Thursday, April 30, 2009

Best Idea Ever


Gentlemen, I beg you to take my advice on this one. At some point this Summer, you are going to have to call your cable provider and subscribe to HBO. Not because of the new season of Entourage and it's increasingly awful cast, or the new David Simon series about New Orleans, though. Oh no. The Cincinnati Bengals are coming to a television near you.

I love Hard Knocks. I fucking love it. You never get to see behind the scenes shots of NFL teams dealing with the shittiness of training camp and clowning on each other. But HBO spends millions of dollars to give you five hours of footage to help you understand life as an NFL player from the team superstar down to the lowliest scout team hack. It is fantastic. And it's narrated by Leiv Schreiber!

I was pumped for last year's version since they were following around the Cowboys. Eventhough I despise that team, they had some fairly large egos on that squadron that eventually aided into their implosion. But their footage on HBO was dull. It sucked actually. Other than hearing the O-Lineman refer to Bobby Carpenter as Barbie Carpenter and Wade Phillips running on a track, it was terrible. Where were the Jessica Simpson jokes, the T.O. suicide mockings, and the Pacman strip club pranks? Nowhere. Instead we got Marion Barber playing the fucking piano and Jerry Jones wearing a construction helmet. My day was ruined.

But the Bengals give us hope. Word is that this is a done deal and that HBO will be setting up their thousands of cameras in Georgetown, KY and giving us all the best of Marvin Lewis, Mike Brown, John Cooper, Carson Palmer, Ocho Cinco, Cedric Benson, Andre Smith, Rey Maualuga, Chris Henry, Leon Hall, Tank Johnson (back to back years for Tank!) and whatever other deviants that they sign before camp opens. That is a real who's who of malcontents! This team makes last year's Cowboys squad look like a glee club.

This is going to be outstanding. Well done, HBO, now don't you dare go censoring this either for us. I want the raw footage, baby. I want to see just how unorganized and chaotic this franchise is. I want to see all the DUI's, statutory rapes, and hot dog eating contests that the Bengals have to offer.

Hey, Tigers Fans, A-Rod Has Something For Ya!


Commenter Dustin said this on Tuesday morning:
And how sweet was that to have verlander bust out against the Yankees!!! The sweep is on!!!

Well done, idiot. I really can't say what was sweeter about that 3 game set at CoPa:
-Phil Hughes being awesome
-Joba being awesome
-Swisher being a beast (I'm sold...he's got me hooked)
-Not having to see our bullpen
-Showing our dominance again
-Mark Teixeira still being awful
-Robinson Cano taking another step toward winning the battle title this year (it's going to happen)
-Stepping on the throat of an inferior team
-The Tigers making everyone evacuate the stadium due to their team's shittiness

With the exception of WhiteTrashlander pitching out of his mind on Tuesday due to his reliance on hillbilly HGH (Mountain Dew Baja Blast), it was a perfect series for the Yankees. Thanks for being our slump buster, Detroit. We really needed that.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

It's Never Too Early



There are already mock drafts out for next year which shows that even the NFL Draft is a year round event.

A few things of note:
-Sam Bradford should not be the #1 pick.
-The Lions are already projected to be the worst team in the league again.
-Colt McCoy is apparently not a first round talent.
-This guy thinks that the Chargers will beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl which is laughable for two reasons: 1) That would mean that Donovan McNabb will win 2-3 or playoff games and 2.) Norv Turner still coaches the Chargers.

But the best possible news of all is this:

13. Washington Redskins
Tim Tebow, QB, Florida

All it takes is for one team to fall in love with the chosen one. No owner develops crushes like Daniel Snyder, who will take Tebow 10 picks too early. Tebow doesn't necessarily fit the mold of a Jim Zorn quarterback, but there could be a new coach in Washington by draft day if the Redskins end up slotted at No. 13.

Eventhough the Redskins will be picking at #32 next year, I think that my head, penis, and bowels just simultaneously exploded. And it felt great. Wow. That would be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I could post the pic of the chick with the knockers on a daily basis. It would give me a great excuse to break out my Tebow thong each and every Sunday.
Make it happen, Dan Snyder. I will patiently wait for a full calendar year to have my soul saved by the chosen one.

My Very Own "Mulva"


It's been awhile since I've ranted about how much I hate my office building and all of the people that work there other than myself. That ends today. Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry can't remember that broad's name eventhough it rhymes with a part of the female anatomy (even if it doesn't)? Actually, you know what, there is a much better example of this situation in an old episode of Friends.

Long after Friends jumped the shark (when they turned Ross into a faggot and Rachel an ugly cunt), there was an episode where Chris Parnell kept referring to Chandler as "Toby" in the office. It was actually quite humorous. I'm living this scenario right now.

OK, so over the past few months, a disturbing trend has taken shape on the 5th floor of my office building. This guy, we will call him Donkey Fucker (or DF for short) since I don't know his name, is sort of stalking me. It seems like at least once a week I go take a piss and he follows me in a few seconds later. The bathroom has 2 urinals and 3 stalls. Unwritten guy code states that in this situation, I take a urinal and the second pisser takes a stall. It's basic fundamentals. DF does not abide by these laws though. He saddles up right next to me which always throws me off a bit. I'm not one of those pussies that can't piss when someone is next to me, but I do lose focus for a few seconds. And the best part about DF, he ALWAYS rips a 4-6 second fart while taking a leak...a foot away from me. He says nothing. I say nothing. You think, maybe he's doing this for a cheap laugh, but he isn't. He's a fucking ignorant slob. It's disgusting but I can live with that...I guess.

I get off at 6. Right at 6, I am on the move to the elevators. My employer has me until exactly 6 o'clock, and as soon as that hits, it's my time. And I'll be damned if I spend more of my time than I have to in that building. So yesterday, unfortunately, Donkey Fucker is waiting for the elevator. It's just going to be me and him on the way down. Ugh. Now, we've made very small conversation on the "lift" in the past. He will ask me what department I am in and I will tell him in as few of words as humanly possible. We've done this song and dance at least 3 times over the past few months. Why 3 times? Because DF can never my reply so he asks the same questions over and fucking over again. Apparently, he wanted to dance again yesterday and, once again, completely forgot our past conversations.

DF: I bet your glad you don't have to look at anymore bondo today.
G$: (I have absolutely no idea what he is talking about. None. At all. At first I think he's talking on a bluetooth or something else that a douchebag would have. But, no, he is talking to me.) Uh, yeah.
DF: Yeah, I used to work in property damage, too.
G$: Excuse me. (I faked a phone call until we were down in the lobby)

Normally, I correct this asshole that I don't work in property damage and have no idea what he's talking about. But after all of the bathroom farts and poor pisser's etiquette, he has broken me down. I've decided to give up. He has crushed my spirit. I am the Toby to his Chris Parnell yet it isn't funny at all. If he wants to think that I'm some sort of expert in the field of "bondo", then so be it. I have no idea at all what that is, but maybe it will look good on a resume down the road. "G$, I've noticed that you are skilled in the art of bondo and you list Donkey Fucker as a reference. Impressive!"

Anybody got a suggestion on how I should deal with this guy? I'm thinking about going with the cold shoulder approach but I'm open to homicide, too. By the way, many of you may remember my old stories about how much I despise the whore that works next to me so here's an update. For as much time as she spends on Craigslist, it broke my heart that she was not a victim of the Craigslist Killer. And about a week ago, she actually announced out loud that she had to poop. It was the worst thing that I've ever heard. I really need to win the lottery to get out of that place.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

95,000 Idiots


Ohio State held their annual spring game on Saturday afternoon. A record 95,000+ people showed up. I guess it is some sort of a record. Maybe it was the lure of the beach theme. Maybe it was the 85 degree weather. Maybe it was Jim Tressel wearing a stupid Hawaiian shirt and TUCKING IT IN. Whatever it was, I've got 4 words for anyone (not inclusive to OSU fans, this goes for all people around the country) who attend spring games:

Get. A. Fucking. Life.

It's just a practice and it means jack shit. The players and schemes that you saw on the field on Saturday will be totally different from the team that you see on Labor Day weekend. I don't really understand how people can follow recruiting, but I get it. This is the next crop of players that are coming in. What I truly can't come to grips with is why any self-respecting human being would pay money to watch an intrasquad scrimmage. It is a fucking scrimmage and almost 100,000 people found this event to be at the top of their to-do list this weekend.

I played football in high school. I was the greatest player in the world to never play in college. I back up this claim with my Loan Zone Player of the Week award!!! No one played dirtier than this fucking guy. I was a real dynamo. But, the layperson has no idea how much practicing fucking sucks. It is not fun. You sweat your balls off. You get yelled at. The only reward you get is a bottle of 110 degree water. It is not something that should be celebrated. I didn't even like playing in scrimmages. Why? Because they were beyond pointless. The last thing that I would want is a bunch of assholes in the stands having a good time.

There are many things that I would rather do over going to a glorified practice in which you saw 15% of the playbook being run: watch 10 minutes of According To Jim, trim a hobo's pubic hair with my teeth, live in New Jersey, become a Vegan, be buried alive by The Undertaker, shit my pants at my wedding, carry on a two minute conversation with Li'l Strut, and/or walk around the bushes behind a truck stop without any pants on. If you can't follow, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to avoid these abortions.

Just pathetic. We get it. You like your team. But that is no excuse for being a complete fucktard and acting like you accomplished something by setting some fucked up record. Fucking idiots. I hate you all.

Peter King's Turds!


Changing planes at DFW on Sunday, I used the men's room near one of the American gates. I walked into one of the toilet stalls with the automatic flushers. WHOOOOOSH. I closed the door to the stall and sat down. Three more times I heard the same WHOOOOOSH as I sat there and minded my own business. Of course, no flush when I get up and leave the stall. Gotta love technology.

THIS was in Peter King's MMQB column this week. A story about him taking a shit. Right above a blurb about the Dr. Z charity benefit. Poop stories. Seriously. It was the day after the NFL Draft yet this snippet about the man's fecal plumb made the cut.

I enjoy King's work eventhough it's fairly obvious that he was the kid in school that raised his hand every time the teacher asked a question. He's a dork. I accept that. But he does know his football and pieces together the best weekly NFL column in the business. But I don't need to read about how confused the man gets when he's dropping the kid's off at the pool. That's just awful. How did SI let that slide? It feels like something that a hack blogger would include in a post. King probably makes well over a million dollars a year and he's adding stories about his massive shits and being confused about plumbing technology? Fuck that. Leave the obscene and gross observations to the "professionals", bitch. Take this for example: How long does it take you to go boom-boom anyway? I mean, Brett Favre has got to have your colon packed so tight; it has to take at least an hour, right?

There. It's not the best gay sex/feces joke, but I don't get paid to do this. And speaking of shitty journalism, I can't WAIT to listen to Mike Golic get his arms and legs waxed tomorrow morning. Talk about groud-breaking radio! What a couple of clowns those two are! Don't you see? They are funny because they are different! One is a jock and the other is a faggot! And the jock is getting his leg hair ripped out while the other jacks off to Mark Sanchez! Awesome!

Jesus Christ, if I could ever stop swearing and calling people "faggots", I could eventually morph into the sporting world's best writer. But that ain't happ'nin', motherfuckers. Just embarrassing.

Monday, April 27, 2009

An Offensive Brute...Run Or Pass Or Boot


...and defensively they're rough, tough! Cincinnati Bengals, that's the team we're gonna cheer to victory...TOUCHDOWN BENGALS! Put some points up on the board and win the game for Cincinnati!!!

Those are the lyrics of their fight song. I don't know if I'm ready to live in a world in which the Bengals have an A+ draft. Apparently, Bea Arthur didn't want to either. Before we get into the draft, how about a moment of silence for the woman/man who played Peter Griffin in "Rolling Courage: The Joe Swanson Story"...

Alright, I'm writing this on Sunday night while still trying to syphen all of the leftover Crown Royal from my liver. It's easier said than done because I went through at least a vat of that stuff last night. Had a good time up in Detroit at my buddy's wedding. We were even blessed by a random appearance of Detroit Tigers mascot, Paws! If you ever wondered if a man dressed up like a Tiger dancing at a wedding with a bunch of drunk people is funny, it's not. It is hilarious. Well played. Back to the Draft, I was able to sneak away a few times to check in on things and was greatly impressed. Let's discuss winners and losers, shall we?

WINNER: Bengals
I can not believe that a team that employs John Cooper as a scout can have a draft as awesome as the Bengals had. They got 5-6 starters at least. I do not fear Andre Smith. The guy is a beast. Rey Maualuga fell into their laps and they got themselves a leader at pick 36. Michael Johnson was a steal. They got a good TE and center as well. It was a fantastic performance for a shitty organization. Much better than their rival up I-71...

LOSER: Browns
Since Curry was gone, I get trading back. It made sense. Trading back two more times, I can even get on board with that. But you never, NEVER, take a center in the first round. Just awful. And you follow that up by drafting two average WR's in the second round? They do realize that they could have drafted Jeremy Maclin THREE times in the first round and Crabtree at 5, right? Just horrible. There has to be a decent faction of Browns fans that want Mangini fired already. The guy is a trainwreck.

WINNER: Redskins
Good things come to those who wait. They didn't mortgage the future to go up and get Sanchez (which was a very smart move made by dumb people). Their reward was getting the best pass rusher in the draft in Brian Orakpo. I never thought that he would fall to them but thanks to some stupid teams picking ahead of us, we got a guy who will be a force coming off the end. Even Mr. Ace sent me a text on Saturday telling me that he was pissed that the Skins got him. SUPER BOWL!!!

LOSER: Chiefs
It's time to stop sucking Scott Pioli's dick. He's an idiot. Tyson Jackson isn't even a top ten pick, let alone 3. And in the 7th round, he took former Miami RedHawks TE, Jake O'Connell. That is inexcusable. Dude had like 4 catches all of last season.

WINNER: Packers
That defense is going to be sick now. They got a force of a DT in Raji and a good pass-rushing OLB in Matthews. Their offense is fine, it was the defense that needed to be upgraded. Both of these moves will help AJ Hawk not be bust. By the way, are the Packers starting 4 LB's all white? I think that they might be. Is that even legal anymore? Oh wait, Nick Barnett is there. Damn, so close.

LOSER: Raiders
Good fucking Lord. I'm shocked that they didn't draft Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps or Lance Armstrong. Apparently all that you need to play for the Raiders is speed. They picked the 4th best WR at 7 and a safety from The Ohio's in the second round who ESPN didn't even have footage on. There hasn't been a pick that bad since Maurice Clarett. When does the NFL step in and tell Al Davis that he has to stop making personnel decisions? It needs to happen now. Eventhough their fans are all convicted rapists and felons, they deserve better than Al Davis.

WINNER: Jaguars
Their O-line sucked last year and was the reason that they blew. So they fixed it by getting themselves a couple of tackles in Monroe and Britton. Mojo Drew should be leaping up your fantasy football rankings.

LOSER: Broncos
Knowshon Moreno is talented, yes, but this made no sense. The Broncos have no defense and have already signed Buckhalter and Arrington. WHY DID THEY DRAFT A RB WHEN BRIAN ORAKPO WAS STILL ON THE BOARD!!! Josh McDaniels should join Eric Mangini on the unemployment line. Just awful. Isn't it obvious that these guys are just riding Belichick's coattails and that they, in fact, know nothing about football.

WINNER: Eagles
You got a potentially great WR in Maclin. A good change of pace RB in Shady McCoy. And you got a TE later. Good draft for the Eagles when you throw in the trade for Jason Peters as well. If they would ever realize that they have no QB, they may be a legit threat to win the Super Bowl again.

LOSER: Dolphins
Pat White AND Brian Hartline in the first 4 rounds??? FAIL. EPIC FAIL. TITANIC FAIL. Hartline couldn't catch AIDS from an Ethiopian prostitute. Bill Parcells sucks. It is my goal in life to make everyone realize that this guy is not some genius.

BONUS LOSER: Brian Hoyer - Why did they keep showing this guy? He sucks. He was awful at Michigan State. There is a reason why Sparty ran Javon Ringer 50 times per game and it's because their QB was worse than Jon Navarre...and no one was worse than Jon Navarre.

Agree? Disagree? Like I said, I couldn't follow the coverage as much as I would have liked, but this is what jumped off the page at me. I also liked what the Falcons and Giants did and hated the draft of the Colts and Lions (listening to local sports talk up there yesterday was hilarious). The Cincinnati Bengals as a credible NFL franchise...time to get the shotgun back out.

That Was Really Easy


4 down, 12 more to go.

Boy, I hope that whoever the Cavaliers' next opponent might be, that they give the same effort (none) that the Pistons did in this series sweep. At no point in that 4 game beatdown was I even remotely concerned. It was just pathetic. The once proud Pistons franchise just rolled over and died. They put up absolutely no fight. They showed no heart. They showed no balls. They backed down like pussies. You used to know that when you played Detroit in the playoffs, you were in for a war. Huh, times have changed. The Pistons management even sent an email to all Cavs season ticket owners inviting them to come to The Palace just so they can have a full house! What an embarrassment. BY FAR, the biggest train wreck in the NBA this season.

I do have a very smug smile on my face today knowing that the Cavaliers just obliterated the mini dynasty that the Pistons once had in the East. It truly does feel great. That loser Rasheed can run off to free agency with his tail between his legs and the Pistons can go out and overpay for a sack of shit like Carlos Boozer now. Great. That Joe Dumars sure knows what he's doing. But at least they have cap flexibility (now eventhough they won't admit that their GM has no clue on how to work with that).

Get your fucking brooms out...go home, queer-mos. How about spending the offseason paving the highways in your awful state??? There are potholes the size of a double-wide on I-75.

Friday, April 24, 2009

A Tradition Unlike Any Other


Oh hell yeah! It's that time of year again when the greatest rivalry in the history of the world takes center stage. YOUR New York Yankees head to that shithole a couple hours north for a weekend series against the most hated team and lamest fans ever. And to get you pumped, here's a pic of the late, great Thurman Munson absolutely killing Carlton "The Buttfucker" Fisk from back before I was born. Intense. I look forward to Cody Ransom doing the same thing to the worst captain in the world, Jason Varitek. But that would mean that Ransom would have to get on base first so that scenario is likely out.

Now I know that all of you are on the edge of your seat for this series between two teams off to 9-6 starts. And who doesn't love the setting of Fenway Park? I mean seriously, I absolutely love having a little bit of baseball mixed in with the rat infestation of that cesspool. If you've never been there, the ratio of rats to douchebag fans wearing pink hats is 1:1. It's amazing. I'm pretty sure that Splinter taught the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles all of their moves behind the Green Monster.

The drama is already building with Big Steroid (that would be Ortiz) threatening Joba Chamberlain. You see, Joba has a tendency to do the Lord's work by throwing at Kevin Youkilis's head...a lot. And I love it. Joba goes tomorrow night against Lester in what should be a good game. Saturday on Fox, you get a couple of old Marlins with Beckett and Burnett (another potential classic). Sunday night on ESPN, you've got a rejuvenated and HGH-loaded Andy Pettitte against Clay FuckedLouHoltz. As you can tell, these should be great games.

So take a break from watching your shitty teams this weekend and take a gander at baseball's version of Heaven vs. Hell. You know you want to! Maybe, just maybe, you can enjoy one of those epic Jonathan Papelbon blown saves that we all love. Seriously, what grown man goes by Jonathan? Pussy. What a fag.

Damn.


Shit. It may have taken the Blue Jackets ten periods, but they finally showed some heart and moxie against the much, MUCH better Red Wings. Man, that was a great game. The crowd was fantastic. But in the end, the defending champs sent my boys home in 4 games. Should that penalty for too many men on the ice been called? I don't know enough about hockey to say but I do know that in a game that great, the refs probably should have swallowed the whistle.

It was a good season though. Really fun to watch actually and turned me into a hockey fan. I'm on board now. Oh well, the CBJ now wait until next year to perhaps win a playoff game. The future is bright...or so I'm told. We'll be back. Time to put my flag in storage for the summer.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

2009 Money Shot Mock Draft


***DISCLAIMER! I am airing this a day earlier than I thought. It's written like it was supposed to be unleashed on Friday morning so deal with the errors. I've got something cooking for tomorrow. Enjoy.

Gentlemen, my favorite day of the year is tomorrow...NFL Draft Day! I can't really explain why because it's just some old fuck reading off names and watching Chris Berman spout off new and outdated nicknames, but I love it. Every single second of it. To prove this point, I bet that I watch 75% of the day 2 coverage. How pathetic is that? Unfortunately, my faggy college roommate is getting married tomorrow so I will be stuck in Detroit not knowing who is going where. Fortunately, the reception is at the hotel so I will be running up to the room every hour. Who the fuck gets married on Draft Day!!! In some cultures, they would kill you for doing that. For God's sake, he's even a Lions fan...this is a BIG day for them. Ugh, it makes me so mad to miss out on this great event. Anyway, like every other asshole on the internet, I decided to crank out a mock draft of my own. Like I said earlier in the week, it's actually quite difficult. Here it is and hopefully I'm somewhat accurate.

1. Lions - Matthew Stafford, QB - They shouldn't, but they probably will. He's not even on the team yet and he's already the best QB in franchise history (sorry, Scott Mitchell).

2. Rams - Jason Smith, T - Replacing Orlando Pace is a smart, smart move. Hopefully, Smith can play more than 3 games per season.

3. Chiefs - Aaron Curry, LB - Considering that the Chiefs have Vrabel and Zach Thomas now, you would think that Curry wouldn't be old enough to play in KC.

4. Seahawks - Mark Sanchez, QB - Hasselbeck sucks and he needs a backiotomy. This makes perfect sense, Sanchez can learn for a year before playing.

5. Browns - Michael Crabtree, WR - They say that they don't want him. That would be retarded. They have zero weapons right now other than Donte Stallworth's Bentley.

6. Bengals - Eugene Monroe, T - What's this? Two years in a row of smart first round picks for the Bengals? They must have stopped listening to John Cooper.

7. Raiders - Andre Smith, T - This just makes too much sense. He's the kind of crazy that Al Davis loves (and this would make Darren McFadden a fantasy stud).

8. Jaguars - BJ Raji, DT - They don't really need a WR (this early) now that they signed Holt...better get the best guy in the draft that prevents teams from gashing them on the ground.

9. Packers - Robert Ayers, DE - The Pack need another pass rusher to compliment Kampman. Ayers (any relation to Randy?) is moving up the charts.

10. 49ers - Brian Orakpo, DE - This makes a lot of sense. Orakpo is a stud that can get to the QB.

11. Bills - Michael Oher, T - May be a little early for this guy but you have to replace Jason Peters with someone. The Bills aren't really known as a smart organization anyway.

12. Broncos - Aaron Maybin, DE/OLB - The Broncos need all the help that they can get on defense. Man, that team sucks from top to bottom.

13. Redskins - Tyson Jackson, DE - Fuck you, Jason Taylor. FAH-Q. The Skins also need someone that can get to the QB in under 12 seconds which they haven't had since Charles fucking Mann.

14. Saints - Chris Wells, RB - Reggie Bush is what he is...a glorified 3rd down running back. Wells fits perfectly as a between the tackles back that they need.

15. Texans - Brian Cushing, OLB - Best defensive player available...I have no idea if the Texans need OLB help or not. At least I'm honest.

16. Chargers - Everette Brown, DE - I don't trust Shawne Merriman's knees, do you? Time to plan for the worst if he gets busted for 'roids again. They don't need to take a RB yet.

17. Jets - Jeremy Maclin, WR - The Jets are a mess with no QB or playmaker. Now they do. By the way, I don't really think that he will slide this far.

18. Broncos - Rey Maualuga, LB - Maybin and Rey would be a nice start at rebuilding that defense.

19. Bucs - Josh Freeman, QB - So what that they signed Byron Leftwich. It's for two years. Their other QB's are Griese and one of the McCown shitbags. They like this guy anyway.

20. Lions - Peria Jerry, DT - Dumped Cory Redding and Shaun Rogers in consecutive years...seems like they should get a rock in the middle of that d-line.

21. Eagles - Knowshon Moreno, RB - Brian Westbrook turns 30 this year (uh oh). Buckhalter is gone. This makes waaaaaaaay too much sense.

22. Vikings - Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR - Pray that he doesn't turn out to be another Troy Williamson. Pray even harder that Visanthe Shiancoe keeps his python cock off of TV.

23. Patriots - Darius Butler, CB - I read somewhere that this is a lock to happen. OK, whatever. I'll bite.

24. Falcons - Brandon Pettigrew, TE - Who was the Falcons tight end last year anyway? Crumpler died four years ago...did they even have one?

25. Dolphins - Malcolm Jenkins, CB - Once considered a potential top 5 pick, poor workouts allows him to slide to FUPA Parcells. He'll enjoy intercepting Chad Henne passes in practice...just like the old days.

26. Ravens - James Laurinaitis, LB - Need to replace Bart Scott in the middle of that 3-4...he could learn a lot from Ray Lewis. Like actually making tackles in the backfield. By the way, Drew will owe me a 12 pack once James does not go in the top 20...idiot.

27. Colts - Eben Britton, T - I know nothing about this guy but you can never have too many guys to block for Peyton. What kind of a first name is Eben? That's dumber than G$.

28. Bills - Clay Matthews, LB - I think he's a fluke but this is the Bills so they probably love him.

29. Browns - Larry English, DE/LB - I assume that the Giants are trading this pick for Stone Hands Edwards so I think the Browns get someone to FINALLY replace Willie McGinest. English can play OLB in the 3/4. He can get to the passer. Anyone that dominates the MAC has to be good!

30. Titans - Hakeem Nicks, WR - Are they ever going to admit that they have no WR's? I really like this kid. He was the cat's pajamas in the Meineke Car Care Bowl this winter.

31. Cardinals - LeSean McCoy, RB - I picked McCoy because black guys named Donald are probably little bitches. Either way, anyone is better than Edge and Hightower.

32. Steelers - Max Unger, C - Maybe this year, Big Ben won't need to run for his life every other drop back...

There you go...a mock draft with less doucheyness than McShay and much less awesome hair than Kiper. While I'm sweating whiskey through my suit on Saturday night, sit back, enjoy this epic event, and laugh just thinking of old G$ making excuses to She$ for why he needs to go to the room every 30 minutes. Bastards. Freshen ya drink, guv'nah? Why yes, I would love 4 seven-seven's.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Yo! Corso To Go? No.


Yesterday, I was scouring the 'sphere and came across a site that I had never been to or even heard of before: SECLiveNews.com. I don't care about SEC football. It's a great conference, I get that. But get over yourselves. The football fans down there are generally regarded as inbred malcontents convinced that America has been ruined in three months since the "colored guy" took control. I have nothing in common with Southern folk other than my hatred of Ohio State and love of fantasy NASCAR (because I'm good at both). Anyway, this site reported yesterday (and subsequently refuted the story a few hours later) that ESPN was going to be shaking up College GameDay.

Due to outside pressure from sponsor, Home Depot, this site stated that changes were going to take place on the set of, by far, ESPN's most popular studio show. Lee Corso and Chris Fowler would be gone. Herbie and Desmond the Token Black Guy (whose presence is quite pointless) would stay. Replacing Cors-YO! and Fowler would be Dr. Lou Holtz and Karl Ravech. Ugh, I'm relieved that this turned out to be a rumor because I would rather watch ESPN2's Saturday morning fishing shows than to view this rumored horseshit.

I like Ravvy, but he's not a football guy. He's good at ignoring Steve Phillips, but Lou may be too much for him. Fowler is flawless at mediating between his semi-crazy co-anchors. Holtz though? Really? Home Depot apparently wanted the Beverly Hillbillies grandma promoted to the big show so that he can spit on a live audience. Dr. Lou sucks. Period. He's funny because he's retarded but he doesn't know shit. For God's sake, he picked Florida and NOTRE DAME to play for the BCS title this upcoming season. He believes that the Irish can go undefeated! You want evidence? Here you go.

"I don't think there's any team on Notre Dame's schedule that they're not capable of beating," Holtz said, projecting himself into 2009.

If Charlie Weis goes undefeated this season, I will eat nothing but various types of animal shit for an entire year. How can a man this inept and biased replace Corso? Corso has his faults (his crush on USC) but at least he's entertaining and somewhat coherent. For a pencil company executive, he knows what he's talking about most of the time. And while some people hate his mascot head schtick, it has never gotten old to me.

Who knows though, maybe this was really never talked about and SECLiveNews.com was just trying to get some hits. But then again, this wouldn't be the first time that people have fucked up a good thing. Especially in Bristol. Do we really need a 65th team in the NCAA Tournament? Does a team with championship aspirations really need Gary Sheffield? How does HERM! Edwards keep getting work? Some things in life just don't make any sense. This happens to be another one of those unnecessary ideas. Maybe a few of Dr. Lou's magic tricks can help me figure it out though...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

But I Don't Want To Get Dirty


I've started working on my mock draft and will unleash it later this week. First of all, those things are fucking tough to do. I don't know what the Packers need or what kind of defense the Bills run. It is much much harder than you think. I don't get paid to write about the NFL (or paid at all) so why should I give a shit about the Dolphins needs? But, I think I have everyone slotted for the first round and now I just a need a day or two to finalize it.

One thing bothers me though as we lead up to this weekend's draft. And that is that the always brilliant Dan Snyder seems to want to rebuild again. Everyone is reporting that he is in love with Mark Sanchez. God dammit, please don't do this. I would bet that 99% of Redskins fans are awesome and also would hate to see our team pull off some stupid lop-sided deal to trade up for this potential one year wonder.

Let's be honest, this kid is going in the top ten. He may go either 4 or 5. Sanchez isn't falling to 13. If he would, then fine, go get him. But since he will not last that long, how about you not dump 2 first rounders, a third, and probably a 5th for one guy who couldn't even win in Corvallis, Oregon. If he can't win there with insane amounts of talent, what is he going to do in Dallas or New York or Philly??? This concerns me...a lot. We only have one pick in the top 75 this year anyway so trading up here would not only fuck over this year's draft, but next year's as well.

Is Jason Campbell a franchise QB? We still don't know for certain 4 years after he was drafted in the first round (in which Snyder traded up to get him). If we would ever stop changing coaches and offenses every season, maybe we would know this by now. But Snyder and Vinny Cerrato's ineptitude has prevented us from knowing these things. They already shit all over Campbell by trying to get Cutler and now they let it leak that they really want a one year starting college QB? This makes no sense to me. But what should I expect. It's my fault. I support a Dan Snyder owned team.

I just pray to God that the Seahawks bite the bullet and fuck over Snyder's plans here. We don't need a fucking QB. Hell, if Campbell sucks this year, the QB's coming out next year are MUCH better. We need a god damn pass rushing DE or an offensive tackle. I'm sick and fucking tired of never pressuring the QB/watching our QB run for his life. When will these dumb fucks learn that you build a team from the inside out. Only the Raiders and Texans would draft a QB without having competent people blocking for him.

Dammit, why does my owner always make me plan for the worst...

Monday, April 20, 2009

Sometimes Ties Aren't Bad


For as much as I loathe the Red Sox and their "nation" of inbred, pink hat-wearing, bandwagon fans, a Yankees/Indians series is a close second to me when it comes to must-wins. The two teams opened up new Yankee Stadium this weekend and I feel that it warrants some discussion. So today, I unleash my thoughts on the 4 game split and I promise, much like yesterday's game, there will be no interference in this post (ZING!).

Thursday!
Oh hell yes, the new cathedral officially opens it's doors! I took the afternoon off to watch that much anticipated CC/Cliff Lee matchup and it was...underwhelming. Both guys had decent lines but neither was great. CC walked every other hitter he faced and Lee was Paul Byrd-like by only having one 1-2-3 inning in his day of work. I guess one thing that Tribe fans can look forward to is that Lee broke a TON of bats on Thursday which tells you that he is getting close to having his location back. The game was broken open by the Yankees God awful middle relief and that's all that we'll say about that. Man, our bullpen outside of Brian Bruney and Mo is really, really bad. But then again, they have been asked to pitch way too many innings so far. Mr. Cheap Double, Jhonny Peralta, was back to his normal ways with plenty of crappy bloop opposite field extra base hits that we've all grown to hate. One thing that does bother me having watched the first few games at the new place is that the crowd sucks. It sounded like a funeral. They forgot that when CC has 2 strikes on a guy, YOU STAND AND CLAP! Very frustrating to see that our blue-collar fans are probably not going to make the experience of a trip to the Bronx the same as in the past because they've been priced out of their seats.

Friday!
No one, and I mean NO ONE, strands baserunners in scoring position better than the Yankees. My God, it gets so old. Anthony Reyes was giving up long balls like whoa and Joba was wilder than fuck, which led to a game with no flow. In the end, it was the Indians turn to have their terrible middle relief (Vinny Chulk!) suck and the Yanks dropped 5 solo bombs en route to a 6-5 win. I didn't watch it but the win is all that mattered. You know, the funny thing about Indians fans is that they were extremely quick to talk shit to me on Thursday evening but had nothing to say about this game. Such cowards. How long has it been now? 61 years? I guess I would get a bit defensive and blow my load after 1 win if I had a 61 year itch, too. And get comfortable because as long as your manager is Eric Wedge, that drought will not end. You had your chance two years ago and blew it.

SATURDAY!
Seriously, the Wang Experience should be on an extremely short leash now. I was driving back from Marysville after my DH and was listening to the Cavs crush the Pistons as expected, so I had no idea what was going on. I heard that Teixeira made it 2-0 and that was that. Got a text from Damman 30 minutes later stating that "this is fun". Right then I had a feeling that Wang had blown that lead and then some. Little did I know that he and some guy that should be selling women's shoes served up 14 runs in the 2nd inning. FOURTEEN! How is that even possible? At least I didn't have to watch that turd when I got home (I did anyway but didn't feel obligated to do so). First of all, Wang gets one more start and if he still can't get out of the second inning, send his ass to extended spring training and get Phil Hughes up here. Second, don't take that Carmona start as a "he's cured!" He wasn't that good. I could pitch with a double digit lead. If you give up a home run to Melky Cabrera, you aren't right at all. Third, thank you, Fox, for that video of Cody Ransom jumping over Ken Rosenthal. That was much needed. Now if Ransom could just get his average over .200, I would be happy. 22-4 sucks...but it's just one game. There is no difference between that and a 5-4 loss so relax. Frankie says relax (what a well-timed and relevant reference!).

SUNDAY!
I watched this one from start to finish basically pissing my pants in anticipation for the epic failure of Carl Pavano's return. The only problem was that he was actually not horrible. Don't get me wrong, he still sucked because he's Carl Pavano, but he was shockingly effective. My boy, and upcoming Cy Young winner, AJ Burnett, made two mistakes but was otherwise flawless. By the way, I don't watch a lot of Indians games but their hitting approach was awesome. Patience. They waited for their pitch in EVERY at bat all weekend. Do they normally do this? If they did, they would be better than 5-9. Anyway, the big gripe of every stupid Indians fan is that borderline interference call on Hip Hip Jorge's pinch hit dinger in the 7th. Look, it was called a home run and there was not enough evidence for the umps to overturn it. STO's camera angles didn't show anything. YOU DON'T KNOW MORE ABOUT THE RULES THAN AN MLB UMPIRE! Deal with it. And if you want to complain about anything, how about bitching at your idiot manager for taking out your unshitty starting pitcher who will remain nameless to bring in a guy with an over FOURTEEN ERA! That was where you lost. Not on a relatively questionable call that wasn't really questionable anyway. When your manager does something that stupid, you deserve to lose. When you get only 4 hits, you will almost always lose. Bruney in the 8th, Ransom amazingly getting a hit for 3 RBI on a play that Choo pretty much quit on, and Mo in the 9th. Over. Split.

So what do we take from these two teams who are widely regarded as "should-be" playoff teams? Honestly, the Tribe should/could have swept the 4 games and I will admit that. And for that, I am more than pleased with a split while Tribe fans should be sort of pissed that they only got two games. They were sticking it while the Yankees bats were ice cold (Nick Swisher sucks again!). The big red flag for both of these teams is that bullpen. Both of them will have a really hard time getting the ball to their closers all year. My God, were they bad or what?

Let's do this again four more times at the end of May, shall we? Hopefully, by then our starting pitching will be figured out. I promise no more extended Yankees' series recaps. I'm working on my own mock draft so there is something you can look forward to later in the week. Well, that and Dut is out of the country so you can sleep easier tonight.

Happy 4:20...


...is something that I would say if I were a douchebag. You know what, I don't think that I've ever really found out why 4:20 was such a big number for potheads. Some of you have to know so feel free to let me know. Dut is in Amsterdam with a few of my other readers now but I don't even want to know what sort of all male revue they are at in the Red Light District. So I'm not going to call him for help on this.

Either way, if you are "celebrating" this date, you need to make better life choices. I've heard that some people actually get up at 4:20 am to smoke up. Are you serious? Get a job. Get a hobby. Get a haircut! Do something. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking to you, Michael Phelps.

Then again, maybe you should just watch Half Baked instead. What a classic. I don't watch that movie for the drugs, I watch it for the prison shower scenes. But that is just me. FYI, check out the post time...I'm contributing to the retards and hippies cause, too! By the way, Phish isn't that good and white guys should not groooooooove to Bob Marley. Fucking assholes.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Where Bad Predictions Happen


ATTENTION! It's OK now. The playoffs start this weekend. All the casual/non NBA fans are allowed to watch now. The losers have been weeded out and we're left with the 15 best teams in the league and the Detroit Pistons. It's no longer cool to run smack about the game because now everyone tries! I allowed you all to talk shit during the season about the product because, you know, everyone is entitled to their opinion...but it's time turn this blog into a fascist wonder again. No more anti-hoops crap. Not in my house. Get that weak stuff out of here. Before we make a few picks about the first round of the playoffs, let's take a gander at my preseason predictions and see how I fared.

Preseason in the East (1-8): Celtics, Cavs, Pistons, Magic, 76ers, Wizards, Raptors, and Bucks
Playoffs: Cavs, Celtics, Magic, Hawks, Heat, 76ers, Bulls, and Pistons
Notes: It's hard to determine which team was more pathetic this year between the Wizards and Pistons. Neither team tried but at least the Wiz had injuries to deal with. The Pistons just coasted through the season eventhough they start 3 all-stars. I should have taken into account that D-Wade is fucking amazing and that is my fault. The Bulls would be so much better if they weren't coached by a JV girls basketball coach. The 76ers are God awful.

Preseason in the West (1-8): Lakers, Hornets, Rockets, Jazz, Mavs, Spurs, Suns, Blazers
Playoffs: Lakers, Nuggets, Spurs, Blazers, Rockets, Mavs, Hornets, Jazz
Notes: Only missed one and that makes sense because the Suns ownership didn't even try this year. I left the Nuggets out initially thinking that there was no way that some team would be dumb enough to give them one of the best glue guys in the league. Joe Dumars is an idiot. Any coincidence that the Rockets were much better with T-Mac hurt?

MVP: LeBron and he's going to win it in a landslide
Coach: Rick Adelman and he'll likely finish second behind Mike Brown
Rookie: OJ Mayo, but it's Rose's award
Worst player: Was then and will always be Luke Walton
Let's get on with the predictions for round one:

Actually, you know what, I want to get something off of my chest first. I'm writing this while listening to the Simmons podcast with the Celtics announcer. They are both saying that whoever wins the title this year, there should be asterisk next to it since KG is out. Fuck that. Are you kidding me? The same fuck that, up until last year, was one of the biggest chokers in league history? Celtics fans are fucking retards. Did we put an asterisk next to their title last year when Boobie Gibson was hurt for games 6 and 7? How about when Andrew Bynum was out? Manu is hurt, should the champs' reputation be slighted because he's not playing? People from Boston are fucking pathetic. I hope that the Cavs get to play them because it would be sweet to celebrate on their fucking floor while simultaneously using Ray Allen's tiny sack as a speedbag. Bunch of pussies.

Cavaliers/Pistons - The Pistons have quit. The Cavs have shown no signs of letting off the gas. I'll give them a game. Cavs in 5
Hawks/Heat - This should be a fairly entertaining romp. People seem to want to see Wade/Bron in round two, but the Hawks are just much better and the Heat have overachieved all year with their crappy roster. Hawks in 7
Celtics/Bulls - Fuck Kevin Garnett. Fuck their excuses. That being said, the Bulls are too young to do much damage. Celtics in 5
Magic/76ers - By far the most boring first round series. Did you watch the Sixers/Cavs game the other night? The Cavs sat almost everyone and yet Philly could only win by a point in overtime. Even ugly Hedo's ugly ankle does not warrant crazy talk about an upset in this round. Magic in 4

Lakers/Jazz - This is not the same Jazz team from last year. These guys kind of suck and are playing terrible basketball. They'll win one at home but expect 4 blowouts. Lakers in 5
Blazers/Rockets - I think that this will be the most competitive series. You've got a great team against the best young team in basketball. This one lasts the distance and I'll take the team that has homecourt. Blazers in 7
Nuggets/Hornets - Denver doesn't really get the respect that they deserve. The Hornets are really not that good. Their thin in the frontcourt and have no shooters. Unless Chris Paul goes fucking nuts, this one won't last too long. Nuggets in 6
Spurs/Mavs - Ugh, it feels like these two rosters of dinosaurs play every playoffs. I have no faith in either team to actually come out of the West. Why would anyone bet on Dirk over a Popovich-coached team? Spurs in 6

Yeah, yeah, I know, I picked chalk in every series. Go fuck yourself. If I absolutely had to pick an upset, I would go with the Bulls over the Celtics, I guess. Now just sit back and enjoy the murdering of the Pistons quasi-dynasty beginning tomorrow. It's going to be a bloodbath. The over/under on Rasheed Wallace technical fouls this series is 3.5. See you all on Monday.

Taking His Horse Trailer Home


Poor Frank Caliendo. In 4 short months, his two money-making impressions have decided to slip away from the spotlight (Bush and today's topic). How depressed is he today? Hopefully, he shoots himself in the face. Did you ever watch Frank TV. Ouch. For as great as his Jim Rome is, that was the worst Bush impression that I've ever seen.

Anyway, John Madden has called it quits from announcing NFL games. I've got to be honest, this kind of sucks. Sure, he's not very good anymore. He stumbles through the English language worse than Clark Kellogg. His eyebrows and yellow teeth in HD have caused many nightmares for young football fans. His love of guys that "just have fun out there" is beyond annoying. But I'm going to miss him. I'll admit it.

The guy has called almost every single big football game in my lifetime. He was a bigger part of the Thanksgiving tradition than you probably even realize. For God's sake, players were jacked if Madden gave them a postgame turkey leg! Have you seen the prize that Fox gives out now? I guarantee that the recipient of that thing just throws it away before leaving the stadium. Note: no one on the Lions has ever won either award.

I'm guessing that NBC pairs Michaels with Collinsworth now and that is fine. Both guys do a good job. I don't care what people think about Collinsworth, the guy knows his shit, does research, and is well-spoken. He is kind of smug, but he's no worse than Joe Buck. You would think, though, that a guy that makes his home in Cincinnati would be much less pompous.

I have a feeling that eventhough we all kind of brush this aside now and think that it won't matter, we will feel it on that opening night. It just won't be the same without this crazy old idiot screaming "BOOM" into the mic all night. It's sort of like a (potential Simmons reference alert) Billy Packer Corollary. You know that you hate him and you want him to just retire. He finally does (or in Packer's case, gets relieved of his duty) and you are ecstatic. They replace him with someone less offensive in your opinion. But then when the games are played, you kind of miss saying that he's an idiot. I don't know about you guys, but I was sad during the Final Four that I couldn't get pissed off at something that Packer said. The same thing will likely hold true for Madden.

If I knew how, I would cook up a turducken this weekend as a tribute. But instead, I'll probably just drunkenly stumble through the aisles of an Ace Hardware while spraying my feet with tough-actin' Tinactin. I think that John would have liked that.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Local Sports Nuggets


I'm taking a half day at work today so that I can watch the first game at Yankee Stadium. It's going to be quite enjoyable to view CC Sabathia get revenge on the franchise that tried to ruin his career before he found greatness. The game is on MLB Network (I will not be watching the STO version) and it's been awhile since I've heard Bob Costas call a baseball game. Should be fun. Probably much more fun than Mr. Ace sitting in Co-Pa yesterday watching his Pale Hose get crushed by the White Trash. Anyway, there are 5 separate nuggets of sports news going on in central Ohio currently and I figured that now would be as good a time as any to discuss them publicly. Nothing quite worthy of a full post, but together, they mesh well into one big awful post! After all, nothing gets the comments section going like a little slandering of the local college sports team here.

-Huntington Park opens this weekend
I can only remember going to one Clippers game in my life and it was Dime-a-dog night. It was awesome. We also got to boo Drew Henson and everyone loves that. But the Clips open up the new Huntington Park and from everything that I've seen and heard, the place is sweet. It may not be as nice as the Mud Hens park (which is better than some MLB stadiums), but it has to be better than Cooper Stadium. I'm quite certain that that place had a 154 game streak of someone getting shot. Rumor has it that you and 11 of your ugliest friends can get a suite at the new place for $500. That's not a bad deal at all. And in another month, you will be able to see Cliff Lee make all of his future starts in that building!

-Goodbye, Mark Titus?
I read his blog about this last week but didn't think much of it. But then, on my drive home Monday, I heard on the radio that it was apparently true. Club Trillion founder and Ohio State bench expert, Mark Titus, has sent his paperwork into the NBA and is declaring himself eligible for the draft. Words can't even describe how hilarious this is. Thankfully, he has not yet hired an agent. We all can see that this is a joke but, man, that is good stuff. I wonder if he will be invited to any of the pre-draft camps. This man sure knows how to entertain. I just wish that he would post more than once per week.

-CBJ/Wings tonight!
The NHL playoffs really begin tonight! While I was skeptical at first, fuck it, I'm down now. My Jackets are going to pull off the shocker and beat the Wings. I really have no basis for this other than my severe disdain for anything and everything from Detroit. They do have a shitty goalie in Chris Osbad (see what I did there!) so maybe that will help the CBJ's cause. One thing is for sure, Steve Mason has to stand on his head (I don't know what that means) for this entire series. Let's shove some octopus up Kwame Kilpatrick's, Drew's, and GSaul's asses!

-The Memorial news is starting to pick up!
Last week, it was announced that Paddy Harrington and Masters choker, Kenny Perry, would be coming to Dublin this year for Jack's tournament. I've read that they expect Tiger and Phil to commit soon as well. There was another commital last week...me. For the third straight year, G$ will be sitting green-side at Muirfield sucking down beers in the hot fucking sun while sweating through two shirts and producing some of the nastiest swamp ass this side of the Mississippi. I love it. I can't wait. I encourage all of my readers (especially in the area) to head down to this extremely well run event at a beautiful golf course.

-Pryor sucks
We couldn't end this without a little Buckeye football bashing! Don't think that I'm going soft on you here. So QB and professional Dut hater, Terrelle Pryor, has been held out of spring practices the last few days due to a sore arm. A sore arm? WTF? Rumor has it that TP hasn't been very impressive anyway. The guy still stares down his receivers and has the same fucked up delivery in his throwing motion. The same exact problems that he had last year! Weren't they going to correct that this Fall? I guess that Gentleman Jim had better things to do this offseason besides making his QB an actual threat to throw the ball downfield. Ohio State fucking sucks (I need to say this not only because I believe it, but because you pussies need to wake up and start calling me a prison fuckdoll again).

And to finish off this Ohio-related post, how about the logo for the upcoming UK/MU game. RUMBLE AT THE RIVER!!! Who's got a boner!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I Smell Super Bowl


The NFL released the schedule for the upcoming 2009 season yesterday. For some reason, ESPN dedicated a 3 hour show to break this down. Now come on, Bristol, did we really need this? Talking about potentially big games in week 15 seems a bit much to me. But then again, I have yet to meet a football fan that wasn't interested in Trent Dilfer's opinions on the Monday Night Football schedule. So what do I know? At least Chris Berman wasn't on wearing his size 60 green jacket. YOUR Washington Redskins schedule for next year:

1 Sun, Sept. 13 at New York Giants FOX 4:15 p.m.
2 Sun, Sept. 20 vs. St. Louis Rams FOX 1 p.m.
3 Sun, Sept. 27 at Detroit Lions FOX 1 p.m.
4 Sun, Oct. 4 vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers FOX 1 p.m.
5 Sun, Oct. 11 at Carolina Panthers FOX 1 p.m.
6 Sun, Oct. 18 vs. Kansas City Chiefs CBS 1 p.m.
7 Mon, Oct. 26 vs. Philadelphia Eagles ESPN 8:30 p.m.
8 Bye
9 Sun, Nov. 8 at Atlanta Falcons FOX 1 p.m.
10 Sun, Nov. 15 vs. Denver Broncos CBS 1 p.m.
11 Sun, Nov. 22 at Dallas Cowboys FOX 1 p.m.
12 Sun, Nov. 29 at Philadelphia Eagles FOX 1 p.m.
13 Sun, Dec. 6 vs. New Orleans Saints FOX 1 p.m.
14 Sun, Dec. 13 at Oakland Raiders FOX 4:05 p.m.
15 Mon, Dec. 21 vs. New York Giants ESPN 8:30 p.m.
16 Sun, Dec. 27 vs. Dallas Cowboys NBC 8:20 p.m.
17 Sun, Jan. 3 at San Diego Chargers FOX 4:15 p.m.

Monday nighters at home against the Eagles and Giants and a home Sunday night game against Dallas is pretty sweet. I'm even going to be bold enough to predict that all three of those spotlight games are won by the home team (that's the Skins, if you just nodded off to sleep). Without too much thought, I can see the Skins going 3-3 within the NFC East with losses at San Diego, Carolina, and possibly Atlanta. I'm thinking a solid 10-6 season. The AFC West is awful. The Bucs suck. They get New Orleans outside in December.

Obviously, all of you hate the Redskins a bit more than you should because of me alone, but even the biggest hater has to admit that this is a fairly soft schedule. I expect nothing less than the Super Bowl trophy in DC this season and for Albert Haynesworth to eat at least one opposing running back per month (he can start with Brandon Jacobs).

Either way, congratulations to your 2010 Super Bowl champions: The Washington Redskins!!!

A Sponge-Worthy Film


I don't even know where to begin with this one. I read on Warming Glow (the TV blog of champions) yesterday that the wonderful people that make erotic films are coming out with this beauty...

Seinfeld: A XXX Parody

First of all, look at the guy playing George! He doesn't even look like a human; more like some half-eggman and half-pedophile. This is just a hilarious premise. I do have some questions regarding the creative direction of the project:

Will Kramer refuse to do black chicks?
Where does Newman fit into this?
Mulva has got to make an appearance, right?
Do they use settings like Monk's, the Alex Theatre, and/or Del Boca Vista?
Is the guy playing George actually performing?
If the answer is "yes" to the previous question, why would anyone want to watch that?
Can they get all of Jerry's girlfriends to appear while not bothering with George's or Kramer's?
We all know that Elaine got around, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to see her take on Peterman and Frank Costanza at the same time.
Are the guys that stole the armoire going to do each other? Because that would be awful. Unless the Soup Nazi stormed in right before they got going and screamed, "No sex for you!" and then they cut over to a scene with Elaine getting it on with Marisa Tomei.

However it's done, I now know what I'm asking for my birthday this year. Just look at George one more time...good Lord.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Adam Dunn Tends To Have That Effect On People


So...legendary Phillies announcer, Harry Kalas, collapsed at the park and died yesterday. I don't think that I have ever heard him call a game so I'm not going to pretend that this was a huge loss to me. Sure, I'm sad at the loss of life for another human being; I'm not trying to be Kalas (see what I did there!). But really, this means very little to me. Kalas was not involved in the scene in The Naked Gun when they had 10 announcers in the booth to call a Mariners/Angels game, so he couldn't have been that good. For God's sake, Dick Vitale and Dr. Joyce Brothers were calling that game! If Kalas was special, he could have cracked that rotation.

Phillies fans are absolutely destroying the internet now with sappy stories about how they used to listen to him on the radio when they were a kid and blah blah blah. I don't have that same connection. First of all, listening to games on the radio is for the Amish. It's called a TV...get with the fucking program. And if any of the Yankees announcers (radio or TV) collapsed, sadness would be the last emotion that I would go through. Especially Michael Kay...I hate Michael Kay.

Is there any way that this whole thing could be a hoax though? I've never been to a Nationals game before but I would assume that people fake their own death all the time to get out of there without having to watch that team. That happens, right? Back in the 80's, Herb Score used to fake heart attacks like he was Red Foxx all the time to get out of Municipal Stadium before the end of another Indians loss.

I don't have a connection to any announcer in any sport now that I think about. Well, except for Austin Carr. Wait a minute, maybe I should think about this some more. I'm thinking about having to watch the Cavaliers without AC's constant awesomeness...Oh God, the horror...I'm going to need a minute here to collect myself.

(sobbing uncontrollably for 2 hours)

Yep, now I know exactly how Phillies (and baseball) fans are feeling right now. And that would suck balls. Do you hear that, Grim Reaper, you'll never take Mr. Cavalier away from me!

Home Sweet Home


Before I gush over the Cavaliers (again), how underrated of a song is Home Sweet Home by Motley Crue? What a great tune...best ballad of all time. Yeah, I said it. And it actually has a deeper meaning since someone is going to have to beat the Cavs at least once at The Q in order to win the NBA title this Summer.

In other words...it ain't going to happen.

LeBron and Company completed their goal tonight in Indy and have solidified the best record in the NBA (66-15 with one to play...wow). What an amazing year it has been. Hell, in my prediction post before the season, I had them at #3 in the East behind the Pistons. Boy, was I fucking stupid. I failed to recognize a few very important things:
-Danny Ferry knows what he's doing
-Mo Williams is an elite point guard
-They play the best defense in the league
-LeBron James is the best player on the planet

How did I miss all of that anyway? OK, while I do not claim the Cavaliers as my favorite team, I feel like I get more defensive and protective about them than I do the Yankees or Redskins. Why? It bothers me when people say that they don't like LeBron or hate Varejao or think that Mike Brown sucks. If you think that Kobe or D-Wade is better than LeBron, then you should just quit life. Every single team would love to have Andy getting every loose ball on the floor. Do you remember Mike Brown as a rookie coach? It was awful. But not more than 3 times in 81 games this year did I bitch about his coaching. I'm sorry. I'm going to stand up for my guys.

So needless to say, I'm proud of my team and I can't wait for the playoffs to start. I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I really do believe that the Cavs could go something like 16-3 on their way to a title. And I know that there are a few Cleveland fans out there that have a far greater connection to the Browns and Indians than they do the Cavs and are a little unsure if they want the Cavaliers to finally end the drought in Cleveland. Think of it this way, look what happened in the loser city of Boston after the Pats beat the Rams in 2001. It sort of started a massive windfall of championships for that shitty city. Maybe LeBron can indirectly bring the other Cleveland teams some good fortune, too. Don't be afraid. It will be OK.

And to think, just 6 long months ago I gave Our King a high-five. Obviously, our connection equals basketball glory. So where's my money at?

Monday, April 13, 2009

Broken-Hearted


The great Wes Mantooth, son of the saint, Gloria Mantooth, once said that "today we spell redemption, R-O-N". I respect Wes's desire to change the spelling of words. Hell, I would even be willing to take him out to a nice seafood dinner but never call him again. And taking a cue from this second place San Diego newsman, I, too, would like to change the spelling of a well known word in the English language. For today only, we spell heartbroken, "G-M-O-N-E-Y". Allow me to explain.

My RedHawks - Oh man. I'm no college hockey expert but having witnessed the 2004 Yankees in the ALCS, I know what a choke looks and feels like. That was a choke. When you are up 3-1 with less than a minute to go, conventional wisdom states that you should win. Statistically speaking, your odds of winning the game have to be 98%. Hell, my mom and I already had beers out to celebrate Miami's first ever national championship in the 200 years of the university's existence. But it was not in the cards on Saturday night. Boston U hammers in 2 goals in the last minute and then gets a deflection in overtime and Miami fans around the world are left sitting there thinking about what could have been. Man, that sucked. For a sport that I only started paying attention to over the past three weeks, it sure did sting like a motherfucker. We were heavy underdogs yet dominated for 59 minutes of the game and it's all taken away. It has been a very long time since I've felt that bad after a game. We deserved that. That was ours. Fuck. Maybe in 200 more years we can raise a national title banner!

My Yankees - Sure, they are looking much better today than they did 5 days ago, but something happened this week that has me concerned. Nick Swisher is mashing. Freaking killing the ball. These stats are not official, but I'm pretty sure that he has 35 RBI in the last 4 games. I want to not like him. I thought that he was a terrible addition to the team. Saturday night, I was discussing Swish's transformation into a decent hitter with some White Sox fans and they both said the same thing: "In a month, when he's hitting .208, all of your announcers will be saying only one thing about him...he's such a great clubhouse guy. That will be it." I hope that they aren't right.

My Redskins - Mel Kiper thinks that they will draft Mark Sanchez. Please, God, no don't do it.

My Cavaliers - The only reason that they disappointed me was by not beating the Celtics by 50...like they could have. Have you ever noticed that while neither of these teams can win in the others' gym, the Celtics have to scrap to beat the Cavs in Boston while the Cavs absolutely murder them every time they set foot in The Q??? It's something to think about. By the way, Pistons fans, you better pray to God that you finish as the 7 seed. You don't want this.

The Masters - Saturday night, while discussing the final round at the bar, everyone was picking Kenny Perry to win. I believed that Angel Cabrera would since he's won a major before. Clearly, I am the smartest man in Henry County (whi isn't saying much). What a great final round though. Tiger and Phil did not disappoint. I absolutely hate Phil, but his front 9 yesterday was absolutely sensational. It wasn't at a RedHawks hockey level, but Perry choked the shit out of it. It was over and he blew it. I was rooting for him because he's a nice guy and is probably one of the best players to never win a major, but his window has probably shut for good now. And how about Jim Nantz talking about azaleas for at least an hour on Saturday. I swear to God, if Nantz could have sex with Butler Cabin, he would. And I was right about another thing...Chad Campbell would not even be close on Sunday! Shhh, don't ruin this for me. It's still not a better tournament than the British Open though, but still always a quality watch at Augusta.

My pompous attitude - So, the vegetarianism for ol' G$ is done and over with. And while I'm quite happy that it's over, I kind of miss it. It was enjoyable to act like you're better than everyone else (eventhough I already know this to be true) just because you have tremendous willpower. To answer your question, this is how I fell off the wagon. I went to Easter Mass with my mom yesterday morning, we got home at about 9:10 AM, and I immediately grilled up some brats. For breakfast. It was fantastic. If you can tell me any other breakfast better than 2 brats and a cup of coffee, go fuck yourself because I don't want to hear about it. As my buddy, Black, says, "eat your brat, ya twat".

My Blue Jackets - Oh, well done, assholes. All you needed was one point in your last two games this weekend to lock up the 6 seed and thus avoid the Red Wings in the first round. Couldn't do it. In fact, they were embarrassed in both games. So instead of playing a Vancouver team that they could actually beat, the CBJ now get the defending Stanley Cup champions who, while they have struggled with us over the past two years compared to the rest of the league (I believe they are .500 against us in that time frame), should have no trouble sending us home in 4 or 5 games. Fucking idiots.

My Social Life - Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much hanging out with Damman, Mr. Ace, Li'l Strut, and Naptown Wolverine. I had to take 3 showers last night to get all the gay off of me. They were literally wiping their homo scent on me all weekend. She$ was not impressed.

I need something good to happen this week. I took it way too far up the ass this weekend and I don't even like taking it up the ass. Maybe if I throw a trident through someone it will make me feel better. Oh shit, the gay is back again...I need another shower. See you all tomorrow.

Friday, April 10, 2009

You've Got Mail-In Genitalia


Gentlemen, between watching college hockey, looking at the potential house with She$, packing for a weekend back in Nap, and watching 4 hours of network TV, I just didn't have time to crank out (or off) anything more than a quick-hitting mail-in post on this Good Friday.

>RedHawk Hockey going for the title!!! - Hell yes, it may not be the most popular sport in the world, but Miami is going for it's first ever national title tomorrow night against Boston U at the Frozen Four! I don't know shit about this stuff, but I'm pretty sure that we have the greatest team ever.

>Damn shame about Nick Adenhart - You just hate it when shit like this happens. Things like this obviously bring back feelings of Sean Taylor's death and it sucks. At least they caught the scumbag that did it. I don't want to make light of this at all, but there is a Dante Stallworth joke somewhere but I'll let you all connect the dots.

>The Masters - Anyone want to bet that Chad Campbell isn't even within 5 shots of the lead on Sunday afternoon? That dude blows. And a note to Phil Mickelson's queermo ass, guys that wear white belts have never won anything before. Tiger is right where he wants to be...I expect him to get another green jacket and a front row seat to Jim Nantz's creepy Butler Cabin smile at 7 pm on Sunday.

>Burn, Baby, Burnett - I truly do believe that AJ Burnett is going to win 20 games this year and end up being the ace of the Yankees staff this season. You can say what you want to about his past injuries, but at some point you have to think that that can be used a motivator. He had filthy stuff yesterday.

>The triumphant return of meat - Come Monday's blog posting, yours truly will officially be off the meat wagon and back to my ways of heart-clogging glory. Does Wendy's still have The Baconator? That seems like a good start to test my heart again.

>Worst show ever - Did you watch the 2 episodes of The Office last night? Fucking abysmal. And it was nice to see that that Parks And Recreation is the exact same show only with zero potential laughs. It is the EXACT same thing. Just awful. Amy Poehler should be embarrassed...but then again, she was on SNL the last few years so it's obvious that she knows no shame.

It's been a long week. I need to recharge the batteries that only way that I know how...a weekend trip back to Henry County.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: Real Estate


Legendary blogger, Drew Magary, has a blog called "Father Knows Shit". It's pretty much a diary of all the weird and stupid shit that goes on over the course of fatherhood. So I'm sitting around the other day thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, She-Money keeps dropping all of these monster bills my way, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing." Whenever I see fit, I'm going to do a post about some horrible aspect of the wedding planning process. If you guys take one piece of advice from me, let it be this:

There is nothing wrong with getting married. There is everything wrong with planning a wedding. Everything about it sucks and it is ripe to be blogged/bitched about. I've already ranted and raved about flowers, the DJ, groomsmen gifts, and who could forget my epic Bed Bath and Beyond tirade. Up next on "Groom Knows Dick": Real Estate.

Are all real estate agents assholes? Seriously, the guy helping She$ and I wouldn't return any of her phone calls but for some reason answered mine every time. While I appreciate his philosophy that "women are idiots", well, I just plain support that policy. But it took him two weeks to finally set up a face-to-face with us. And being the impatient sex God that I am, that ain't too cool.

So last night we met with the selling agent for a house that we like. It's a great deal. It's about a minute away from where I live now. The previous owner left all the appliances there. I get my own bathroom. It features 4 glory holes spread throughout the house. We know that we want it and we're ready to get serious. But, oh no, this guy wants to get to know us more. And as soon as this guy finds out that She$ works at Ohio State, Jesus titty-fucking Christ, he literally spent 45 minutes talking about Ohio State football and the former players that he is friends with. And here I am with my dick in my hand; not giving a fuck about any of this. Ooooooh, you know Mike Vrabel??? I'm so impressed. How about focusing on us for a bit instead of name-dropping borderline celebrities? I don't give a shit about where your season tickets are or about Gordon Gee's bowtie-shaped cookies, we need a fucking shelter, you prick.

I say all of this because I hate Ohio State fans, but in all honesty, the realtor is actually a pretty good guy. He didn't sugarcoat anything. We asked him to be honest and he was. But one thing has me worried and has for a few weeks now. He continues to insist that this process takes awhile...a long while. And my main complaint here is WHY!

What the fuck takes so long? You know what you would accept for the property. We make an offer. We have the financing to back it up. What's the big fucking hold-up? I don't get these things. You know, people are always talking about how the real estate market sucks now...well maybe if the banks actually did their fucking job and approved some home sales, it wouldn't be such a shitty landscape. I don't know, I could have no idea what I'm talking about here. But that's what bothers me...the uncertainty. The fact that when August 1st rolls around and we tie the knot, we could still be waiting on a fucking bank to get off of their asses.

We've been told that we can afford this place and my old man is taking care of the finances, but even then, the realtor told us that we have a 60-70% of landing this place. And that's what I don't understand. It shouldn't be this difficult and you shouldn't have to jump through this many hoops. How does this make any sense at all!!!

AHHHHHH! Fuck it all. She$ and I are going to end up living in different houses for the next ten fucking years waiting for this shit to go through. Stupid real estate shit. I hate you so much. Maybe some dirty homeless shelter will take us in.

The Drought Is Over


Fuck and yes! Your Columbus Blue Jackets are officially playoff bound for the first time in franchise history! The only NHL team to never make the playoffs now has a 1 in 16 shot to take home Lord Stanley's Cup!

Hell yeah. I've been a diehard Jackets fan since their inception into the league (not true, it's been more like two years). We have the best goalie in the league in Steve Mason (probably not true), the best player in the league in Rick Nash (not true, but close), and the best coach in the league in BIG Ken Hitchcock (might be true). Hell yes. The CBJ have finally gotten over the hump.

Hey, the Rays went to the World Series. The Cardinals went to the Super Bowl. Doc Rivers won an NBA championship. So why the fuck can't my Jackets win it all? CARRY THE FLAG!!!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

The State of Online Sports Journalism


*The point of this post is to smear those who get paid by the "big boy" sites to write about sports. I, by no means, think that I could do their job. If anyone ever referred to me by anything more than "sexy blogger", I would swallow their face whole. This is just G$ doing what G$ does best...anonymously attacking others with a smug sense of self-satisfaction while wearing sweatpants and watching re-runs of Family Guy.

I'll admit it. I'm a big fan of ESPN's Bill Simmons. Sure, the guy has a tendency to talk about Boston sports/Karate Kid waaaaay too much and he barely writes anymore, but I still get excited every time I see that there is some new article up at ESPN. Call me a fag, I don't care. I'm a Simmons honk. Now, on the other hand, the guy whose face is right next to Simmons', Rick Reilly (pictured), I don't care for. I find his writing to be overly sappy and human interest stories don't "interest" me at all. I'll take an analogy comparing Ralph Macchio to Eric Gordon any day over the tale of an athlete succeeding in his sport after his parents were eaten by raccoons. I think that Reilly insists upon himself and does a poor job relating to the people who are reading his tear-jerkers. But he's been doing this for years and I highly doubt that he would give a shit what this broke-ass blogger thinks about his writing style.

Now there were rumors flying around the 'sphere that Reilly and Simmons did not get along. Something about money or status at ESPN or Mount Rushmore or veinier cock, I'm not really sure. But Reilly appeared on the BS Report yesterday and it was actually a really solid discussion in which they each critiqued each other's style. Reilly even came off to be human eventhough he was bitching about this year being only the 2nd time since 1986 that he would miss The Masters. Boo-fucking-hoo...watch it on TV like the rest of us.

It did get me thinking though; these guys are 2/3 of the triumverate of online sports journalism (along with Peter King who I still read eventhough he is a massive dork). I'm struggling to come up with a fourth so that Reilly could have his own Mount Rushmore though. Anyway, I figured I would help out all of my readers by giving you 8 columnists from the big 3 sites (ESPN, SI, and Fox...I don't count CBS or Yahoo in this because I don't frequent them as much as I probably should) that you shouldn't waste your time with. For the record, read King and Simmons and avoid Reilly.

-Pat Forde, ESPN - He's kind of pompous. He refers to himself in the third person a lot (The Dash/Minutes). He lives in Louisville. Forde is much better at being the man breaking stories than he is coming up with his own material.

-Jason Whitlock, FoxSports - Now I've been reading Whitlock for awhile now but it isn't because he's good. It is because he embarrasses himself ALL THE TIME. Everything boils down to race to him. And let's not forget that he's insane. I'm pretty sure that he is banned from ESPN for life...and it takes a lot to do that.

-Gregg Easterbrook, ESPN - Holy shit. This guy might be the worst writer ever. Have you ever tried to read his Tuesday Morning Quarterback or whatever it's called? It will literally take you 2 hours and that isn't even counting the naps required to finish it (at least 4). I can't believe that a guy who spells his first name so fag-gy can get paid to write about the NFL.

-Don Banks, SI.com - Have you read this guy's mock drafts? They are a fucking joke! I think that he had me going to the Chiefs at #3 last week. Sports Illustrated has 40 guys writing on the NFL and Banks ranks 41st. King refers to him as "Donnie Brasco" which makes me hate him more.

-Jayson Stark, ESPN - Rumblings and Grumblings is just an awful column. 10,000 words of nothing when I could read Buster Olney's blog and get twice as much info in about 3 minutes??? Where do I sign up! Stark just hasn't been the same since ESPN made him shave off his 'stache and then subsequently banned him from TV.

-Ken Rosenthal, FoxSports - I mentioned this last week, but it warrants mention again: Rosenthal fucking sucks. Go ahead, read an article of his. I guarantee that you will say "that's wrong" at least 5 times before you're done. Compare his stuff to Heyman or Verducci over at SI. Not even close.

-Dr. Z, SI.com - No one has made a career out of stupid columns and picks more than Paul Zimmerman. I'm not callous though. I know that he recently suffered from 3 strokes, but I'm talking about his prior work and how much it sucked. I think that he predicted the Dolphins to win the Super Bowl when Jay Fiedler was their QB...and it was on the cover of fucking SPORTS ILLUSTRATED!

-Todd McShay, Bag Of Dicks - I don't even know if he writes a column for ESPN outside of his retarded mock drafts but the guy needs to go away. He is not Mel Kiper. He will never be Mel Kiper. Mel Kiper eats pumpkin pie for breakfast every morning (true story). McShay eats Merrill Hoge's concussed pubic hair. I hate McShay. He is such a smarmy prick.

Well, there you go. I hope I could, in some way, make your not-working a tad more efficient. It took me two years to wade through the crap but I'm here to help. Did I forget anyone? Am I missing someone that is actually good? Let me know because I'm always down with not doing work at work.

Before we go, a quick shout-out to JBeanie who made the tough decision yesterday to shut down his blog. For what it's worth, if you can't put your heart into it, it's better to retire than drag it on. You want to go out like Barry Sanders and not Brett Favre. Keep this in mind if you ever get the jones again, the offer is always on the table to contribute here...you just have to proofread, bitch. Stay in touch. I'm back tomorrow with (hopefully) another Groom Knows Dick.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

We Have A Winner


Before we do an extremely quick summation of the national championship game from last night, congratulations are in order. The Money Shot's bracket challenge title has been claimed. The winner goes by the name of Tim Bruns and you may know him as my former boss, mediocre fantasy football general manager, and lover of all things "Uncle Leo". Bunny (if you google search "Tim Bruns", this picture of two gay guys doing yoga pops up) is the inspiration behind the new NBC Thursday night comedy, Parks and Recreation. You know what though, they should have made that show based on my time working for the city of Napoleon. It was there that I really honed my craft as the world's worst employee. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least 3 shows (when I discovered the "cabinet of found porn mags", driving by the city pool to check out the broads at least twenty times per day, and the time when I was sleeping in the work truck and was awaken with a gallon of water to the face and then did what any rational person would do by trying to run over three guys with the aforementioned truck...just like Dante Stallworth). Fuck Amy Poehler...that show should be about me, dammit.

What the hell was I just talking about? Oh, I'm still trying to decide on what the prize pack will consist of, but it will be on your doorstep soon enough. I was going to Xerox my balls and then autograph it, but I figured that the people that work on my floor likely would not find it as funny as I would. Fucking prudes. A few notes to close out the college hoops season:

-A boring ass championship game ends a boring ass tournament. Worst March Madness that I can remember.
-Ty Lawson is a force that can not be stopped and probably played his way into the top 5 come June.
-Good job, refs, for calling 400 fouls during that game. Because everyone loves to watch free throws.
-I hate on the Heels a lot, but you have to respect a group of kids that came back for one reason only and they did it.
-The Carolina win by no means validate the ACC as the best conference.
-Had MSU won, it would have done nothing to improve the Big Ten's standing. No one criticized Sparty as being fraudulent anyway.

Oh well, at least that was the final time that we have to see #50 play until he ends up replacing Kurt Thomas on the Spurs next year.