Friday, May 29, 2009

We Ain't Quittin'!!!


Tom Berenger believes in the Cavs! I'll tell you what. I went to the bathroom and shaved at halftime tonight and I really, really wanted to slit my wrists. I had that feeling that all Clevelanders have experienced in which you know that the shit is hitting the fan but there is nothing that you can do about it. But I persevered, much like the Cavaliers, and I got to witness one of the best solo closings that I have ever seen.

37 and 14 and 12. Wow.

The King was absolutely transcendent (big word alert!) in that 4th quarter. He would not allow that team to lose. How it took them 4.75 games to post LeBron at the free throw line and let him operate, I do not know. But they have the recipe now. You don't get him the rock above the 3 point line, you get it to him where he can shoot or drive. That was perfect.

I am extremely pissed off about this team continually blowing huge first half leads though. I mean, what the fuck? Mo Williams comes out on fire and D-Lo is also tearing it up but it all falls to shit in almost no time. That has to change.

I'm glad that the Cavs didn't get a bunch of homer calls. All in all, I thought that game 5 was officiated very well. There were very few weak and questionable calls. Everything called on Howard was legit. You worry, as far as the integrity of the game goes, that the refs will take it upon themselves to stretch out a series. They didn't tonight. The Cavs earned that. It wasn't easy but all that matters is that we are heading back to Cleveland. Unfortunately, our celebrity fans of A-Rod, Mariano, CC, Big Ben, Brady the Fudgepacker, and Jay-Z will not be able to support us in game 6. It's us against the world.

So what does it all mean? Well, the Cavs survived to live and fight another day. They are playing better while Orlando is starting to miss some of the shots that they drilled in the first four games. And now the pressure is on the Magic. They HAVE to close this thing out at home. They don't want to come back up to Cleveland. They WILL lose if they have to come back to The Q. I'll take that. Let's see how they respond to having their backs sort of against the wall. Will they continue to stay hot or will they shrink in the big moment? It's why the NBA Playoffs are so great and can't miss TV...you just never know what will happen in this great game.

For game 6, I will be watching it at over at commenter GSaul's law school graduation party. It just so happens to be going up against his Wings game 1 but, come on, I'm a guest! I promise that I will run the best remote ever. And I will be continuing my superstition of sitting on the floor. Congrats, GSaul, now let's support your Cleveland Cavaliers!!! Back on Monday...hopefully still wanting to talk hoops.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: Spiritual Ethics


I'm sitting around the other day thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, She-Money keeps dropping all of these monster bills my way, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing." Whenever I see fit, I'm going to do a post about some horrible aspect of the wedding planning process. If you guys take one piece of advice from me, let it be this:

There is nothing wrong with getting married. There is everything wrong with planning a wedding. Everything about it sucks and it is ripe to be blogged/bitched about. I've already ranted and raved about flowers, the DJ, groomsmen gifts, real estate, and who could forget my epic Bed Bath and Beyond tirade. It's been awhile but the feature is back...today I delve into the dicey realm of Spiritual Ethics.

OK. So She$ and I are getting ready to meet with the pastor who is performing our ceremony. Apparently, all couples have to do this (unless you elope...which you should...you should really elope). It's one of those situations that she tells me this and I brush it off with a "whatever, just tell me when and where to be and if I have to put on pants". But it's not that simple, you see. In fact, the meeting with your holy man might be the most scary part of the entire marriage process. Maybe I'm overreacting to this though.

She$ informs me that we have to fill out this packet of stuff for the pastor. Why? I don't really know. It's one of those things that makes no sense at all but since everyone does it, so do you. I guess it's like tipping a bartender more than spare change for getting you a bottle of Bud Light. He/she didn't really do anything but they want a 50-75% tip? But what happens...you oblige them like the pussies that you are. Anyway, this survey type thing starts off with all the normal shit that you would expect: your definition of marriage, what do you expect from your spouse, blah, blah, blah. Ironically, this was a really tough section for me because I have no idea what to expect and I just assume that my life will be exactly the same now except my bed space will be cut in half, someone will always do my laundry and cook my food, and I will never have to clean anything ever again. Who says that chivalry is dead?

But then this book of questions sort of goes off the deep end into a dimension that is both inappropriate and somewhat erotic. First comes two pages of questions about sex. And not just general shit, it feels like this book wants details. My favorite question was, "what sexual activities become off limits after marriage"? Hilarious. You all can finish that joke in your own deranged way. Keep in mind, these answers that we give are for a man of the cloth. Then there is a full page about the AIDS virus! AIDS! Seriously. In a marriage guidebook. But that's not all. Oh no, no survey would be complete without two pages of questions wondering if you or your spouse has a drug or alcohol problem! One of the questions asked if I ever felt the need for an "eye opener"! Priceless. And finally, this book wanted me to write down all of my financial information in some sort of weirdo budget thing which I did not do. These answers may be for God's eyes only...but I don't trust anybody with my limited bankroll.

So here is the problem: it's not cool to lie to a priest/pastor. We can all agree on this. But at the same time, if he asks me some of the shit that was in this book, he sure as shit isn't getting the truth. No one needs to know about my ample collection of Bridget the Midget tapes or my fantasy of getting railroaded by Darth Vader or the fact that whenever Gone In 60 Seconds is on TNT, I watch it. That shit is embarrassing. I barely want to admit this stuff to myself let alone other people. So how do I go about this? We are talking about the thinnest of fine lines to walk here.

I am thinking of being very brief with my answers. Yes's and no's and that's it. Kind of like what lawyers tell stupid people to do. Don't incriminate yourself. If he asks about donkey shows, for Christ sake, just say that you don't know what he's talking about. Anyone else got a suggestion here? Maybe I'm overthinking this and it's really not that bad. Where all my married fucks at?

One thing that I know is for sure...this pastor is going to hate me. Unless the priest just so happens to be Judas Priest. That would be cool. But I would probably get raped by Rob Halford. I'm your turbo lover, bitch.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Best Basketball Player Ever


The NBA Draft is sometime in late June I think, and the general consensus is that Oklahoma PF Blake Griffin will go first to the Clippers. But maybe they should pass on Griffin. Why do I say this? Because there is a certain teenager in this year's draft who may just be the best basketball player to ever live. And he's serious about this, too. And no, it is not Ricky Rubio.

The greatest player alive is none other than Byron James Mullens. You don't have to take it from me either...just ask him!!!

“I can get compared to Kevin Garnett, his inside game,” Mullens told Hoopsworld. “Outside game, Dirk Nowitzki, explosive like Amar’e (Stoudemire). Those three guys I like to compare myself and mix them all together and do a little bit of triple threat.”

Wow. That is a lot to digest right there. I watched probably 15 Ohio State games this past winter and I'm not really sure if I saw any of these things in which BJ speaks of. Let's see...his inside game is not like Garnett's because all that Mullens does is dunk over guys that he is much bigger than. I've never seen him make a shot longer than a lay-up so this outside game baffles me. And unless "explosive" also means "plays uninspired for 95% of the season", then the comparisons to Amare stump this blogger.

But I do see some similarities to the 3 all-star basketball players that BJ Mullens is apparently a mixture of:
Garnett - maybe BJ will have a long career of sucker-punching smaller teammates and acting like an asshole on the court
Nowitzki - I can totally see him getting conned by some whore who also fucked former rotten QB Tony Banks
Amare - if there is anyone that can poke his own eye out while doing something basic like tying his shoes or trimming his 'stache, it's BJ.

I just don't get it. Confidence is important for professional athletes to possess but deranged lunacy is an entirely different thing. Oh, and BJ is working out for the Cavs first and thinks that he can go as high as 3 to the Thunder...you can't beat an Ohio State education for 2 quarters. Dipshit. I "do a little bit of triple threat", too, when I shit, shower, and shave all in one bathroom visit. For some reason, I believe that my trio of skills will translate better to the NBA.

I Just Don't Know...

Seriously, what the fuck can they do? The Cavs played extremely well tonight and it wasn't good enough. They got contributions from everyone. They played exactly like they did all season. Now they sit on the brink of elimination.

Orlando is making EVERYTHING. When the Cavs get a decent lead, they ALWAYS make a three to shrink it. Losers like Rafer Alston are dropping 20+ points. That French fuck Pietrus has gone from journeyman to star in 4 games. They don't fucking miss. It isn't their coaching or their big man, it's that they make every god damn shot that they need. It's frustrating but what are the Cavs going to do??? I'm not even that mad about the game. I'm just throwing my arms up and saying "what the fuck". My blood pressure is through the fucking roof.

Look, I'm not one that usually believes in the sports curses. The Cubs have been mismanaged for a century. The Bills were always the lesser team in the Super Bowl. The Red Sox just choked. But I'm starting to get the feeling that this curse on Cleveland is real. I mean, Rashard Lewis isn't even having that good of a series (he doesn't do anything in the first three quarters), yet his clutch three's have them up 3-1 instead of down 3-1. Maybe Cleveland is destined to never have anything good happen to them. I don't know...but it sucks.

Can the Cavs still come back and win this series? Sure, they can. But my hope is starting to diminish. Where are the chinks in Orlando's armor? I guess that I just have to believe that the Magic will eventually cool off and stop making 17 god damn three's in a game. I'm not ready for this season to end...not like this.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

23 From 23 and Game 3


Dude, I just umpired three games yesterday and I'm sore as fuck. I did my duty as an American and threw some dicks on the grill. Hebrew National Knockwurst is where it's at. Since there is nothing on TV, I'm watching Return of the Jedi for the 5,023rd time. So I guess that the only thing left to talk about is the Eastern Conference Finals, amirite?

GAME 2:
--I watched this up at Rick's Sports Bar with commenters Naptown Wolverine and Mr. Ace. Li'l Strut was there for awhile regaling us with tales of his prior sexual conquests. It was awful. He is awful.
--The Cavs blew another big lead.
--Dwight Howard sucked but Shard and Hedo kept them in it.
--Hedo throws down the dagger with a second left.
--Nap Wolve has sympathy shots in hand waiting for the final buzzer to go off and the Cavs to go down 0-2.
--King James nails down one of the coldest shots that you will ever see. EVER. I wish that someone would have taped my reaction. I'm quite certain that I screamed "SICK NASTY" (for some reason) in between wild and uncontrollable fist pumps and hugs from a potential gay man.
--I grabbed the cherry bomb from NW's sausage fingers and slammed the fucker. I may or may not have grinded my junk on Mr. Ace's head.
--Dude, whether you love LeBron or hate him (or hate the Cavs in general), that shit was amazing.
--I managed to get as drunk as humanly possible. Pissed off a few Rick's employees by doing "LeBomb James" shots and throwing sugar into the air. I was loud. I was obnoxious. I was the LeBron James of celebratory boozing on Friday night. I drank so much that it led to a Saturday night of drinking water and playing Risk. That is how you know that you got shit-faced the night before.

Game 3:
--A complete shit sandwich. I never felt like the Cavs were going to win that one.
--For the third time, LeBron was only the Cav that consistently scored and even he couldn't make a jumper.
--70+ free throws??? Someone please tell me why Joey Crawford is still officiating playoff games. He fucking sucks ass.
--If Dwight Howard is going to make 14 free throws then the Magic are going to win the title.
--As great as game 2's finish was, the Cavs needed to capitalize on that momentum.

Thoughts heading into game 4:
--The Magic role players are actually scoring. The Cavs are not and it's frustrating as shit.
--Anderson Varejao has, BY FAR, been the worst player on the court this series.
--It's do or die tonight. If the Cavs lose, it's over.
--I'm willing to admit that the Magic are the better team but I still hold out hope that they will do something stupid and fuck this up.

I'm officially nervous now. This fantastic season is hanging in the balance. SOMEONE ELSE HAS TO STEP UP. By the way, I just listened to Mr. T. sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame. Really, Cubs? It's Memorial Day and the best that you could do was Mr. T.? For your information, he was wearing American flag pants with a matching bandana and a Mr. T. #12 Cubs jersey. Hilarious.

I'm sorry about the post today but with all of the fucking cottonwood shit in the air, I can barely breathe right now. And yes, we will be talking more about the playoffs again tomorrow. Do you really think that I would discuss WhiteTrashlander anyway? I'm better than that.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Look Who's Back


I think you will all agree that you enjoy baseball season the most when the Yankees are underachieving. People are constantly calling for the manager's head. Our high-priced players are sucking. It's great, right? Well, gentlemen, please enjoy this massive slice of "blow me" pie while I grab my junk and make suggestive references about your mothers. Because this feels really fucking good right now. The Yankees have now won 9 in a row and all of the doubters from a few weeks ago now are changing their tune (Steve Phillips) and saying that the Bombers are legit World Series contenders (they always have been).

Of course, I knew this all along. But whatever. The starting pitching has gotten right. Have you seen what CC has done the past 5 starts? Domination. Like he did with the Brewers but in a much better league now. They just keep cranking out quality start after quality start. And although Chamberlain went down last night and who knows how long "Mark Prior, Jr." is going to be out, it appears that Wang has figured his shit out and is ready to come back. I'm not holding my breath on that one but at least Phil Hughes has been decent.

The bullpen still blows. Even Mariano has been shaky having served up 6 dongs already this season. Phil Coke has been a pleasant surprise and Brian Bruney is back in his role as 8th inning ass-kicker. I'm really digging Alfredo Aceves. They guy is awesome. He should have made the roster after Spring Training. Jonathan Albaladejo, even with the hardest last name to pronounce ever, needs to be taken out back and shot.

But how about that offense? People like to say that the new Yankee Stadium is a "bandbox". What the fuck does that mean exactly? What is a bandbox? Whatever. As idiots like to say, "it is what it is" and the Yankees know how to hit there. I attribute this all to the return of A-Rod. Sure, he's hitting under .200 but his presence alone in the lineup has apparently gotten everyone going. Johnny Damon might be the MVP of the league through the first quarter of the season. Melky Cabrera has been shockingly awesome.

Let's not forget about the impact of Nick Swisher either. By the way, am I making you puke yet? The team actually looks like they are having fun this year and it's largely due to Swish and Burnett. AJ's throwing pies in people's faces like he's Krusty The Clown. Swish has a mohawk now reminiscent of Don Mattingly's hair in The Simpsons softball episode. Brett Gardner is promising and hitting home runs for little kids in the hospital. They are holding a "kangaroo court" in the clubhouse before games where Mariano is the judge and Jeter, AJ, and Pettitte serve as the jury. I have no idea what a kangaroo court is but I assume that it's awesome. Is it like a Friar's club roast? I wouldn't fuck A-Rod with Madonna's dick. A lot can be said about team chemistry (look at the Cavs) and it appears that the Yankees have it this season and we're starting to see it play out on the field. Great start...lofty start.

Personally, other than A-Rod, I think that the Yankees are a very likeable team. There are no bad guys on the team (like Sheffield) and at least Alex is banging Kate Hudson now. She's not hot but at least she isn't eligible for an AARP card or a tranny. So he's got that going for him. But before I end this post that is sickening to almost all of you, how about a little nonsense from John Sterling?

Sterling is the asshole that broadcasts the games on the radio and does the "Yankees win, the-uh-uh-uh-uh YANKEES WINNNNN!" thing. He sucks at life. And his personalized home run calls are even worse. Allow me to explain:
An A-BOMB...from A-Rod!!!
A Swisher Sweet!
(For Jeter) EL CAPITAN!
And Georgie JUICES ONE!
A TEIX MESSAGE!--this one is the worst
Robbie Cano...DON'T CHA KNOW!
and, of course...
YOU'RE ON THE MARK..............TEIXEIRA!--that is so awful
I can't wait for him to embarrass himself with a "FRANCISCO CERVELLI STROMBOLI"!!!

The Yankees spend so much money on the on-field product yet have the worst announcers on the planet. I hate them so much. I don't get it. This weekend we get to put the defending champs in their place. The Yankees are not going to lose the rest of the season. Suck it. World Series, bitches.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

That Sucked


I didn't actually think that the Cavaliers would go 16-0 in the playoffs, but I did think that they would win all of their home games. Man, that loss fucking smarts. Sonofabitch bastard. A few thoughts since the game is fresh on my mind.

1. Sure, LBJ hung 49 tonight but it wasn't a great game for The King. The offense of him holding onto the ball until there are 5 seconds left on the shot clock is fucking terrible. That needs to stop immediately. They had no flow and no rhythm in the halfcourt. Disgusting really. But I guess he had no choice because...

2. Delonte and Mo need to step up. Bad games for both of those two in matchups that they should dominate. You have got to hit those open jumpers and they didn't tonight. I'm a little concerned about Mo because he's been skittish thus far throughout the postseason. They need to be consistent. Less than 40% from the field isn't going to cut it.

3. The defense in the first half was brilliant. The key to beating Orlando is to let Howard get his and defend the perimeter. For some reason, they fucking forgot about that in the second and allowed Hedo and Shard to go nuts. They just looked so god damn slow out there. With that said...

4. For God's sake, why is Andy guarding Lewis on the last possession!!! What the fuck?

5. They settled for waaaaaay too many jumpers tonight. The Cavs have made a living at the free throw line and they barely got there at all in game 1. That has to change. Who gives a fuck if Howard is in the paint? The fucker is a fouling machine. Take it to the rack!

Ugh. The first tight playoff game for the Cavs and they couldn't get a stop when they needed it. Very frustrating. I'm not worried yet as I believe that Orlando will show up to game 2 just happy to have won one in Cleveland and the Cavs will beat them by double digits. But still. It should not have come down to that. The defense was absolutely putrid. Fuck. LeBron will not let that shit happen again. Time to regroup and put those fucks in their place.

Climbing The Werner Ladder


Which, by the way, is the OFFICIAL ladder of March Madness! A quick post before talking way too much about game 1 of the ECF:

Many people out there were skeptical when Kentucky hired John Calipari away from Memphis to make their program relevant again. He kind of seems like a shady guy and a snake oil salesman who lives his life in a moral and ethical gray area. But let me tell you something, joy-boy...

UK is going to the Final Four next year. Mark it down. You heard it here first. Shit, how about this, if Jodie Meeks returns (which he probably will since he isn't a first round pick eventhough he can shoot the lights out of Rupp Arena) the Cats will win it all next year. I'm sticking my neck out on the line here and I don't give a fuck if you point and laugh.

Calipari already returns a dominant scorer in Meeks (again, I think he comes back) and a decent PF in Patrick Patterson. He brings in two of the best big men in the country with DeMarcus Cousins and Daniel Orton. And the big coup for UK was landing PG John Wall from Tobacco Road. Wall is being compared to Derrick Rose. Calipari, in less than TWO MONTHS, has put together the best recruiting class in the country. Amazing. And the guy can flat out coach. The dribble drive motion offense is fantastic and he already has the players to run it.

Sure, Kentucky will be young but I don't care. These guys are loaded and cranky commenter, Seal, is going to get a boner watching these kids dominate the SEC this winter. College hoops talk in May, you ask? Fuck yeah we're talking college hoops. Any time I can shoot off some weirdo prediction, you better believe that I'm going to. College hoops is just better when Kentucky is good and I think that that we're back to that again. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to googling, "ashley judd topless". Thank you.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The NBA's Slammies


Unless you've been living under a rock over the past two days, you already know that the NBA and WWE are in an awesome feud over the rights to Denver's Pepsi Arena for Monday night. These two entities together are like nuts and gum...they only make sense in cartoon cans. Anyway, Vince McMahon had a contract to use the arena that night, the NBA told him to fuck off, Vinnie Mac got a ton of surprisingly good publicity for his franchise, and the NBA kicked him out officially yesterday. Granted, he's going to settle and probably make 8 figures on changing venues but it really does make the NBA look like shit. What kind of an idiot books up his arena when there is a chance that the team may need it that night? I'll tell you who: an NBA team owner. This just proves that just because you are rich, it does not mean that you have any common sense at all. It's a nice backdrop for the Western Conference Finals though (which tip off after I have already finished this post).

So in an honor of this awesome feud in which surprisingly no one has been hit with a steel chair, I'm handing out pro wrestling-related awards for players on the Nuggets and Lakers. And if this reads like something that Bill Simmons would write, well, you would be right. Fuck him though, his Clippers season tickets just got a lot more awesome with Blake Griffin coming in. And the awards go to...

The Hacksaw Jim Duggan Award for the guy that "everyone roots for but secretly hates": Derek Fisher
-Duggan was the retard that everyone cheered for out of pity. Everyone feels like they should cheer for Fisher because his kid had sight issues a few years ago and he was all of a sudden the father of the year. I don't like him. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The Ric Flair Memorial Dirtiest Player In The Game award: Kenyon Martin
-Flair was the best at getting away with a punch to the nuts or poking the eyes. K-Mart doesn't even try to hide his rough play as Dirk can attest.

The Andre The Giant award for "smelliest foreign big man": Pau Gasol
-Does Gasol even shower? Most of you have probably heard about Andre's legend when it came to drinking. Can you imagine how bad he smelled after a night of 100 beers and 2 bottles of cognac?

The Jake "The Snake" Roberts award for most likely to show up to an event strung out on crack: Chris Andersen
-Birdman was suspended from the league for 2 years for drug abuse that we still don't really no what for sure he was suspended for. If you've seen Beyond The Mat, you know that Roberts enjoyed scoring crack and scoring threesomes on the road. Nothing wrong with that.

The Mark Henry "everyone keeps telling you that he's good but he sort of just sucks and can't stay healthy" award: Andrew Bynum
-The World's Strongest Man still to this day gets built up like some force but I've never heard anyone cheer or even boo him. He's just there. Same thing with Bynum. Everyone says that he is a stud and will be a franchise center and, while he is still young, the guy can't stay on the court. And he has been terrible in the playoffs.

The Bret Hart award for displaying "excellence in the field of execution": Chauncey Billups
-Personally, I feel like Billups is one of the most overrated players in basketball solely because everyone always talks about how clutch he is and that he's underrated. The guy hasn't hit a big shot since 2004. But he plays the game the right way just like the Hitman. And much like Hart, expect David Stern to steal this series from him.

The Vince McMahon award for the most pompous ass in the world with a massive ego: Phil Jackson
-You know, when Phil was with the Bulls and through his first trip in LA, I don't remember him being this big of a contentious douche. He doesn't coach at all anymore. Sometimes Vince's ego gets the best of him when he does things like faking his own death, too. It feels like Phil believes that he is entitled for title #10.

The Rock award for the guy who is finally more than just an offensive sideshow and is putting it all together: Carmelo Anthony
-Finally, Melo gets it and has become the all-around player that we wanted him to be. Much like when The Rock finally honed his charisma to go with his in-ring skills. Ironically, Joe Dumars decided that Darko and AI was a better fit than Melo and Chauncey...brilliant man there.

The Macho Man Randy Savage award goes to the most insane person on the floor that can also flash greatness: JR Smith
-Didn't you always get the feeling like Savage could snap at any moment and start choking the life out of Bad News Brown or some shit? JR Smith is just like that. Oh sure, he's fully capable of putting up 40 points in 20 minutes. But he is also capable of lighting George Karl on fire and shoving Slim Jim's in his dickhole.

The Umaga award for player "most likely to swear/talk smack to someone in a foreign language": Nene
-I don't like guys with their first name on the back of their jersey. That being said, if I was a foreigner, I would be swearing in Portuguese all game. Dick Bavetta can't even hear anymore and he surely doesn't know a foreign language. Umaga rules.

The Doink The Clown "you have no business being employed" award: Luke Walton
-I found Doink hilarious in my younger years, but come on, an evil wrestling clown? There is no excuse for that. Just like there is no excuse for Walton to be in the league. He does absolutely nothing well except for embarrassing white people.

The John Cena "everyone hates you but you are too dumb to notice" award: Kobe Bryant
-I'll never understand those die-hard Kobe fans out there. The guy is a bad dude. And not good bad either. I think he's too stupid to realize that people hate him, too. Like we are to dumb to forget about what happened with that hotel worker. Cena is just the fucking worst. Have you seen The Marine? Have you heard his rap skills? I would rather lick Rosie O'Donnell's mustache than put myself through that shit again.

The Koko B. Ware "most likely to have a parrot land on your arm while sitting on the bench": Renaldo Balkman
-I still don't know how Koko qualified to be a WWE Hall of Famer but whatever. Balkman has the long dreads and sort of looks like a Somali pirate. I could see him flapping his wings at Chris Andersen during some game and a parrot lands on his shoulder. Hey, they advertise "where amazing happens".

The Kane Memorial "big red retard" award: Sasha Vujacic
-Kane is the Big Red Machine and looks like he's got mental problems. Vujacic is known as The Machine and is definitely a retarded prepubescent girl. This is a slam dunk. But does Sasha have a father named Paul Bearer and a brother who is an undertaker???

The Mankind "most likely to live in a boiler room and rip out his own hair" award: Adam Morrison
-How amazing was Mankind when he was first on the scene? He was insane and didn't appear to be human. Same can be said about Morrison. There is no way that anyone on the Lakers talks to him and I guarantee that he goes home at night and constantly rips his hair out over his quick arrival to Bustville.

Well, there you go. How about that, eh, combining old school pro wrestlers with modern day basketball players. I sure am one amazing blogger. In fact, I'm just a sexy boy...I'm not your boy toy. You see, these are the kinds of posts that you get when I'm going through Cavs withdrawal.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Someone Woke Up The NFL


Many times in the past, I have linked to or suggested to read Peter King's Monday Morning QB over at SI.com. It's sort of insightful in a wistful and queer kind of way. After all, he did say that the Browns were the worst team in the league two weeks ago. But I've recently stumbled onto something that made these articles even better. Each Monday afternoon, a few hours after MMQB is unleashed, Kissing Suzy Kolber (one of the greatest football sites ever) takes Peter behind the woodshed and sodomizes the shit out of his work. It is fantastic...Upstate Underdog can vouch for this, too. I mean, when you say things like, "I don't like the Dolphins 4th round selection of WR Brian Hartline...I love it", you are kind of asking to be ripped on.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, King rambled on an on about the speaking engagement that he did in Sydney, OH. I actually mentioned this in the comments yesterday but I'm telling it again. The friendly western Ohio locals took him to a place called "Toone P. Wiggins" afterwards for some football talk and, more importantly, 45 plates of spicy shrimp. Well, there has not been a ton of news recently surrounding the NFL but I like to think that me driving by the human garbage disposal's favorite shrimpery helped get the League back in the news. It was as if Toone and I had to cross paths to kickstart the news cycle again. And wow, there is a lot of shit to sift through from Monday. Shall we...in bullet point form!

***Tony Kornheiser's Broadcasting Career (2007-2009)
Thank God that this is over. TK sucked some serious balls in the booth. But to be fair, it wasn't his idea to put him in an analyst role that he was insanely unprepared for. I don't know if any of you remember it, but Tony's old radio show that preceded The Herd (and was far, far superior) was outstanding. People think that Tony is good on PTI but believe me, he was amazing on his radio show. Like I said, it's not his fault that ESPN thought that he could handle live TV. I guess you can blame him for constantly talking about Brett Favre in games that he was not playing in, his fantasy football team that was terrible, and randomly bringing up Sarah Palin unprovoked. So he's gone and will be lumped with Dennis Miller as the worst things to ever happen to Monday Night Football since Eric Dickerson. His replacement is Jon Gruden. Really? First of all, it's been proven EVERYWHERE that 3 man booths suck cock. Tirico and Jaws can do it themselves. Jaws and Chucky are the same damn people. Guys with insider information, no sense of humor, and ability to break down tape. Do you really think that Gruden will be criticizing anyone? He doesn't want to offend a potential future employer. This is going to be a trainwreck...again. ESPN is awful. Sure, they let go of Tony and Emmitt Smiff yet bring in Gruden and HERM! to replace them. Disgusting.

***James Harrison is a terrorist
Listen, asshole. Sure, you just got paid. You've won two Super Bowls in 4 years. You are not the King of the World. You are not LeBron James. At the end of the day, you are still the same sack of shit that had some white chick who was too terrified to say no to you do all of your homework at Kent State. You did it before and it wasn't cool then. WHEN YOU ARE INVITED TO MEET THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, YOU GO. No questions asked. Have plans? Break them. You sure as shit don't come up with the most retarded quote of the year:
"I don't feel the need to go, actually," Harrison told Pittsburgh station WTAE-TV. "I don't feel like it's that big a deal to me." Harrison doesn't believe the invitation is all that special, saying if the Steelers hadn't beaten the Cardinals 27-23 with a last-minute rally, "He [Obama] would have invited Arizona."
What do you say to a man that stupid other than "how much money do you contribute to the Taliban?" Maybe someone should remind him that the current President is a fucking Steelers fan? It does not matter what side of the party line that you fall on, this is bullshit. Fuck Harrison.

***The Eagles are in trouble
Mr. Ace can say what he wants to about his Eagles, but defensive coordinator, Jim Johnson, has been the heart and soul of that team for the past however many years he has been there. It's not Andy Reid or McChoke or Westbrook or Dawkins...it's Johnson. He's been the rock. And unfortunately, he's starting chemo for his skin cancer soon and his timetable for a return is unknown. This is bad news. Even I am not callous enough to hope that he doesn't come back. He's a genius. But if for some reason he can't make it back to the sidelines, the Eagles are done before the preseason even begins.

***Buffalo is fucked up
The city of Buffalo gave T.O. a key to the city yesterday. Jesus Christ. This mayor really doesn't want to get re-elected, does he? If you live in Buffalo, call a locksmith as Terrell will likely be in everyone's houses looking for suicide pills.

***No.
I am not going to discuss Brett Favre's trip to Dr. James Andrews. No. No fucking way am I getting sucked into that.

***I might get the NFL Network soon
Peter reported yesterday morning that Roger Goodell and ComCast were close to reaching an agreement to put the NFL Network on the basic cable package. If it goes through it is expected that the NFL should reach deals with all of the other cable companies, too. Hells fucking yes. It's about god damned time. I HATE missing televised games. Fucking greedy bitches...it's all about me, dammit!

***Can Fox please hire Mariano Rivera to write for 24
Jesus Christ, what a shit sandwich of a finish. You know, they have no problem keeping the first 18 hours interesting but every damn season they close out with a pussy fart. That was awful. Really? Kim Bauer gets the last words of the season? Why isn't she dead yet!!! How do they keep killing off all of the good characters yet keep the same fucking abysmal people around. If I could kill one person, it would be Mary Lynn Rajskub. This truly is the show that I love to hate.

Whew, that was a lot to digest for a Monday in May. Great day. Lofty day. Now if you don't mind, I've got 4 plates of spicy shrimp to finish before lunch.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Where Disappointment Happens


Damn. I really wanted the Cavaliers to be the one's that sent Paul Pierce's pussy home. But instead, I have to settle on reveling in the worst week in recent Boston sports history. Think about it. Big Poopi gets benched after stranding 12 runners in a game and the Red Sox publicly acknowledging that this guy sucks without steroids. The Bruins lost a home game seven to a team from North fucking Carolina and gave up the game winning goal to a guy who should have been suspended. And then the Celtics get sent packing by a soft team that only shoots three's. Suck on that, Kevin Garnett, you queermo.

So that leaves us with the final four in the NBA. I'll be honest, and I am one of the bigger fans of the NBA out there, these two series aren't very interesting to me, let alone the common fan. Sure, we still have the stars around with Kobe, Melo, Superman, and The King, but...ugh. It would have been so much more intriguing with a Spurs/Lakers and Celtics/Cavs matchups. Predictions for the Finals (these will shock no one):

Lakers over Nuggets in 7 - It will be kind of compelling but I see 5 of these games being blowouts. Phil Jackson has done an awful job all postseason getting his players to play hard every game. George Karl is a train wreck waiting to happen. The Lakers will lose one of the first two at home but they won't lose the series. The rest that Denver is getting now will hurt them.

Cavaliers over Magic in 5 - Not the best matchup for the Cavs since they don't defend talented big men all that well but I'm not too concerned. They will focus on slowing down Turkugly, Lewis, and Pietrus instead. Let Howard get whatever he wants. Hedo guarding LeBron? Please. Delonte worked his ass off bodying up Joe Johnson last series and now he gets two weeks off with his matchup against JJ Redick and his perfectly coifed hair. Stan Van Gundy is not very good and the Magic tend to come up small when the pressure is on. Don't give me a "well, they did win in Boston for a game seven". Yeah, they should have closed that out in 5. The Cavs are more focused and hungry. It's not Orlando's time yet and they aren't strong enough mentally to win at The Q.

Cavs/Lakers in the Finals. It's going to happen. David Stern won't let it happen any other way. But then again, we knew that 3 months ago. And be prepared, since this is big time important to me, expect posts after every game.

Mac Is Back


I'm not a gamer. Sure, I can stomp all of your asses in Golden Tee but I prefer watching TV when I'm at home over playing video games. But that might change. This week, Nintendo is releasing "Punch-Out" for Wii. Now, Mike Tyson's Punchout, I have decided, is the greatest video game of all time. Don't get me wrong, the Tecmo franchise, NBA Jam, and Baseball Stars were great...but this was perfection.

It only makes sense that Nintendo would be bringing Little Mac and Doc back. Unfortunately, it appears that Mike Tyson has nothing to do with this project. He's too busy singing Phil Collins songs to Andy Bernard. I think that Tyson has reached the point in his life in which he has a pink glow around him and is one punch away from getting knocked out.

This is awesome though. Nintendo managed to get back all of the old boxers. They got Von Kaiser out of jail for his war crimes during World War II. Great Tiger quit his job as a telemarketer. King Hippo was taken off the cast of The Biggest Loser. Piston Honda shut down production of the Accord. Soda Popinski prematurely left rehab. Super Macho Man left the gay biker's club where he lives. Don Flamenco burned down his pizza shop to collect the insurance money to bring he and Carmen back to the ring. And G$ managed to squeeze in over 5 stereotypes into one paragraph without mentioning that Doc loves him some orange drank.

Either way, this can only be a good thing other than the likely exhaustion from trying to box 15 straight people. Maybe the new Punch-Out will make boxing relevant again. It probably won't though since Nintendo probably replaced Tyson at the end with Yoshi, WaLuigi, or Donkey Kong. People always fuck with good things. Join the Nintendo Fan Club today!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Zeke Is Coming To Town


Earlier this week, it was announced that Kosta Koufos's former team would be playing in the Coaches vs. Cancer tournament to tip off the 2009-10 season. North Carolina, Cal, and Syracuse are also confirmed meaning that this tournament should be legit.

The Buckeyes have already made it public that their first round opponent will be none other than Florida International. Yep, Isiah Thomas makes his college coaching debut at The Schott and has to deal with a team featuring no competent point guards or centers...just like his old Knicks teams!!! He better figure out how to defend the bone-crushing screens of Mark Titus.

I'm glad that I'm not a mildly attractive black woman because if I were, I would stay far away from that game. I don't need to be getting my ass pinched and called a bitch. And honestly, who could turn down that mischievous glare of Zeke? I know that I couldn't. What a shithead. And making his college coaching debut in the land of the shitheads makes so much sense. Well done, Coaches Vs. Cancer people!

Basically what it all boils down to is two-fold:
1. Isiah's first game of his next disaster opens up in Columbus
2. Where all the black women at?

*********************************

Sorry for the abbreviated post today. I've got a rough next 24 hours with a full day of work, driving to Cincy for Hahn's wedding, driving back to Napoleon for a funeral on Saturday morning, and then driving back to Columbus. Is it illegal to beat off while driving? Well I'm about to find out.

Anyway, since I've let you down and somewhat mailed it in today, do yourself a favor and head on over to YouTube. Search "Carl Monday" and "Cleveland Tourism" and get ready for mind-blowing Ohio-based comedy. Sorry, people, but sometimes real world shit gets in the way of my blogging career. If you don't like it, start your own blog. See you on Monday.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

CONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!


Since that new Star Trek movie came out last week and losers always say that Wrath of Khan was the best one of those nerd movies, for some reason this man's name popped into my mind. Allow me to explain.

I'm starting to get a little bit older now. I forget names and faces. I wake up in the middle of the night needing to piss at least once a week. I'm sore for three days after playing a round of golf. The memory starts to slip a bit. I tend to forget what days some of my TV shows are on and what the date is, but there is one thing that I will never forget. And we have ALL experienced one of these. Yes, the thing (and in this case, person) that I will never forget is that kid that was in your class that was at least 5 years older than you and your classmates. He probably smoked and wore a denim jacket and listened to Guns and Roses. Your very own Billy Madison except that he wasn't rich, it wasn't about scoring hotels from his dad, and he looked like a 30 year old drifter that lived under the bridge. He was terrifying.

That man--no--that LEGEND to me and the rest of Napoleon City Schools area was the great Jerry Conn.

I have never seen such brute strength on an athletic field as I saw out of Conn back in the days of the West Elementary Field Day competitions. I was a better than average combatant in these events myself, but if I saw that Conn was participating in the same thing like the "Ball Kick", I would back out. The guy had armpit hair! How was an 11 year old G$ supposed to out-kick that! For the record, I watched Conn, a 5th grader mind you, kick a ball at least 4 country miles. Second place chimed in at 40 feet. I have no regrets.

That same day, I decided to sack up and go for the glory. It was no longer about getting that first place blue ribbon or representing Mrs. Gubernath's class. It was a David and Goliath moment the likes of which had not been seen since biblical times. I went head-to-head with the mammoth Conn in the "Ball Throw" event. It was pretty simple (and quite stupid I should add). You got two softballs and whoever threw it the furthest won. Now even at 11, I had a pretty good arm. I could give it a good heave and I figured that this was my best chance to slay the dragon named Jerry. I'm quite certain that Conn and I were the only two entrants in this event. Businesses closed to come see this showdown on Field Day on that sunny May afternoon on Westmont Street. It was the biggest event in Napoleon since the 1981 state basketball championship. I launched first...a solid throw that wouldn't necessarily make the beast sweat, but it loosened my arm up a bit. Conn replied with a bomb, but not his best work. I could definitely beat it. I reared back for my final throw and I'm fairly certain that if any 11 year old kid could tear his rotator cuff completely off of the bone, I accomplished it that day. I threw that ball as absolutely far as I could and the result was good...damn good actually. My arm was detached from my body, but I had a feeling that it was good enough to unseat the wookie named Conn. His reply to my bullet toss was throwing the ball around the world. This event happened 17 years ago and I still don't think that that ball landed. It was the most impressive athletic achievement that I've ever seen in my life. I tried to beat a man 4 times my age and he put me in my place. Hey, at least I brought out the best in the great beast. And I think that Conn respected me for that.

But Jerry Conn's skills were not limited to just the Field Day field. Oh no, the next year, our 6th grade year, Jerry decided to give basketball a whirl. I mean, why not? He's only 26 and with a full beard playing against 12 year olds, right?

The 1992 Kiddy Cat Cavs were a well-oiled machine featuring this blogger at guard. We had finished runner-up in the league the year prior and won it all in 1992. One of our big rivals was the Skeens-coached Bulls who were captained by the floor-slapping occasional commenter, Pietsch. The Bulls weren't the most skilled team in the league but they were tough, scrappy, and the most likely team to have a player arrested in the middle of a game. Kind of like those old Chuck Daly coached Bad Boys teams except much whiter. They did not give us our only loss that year (fucking St. John's), but what they did give us was a great memory. The baby Bulls featured their collection of Twin Towers with Pickle and Jerry Conn. They owned the paint but, by and large, weren't real offensive threats. But in one game, the big red machine Conn achieved the highest honor in basketball. He rebounded a missed terrible shot by someone like Justin Kimble while on his knees. He had the option of kicking it out to Pietsch for probably another missed jumper (!), but a mantaur like Conn does not think that way. Oh no. The Heartbreak Conn believed that he was in prime scoring position while not standing and decided to throw up some sort of bizarre hook shot-type thing. Swish, bitch. The man made a shot FROM HIS KNEES. It was absolutely sensational. We should have just ended the game right then and there because it was basketball at it's finest. I will never forget the day when I saw a 35 year old man with backne get a rebound and a basket while on his knees. Kiddy Cat Basketball: Where Amazing Happens.

After our 6th grade year, I never saw Jerry Conn again. I'm not sure anyone has seen him since actually. Like I said earlier, you never forget the kid in your class that was ten years older than everyone else and I will never forget Jerry Conn. Wait a minute, was Conn a figment of my imagination? An oasis of athletic achievement? Nah, that Ball Throw event was all too real. Jerry, if for some reason you google your name and this post pops up, feel free to drop me a line and we can swap memories of West School field days and whatnot.

I really, really hope that I can use the "Jerry Conn" label again.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Your Weekly Genetics Lesson


I know nothing about cars. The only things that I can comprehend are when I need gas, when my trunk is open, and when the sticker on my windshield says that I need an oil change. That is about it. Oh, and sometimes I can work the CD player, too. I'm a real wizard when it comes to automobiles. But, my future father-in-law does know plenty about this subject. And on August 1st, all of the information on car care will be passed on down to me just by saying "I do". I will be a top-notch mechanic in less than 3 months. Or at least that is what world-reknowned Genealogy expert, Dr. Roger Clemens, would like me to believe. And why shouldn't I believe him? He's clearly a MENSA member.

Some of you probably already saw this and if you haven't, get ready to feel better about your own mental faculties. The Red Rocket was on Mike and Mike yesterday morning (they did NOT discuss leg waxing or the Jets, I'm told) and slipped in this well-thought missive:

"That’s exactly right. He’s never injected me with HGH or steroids. You know guys, let me just add to it. Common sense…our family has a history of heart conditions. My brother had a heart attack in his late 40’s, my step-dad died of a heart attack. I mean it would be suicidal for me to think about even taking any of these dangerous drugs. It goes against what I talk about to kids (when I have a chance to talk to kids) of all ages about it. It’s really disheartening. I don’t want to say I have to put my guard up more around people because I’m not that type of person…I’m an outgoing person.”

Huh. I was completely unaware that you could marry into someone else's genetics. Dr. Clemens' step-dad must have some extremely powerful and contagious chromosomes if they are jumping over to another man's son. Fuck Swine Flu...we need to be more worried about this horrible pandemic of "Flying Genes". I don't want to be standing next to a retarded person at some point in the future and them rubbing all of their disabilities on me. That would not be cool at all. I've got a mindless job already, I don't want to sort glass for a living. Even I know that that is a bad career move.

You see, this is why we need to round up all of the idiots in the world and make them live in Australia or something. Think about it: you take all of the pedophiles, wife beaters, Clemens family, UFC fans, people that ride the elevator for only one floor, and many other dickheads and send them off into exile forever. They would be too dumb to figure out how to get off anyway. They could police themselves and hopefully within a decade, they would wipe each other off the face of the Earth. And then we could all live in peace without the fear of stupidity in our lives. What a utopia that would be...

Let's shift from Clemens the free thinker back to Clemens the liar. The more and more that this drags on, the more and more I think that he could be innocent. I mean, this guy is sooooooooo fucking stupid. There is no way that he is capable of upholding a lie for a year. It's impossible. For God's sake, the guy thinks that his step-dad is a genetic match with him AND he hired a guy named RUSTY to be his lawyer! Sly and crafty people would not do these things. A man this dumb could never handle the rigors of a steroids cycle. I guess that is probably where Brian McNamee came in to play.

Well, now everything is making sense. The man was simply just too moronic to know when to inject himself and he had to hire an assistant to keep track of it for him. How has the government not mandated Clemens to wear a helmet and water wings 24/7? Oh that's right, he lives in Texas. It's amazing how things have come full circle.

Now where's my hammer and screwdriver (my only tools)...it's time for me to put a new engine into Damman's piece of shit car. Don't worry...I'm an expert. At least I will be soon.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Respect Is Gone


First of all, how about this fantastic picture!

Second, I think it's time to show some sympathy toward Joba Chamberlain. Sunday was Mother's Day. Last week, Joba's mannish-mother was arrested for selling meth to an underage cop in the vast drug-fueled wasteland of the Nebraska plains. How do you think he celebrated Mother's Day? Does he call the county pen? Did his mom ask him to send a couple of cartons of Lucky Strikes? Did she want some funds so that Brooks could restock the library? Was she begging her son to get her out because of Boggs and the "sisters" rape-y ways? It couldn't have been a good day for young Joba. So let's all sit back and wish Joba the best in his personal life...

Anyway, and I'm sure that most of you saw the highlights, Joba had an incident on the mound on Sunday afternoon. He did his normal by giving up multiple runs in the first inning. This culminated with a 3 run homer given up to the great Aubrey Huff. Now Huff and Chamberlain apparently have a history. Last September, Joba struck him out in the 8th inning of a one run game. Keep in mind, the Yankees were struggling to get into playoff contention at that time so every win was big. He struck Huff out because everyone strikes Huff out and did his customary big fist pump. It's trademark Joba. Well, fast forward to Mother's Day after the Huff home run.

Huff, who likes to act pretty tough considering that he has a woman's first name, rounded first while staring at the Yankees pitcher and gave his own version of Joba's fist pump. How cute, tough guy. When he scored, HE DID THE SAME FUCKING THING. Now, if I'm Joba, I throw at that faggot's fucking head the next time up. There's a BIG difference between a September game in the 8th inning and a May game in the first. This was completely classless. Can Joba tone it down? Maybe, but it's who he is and he gets pumped up. I wouldn't like him as much as if he wasn't so emotional. There was no retaliation in the game because Joe Girardi is a pussy but believe me, it is coming. Huff will be wearing one in the ribs at some point this season.

What really pissed me off was watching Baseball Tonight and seeing Peter Gammons piss away any credibility that he had left with me. And the Hall of Famer has lost a lot of my respect over the past few years just because he doesn't even try to hide his love for the Red Sox anymore. It's ridiculous. Ravech asks him his opinion on the Huff bullshit and his reply was something along the lines of, "well, that's what happens when you throw at guy's heads". Really? Are you serious? Aren't you supposed to be the best baseball reporter on the planet and you want to throw around retarded shit like this? Then, on a follow up, Gammons stated that "maybe this will get him to tone it down a bit on the mound". You have got to be fucking kidding me. So it's Joba's fault that a Baltimore Oriole took it upon himself to act like an asshole?

I'm done with Peter Gammons and his biased and ignorant ways. I used to say that if I owned a team, I would hire him as the GM immediately. Not anymore. It appears that that aneurysm that he fought through two years ago turned him into a vaginal secretion. Did he have a problem when Jose Lima was being flamboyant with his Lima Time horse shit? How about Carlos Perez? And God forbid I have never heard him rip on Jonathan Papelbon for being the biggest douchebag on the planet. If you're going to be a biased shithead, at least be an equal opportunity biased shithead. Fuck you, Peter. Get over yourself. You're down with Steve Phillips these days when it comes to baseball reporting. Buster Olney, Tim Kurkjian, and Chris Singleton are far more enjoyable as analysts anyway.

Why don't you go put out another CD that no one will buy, ya dick.

8 Down, 8 To Go


Well, the first two rounds have been beyond easy and the Cavaliers are halfway home to an NBA championship. I don't know how anyone can not like this team. They aren't assholes. They play great team basketball. They feature the greatest player in the world. Wally Szczerbiak likes to throw down dunks. They are amazing!

Who do I want to play, you ask? Does it matter? Whoever ends up winning the other series will just the earn the right to lose in 4 or 5 games. The Magic present more problems due to their athleticism and Superman sightings. But the Cavs just destroyed a team that is more athletic and Howard has a tendency to show up small in big moments. They would have to shoot the lights out from downtown just to have a chance.

That being said, I want the fucking Celtics. I want Paul Pierce and his cluelessness when it comes to shaving. I want Ray Allen. I want Brian Scalabrine and Eddie House and Starbury. I want Rajon Rondo to try and take a cheap shot at one of our guys and see what happens. And most importantly, I want that faggot, KG, to try and talk smack to the Cavs bench when they are down 30 in games 1 and 2. I want to see his ugly mug be embarrassed. I want to send them to the golf courses early this year. I want LeBron and Company to bury any thought of a dynasty. I want the Cavaliers to be the ones to end this farce.

So for the next 2 or 3 games, I will be the biggest Celtics fan (that has yet to rape a school boy) in the country. Because we have some business left to finish with them on our way to the title. Here is my first prediction: should the Cavs play the Celtics in the Eastern Conference Finals, I am guaranteeing a Cleveland SWEEP. Book it.

Monday, May 11, 2009

More Tweaking Of College Football


Last Monday, I ran a piece on who should be the 12th team in the Big Ten if they ever decide to un-fuck the conference. Unfortunately, commissioner Jim Delaney is a complete idiot. He's like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas when you think of it. He tries not to, but he completely ruins a good thing...just like Liotta's God awful acting in that movie. Gary Coleman would have been a more believable Henry Hill.

Anyway, I've taken the time to slot every college football conference in a way to set up divisions in each league and will, in turn, give us a true conference champion in each. We've done away with independent teams and, hell, we even got rid of a conference altogether. Now, I'm not doing away with the BCS because it's fine the way that it is. My goal is to streamline it and make the process easier. First of all, the big 6 conferences maintain their status and their champion will still go and get the big bucks. The Notre Dame exception is gone as it should be. There will be a guaranteed "little guy" every year which will be determined by a 4 team tournament in December featuring the winners of the MAC, Sun Belt, C-USA, and the newly formed MWAC. The remaining 3 slots will be for the best at-large teams (the Big Ten will not be eligible for an at-large birth until they prove that they can compete every year).

The new Big Ten: Cincinnati is in
East - Penn St., Ohio State, Michigan, Michigan State, Cincinnati, Indiana
West - Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Northwestern, Purdue

The new Big East: Notre Dame is in, Temple and Navy are in for football only
East - Rutgers, UConn, USF, Navy, Temple
West - Notre Dame, Louisville, West Virginia, Syracuse, Pittsburgh

The new Pac-10: Utah and Boise State are in
North - Washington, Washington State, Oregon, Oregon State, Utah, Boise St.
South - Cal, Stanford, USC, UCLA, Arizona, Arizona State

The new Big 12: TCU and BYU are in, Baylor and Iowa State are out
North - Nebraska, Kansas, Kansas State, Colorado, Missouri, BYU
South - Texas, Texas Tech, Texas A&M, TCU, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State

The new SEC and ACC: Switch Florida State to the SEC and South Carolina to the ACC and everything else remains the same

The new Sun Belt: Louisiana Tech and Baylor are in
Break it up however they want to with: LT, Baylor, Troy, Lafayette, FAU, FIU, Arkansas State, MTSU, La-Monroe, North Texas

The new Conference USA: Iowa State and Army are in
East - East Carolina, Memphis, Army, Southern Miss, Marshall, UCF, UAB
West - Houston, Tulsa, Rice, UTEP, Tulane, SMU, and Iowa State

The new MAC: Temple out and Western Kentucky in for all sports; they would replace Temple in the East while offering a bid to Southern Illinois to join the conference full-time for all sports in the West eventually

The brand Mountain Western Athletic Conference: a combination of the remaining MWC and WAC teams not scooped up by the Pac-10 and Big 12. Idaho has been kicked out of division 1 due to being terrible.
North - Wyoming, Utah St, Colorado State, Air Force, Fresno State, San Jose St
South - New Mexico, New Mexico State, UNLV, Nevada, Hawaii, San Diego State

This makes sense to me. It gives each conference a true champion which would make the BCS bowl matchups legit with the teams that actually deserve to be there. Was it fun to take teams out of their conferences and placing them in lesser leagues? Of course it was. If you aren't going to make an effort to compete with your peers, get the fuck out. That is one aspect of the Euro soccer leagues that I respect. If you suck, you get moved down a division until you prove that you are ready to play. Let me know what you think as I firmly believe that this setup would put the "power" back into the term power conferences.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

One Pitch, One A-Bomb


Gentlemen, the baseball season has finally begun. It took one pitch last night but now we can officially say that it's on. Our favorite player and savior, A-Rod, is back to save our souls. And it didn't take him long to do what he does best...dropping bombs on opposing teams. Seriously though, would it have been all that bad had Baseball Jesus actually dropped an A-bomb on Baltimore? That city sucks outside of the Inner Harbor/that is where Mel Kiper lives. Have you seen The Wire? Baltimore makes Detroit look like Cancun.

Anyway, today is a glorious day eventhough I'm at work. A-Rod is back and ready to dominate. CC was fucking outstanding last night. Mark Teixeira is still rocking a sub-.200 batting average (Yay!). The Francisco Cervelli Era at catcher has begun (he was on Italy's WBC team...YEAH!). Outside of Ian Kennedy, who was pitching well this year, having an aneurysm in his throwing arm like David Cone once had, it's a great day to be a Yankee fan. And as much as I hate John Sterling, I do love this call:

AN A-BOOOOOOOMB...FROM A-ROOOOOOOOODDDDD!!! Suck on it, fuckers.

Friday, May 08, 2009

The Nation's Black Eye


Oh, what a glorious day. For the past year, it seemed like only guys on my team were cast off as cheaters. But now we have company in Hell. And misery loves company.

So Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games. Apparently, he was busted for taking some sort of testosterone builder that is also known as a substance that people use at the end of a steroids cycle. As I've said many times in the past, I don't give a shit about steroids. I really don't. The whole "sanctity of the game" bullshit ended in 1994 during the strike. I don't know why purists get so up in arms over this shit today. Baseball players are not heroes. They cheat on their wives, on the game, on their taxes, on everything. I've accepted this. You all should to. It's a different time now. These people are paid to entertain you. They can't do that day in and day out naturally. No one wants to see a bunch of singles and bunts. That sucks. We want fucking dingers and we want the biggest names in the game to do it.

But the best part about this...all of those Red Sox fans out there that pointed their fingers at us can officially shove it up their asses. Your legacy is now tainted. We all "know" that they had cheaters, too. It's just that now we have proof. Personally, I figured that it would be David Ortiz who would be exposed first as the fraud that he is (the guy has not hit a home run this year). But I'll take Manny eventhough I like the guy. Now nobody knows if those 2004 and 2007 titles were legit. I think that history should just do the right thing and strip the Red Sox of those two championships. Congratulations, '04 Cardinals and '07 Rockies on your World Series titles!!! NINETEEN-EIGHTEEN (clap clap clap-clap-clap)!!! But since that won't happen, let's just put a big old fucking asterisk next to those since they won those with scientific help.

Kudos to Bud Selig for trying to make the sport clean and in turn making 4 of the greatest players in baseball history (Bonds, Clemens, A-Rod, and Manny) being the faces of the steroids era. Yeah, that's what you wanted, you asshole. God, he sucks at his job. He's worse than Gary Bettman. There, I said it.

I'm going to miss Manny though. He made the Dodgers relevant and baseball is better when LA is good. Now they have to tread water until July 3rd. They probably will because their pitching staff is awesome and the NL West is a joke, but it's not the same. Hell, they had a Mannywood section set up in left field!

So what did we learn today? Manny is just like everyone else. Bill Simmons wants to kill himself now (great article though). Every player on the Red Sox over the past decade was juicing and Simmons pretty much admits that. Everyone on the mid-90's Indians juiced. Seriously, between Manny, Thome, Albert Belle, Paul Sorrento, Jason Grimsley, and Carlos Baerga, they must have had a huge buffet of 'roids in that clubhouse. None of you are spared. We all root for shady players and the quicker that you can admit that, the quicker we can move on from this and never have to talk about it again. It feels more and more like we should just be rooting for the jersey and not the man who wears it. Because eventually, these guys will let us down. Honestly, there is only one guy playing today that would shock me if he was dirty and that is Jeter.

And with Manny leaving for 50 games, at least we get the return of a legend today. Baseball Jesus himself, Mr. Alex Rodriguez will be back in the lineup for the Yankees tonight. Maybe he can actually help them get a lead for the first time this week. Welcome back, Alex! Please use your magical powers to get us over .500 again. Have a good weekend and if you are looking to enhance your weekend, stay away from the boner meds that Manny uses and stick with the whiskey, heroin, Ratt CD's, and penicillin that normally account for your entertainment.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Brett. Favre.


Those two words have quickly become two of the worst "words" in the English language, haven't they? Any time his name is brought up, you immediately roll your eyes, change the channel, or shit your pants, right? He says that he's done. He fools every writer into believing that. Hell, he even got John Madden to retire out of depression from his departure. Then he convinces the Jets to release him. And then sets up a secret meeting (likely in Hell) with Vikings coach, Von Kaiser. People, this is a done fucking deal. The gunslinger is coming back...again...for the second time. Brett Favre, I guarantee, will be the starting QB for the Vikings in week one.

And surprisingly, I could not be happier.

It's funny to me how Favre can't tell that he sucks. That he's actually worse than Sage Rosenfels now. Sure, "the kid out there" has a greater reward potential, but the risk is even higher. Football's favorite Jewish QB may not be great, but he'll be steady. And it will allow the Vikings to do what they do best: run the football with the best RB on the planet. With Favre running the show, he's going to take at least 6-7 runs away from All Day each game and likely do what he did last year with a 1:1 TD to interception ratio. Teams that are set up like this never win in January.

In essence, Favre will make them worse. I'm not really sure why Vikings fans think that a 40 year old QB makes them NFC favorites anyway. Have they not seen this guy recently? The guy's track record in domes has been suspect, he has proven to not be very good in cold weather anymore, he has been awful in the playoffs for a decade now, and the Vikings have no one for him to throw to except for Visanthe Shiancoe's pants python! I ask you, what is the better option if say you were a Vikings fan:

Favre throws 25-28 times per game, Peterson gets 18-20 carries
Rosenfels throws 18-20 times, All Day gets 25-28 carries

I would take option #2 in a heartbeat. And believe me, I think Rosenfels is quite crappy. The turnovers that each QB will likely be the same (a lot), but wouldn't you want your best player to have the ball in his hands more and not have to worry about stroking some old guy's ego? Makes sense to me. You can win with game managers. Look at the Giants. Their QB is terrible yet they won a Super Bowl in spite of him. In today's NFL, you win titles when your QB checks his attitude at the door and doesn't force things. Who finds the open man and makes plays when he has to. Not really the description of Mr. Wrangler Jeans, is it?

But then again, the Vikings could trade for the '85 Bears (in their primes) and they would still lose because their coach is a fucking idiot. That guy could fuck up a cup of coffee.

As I said though, I want this to happen in the worst way. Athletes rarely have this sort of fall from grace like this hillbilly will have. Packers fans still love him...not after he signs with Minnesota. Jets fans kind of like him...not after he uses them to get to the team he wanted to go to last year. Vikings fans will love him...not after he blows a playoff game for them with 4 interceptions. It is going to be sweet. The man, who two years ago everyone loved, will end up walking away from the game again in another year with almost zero fans and a completely destroyed legacy (I hope). This is different from Michael Jordan. He could kind of still play but was surrounded by turd sandwiches. He wanted to put the Wizards back on the map and make them a contender again. Favre is just a mercenary for hire whose best days ended in 1999.

He really is a sack of shit who only looks out for #1. He doesn't give a fuck about his teammates or the organizations that he latex fists. It's all Brett, all the time. Other than the fact that Vikings fans will have to train themselves to root for Favre and another season of Brett embarrassing himself, at least we can now officially eliminate the Vikings as a potential Super Bowl contender. Because they aren't going anywhere with #4 throwing deep balls into quadruple coverage. It's always nice to get that out of the way.

Welcome back, Brett. Here's one person that is welcoming you with open arms! And if I can give you one piece of advice it would be this...just keep chuckin' that football into triple coverage. Nothing beats that. But make sure that you cry at your third retirement press conference this coming February...it wouldn't be winter without it.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

How To Recognize A Bad High School Baseball Coach


Well, my high school baseball umpiring season came to an end last Saturday. Sure, I'll do some things this Summer to pick up some cash and showcase my bad-ass, don't-fuck-with-me attitude, but it will not be sanctioned by the OHSAA (which will make me even more of a renegade). One thing that I keep seeing in my trevails in high school baseball is that about 90% of the coaches are idiots. Yes, there is a small section of the informed, but it's very, very small. And while many of you don't realize this, eventually, you will volunteer to coach a baseball team at some level whether it's your kid's team or court-ordered. Allow me to introduce you to 8 types of coaches that you should avoid becoming at all costs. Wow, the second "research" project for this blog in three weeks! Onto the douchebags:

Captain Cliche - This guy is beyond fucking annoying. He continuously spouts out the same old generic and basic statements. For example: "two strikes, choke up on the bat and put it in play", "chest over knee", and "you aren't forced to go to third if the ball is put in play". This guy thinks that he knows everything about the game but chances are mighty fine that his limited knowledge of the game comes from John Kruk on the Baseball Tonight demonstration field. You suck, dickbag. I get it already, you want your guy to take a secondary lead off of second base. You don't need to say it after every pitch.

Sammy Signs - This fella runs through an elongated set of signs no matter what the situation. On Saturday, I had an ass coaching third, his team had the bases loaded with 2 outs and a 2-2 count on the hitter, and he went through a minute's worth of signals. WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE PUTTING ON IN THAT SITUATION! Hit the ball? I had to end this charade and tell the batter to get in the fucking box. I can tell you exactly what you are supposed to do, buddy, put the fucking ball in play. I hate coaches that feel the need to showcase their sign-giving abilities even in the most mundane situations. When no one is one base and your cleanup hitter is batting, give the signs a rest, queer.

Gary The Gambler - This genius is one of those guys that will try to steal bases when his team is down by 5 runs in the last inning. Guess what, skipper, the other team (the one that is actually going to win the game) doesn't give a shit about that baserunner. Does it really matter if you lose 6-2 instead of 6-1? Of course not, BUT YOU WILL NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT!!! Maybe if we get that guy to second base, they will make that run worth twelve runs!

Stevey Strike Zone - I hate this guy. Look, fucker, you do not have a better angle than I do. If it was a God damn strike, I would have called it a strike. I don't get paid by the hour so why would I purposely drag this fucking awful game on. Nothing pisses me off more than a coach asking, "Where was that pitch, blue" from the dugout. NOT IN THE STRIKE ZONE WAS WHERE IT WAS. I got into it a bit with a coach trying to pull this shit on Saturday who didn't understand (because he was an idiot) that doing this shows up the umpire which is the biggest no-no in the business. If Stevey is really worried about where that pitch was that was actually 9 inches outside, ask your catcher. He'll tell you. My only ejection in my umpiring career was because of a Stevey-like character. You never forget your first one. I still get wood just thinking about sending that fucker home early.

Johnny Small Ball - I end up doing a few JV games over the Spring and it always kills me when coaches are bunting runners over in the first inning. These games don't matter. They are only there to see which of your young kids work hard and keep improving. You don't get a trophy for going undefeated in JV baseball. Let the fucking kids hit. I played half of a season of JV baseball and I don't even remember any single one of those games. Get over it and let the kids play. It's how they get better and can contribute to the varsity team eventually.

Otis the Over-Teacher - This guy is just flat-out annoying. He calls defensive conferences at the mound to discuss defensive strategies in the 4th inning and he's complimenting his hitters on their weight shifting. He really is unnecessary and quite the douchebag. You don't HAVE to announce to everyone in attendance that your clean-up hitter is dropping his shoulder. Just take it easy...we get it already, you know what you're talking about. Chances are mighty good that you are only developing bad habits for your guys due to your own lack of knowledge anyway.

Assistant Asshole - The first rule of umpiring, may not be this, but it should be. An assistant coach is NEVER allowed to argue with you. As soon as they say a word, they should be dumped. I don't really get where they think that they can shoot off at the mouth anyway. Chances are that they are volunteers. Because you don't get paid, you are allowed to question an umpire's judgement? Fuck that. Your only role is to make sure your baserunners don't get picked off. It really is that easy. A chimp could it. Now shut your shitbox up and don't you dare even look at me the wrong way.

Mikey the Micro-Manager - This guy always kills me. Say the leadoff hitter gets a basehit to right. The next time up, Mikey will be shifting his defense around assuming that right field is the only place that that hitter can hit to. He's moving his RF closer to the line. He wants his CF to move two steps to the left. He's got a shift on in the infield. And of course, these moves never work. But it is always humorous to see these well-laid plans get stuck up Mikey's well-laid ass. Most high school kids have no idea where they are hitting the ball. They all want to be pull hitters and, most of the time, any hit to the opposite field was pure luck. You should know this, coach.

Here's my advice and this comes from an amateur umpire...relax. Don't be the red-ass that gets made fun of behind his back by 15-18 year old kids. Don't be that guy who argues calls in the midst of a 10-1 JV game. Don't be the guy that demeans your players publicly when they make mistakes. These are teenage kids...they are going to make errors. And unless coaching is part of your job and a source of income, remember that it is just a fucking game. Calm down, pricks. Coaches are fucking morons.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

MVP!!!


It was a given anyway, but now it's official: LeBron James is the NBA MVP. He earned it. Hell, he should have won it the previous three seasons. Apparently, the voters change what the most "valuable" player in the league means. Sometimes it's the best player on the best team and sometimes it's the scrawny white guy that has a lot of assists. I will never understand it but they finally got it right this time.

I guess that I am a little upset that it wasn't unanimous. I mean, 2 people voted for Kobe and 7 for D-Wade, and in the grand scheme of things, who really cares. So I won't bitch and moan about the 9 blind guys that vote for this award. Instead, I'll just let Danny Ferry finish up this blurb in a way that is pretty much the most gay thing that I've ever read:

"It takes a lot of sweat," said Cleveland general manager Danny Ferry. "I'm sure he did a lot of sweating right here. I've been fortunate enough to watch him sweat the past four years when no one else was around. I just want to acknowledge that and give it a round of applause."

Note to self: by no means do we ever want Danny Ferry to watch us sweat for four straight years. What a strange way to praise your player. But at least he killed the Cavs from 1991-2003. Way to go, Danny!

A few more things:
Joba's mom - Yeah, she apparently likes to sell meth to undercover cops. You know, we all have heard about Joba's dad being in a wheelchair but I don't think that I've ever heard anything about his mom. Her mugshot reminds of Throw Momma From The Train though. That Anne Murray...was a sexy little minx she was. With his DUI and drug-dealing mother, Joba is having one hell of a year. Maybe Mama Joba is just trying to take some pressure off of A-Rod??? What a team player!

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR REBA/BUKE!!! - I was told on Saturday night that if he wins this hottest bartender contest (you get 1,000 bucks and a trip for two to Vegas), that I'm going with him. So get your ass to the polls and help us win, dammit! This can only be good for you. 1.) This may mean a day or two in which I don't post due to traveling West. And 2.) this would lead to a post filled with Vegas stories and if you've ever been around our "candidate", anything goes when alcohol and gambling are involved. SO VOTE FOR REBA, DAMMIT, AND HELP SEND A QUEER BLOGGER TO LAS VEGAS! You can vote every hour. The first round polls close today at noon so let's stuff the ballot tighter than Mr. Ace's anus. You should vote every hour. He is the LeBron James/Joba's mom of Columbus area bartenders!!!

I've got something cooking for tomorrow so forgive me for the abbreviated post. Royalty deserves to be recognized though, dammit.

Monday, May 04, 2009

G$'s Plan To Expand The Big Ten


WARNING! I've put a lot of thought into this post. Be afraid...be very afraid.

Late last week, Joe Paterno was spouting of his usual old man stink and surly attitude to reporters regarding changes to the Big Ten. JoePa wants them to add a 12th team, break the conference into two divisions, and have a conference title game. This is a GREAT idea and should happen. It should have happened when they brought in Penn State in the first place. It won't cheapen the Ohio State/Michigan game. It will normally mean that the winner gets to play for the conference title, so don't use that as an excuse. You won't have a 3 month layoff between the final game and bowl games for your two best teams. It could legitimize the conference nationally if they can showcase their two best teams on a national level with everyone watching. Maybe...maybe not, but it's time to get with the times and make the Big Ten a respectable conference.

Now, Paterno suggested that they consider Pitt, Syracuse, and Rutgers for inclusion in the conference. Either one would be fine but not necessarily realistic. I've come up with 5 schools that I think fit the bill to be the 12th Big Ten team. A few things: no MAC school would qualify. Toledo may come close with their enrollment and facilities but they have point-shaving scandals all over the place so they are out. The 12th team would need to not necessarily have to be in the midwest, but close enough for fans to travel. You have to have a fanbase that travels obviously otherwise what would be the fucking point. You have to have a decent history in both basketball and football. Paterno is thinking of this solely for football, but you have to think of the other revenue-producing sport as well.

NO CHANCE:
Louisville, Pittsburgh, and Syracuse - These are basketball schools first and no fucking Big East school is leaving that gold mine for the Big Ten. It ain't happ'nin'. Forget about that.
Missouri - One of those schools that are pretty good in both sports. They have a natural rivalry with Illinois but, let's face it, the Big Twelve is better than the Big Ten.
Notre Dame - They makes millions from NBC in football which would end if they joined a conference and they play hoops in the Big East. They will NEVER join a conference because us Catholics love getting free money.
Kentucky - Their fans would burn the school to ground if they left the SEC for the Big Ten.

Honorable Mention: Minnesota State Screaming Eagles - Hayden Fox will fuck you up.

The five favorites:
5. Rutgers - They don't care about basketball that much so this would be solely a football decision. Greg Schiano is building something big in New Jersey. It gives you a pipeline into the New York market. They would have a natural rivalry with Penn State. I would like to see if they have a little more staying power as a decent football program before including them in the Big Ten, but they are on the radar. Personally, if an invitation to join was offered, I think that the Knights would jump on it immediately.

4. Iowa State - Iowa State is one of those schools that people know about, but they don't know anything about them. Why? Because they sort of suck. They had a good run in hoops a few years ago with Marcus Fizer and beat the RedHawks in the Independence Bowl in 2004. They hate Iowa. Maybe they just need a change of scenery? Ever think about that? Maybe they need to be in a conference that focuses more on physical play than pass-happy, gimmicky offenses like the Big Twelve. It could work and geographically, it fits. Not the best choice in the world and nothing to get excited about, but it could work.

3. Memphis - A little bit outside of the Midwest, but the Tigers should get a long look. It's a new market with potential to open up recruiting lines. They would kill to make the leap from C-USA to the Big Ten and their national TV channel. Granted, in football, they are blah. But they did produce 2008 fantasy dynamo, DeAngelo Williams. This would primarily be a hoops inclusion. How good would Memphis make the Big Ten in hoops? Even without Calipari, they are still going to bring in sick local talent and be a 2-5 seed every year for a long time. And plus every fanbase in the conference would want to make the road trip to Memphis for the ribs alone. I don't think this is as far-fetched as you may think. But then again, I love ribs.

2. West Fuckin' Virginia - The Mountaineers will always be a football-first school no matter what Huggy Bear does there. There is an inferiority complex amongst their fans as they believe that they are ready for the big time. The Big East is too small of a pond for the WV fish. It's time to move up. They are right in Big Ten country and would get the chance to prove that they are for real. You've got natural border rivalries with Penn State and Ohio State. Their fanbase is rabid and will travel. Even in hoops, just the name Huggins makes the conference all the more stronger. This could be a very good thing. And don't forget about the moonshine.

1. Cincinnati - This is such a perfect fit yet it will never happen. Jim Tressel will never let up on the monopoly that he has in Ohio (which is a total pussy-ass bitch move). The Bearcats are a growing monster of a program under Brian Kelly. Do you know why he keeps turning down better jobs? It's because he realizes what he has in Cincy. They have adequate facilities. A proud and upcoming hoops program. A natural and potentially deadly rivalry on the field and recruiting trails with the Buckeyes would be awesome. This is one program that would leave the Big East in a fucking heartbeat for the Big Ten. And do you know what the Big East would do to replace them in hoops? Enlist the services of Xavier and the world is right again. Nobody cares about Big East football but maybe they take a MAC team or Marshall to replace them.

I guess that my advice to JoePa (other than to not shit his pants like Naptown Wolverine) and other Big Ten fans who want a 12th team to happen is to get realistic. The big name schools are not coming. Get over it. You need to focus on the up and coming programs that can make the Big Ten better now and in the future. What do you all think? And feel free to congratulate me on the first thought-provoking blog post in a very long time. Eat shit.

Where More Bad Predictions Happen!


I know that the Heat were eliminated yesterday in a God awful 7 game series with the Hawks, but I just couldn't help myself. The most pathetic sighting (other than Schilling painting his sock) in my life as a sports fan was watching Dwyane Wade need a wheelchair for a shoulder injury. This picture ALWAYS puts a smile on my beautiful face. This event would be comparable to me if I had a bad blog post one day and needed to be life-flighted due to blogger's block. What a pussy. Go home and work on your Fave Five, you prick.

Anyway, I went 6-2 on my round one picks (damn you, Spurs and Blazers). I don't know why I picked Portland considering that I really like this Houston team. And the Spurs dynasty is on life support now that Tim Duncan is old and they have to rely on losers like Matt Bonner and Roger Mason. They need to overhaul that bench in a big way AKA cutting ties with Bruce "Noah" Bowen and Michael Finley. But round one was certainly special for the sheer awesomeness of the Celtics/Bulls series. It made me happy to be an NBA fan and proved pro basketball haters wrong that the product is boring and predictable. No, it isn't. It can still be gripping, edge of your seat drama. While we all wanted the Bulls to win that, let's be honest, Vinny Del Negro is too bad of a coach to win a game 7. And you will get your wish...the Celtics are going to get destroyed soon enough. Let's hope for more of that in round 2. And hey, at least the Cavaliers FINALLY get to play again tomorrow night!

East:
Cavaliers over the Hawks in 5 - I don't see much in the way here. The key will be to overcome the rust of sitting for 9 days and to dominate in game 1. The Hawks may win a game in their gym, but they won't win in Cleveland. With Horford and Williams being banged up...say goodnight.
Celtics over the Magic in 7 - I see this one playing out like the Bulls series with a lot of close games but with game 7 being in Boston, I don't see the young Ron Jeremy-coached Orlando team winning this one. Even with Boston's old legs, the Magic are beat up. Can someone please teach Paul Pierce to either shave or grow a beard. Brian Scalabrine is the biggest faggot in the world.

West:
Lakers over Rockets in 5 - I'm sort of excited to see the Kobe/Artest matchup. I get the feeling that we may see a punch thrown in this series. The Rockets are pretty tough and won't roll over, but I don't see the Lakers getting upset here. These two teams do match up pretty well though but the Lakers are too deep.
Mavericks over Nuggets in 6 - I know that Dallas lost yesterday and I still don't care. I like the way that they are playing and think they take game 2 in Denver. If you knock out the Spurs by winning two games in San Antonio, you are fairly legit. Plus, the NBA still owes Dallas something for that fist-fucking they endured at the hands of D-Wade and incompetent officiating in the Finals a few years ago.

Cleveland/Boston and Dallas/LA Lakers??? I could be down with that. At least LeBron is finally going to get to play again. Go Cavs.