problem is, those four teams have combined for FIVE wins. The only time they came up against real competition they got curb stomped, 45-0, by an Oklahoma team sans Bradford. Also, Shaved Beaver abandoned my Wolverines at the last minute before he decommitted to attend Tulsa(WTF?) and I will be repaid by funds in my gambling account. Boise -9.5.

Fuckeyes(-13) @ Purdue. This line is already up to -14 but Dustin and I got on this one early yesterday...right after we got off the double sided dildo he gave away at the DFL draft. Purdue isn't nearly as bad as I thought they would be this week, but they still suck taint. This one will end up just like the Indiana game did. Fuckeyes -13.

Texas(-3.5) vs Oklahoma. I have a terrible feeling that I am going to get fucked by this half point, but I also have a feeling that Texas is going to come out gangbusters and send a message to the public that they belong, and belonged last year, in the National Championship game. Also, Bradford's second game back since his shoulder injury. No way he is back to 100% yet. Texas -3.5.

NFL Picks:
Lions @ Packers(-13.5). I have never been more certain about a pick. Green Bay is coming off a bye. They get their starting left tackle back, Chad Clifton, and they signed Tauscher to shore up the rest of the O Line. Aaron Rodgers is projected to put up 36 points fantasy points this week...which is 4 TD's and 300 yards passing. LOCK IT UP!

Eagles(-14) @ Raiders. The Raiders are a fucking mess, and I'm not even talking about their head coach threatening to take an assistant coaches life. Al Davis is still the owner and they are still allowing Jamarcus fucking Russel to start over the great one, Bruce Gradkowski. Eagles are up 28 by half and coast to a cover.

Chicago @ Atlanta(-3). Sunday night game in the ATL. Michael Turner got back on track against one of the best run defenses in the league last week and I think Atlanta's offense will keep rolling along against Chicago. Atlanta by 9.

That's right folks, all chalk. I'm rolling with the favorites this week.

Make sure to wish Lil Strut a happy birthday on the comments and feel free to question his sexuality/genitalia.

A Moment On Rush


I don't want to get all political or anything, but late last week, it was reported that their were some investors lined up to put a bid in on the St. Louis Fucking Awfuls. One of the main men behind this move is the proud owner of these doozies:

"You know who deserves a posthumous Medal of Honor? James Earl Ray (Dr. King's assassin). We miss you, James. Godspeed."

"Let's face it, we didn't have slavery in this country for over 100 years because it was a bad thing. Quite the opposite: Slavery built the South. I'm not saying we should bring it back. I'm just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark."

McNabb, he said, is "overrated ... what we have here is a little social concern in the NFL. The media has been very desirous that a black quarterback can do well—black coaches and black quarterbacks doing well."


Now, my negative opinions on Rush Limbaugh aside, this is not acceptable for the NFL. In a league where a majority of the players are not white, you can't have an owner who has a history of race-related remarks. You just can't. Sure, it's a free country and you can say what you want to. But that doesn't mean that he is entitled to co-owning a football team. Hell, black players are already saying that they would never play for a team owned by Rush.

I think that we are all smart enough to see through this though. Limbaugh has no desire to actually do this. This is just a publicity stunt. I don't know what exactly he is trying to promote, but this is nothing but an ego-trip. So let's stop giving him what he wants. Let's squash this stupid rumor and let him go back to whatever it is that he does best...either inspiring people or annoying them.

Rush, you can fuck with the minds of Americans as much as you want to. Really, I do not care. BUT DON'T YOU GODDAMN DARE FUCK WITH MY NFL. Although it would be funny to see a pro football team comprised entirely of white people. I'm pretty sure that they could beat this Rams team.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: Family


I hope that you all remember this feature because we're diving headfirst back into that well again today. If you recall, I used a few posts leading up to my wedding trying to figure out why things are done the way that they are. It went over quite well with this blogging community. Today, I've got more questions...and I think that I could use your help.

After the wedding, I gained quite a few new family members. In fact, I gained a shitload of family members. I am now an uncle to 6 kids (including a Godfather to my youngest niece). This terrifies me. A lot. NO ONE TOLD ME THAT KIDS WOULD BE INVOLVED!!! You see, in my previous life as a bachelor, I probably interacted with kids MAYBE once every two or three months. That it not a stretch either. I was fine with this arrangement. Kids and I have never seen eye to eye. I have no patience and they are annoying. But with one "I do", oh shit, meet your Uncle G-Funk. And he does not care about what happened at school today.

As I said yesterday, the in-laws visited the mansion this past weekend. It was a true test to my familial skills. I'm not used to sharing. I'm not used to playing. I'm not used to thinking about anyone other than myself and what I want to do. I'm not used to answering a million stupid kid questions like, "Why do you live so far away from the playground"? Case in point, the nieces and nephews were asking She$ for a snack during the OSU/Wisky game and she told them that they could have some Cheez-It's. For the next 30 seconds, all that I could think about was "She better not be giving them my box of Cheez-It's. She better not be fucking giving them MY BOX. NOBODY EATS MY CHEEZ-IT'S BUT ME!!!" She did not because she knows me and knows that little kids digging their grubby, germ-filled hands into my box would have led to a massive Uncle G$ blow-up. Disaster averted.

So I've been thinking, since I AM a newbie as an uncle, what am I supposed to do? How should I be handling this new role? I am literally clueless. I have no patience at all. I've led the state of Ohio in flipping off other drivers for 6 years in a row. But I have to realize that kids are idiots and ask a bunch of stupid questions. That is what they do. And I can't get pissed because they don't know any better. After all, they are family now. I figure that there are 4 different categories for, ummm...Uncledom(?), and I'm trying to determine which part I was born to play (like Troy McClure in Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want To Get Off). The subgroups:

1. The Weird Uncle - Obviously, no one WANTS to be the weird uncle but they do exist. Considering that I make a point out of refusing goodbye kisses and trying to avoid hugs at all costs, I don't see myself ending up here despite what my sweatpants boner might say.
2. The Pushover Uncle - I'm already trying to not be this guy. If you always do what the kids want you to do, you spoil them. Is there anything worse than a spoiled kid? They are the most annoying creatures on the planet. They should be beaten with extension cords. I don't give a shit if you want to go to the park now, you will wait until halftime, dammit. I'm giving up my usual full day of college football/watching my ass get fatter for you all, the least you can do is give me a peaceful second quarter of a game that I don't care about.
3. The Cool Uncle - I have no chance at this. Their other uncle lives in south Florida and has a pool. I have a mouse in the house and a love for digging at my scrotum. Even I admit that he's cooler than me. Plus, I spent 16 straight hours watching TV (no lie) on Sunday...kids can't even sit still for 16 minutes.
4. The Laidback Uncle - This is more up my alley. I want to be liked, but I don't want them to want to come down and see me all the time. I can handle (barely) some quality time once in awhile, but I don't want to make a habit of this. When it comes to seeing Uncle G$, less is always more. Otherwise someone is going home in a bodybag. This works for all groups of people by the way.

I thought about adding The Asshole Uncle and The Life Lessons Uncle, but who in the Hell is mean to kids that aren't theirs? And LL Uncle needs daily access to influence the kid's lives. I don't have that and, as of my current feelings, I never want that.

The good thing about my situation is that it's a two-way street here. I'm learning how to be an uncle to them, and they are trying to figure me out. And I'm a motherfucking enigma, baby. There is no chance that some kid is going to figure out what makes me tick. They already know two truths about their new uncle: I have no problem saying no and asking me to push them harder on the playground is a horrible idea.

Most of you out there are probably uncles and some of you are dads, what is expected of me with my nieces and nephews? I want to be a good uncle. I don't need to be great, but above average would be just fine. Like I said, this is all new to me. After all, kids and I normally are mortal enemies. Thoughts?

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Worst Of Week Five Vol.III


Thursday night, I cut the shit out of my 2nd toe. I dropped our 50+ pound grill on it. It bled every fucking time that I took a step for the past few days. It was painful as fuck. Right now, I've got that weird black shit under my toenail and my current life goal is to not lose the nail itself. I know, I set the bar high. The in-laws came down on Saturday to ruin my desire to have a lazy weekend. This entailed my 4 nieces and nephews to push my patience. But I persevered and managed to only make two of them cry at the playground (seriously, but they ASKED me to keep pushing them harder...I swear!). So when it was time for the in-laws to leave, the kids, for some strange reason, feel like their badass uncle would like to be hugged. He does not. He never will. This needs to stop immediately. I'm a handshake/pound-dawg kind of guy. And he really does not like his nephew stepping on his mangled toe during the aforementioned hug. I almost started crying.

Which is what I did all day yesterday since the NFL decided to give byes to 4 of the more entertaining teams in the league and giving us some extremely shitty matchups. It damn near ruined my day. I've got a fucked up foot AND I have to put up with a ton of shitty games? Eat shit, Goodell. There has to be some way around the current configuration of bye weeks. Instead of having 8 weeks where 4 teams are off, why not do 4 weeks where 8 teams are off? Because I will not stand for the kind of crap that I had to sit through yesterday.

5. Mike Sims-Walker - Listen up, dickhead. I found you on the waiver wire of the DFL a few weeks ago once I realized that Earl Bennett and Davone Bess were horrible. You became a fantasy force for me and a good player for the Jags. So the fact that you got yourself inactivated for violating team rules and not allowing me to bench you is inexcusable. Especially when I'm going up against the winless virgin, Mr. Ace. Eat a dick and pick a fucking last name already.

4. The Redskins - The Redskins have played a winless team in each of their first 5 games this year and have a robust 2-3 record after yesterday's amazing 15 point piss-away game in Carolina. God dammit. They haven't even come close to scoring 20 points this year. They fucking suck. It gets old for me to keep saying this but it still needs to be said. I hate this fucking team. I don't even think that they had 200 yards of offense yesterday. I think my favorite part about this abortion of an organization is their terrible clock management. And they have always sucked at this. Like yesterday when with 9 minutes left in the game, they had no timeouts left. Fucking genius. I would rather have Shannon Sharpe coach this team. Yeah, I said it. He's the dumbest person ever associated with the game of football, and I would rather have him chew hay on the Skins sideline.

3. Shaun Hill - Oh no. Bad weekend for my teams (Redskins/RedHawks) and my pseudo-teams (Niners/Auburn). The most famous asshole in sports was completely let down by his team yesterday as the Falcons kicked the shit out of them. This appears to be the modus operandi (I took freshmen Latin!) for the 49ers this year...get on them early and they have no chance to come back. If you let them hang and bang, they are lethal. But if you put the foot on the throat early and often, it's over. And this is because Shaun Hill sucks. SF is still going to win the West but so what? St. Thomas Aquinas could win that division.

2. Dick Jauron - Do you think that by the time this post goes up on Monday morning, Jauron will already be fired? I mean, he has to be, right? You can't lose to the Browns. You can't score 3 points against the Browns. You can't lose at home to an Eric Mangini-coached team. You can't lose to a shitty QB who only completed TWO FUCKING PASSES. FIRE THIS GUY. Jauron eats poop sandwiches. The Bills are fucking awful. Another reason that bye weeks suck is because I had to sit Drew Brees this week and actually talked myself into being excited about Trent Edwards. BYE WEEKS MAKE YOU THINK THAT TRENT EDWARDS IS A DECENT OPTION. He is not. The only thing that Edwards is qualified to do is toss my salad. And I don't want that. Why would you go out and sign T.O. when you aren't going to use him? Jesus, the Bills make the Redskins look like the Steelers.

1. Ray Lewis - Is there anything better than when this loser costs his team a win? Murder McGee picked up a really stupid helmet-to-helmet penalty on Ocho (pictured) during the final drive which helped the Bengals win in Bawlmer County. And what the hell is going on with the Bingles anyway? Every one of their games is an awesome nail-biter. It's great. I love how CBS made Columbus a Bengals town this week. They are fun to watch. I hope that they stick with the trend. But back to the game, when I heard that Mike Zimmer's wife died this week, I knew that this would be a lot closer then the 9 point spread. So I capitalized financially on a woman's death. I have no regrets. Oh and fuck you, Ray Lewis. Fuck you very much.

I need to get this taste of shitty football out of my mouth soon. Thankfully, the titstastic Saints/Giants matchup is only 6 short days away. And for the record, I actually LIKED the Broncos AWFL throwbacks. Those socks are bad-fucking-ass.

Sending The Metrodome Out In Style!!!


Go home, you poor bastards. You did not belong here. Playoff baseball is for those that make plays and, you know, don't implode. A-ROD IS BACK, HOMOS!!! Bring on the Angels. It's time to lay the smack down on that perennial loser, Bobby "Sweet Pea" Abreu. Oh, and fuck Carl Pavano. Nice loss tonight, ya handjob.

Friday, October 09, 2009

All We Are Is Dut In The Wind


Boy, do we have a treat for you all today. Remember Mr. Ace? He was the ugly guy who filled in for me over my wedding and has sporadically posted here since. Well, he and I (mostly me) had an idea. We decided that it was time we got to know some of our commenters. Mr. Ace is well known for his interview skills while I'm still learning. But we decided that everyone needed to know commenter Dut a little bit better. Which is why we "set up" an "interview" with his "dad". His father was more than happy to spill some of the inner-most details of his son's life. Here is the transcript of the conversation between Dut's Dad, Mr. Ace, and your boy, G$.

G$: Thanks for agreeing to do this, Dut's Dad. The daily readers of The Money Shot would like to thank you as well.
DD: How did you two get in here?
G$: I hear that all time. Don't mind Ace, he's just rummaging through your fridge.
DD: Stay out of my Pabst's!
G$: OK, enough with the pleasantries. Let's talk about your son for a little bit.
DD: Are you serious? You want to talk about Dut? His mother and I don't even talk about him anymore.
G$: Well, indulge me anyway. What was Dut like as a child?
DD: Child? Child please! If you want to get the true essence of my son, we need to go back to his birth.
G$: Wow, we're going improv already! Ace, you might want to hear this!
Ace: NOM NOM NOM.

DD: Anyway, we have a daughter your age, G$, and she turned out just fine. The wife and I figured what the hell, let's give it another go-round. Little did I know that it was possible to give birth to a 7 pound turd. WHY DIDN'T THE DOCTORS TELL US THIS!!!
G$: You could tell it was a failure from the beginning, huh?
DD: I got a vasectomy the next day.
G$: Whoa, you really must have been disappointed.
DD: God damn right I was. Let me ask you something, G$?
G$: Wait, I'm asking the fucking questions here.
DD: Whatever, queer. You know how Dale Earnhardt is the biggest badass to ever live? A true intimidator. A warrior. And do you know how his son is one of the biggest loads of monkey sperm ever? He's a fucking loser. Junior is the reason that Senior drove into that wall. He just couldn't deal with the disappointment anymore. I'm in the same damn boat...I just haven't found a good enough barricade yet.
G$: I understand what you are saying. How could two titans in the game of life spawn such failures? It makes perfect sense.

G$: Tell me about Dut's childhood.
DD: Well, after he was born, his mother and I were quite sure that he was retarded. What with all the drooling and falling down, it was pretty obvious to the untrained eye. So we had him all set up in the 'tard classes and he was failing miserably. He was getting the worst grades in the class. We thought that maybe some new water-wings or a new helmet would help, but it was a waste of time. This kid was well on his way to cleaning up the shitters at McDonald's. But one day, his teacher called us in to see some of his horrendous finger-paintings and she informed us that our son was definitely not mentally retarded. Sure, he was physically and socially retarded still, but he was no longer able to be in that class. We didn't even find this out until he was in 7th grade. Apparently, he was just stupid.
G$ and Ace: Wait a minute, he is NOT retarded?
DD: Nope, swear to God. The diploma from Bowling Green might say differently, but he is not a retard.
G$: Then how do you explain his terrible fantasy football skills or his fandom of the Cleveland Browns?
DD: I guess I don't have an answer for that. But he is most definitely NOT retarded.
G$: Huh...this is alot to take in. I'll tell you what, why don't I give your bathroom an upper decker and Mr. Ace can continue this interview.

Ace: Dut and Uncle T are very close...VERY close. When was it that you knew they would be leading a similar lifestyle?
DD: It didn't take me long to realize that Dut was a little queer. He used to play with Barbie's, but he always had a special thing for Ken.
Ace: Did he used to bend Barbie over and have Ken bang her on top of the playhouse kitchen counter...not that I ever used to do that.
DD: No. He used to take Ken and a G.I. Joe and have them make dinner. I asked him what he was doing and he said Ken was making Creme Brule and G.I. Joe was fixing sushi...that was pretty much a dead giveaway that my son was destined to taking it in the pooper.
Ace: Did you ever think about calling a Priest and exorcising the gay demon out of him? I hear Tony Dungy is world renowned for his techniques.
DD: We actually decided to try that once. Uncle T said he knew some place that specialized in queer cleansing so we allowed him to take him. Dustin was gone for almost the entire day so we got a little worried. We found Uncle T's car at an abandoned building and walked in on Uncle T performing his own special cleansing.
Ace: What does that mean?
DD: Well, let's just say that Uncle Timmy was claiming to try to exorcise the gay out of Dustin by sticking his own little gay demon inside him.
Ace: I always thought Dustin walked a little funny and now I know why.

G$: Hey guys, what did I miss?
DD: Absolutely nothing.
G$: Tell me, DD, did your boy have any weird tendencies growing up?
DD: Oh you mean like the time I caught him beating his meat to his mom and I's wedding pictures? Is that weird enough for you?
G$: Well, puberty is a weird time for teenage boys.
DD: This happened last fucking weekend after he got back from Spengygate!
G$: So what is your best guess? Was he using you or your wife as his launch point?
DD: Next question.

G$: OK then, last topic. The holidays are coming up. Has Dut sent you his Christmas list yet?
DD: Oh sure. He's asked for the same damn thing every year since he graduated high school. He wants a fucking Fathead of Derec Alexander. You know, a naked dude Fathead. He insists that they make them. I keep telling him that he's a fag.
G$: Twisted shit. So what are you going to get him?
DD: I haven't given him anything in years.
G$: Why? Sounds sort of ruthless.
DD: Don't get me wrong, I want to get him something. But the problem is, I have no idea how to wrap a punch in the face.
G$: Nice. And what does a good son like Dut get you for Christmas?
DD: Last year he gave me a hug. A FUCKING HUG. I bring him into the world, raise him as a retard, put up with all of his incestual whacking, and he has the nerve to give me a hug. I refused that homo's gift.
G$: That does seem weak of him.
DD: But Dut always gives me one thing that I love...watching him pull out of the driveway to head off to whichever gay bar in Columbus will let him in. Because that moment is the longest time until I have to talk with that imbecile again. And that makes me smile.
G$: And on that note, since Ace and I ate everything in your fridge and completely fucked up your plumbing, I think we can wrap this up. Thanks a lot for talking with us today, Dut's Dad. Ace, you got anything else?

Ace: You have a fantastic flavor saver. Does your lovely spouse enjoy mustache rides as much as your son?
DD: Apparently.

And there you have it...the legend of commenter, Dut. A disappointment to anyone who has ever met him. Please don't kill me, Rog.