Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: Bed Bath & Beyond


Legendary blogger, Drew Magary, has a blog called "Father Knows Shit". It's pretty much a diary of all the weird and stupid shit that goes on over the course of fatherhood. So I'm sitting around the other day thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, She-Money keeps dropping all of these monster bills my way, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing." Whenever I see fit, I'm going to do a post about some horrible aspect of the wedding planning process. If you guys take one piece of advice from me, let it be this:

There is nothing wrong with getting married. There is everything wrong with planning a wedding. Everything about it sucks and it is ripe to be blogged/bitched about. I've already ranted and raved about flowers, the DJ, and the groomsmen gifts, but today I need to spew some of that classic Money Shot venom that you all know and love. Up next on "Groom Knows Dick": Bed Bath & Beyond.

So She$ and I have pretty much completed our registry (at least I think that we have). We went to a few department stores before and decided to get something going at BB&B on Friday night. Don't get me wrong, I actually enjoyed the whole process of registering for gifts. You get to use that scanner gun thingy and pray that one of your guests might actually buy you the coffee maker that you want but are too lazy to go out and buy yourself. It's awesome. Well, unless you go to Bed Bath & Beyond...and that's when everything goes to shit.

Like I said, I actually volunteered to get this out of the way eventhough the Miami/Denver college hockey game just started the third period and both Sweet Sixteen games had already begun. Hell, it's only going to take a half hour or so and then we can head to a Mexican restaurant and I can watch the rest of the games while eating 6 baskets of chips before my vegetarian enchiladas show up. Not so fast.

We walk in that dump around 7:15 and immediately get set up with some sort of wedding registry guru that they have on retainer. I figure that we just have to fill out a few forms, get the gun, walk around the store once arguing about if we really need something as stupid as a bagel slicer (yep, it made the list), and we're done. Nope. The "guru" has about twenty stacks of binders that she wants to go over with us. At this point, She$ and I find out that the guru is from Napoleon as well. Now, this is significant because 1.) no one ever admits to being from there and 2.) N-A-P-O-L-E-O-N, Napoleon. Napoleon! NAPOLEON! And don't listen to Gus Johnson, there is only one Naptown and it ain't Indianapolis. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah...

Here comes the book with china patterns. The one soul-crushing conversation for any groom...the talk about plates that you will never, ever use. There's everyday use and fine china and flatware and gravy boats and brass anal beads...IT DOES NOT END. She$ would pick out a few potential patterns and actually look at me to guage my response which was always a twisted combination of rabid snarl, flared nostrils, and homocidal crack eyes.
She$: Well, what do you think of these?
G$: I don't care. Literally, I have no opinion at all. I do not care.
G$'s Head: I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THIS SHIT. ALL THAT I NEED ARE PAPER PLATES. CHINET IS THE SHIT. THAT STUFF CAN HOLD ANYTHING. HAVE YOU HEARD ANYONE COMPLAIN ABOUT CHINET? NO, YOU HAVE NOT. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT IS A QUALITY PRODUCT THAT DOESN'T TEAR AND THEN YOU CAN THROW IT AWAY! PLEASE GIVE ME THE GOD DAMN SCANNER GUN SO I CAN SEE IF MAYBE THAT THING SHOOTS BULLETS AND I CAN END THIS HORRIBLE FUCKING TRIP RIGHT NOW!

We talked about this stuff in the guru's office for over an hour (who I do have to admit was a very nice person if only she would not have wasted so much of my time). We finally got this crap done and a calming sense of relief overcomes me as I can now see the light at the end of BB&B. Just give me the scanner and let me speedwalk through this shithole so I can head across the parking lot and start drinking El Vaquero salsa until I puke. Again, not so fast. The guru isn't fucking around. We aren't getting off that easy. My time is not important to the horrible demons that work at Bed Bath & Beyond.

The guru wants to walk us around the store and explain all the stuff that we apparently need! Are you serious, you think we should get some pans. Huh, never thought of that. And you want us to put down the ones that cost $1000 and not one of our idiot guests would ever buy it? That sounds so simple! Instead of giving us the gun and letting us do our own thing, the guru walks us around actually writing down products so that we don't have to scan them ourselves. Sure, it's a nice gesture and all, but you don't know me. You don't realize how crazy that I truly am. Mentally, I'm already carving out your insides like a fucking jack-o-lantern.

But I finally reached my boiling point with the guru (and She$) when the topic of cutlery came up. Look, I would love to have a nice set of knives and all, but I wouldn't use them enough to warrant a really nice set. I should mention that I already registered for some knives at Kohl's (surprisingly awesome kitchen selection). But, when the guru asks us about cutlery, for some strange reason She$ makes it seem like this is something that I really want. So here comes the sales pitch. This has now shifted into some sort of high pressure timeshare presentation on knives. Of course I should get a really nice set that could cut through bone, lady, after all, you and She$ are about ten minutes away from knowing what Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman went through. But I maintained. I just dropped the ever so vague and disinterested, "I don't know" on them. After ten knife questions asked to me with this same response, the guru decided that I was not to be messed with anymore. She made the right decision. I would have rather talked about Jay Cutler.

We end up picking out some dumbass towels and other stupid stuff, FINALLY got the goddamn scanner, and was out there in a robust 2 hours and 15 minutes. By the way, Berger, we used you as a reference so enjoy the $25 gift certificate to Hell. In a little over 3 hours, you can walk out of that cesspool with a stack of ShamWow's.

I can't stress this enough...Bed Bath & Beyond is the worst place ever. Do you remember in Old School when Frank the Tank was talking to those loser kids about going there and they gave him that "you are fucking pathetic" look? Now I know why. It was the worst experience of my life...and I witnessed my Redskins lose to the Bengals in person. At least it's over though. Now I can just sit back and watch my ass get fatter until August. Whew, I needed to get that rant off my chest in the worst way. The only things that I want are a coffee maker and a big ass TV...the rest of the stuff means almost nothing to me.

I'm going to be a great husband...

Hineygate Is Officially Dead


If you've never been to Ohio State for a football Saturday, you missed out on one of the greatest parties ever. For each home game over the past 26 years, the Holiday Inn on Lane Avenue (formerly Champions Lane!) hosted Hineygate...a party that started three hours before the game and went on for 2 hours after the game. It was awesome and it featured everything. And keep in mind, this is coming from someone who despises anything that has to do with Ohio State...yet I always enjoy these events.

-at least 4,000 people from Henry County
-fake Tim Middleton
-$8 beers that get warm four seconds after you buy them
-some random idiot shaving off his mustache
-mediocre band of old guys singing 30 year old rock songs (I Fought The Law and the Law Won was my favorite)
-saggy tits from trashy broads in their late 40's
-stuck up college chicks that won't flash their knobs eventhough they are sitting on some drunk guy's shoulders
-throwing beers up in the air when the party concludes (and hoping to hit the guy in the Red Sox hat)
-the time that I launched half of a beer at the stage from at least 90 feet away and drilled one of the assholes in the band with it (best throw of my life)

But it's gone. It's all gone. As of yesterday, 3/30/2009, Hineygate is dead. Where in the bloody Hell am I going to go to see floppy jugs with stretch marks now!!! Probably at Private Dancer, I guess. I'm sure that Drew can give me a better scouting report on that place.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Smarch Madness Pt. Deux


OK, I'm just going to come right out and say it, college basketball sucks this year. There is no argument that you can make that will change my opinion. The 16 best teams in the country were only able to produce 1 good game out of 12. That blows. And don't even get me started about how poor this year's Final Four teams are. Well, considering that it takes place in Detroit, it makes sense that we get to see 3 hateable teams battling it out to cut the nets down. But we'll talk about that more later because I want to discuss more than just college basketball's shittiness today.

College Hockey
-Now I realize that this is sort of a niche sport and will never captivate the country. But, dammit, the playoffs every season are exciting and this year is no different. I found myself (and my roommates against their will) watching a lot of this on ESPNU over the weekend. I watched two games that had goals scored with under 5 seconds left to send the games to overtime. Not once, but TWICE did this happen. Amazing. And probably the most amazing thing of all...my beloved Miami RedHawks are heading to their first ever Frozen Four!!! In sort of a rebuilding year, we managed to win our pod and now head to DC for a one in four shot at a national championship!!! I watched the clincher at The Stube on Saturday and when the clock hit zero, I was celebrating like some sort of rabid pedophile at a Chuck E. Cheese. I can't wait to watch the RedHawks next weekend.

Golf
-Admit it, even if you don't care for golf, you are somewhat interested in Tiger Woods. And hell yeah, the pimp is back. I've missed the clutch putt followed by the huge fist pumps followed by the awkward embrace with his asshole caddy. I'm glad he's back and I can't wait to watch him win The Masters by 3 strokes in 2 weeks.

High School Basketball
-I had not attended the Ohio state basketball tournament in a long ass time. A group of us decided to change that this weekend since Tinora (about ten miles away from where we grew up) were playing for the state title. Oh, apparently She$ used to babysit for a few of the kids which should make her feel incredibly old. As for me, I didn't feel old, I just felt like I was lucky that my Megan's Law violation was ignored upon my entrance into The Schott. All in all, a pretty good time. Tinora lost to Cleveland Central Catholic which has to be the first time ever that a group of inner-city kids were able to beat some farm boys in hoops. I guess there is a first time for everything. Remember the name of CCC's Anton Grady. Dude is a 6'8" sophomore who looks like he is going to be a baller. And Tinora pulled off a feat that I had not seen since my 7th grade basketball playing days...being shutout in the first quarter!!!

Baseball Injuries
-Dontrelle Willis went on the DL yesterday with an anxiety disorder. Seriously. Oh, but don't worry, he said that he's not depressed. The Tigers are off to a great start. I don't know what's more impressive: crazy pitchers, having no closer, or the fact that season tickets are down 44% this year and somehow you have to pay that 125 million payroll. The fire sale is coming and it ain't waiting until the end of July.

College Basketball
-Thursday gave us the Pitt/Xavier game and that was fine, but the other 3 games blew. Friday gave us 4 shitty games. The Pitt/Nova game was a classic in every sense but I'm also wondering if we are thinking of this as high because the entire tournament has been a turd. And both Sunday games sucked. Can you remember when the NCAA Tournament was this crappy? 90% of the games are blowouts and the teams that keep winning aren't fun to watch! No one outside of Connecticut or Michigan is remotely interested in that UConn/Sparty game. It's Suton! It's Thabeet! It's Calhoun's phone bill! It's next! The Carolina/Nova game could be good but I wouldn't count it. Oh man, if Villanova doesn't win on Saturday, I might not even watch the title game. By the way, let's finally all band together and come to the same conclusion that Tyler Hansbrough is not even the second most valuable player on his own team. Ty Lawson has proven that he is THE GUY on that team that makes them go. He's played himself into the Lottery over the past 3 games. And Danny Green is a better player than Beaker, too. Did you see what Snake Griffin did to him? Sure, the rest of the Sooners couldn't have won the Ohio high school state tournament, but Griffin made Hansbrough his bitch. How about that dunk attempt in which Tyler was 4 feet away from the rim, realized that it was not physically possible to even touch the rim, so he threw the ball off the backboard at about 120 mph!!! What a terrible player.

One more time, this NCAA Tournament is horseshit. But if one good thing came out of this, it's that commenter Dut went from being a lock to win The Money Shot's bracket challenge, to being eliminated. It looks like it's down to Paul, Fruth, Lange, or Rex to take the title. Either one is fine by me. As for the rest of the week, Groom Knows Dick returns tomorrow with perhaps my most epic rant and we've got MLB previews on Thursday and Friday. Wednesday is a 7 minute video of me showering!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Slumdog Millionaire


I have not seen this year's Oscar winner for Best Picture, but I assume that it is the story of BJ Mullens' life. I mean, come on, kid grows up in a homeless shelter in a shithole town and then hits the lottery to help his family eventhough it's the worst possible move for him...pretty much sums it up, right?

So BJ Mullens (those are some scary-ass eyebrows) is the latest one-and-done from the Ohio State basketball program. He pretty much played below expectations all season long. He was passive. He had no offensive moves other than the "dunk on guys 6 inches shorter than him". He could not be trusted in the clutch. Seriously, what the fuck is he thinking?

He isn't ready for the NBA. Hell, he wasn't ready for the Big Ten. He'll be lucky to break any team's rotation in his first two seasons in the league. This move was all about greed. And that's the sad thing. He'll end up being Darko Milicic with a trash 'stache and bounce around from team to team for five years until nobody wants him around anymore. The money will always be there. How about building up a game that can actually get you that coveted second contract. The one that actually changes your life. And if his family really needs the cash, I'm fairly certain that former OSU coach, Jim O'Brien, would have no problem giving them a secret sack of money. He's done it before.

But what about next year's Buckeye team? Where do they go from here? They already have nobody coming in (but now should have a free scholarship). They have no point guard as evidenced by the Siena debacle and they have no big men. Thad Matta could honestly be the first coach to ever start 5 2 guards only because those are the only people that he can trust. Or he could just unleash Club Trillion founder and owner of the wettest jumper on the planet, Mark Titus, onto the world. That would be sick. Bone-crushing screens for everyone! Even with Evan Turner and Willie Buford likely sticking around, it could be a rough year at The Schott next season.

So, Buckeye fans, before we leave for the weekend, I want you all to close your eyes and think of your favorite memory of the BJ Mullens era in Columbus. Some that immediately come to my mind are:

-the time that he threw a dunk down on Purdue and stared down a Boilermaker eventhough they were down 20
-the time that he threw a dunk down on Illinois and stared down an Illini player eventhough they were down 20
-getting shutout against a terrible Indiana team
-scoring 2 points and fouling out in the Big Ten tourney win over Wisconsin
-getting outplayed by Ryan Rossiter in the NCAA tournament which may have been the worst performance by a 7-footer in the history of basketball

There are so many great moments that took place over the past 4 months in BJ Mullens playing career. While he is projected to go somewhere between 15-21 in the Draft, at least now his dad can upgrade from homemade gin to Pabst. And isn't that the goal of every baller? I know that it's the goal of this blogger. Have a good weekend everyone. As for me, the umpiring season starts tomorrow and then I'm heading to the aforementioned Schott to watch the Tinora Rams try and win a state title...pretty intense. Back on Monday.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

How To Induce Vomiting


Have you ever thought that eating at a certain restaurant sounded like a good idea but five minutes after you finished, you realized that that was an awful decision? It's sort of like Jim Gaffigan's bit on Hot Pockets. After devouring that shit, you never, ever mutter the phrase, "I'm glad I ate that". Today, we take a break from sports talk to discuss 5 places that serve absolutely horrendous food and most people are too stupid to notice. And I guarantee that you will all disagree with at least one of my choices.

So why this topic? Why today, you ask? Well, last week, I was in the mood for breakfast for dinner (one of the greatest inventions ever). Seeing that I am still rocking it when it comes to being a vegetarian (16 more days!), pancakes or some other reasonable facsimile seemed like a good idea. She$ and I went to Bob Evans and the stuffed french toast or whatever the fuck they are called looked mighty tasty. I could not have been more disappointed. They appeared to be smeared with gallons of horse cum and tasted even worse. Bob Evans is usually a halfway decent meal, but they really shit the bed last week. Needless to say, they fell just one spot short of making this list. I'm not willing to write them off entirely, but it's time to step up, Bob.

5. Hooters - Tits, short shorts, and fake flirting can only take you so far. Eventually, you have to actually, you know, make a wing that's edible. And by the way, caked in grease and with an inch of skin is not a good recipe. Take it easy on the deep fryer and actually work on some tasty sauces. Have you ever had their fries? The main ingredient is salt and that is including the potato. If you can't do wings and fries right, your waitresses should just walk around topless and offer BJ's instead of wetnaps. Hmmmm, sounds like an idea for a chain of Money Shot-related restaurants/whorehouses.

4. Applebee's - This really shouldn't even be mentioned because everyone hates Applebee's. But that being said, I end up at one about once per year and it always sucks. Over the past year or two, I've turned into a big ribs guy. I love them. Best food ever. As Chappelle's Show taught us, they give you that "itis". Have you ever had the "riblets" at Applebee's? Dear God are they shitty. In fact, whenever I want ribs, I won't go to a restaurant that is within a square mile of the riblets. The only good thing about Applebee's is leaving.

3. Ruby Tuesday - She$ and I have a running joke about this dump in which we always complain about the place, but for some strange reason, we end up going back. It really speaks to how awful a restaurant is when the big draw for me is the fucking salad bar. Seriously. I would rather get the salad bar then order an entree. Everything there tastes weird. It's like they mis-spice everything on the menu. Cinnamon on steak? Fuck yeah! Do you know what would make this spinach and artichoke dip better? Peanut butter!

2. Donato's Pizza - I don't understand how people can like this shit. The crust sucks. It costs twice as much as it should. Eat one slice and you are thirsty for two weeks straight. It's like eating sand off of a layer of cardboard. I would rather get a $5 pie from Domino's or Little Caesar's than the same pie from Donato's that costs $18. It's absurd. Do they not see what their competitors are charging? Now I will give them credit, the Founder's Favorite is the best pizza in the world (sausage, ham, banana peppers) that doesn't involve sauerkraut, but it costs all of King Midas's silver (White Goodman reference!). I loathe Donato's.

1. Chipotle - I just don't get it. This place is fucking awful. But people love it for reasons that I can't comprehend. What do you think of when you think of a burrito? If you are sane, probably just some type of meat, cheese, and veggies. Chipotle wants you to believe that STICKY RICE is a fucking ingredient! The most important ingredient! What the fuck? Who puts a staple of Chinese food into Mexican cuisine? It's bizarre. And I know, you don't HAVE to get the white rice in it, but you have to specially ask them not to put it in there. Half the God damn burrito is filled with tasteless rice! They cut corners, man, and I don't like it. 50% rice, 30% lettuce, 5% meat, and 15% feces! I don't care, I'll say it: Taco Bell is better. There. It's out there. And I know that one of my readers actually has stock in this pile of shit restaurant. It's a terrible place that brainwashes people into believing that white rice and barbacoa are brother and sister. Fuck Chipotle. And fuck everyone that enjoys it's raw sewage taste.

Man, all this talk about crappy Mexican food makes me want to get some cheesy fiesta potatoes. Why can't every place just make the greatest dish ever...the KFC mashed potato bowl. It is the greatest concoction ever invented. I wish that I could use it as soap. I've been sitting on this post for a long time and finally, yesterday, the whore that sits next to me was talking about how great Chipotle was and it finally set me off. So here you go. 5 restaurants that are worse than White Castle. Mmmm sliders...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

He's Just Saying What We're All Thinking


"I would be pissed if I got my ass shipped to Cleveland."--Chris Cooley, 3/18/2009

In case you aren't as internet saavy as I am, there is a little war brewing on the blogosphere between Redskins TE Chris Cooley and the demented and ignorant Cleveland Browns fanbase. Allow me to explain how this all started:

Last week, on Cooley's blog (which is fantastic), he mentioned that his name had surfaced in recent trade talks. He had heard that, in a 3 team deal, the Broncos would get Brady Quinn and the Rainbow Coalition, the Redskins would get Jay "The Pussy" Cuntler and Tony Scheffler, and he and Jason Campbell would be sent to Cleveland. First of all, Denver would be getting raped on this trade so it would never happen. Second, as much as I love Cooley and J-Camp, this would be a GREAT deal for the Skins meaning that Snyder would never do it because it's his goal to sabotage the organization through his own retardation. But that isn't the point really. Much like Ichiro, Cooley appears to have besmirched the mistake by the lake.

Anyway, so Cooley posts that quote and, of course, Browns fans get upset. They flood his comments section with a ton of vitriolic messages that feature more grammatical errors than JBeanie's formerly updated blog crossed with Clark Kellogg commentating a game of hoops. And he did what all great men do when presented with a situation like this...not apologize. He simply used his superior intellect and impeccable rationale to make the Browns fans realize how stupid that they are. I love it. Go ahead, check out the posts on his site. "Dennis" comes off like a pussy ass bitch.

What's the big deal anyway? The guy has a forum to speak his mind daily. There are weak rumors that he could be uprooting his life. He's honest about, he doesn't want to leave. The Browns are a loser organization with no direction, no stability, and no clue. There is no hope (unless you were once a backup for the Jets). No matter how proud of a Browns fan that you are, you can see his point, can't you? For God's sake, you hire a puppet GM and a coach that was deemed in a player's poll to be the man you would least want to play for. What do you expect? You throw all of this shit together and you wonder why no one good wants to wear the orange and brown.

Why would anyone want to play in Cleveland right now? I don't even think "a chance to start" is a viable reason anymore. If you ever wanted to see the football equivalent of the Major League Indians spring training roster, you may have it in The Dawg Pound this Fall. Most of these guys never had a prime. This guy's dead! Ironically, Man-genius invited Marquise Cooper to camp, too.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Rest In Peace, Asshole


It's like Christmas fucking morning for me today. For one of my mortal enemies has left the public spotlight. The air smells sweeter today. Food tastes better. The sun is out. Birds are chirping. And it's all because of of one monumental event...Curt Schilling is FINALLY gone! Now he can spend his days writing on his shitty blog (look who's talking) or wearing homoerotic Hawaiian shirts just like the big, fat party animal that he is.

I've said it here countless times and, for the last time, I'll say it again: Curt Schilling is BY FAR my least favorite "athlete" of all time. I put athlete in quotes since he had a penchant for showing up at Spring Training tipping the scales at 600 lbs. He played for the Red Sox. He is a conservative asshole. He assumes that everyone should care about his opinion. He's a dickhead. He fucks poodles. He's everything that you would hate in a human being. Oh yeah, and he painted his sock to make his pussy look hardcore back in the series which will remain nameless.

I've never been to his site, and never will out of spite, but I was able to lift a segment of his "retirement blog" from another site (I will interject when need be):

The game always gave me far more than I ever gave it. (Considering that he gave baseball nothing, that seems like an accurate statement) All of those things, every single one of those memories is enveloped with fan sights and sounds for me. (How could he ever forget being told to go fuck himself by 99% of America) Without the fans they would still be great memories, but none would be enduring and unforgettable because they infused the energy, rage, passion and ‘feel’ of all of those times (blah, blah, blah I love George Bush, someone get me a wheel of cheese, and I would really like to skull-fuck the decapitated head of Ted Williams)…I did everything I could to win every time I was handed the ball. (It's too damn bad that your competitive spirit won't get you into the hall of fame...and I believe that he was handling balls more than once every 5 days coughKevinMillarcough)

I am and always will be more grateful than any of you could ever possibly know. (I know one thing, you are a sack of Andre The Giant's shit and I am grateful that you kept up with the lie that you painted your sock. Fucking bitch.)

Goodbye, Curt. May you enjoy the rest of your life licking crumbs out of Randy Johnson's mustache and growing one of the most fantastic FUPA's this side of Charlie Weis. I wish nothing but the worst for you. Enjoy Hell you rat bastard. And to my readers, enjoy the "action" photos of Schilling looking gay/athletic.


Defining Inspiration


Tim Tebow's legendary "Promise" speech has officially morphed into the Gators' slogan. For Florida has now immortalized those tear-soaked words outside the front entrance to the new football facility at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.

Don't get me wrong, I love Tim Tebow. My Tebowner will never be as huge as Thom Brenneman's, but I love the kid. And yet this seems like a bit much to me. Go ahead, read it. I can wait. The first paragraph reads like a fucking suicide note penned by some gothic 15 year old queermo.

But it's the last paragraph that gets me. It inspires me to be all the blogger that I can be on a daily basis. In fact, I'm taping that fucking quote up next to my computer at work and at home. And that "God Bless" closer...almost made me bust a nut.

I feel like running through a brick wall right now...or sucker-punching some guy that is much bigger than me and then running away...or taking a 3 hour nap. Tim Tebow, you are one excellent motivator. I think I'm going to cry.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Smarch Madness


Lousy Smarch weather... Oh. Hello. Didn't see you there. And why should I have? I'm better than you. In case you might have forgotten, this blog does still update daily now that our little mini-vacation of nothingness is over. You may have heard about this little thing called the World Baseball Classic? And I want to talk about it today. That is what an idiot might say. Let's talk college hoops, shall we? I've been concentrating all of my energy on CBS over the past 4 days and it's high time that I unleash my sexy thoughts. A few things before we tip off:

-That Callahan kid better start showing up to class soon otherwise some pedophile is going to snatch him up. And that commercial has been played so often that I hope that the kid's innocence gets stolen.
-Hey, old lady, Enterprise Rent-A-Car is not expensive. And your son is gay. Moooooooom!
-Harper's Island appears to be the worst show ever.
-The HBO documentary on UNC/Duke is pretty amazing. I recommend it only to hear Jay Bilas say that Matt Doherty pulled a shot out of his ass.

THURSDAY!
-Ah yes, one of those days that describes perfectly why people around the world hate Americans. I did not leave the recliner, shower, or change out of my sweatpants. And I took a nap. Glorious.
-Roburt Sallie sure has made a name for himself, no? 10 fucking three's against CS-Northridge and the ONLY reason why the Tigers are still dancing.
-For as bad a coach as Mark Turgeon is, A&M fucking owns BYU.
-Dear Maryland and Cal, thanks for making me take a nap.
-Time Warner used to give us all 4 games at once but apparently that has stopped this year. Fuck them. Worst cable company ever. And I've never understood why we can't ever watch the 5 pm West region game. I don't give a shit about the local news.
-Michigan/Clemson was by far the worst game of the tournament. Those teams were terrible. I've never seen so many airballs/shots that hit glass only than in this game. The Oglesby fuck deserved to get the boot. Note to everyone: NEVER HAVE FAITH IN OLIVER PURNELL. The guy is awful. I really want to kill Zach Novak but then again, I've always hated people with Down's Syndrome.
-Did you see the Zags in the second half against Akron? That team is for real and poised for a deep run. They have zero weaknesses.
-UCLA/VCU was ok and Eric Maynor can play in the Association but in the end, the Bruins aren't the kind of team that gets beaten by an inferior foe.
-Illinois sucks. Readers, you need to realize this next year, NEVER bank on teams coached by morons (see: Illinois, Clemson, and Wake Forest).

FRIDAY!
-Buke, Damman, Swi-Daddy, and myself decided to make the 30 mile drive to Catalfino's to watch the first games. 97.1 FM The Fan was having a live remote out there so we got to witness The Common Man and The Torg (pictured with Tera Patrick!) in action. Torg kept making eye contact with me and it was awkward. I'm fairly certain that he took a shit after the show was over. Awesome. Greatest idea I've ever had (until I wear down She$ and she agrees that a nacho cheese fountain would be an excellent addition to our wedding reception/bedroom/vehicles).
-Excellent 8/9 game with OSU/Tennessee going down to the wire. As much I love Bruce Pearl, I was rooting against his team. That is how much I hate JP Prince.
-Damn, my two big upsets that I picked in EVERY bracket were Utah State over Marquette and North Dakota State. So close. Bison fever is apparently a disease that causes people to make bad bracket choices. Who knew? And I miss the days in which Bill Self's team would lose in the first round every year. I want those days back.
-Uh oh, Pitt looks ripe for the upset...again. What is it with these guys? They look great during the regular season but when the lights come on, they fold. I feel bad for those that picked them to win it all. On second thought, no I don't.
-Fuck you, Bob Huggins. Fuck you in your smelly goat ass. There goes an Elite 8 team of mine. Thank you, Gus Johnson, for telling everyone that Dayton's Charles Little's nickname is "Dinosaur Head". Just like Napoleon High School's very own, Jermaine Brooks! Gave me a good chuckle. And for as great as Gus is, Len Elmore is fucking terrible.
-Utah, Boston College, and Wake Forest are all horrendous. Oh, you can add Al Skinner to the list of coaches that you should always pick against. Call them the "anti-Bo Ryan's".
-And then there was Ohio State. Sigh. What do you say about an epic choke job? Thad Matta is a great recruiter but a very average game coach. They had that game. How do you not figure out that press? Why is BJ Mullens not getting touches? Why are you giving up a double/double to a guy that looks like he played for Hickory High? The better team didn't win but the better coach did. And why is it that Evan Turnover is now allowed to take three steps every time he drives to the hoop? And how bad of a job did CBS do switching between this game and the Wisconsin game? However you want to slice it, and I'm sure OSU fans will storm the comments making excuses, the Buckeyes are going home! Way to lose a home game to a mid-major! Way to get outrebounded by 1000 when you have the two biggest players in the game! Losers. Stupid losers.

SATURDAY!
-Bye, bye UCLA, A&M, and Maryland, we hardly knew ye. And Greivis Vasquez, you should probably shut your fucking mouth before slandering a team that is MUCH better than yours. For the record, Memphis would have finished either first or second in the ACC this year. There, I said it.
-I love Purdue. Great game against Warrrrshington. It can't be easy to play a road game in an arena filled with Huskies fans.
-Ty Lawson is back. Did anyone think that he wasn't go to play? Pssst, UNC is going to lose their next game.
-So long, Michigan. I didn't think that you had an answer for Snake Griffin and you didn't. You didn't belong in the tourney this year but Beilein is building something. Just imagine what he could do with OSU's players. Wow. If you take Beilein's schemes with Matta's recruiting you get the next fucking John Wooden.
-Listened to the late games on the way back from Cincy...sounded great. Although PJ Carlesimo sounded like he good use another choking.
-Fuck you, Argosy Casino. Why yes, I would love to get 14's and 15's against a 7 or better on every blackjack hand! I had to set some sort of record for futility. I was like the Oliver Purnell of blackjack.
-I went 8-0 on my bracket on Saturday. Eight and fucking o.

SUNDAY!
-I love James Harden, but he was fucking terrible in both games. He played like a puss. And how stupid was Herb Sendek for leaving their center in the game with 4 fouls and 10 minutes left? Of course he was going to foul out! Have you ever talked to a big guy? They are ALL idiots! Syracuse is looking scary. By the way, how awesome is the Memphis regional of Gonzaga/UNC and Cuse/Sooners? That is tits-tastic.
-As Patches O'Houlihan once said, "watching Xavier and Wisconsin play was like watching a retard trying to hump a doorknob". How can anyone like that Bohannon guy?
-Pitt still looks shaky. DeJuan Blair is a man-child but, as I said earlier, I don't trust them.
-Hey Ohio State fan, did you see what Louisville did to Siena yesterday? They actually closed the game out against a pesky team. I hope you all took notes.
-USC/Michigan State was surprisingly entertaining. Mr. Ace, remember two weeks ago when you ripped me for saying that USC would be better this year without Mayo? Yeah, suck on that one. When is Izzo shaving his head like he promised anyway?
-Goodbye, Cleveland State and Dayton...the state of Ohio took it on the chin. So long, Dinosaur Head.
-Whew, I'm glad that Missourah held on. Mike Anderson is like the Mike Tomlin of college hoops...just one chill motherfucker.

OK, time to take a college hoops break for the next 3 days. I need it. I'm exhausted. And I typed waaaaaaay too much today.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: Gifts


Legendary blogger, Drew Magary, has a blog called "Father Knows Shit". It's pretty much a diary of all the weird and stupid shit that goes on over the course of fatherhood. So I'm sitting around the other day thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, She-Money keeps dropping all of these monster bills my way, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing." Whenever I see fit, I'm going to do a post about some horrible aspect of the wedding planning process. If you guys take one piece of advice from me, let it be this:

There is nothing wrong with getting married. There is everything wrong with planning a wedding. Everything about it sucks and it is ripe to be blogged/bitched about. I've already ranted and raved about flowers and the DJ, but today I need your help. Up next on "Groom Knows Dick": Gifts.

It's been awhile since I've done one of these. While we've been away, we're starting to look at potential houses (which is actually fun), finally booked a DJ (who is probably going to be an asshole), and yesterday I actually got off of my ass and reserved a limo/party bus. Seriously, I waited at least 6 weeks to nail something down. It was quite an epic display of wasting time. She-Money wanted a trolley. It took every ounce of energy inside of me not to roll my eyes back into my head like The Undertaker at that request. Fortunately, the trolley racket costs more than what the Steinbrenners spent on new Yankee Stadium so it was easy to turn away from that option.

Anyway, and to the point of today's post, I need some help from some of you. Now, "gifts" isn't what you think. We've already started our registry which will result in G$ having one of the baddest ass kitchens of all time. The rest of the house? Probably a piece of shit but that kitchen is going to be magnificent. So I don't need help with that.

What I do need assistance with, and what my next "project" is, is coming up with an idea for gifts for my groomsmen. Most of them read this site, but I don't care. Surprise presents are for little kids, gay men, and douchebags. I want to do something that is practical yet not cliche. I've been in 3 weddings myself. I've received a flask, a money clip, and a stein. I use all 3 still to this day but my goal is to go a different route. The problem with this plan is that I am comprised entirely of a righteous combination of half uncreative and half lazy. I'm a real dual threat.

I've had a few ideas pop into my head. Thai hookers for my boys? Nah, I'd be required to teach all of them how to avoid getting blood on your clothes and proper disposal of a gutted whore's body. A subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club? No, that's unoriginal (thanks a lot, Cousin Eddie). Cleveland Browns season tickets? Ha, watching a 4 win team try to fuck a football might be the worst gift ever. Those erotic dots in the picture? Hell no, who the hell finds "stick tits" hot?

So what do I do? You all HAVE to have at least some sort of insight on this topic. I'm just brainstorming here and I need some help. For fuck's sake, I am almost completely DONE with my "list of shit that I have to accomplish before August 1st's day of infamy". Helping me with this will surely earn you a spot in Dut's butthole. It's on you guys to help me out here. I give you guys 4-5 minutes of crude humor per day and all I ask for in return is a little assistance. Oh, and if you are one of my groomsmen, are reading this post, and don't know what you are getting us for our wedding...it's a big-ass TV. And if I don't get one, you will see a side of me that only the aforementioned Thai hookers have seen before.

Alright, that's it for me this week. I'm off the next two days (first day off since Thanksgiving...what the fuck?). But don't forget to check back tomorrow. I PROMISE that you will like the re-post of a classic Money Shot piece. Enjoy the tourney, I'll see you all on Monday.

It Goes Through The Q


You never want to jinx it, but I'm doing it anyway. Eventhough Wally Szczerbiak could have potentially blown out his knee last night and the pessimistic Cleveland fans will hate me for saying this, but I don't care. I'm ready to call it.

The Cavaliers are getting homecourt advantage throughout the Eastern Conference playoffs. Obviously, it isn't over yet and there is still a month-plus left in the season and anything can happen, but that doesn't matter to me. I've watched enough this year and I can tell when it's over. The race for #1 is over.

There are 15 games left in the season. The Cavs play 7 of the next 8 at home. The Cavs are 30-1 at home this season. The Cavs are up 4 games in the loss column over the Celtics. It isn't hard to figure out that I'm not really making a huge leap of faith here. And using all of these delicious facts, and I said this a few weeks ago, the Cavaliers will roll through the East. They aren't losing at home. Period. Oh yeah, and they have a certain best athlete in the world (that's right) who has refused to let his team lose all season.

Now it all boils down to outplaying the Lakers over the next month and getting homecourt for the entire postseason. If they can accomplish that, get ready to finally be a winner, Cleveland fans.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

You've Got To Be Kidding Me


Why would you ever agree to be photographed making out with yourself? This guy might just be retarded.

Amateur Hour in Oxford


Eventhough it's March, I have a little college football-based rant that I need to get off of my chest. And by "little", I mean bitching about my alma mater which has won 10 games in the past 3 seasons.

Look, I'm not stupid. Being a diehard fan of a non-BCS conference team (which most people find pointless and it's hard to argue against that), I've learned to taper my expectations. While other programs in the midwest have goals of national titles each and every season, I have to be a bit more realistic when it comes to my RedHawks. All that I ask is that they contend for the MAC title, make a bowl game, and generally just be competitive. And the latter is easier said than done. Miami has made it a habit to over-schedule in the out of conference portion of the season. They will play anywhere between 3 and 4 BCS schools before conference play.

Let's take a look at the 2009 OOC schedule for my RedHawks (as of January 1st) and notice how awesome/amazingly difficult that it is.
September 5 - at Northwestern
September 12 - COLORADO
September 26 - at Boise State
October 3 - CINCINNATI

Wow. Amazing. You could combine every OOC in the SEC and this would be better than that. 3 BCS teams and the best mid-major program of the past decade all in 5 weeks. Considering that somehow we managed to get a program like Colorado to COME TO OXFORD and our annual rivalry game (which we no longer can even compete in) with Big East champion, UC, you've got to be impressed.

But, we totally fucked it up. And it's all our own fault. I don't know if it's our AD's fault or new coach, Mike Haywood's, but the way that Miami handled this is completely fucked. Gone are the @NW and HOME GAME AGAINST A BIG 12 TEAM and in their place is a "home" game against Kentucky at Paul Brown Stadium in Cincy and an opponent yet to be named which will probably some shitty FCS team. Bravo. Way to replace the one thing that the fans can get excited about during this upcomg rebuilding year and give us a shit sandwich instead.

The biggest joke of all is that we haven't officially notified either team that we are dumping them and they are sitting there with their dicks in their hands waiting on us to give them the word so then they can complete their own OOC schedules. Us, a 2-10 MAC school, are big-timing programs that were generous enough to give us fucking home-and-home series. The best part of all, our broke ass athletic department has to pay a VERY large buyout to Colorado for dumping them EVENTHOUGH THEY WERE WILLING TO COME TO SOUTHWEST OHIO!!!

This just pisses me off so much. It reminds me of those shitty Hertz commercials with Chris Farley's extremely untalented brother: WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE??? Exactly. Who the fuck do we think we are? After an episode like this, why would any BCS-level football program be willing to give Miami a 1-and-1 or even a 2-and-1. We don't honor our contracts and now have a history of weaseling out of them.

The best part about all of this: the notion that even if we catch all the breaks this year, the RedHawks are a 6-6 team. Oh well, at least all of our alumni in Cincinnati that are too lazy to drive 30 miles north on a Saturday afternoon for a home game can sit in Paul Brown stadium and act like they care for 3 hours. Ugh, this is such bush league shit. At least Miami's synchronized skating team just won the national championship! Suck on that one, cunts!

UPDATE! Contracts haven't been signed yet but it appears the Colorado football team will play at Toledo on Sept. 11 (a Friday night) on ESPN next fall instead of playing at Miami (Ohio) as originally planned. It is unclear whether Miami will pay CU the $750,000- cancellation fee required in the game contract signed by the two institutions in 2006, or if the Mid American Conference lining up another opponent will be good enough for CU officials. I know where Mr. Ace will be on 9/11.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Bracket Bastards


I'm sitting here, on Sunday night, trying to digest all of the hoops that I watched this weekend and cross-referencing that knowledge with the revealing of the bracket. I just listened to Jay Bilas and Dickie V scream at each other over teams #65 and 66. It was hilarious. Vitale, for some reason, just admitted that because Bilas went to Duke, Jay was much smarter than him. Awesome. I don't like Jay's schtick either because he supports the 8th place team in power conferences over the little guy. He's an elitist asshole but that makes sense considering that he went to Duke. I managed to come up with 5 big gripes about this year's tournament selection process:

Louisville got fucked
-How can the #1 overall seed get sodomized? Sure, they play within 3 hours of their campus (Dayton), but look what could potentially happen in round two. If Ohio State defeats a veteran Siena team (I don't think that they will), the Cards will face in 8 seed in their home state an hour away from their campus. How is that fucking fair at all? Why is a god damn 8 seed getting a favorable location? I always thought that if you were an 8 seed, you were a pretty bad team that was one seed fodder. I guess now it means that you get to play the first and second round of the tournament at home in an arena that will be 75% in your favor. That is absolutely absurd. If the NCAA truly believes that the Cards are the #1 overall seed, then they shouldn't have to play a road game in the tournament. This has nothing to do with my hatred of Ohio State. Even Buckeyes fans need to come clean and admit that, yes, this is quite ridiculous.

St. Mary's got fucked
-Arizona did not belong in. Period. You lose 13 games, finish 9-9 in a weak conference, and lose 5 of your final 6 games, you do not belong with the big boys. I am completely agreeing with Vitale on this one. When Patty Mills was healthy, the Gaels lost 2 games. He is healthy now. They should be there. The sad thing is that Arizona is going to win in round one because there is no excuse for Utah being a 5 seed and then the NCAA will feel vindicated. The moral of the story is that Arizona did not belong. And neither did Wisconsin. And neither did Michigan. November was a long ass time ago, the Wolverines don't belong either.

Memphis got fucked
-It doesn't really matter all that much, but I'm getting sick and tired of the Tigers not getting the credit that they deserve. They should have been a one seed. They will prove that by going back to the Final Four, too. No team in the country plays better defense and I think that UConn is shell-shocked still from the Big East tourney and will get upset early.

Purdue got fucked
-Let's see, you win the Big Ten tournament and that conference is apparently the #1 league in college hoops. Your reward is a 5 seed and a trip out to Portland, Oregon where a win gets you a road game with Washington. I don't get this. The Boilers are peaking at the right time and somehow get seeded lower than a shitty Xavier team? They are on the same seeding line as Utah, Illinois, and Florida State? That doesn't add up to me. Hell, the team that they beat yesterday gets a god damn home game (maybe two) yet Purdue has to travel across the country to play in the Huskies backyard. That is a complete fist-fucking. Gene Keady should be throwing molatov cocktails through the NCAA selection committee's windows.

Butler got fucked
-It seems like every year the Bulldogs get shortchanged when it comes to seeding. They were a top 25 team for a large chunk of the season yet get a 9 seed, face an LSU team that won the SEC, and even if they win, get to be North Carolina's sacrificial lamb. Personally, I would have had them as a 7. They are better than Cal and BC but probably not as good as Texas and Clemson. Brad "Mr. 12 Pack" Stevens should be infuriated.

All in all, I thought that the seeding committee did a pretty good job. There are some flaws like a mediocre 8 seed playing at home, but everything looks good to me. For the record, I like Syracuse to make the Final Four as my bold pick and North Dakota State to beat Kansas as my upset.

As for the blog's schedule this week, I took Thursday and Friday off from work so don't expect much past Wednesday other than a re-post of my best post ever (even Mr. Ace might like it!). And remember, SIGN UP FOR MONEY SHOT MADNESS OVER AT YAHOO AND TAKE HOME A MONEY SHOT PRIZE PACK!!! We've got 22 people in now and I would like to get it up to at least 40. Tell your friends! Tell the 12 year old that you are touching inappropriately! Tell the idiots that let Thad Matta coach his 8 seed team in his own state! I will not get over that ever.

Walking In Fallujah


So on Saturday night, G$ met up with some friends at The Big Bang downtown. It's a new dueling pianos bar that is right across the street from Nationwide Arena. It is fucking awesome. Damman and I have been to the same bar when we were in Nashville last year and the Ohio version is just as sweet (eventhough it is smaller). Look, I'm too old to go to popped-collar bars and sitting around listening to music that makes my brain bleed (rap). This sort of atmosphere is more up my alley.

Live music of songs that I know and all by request of the other bar patrons...hells yes. I know that many of my readers are cynical and look for any moment to call me a fag, but I don't care because a dueling pianos bar is the tits.

Anyway, the night is winding down and they are only going to play a few more songs before kicking everyone out for the night. For some strange reason, the more beer that I drank, the more that I wanted to hear Walking In Memphis. While I do enjoy the genius of Marc Cohn, I do not really know why I was so hung up on hearing that song played. Maybe I was pumped after watching the Tigers win the C-USA title?

I'm explaining my burning desire for this tune to my buddy who served two tours over in Iraq (we'll call him "Z" because that's what he goes by anyway). He had listened to me whine about this for close to 3 hours. Z decided to take matters into his own hands.

Z: Do you really want to hear Walking In Memphis?
G$: Fuck yeah.
Z: Alright, I'll take care of it.
G$: What the fuck could you possibly do to get these guys to play it?
Z: I've got my ways. I'll tell them that I just got back from Iraq. It works every time.
G$: Wait, wait, wait. You are going to tell this guy that you just got back from Iraq, which you've been back from for around 3 years now, and that it would mean everything to you if they played some Marc Cohn.
Z: Pretty much, yeah.

10 seconds later, I was putting on my blue suede shoes and boarding a plane. It was amazing how effective the "tour of duty" card can be. But usually it's used in cases of getting laid, getting some free drinks, or perhaps getting off on a speeding ticket. You never hear about America's heroes using their enlistment to help their loser friend hear a song that was barely popular. Bizarre.

Now I may be too old, lazy, and fat to set foot in the Middle East, but I will always be able to touch down in the land of the delta blues in the middle of the pouring rain. Ha. However you feel about this pointless post, I totally recommend The Big Bang if you are ever out boozing in Columbus.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Billy Packer = Nutjob



So Billy Packer, Eric Cartman: Psychic Detective, and Judge Lance Ito walk into a bar...

You would think that that is the start to some shitty joke. Fortunately, you would be wrong. It's March Madness time! While we all love it, Billy Packer has tried to ruin that love every year. If you have not heard, he is done with CBS. He's got some show on FSN now with Bob Knight (I GUARANTEE that it sucks) and he is as just as crazy as ever. I found this over at a site that you should all check daily, Awful Announcing. Packer, who freely admits that he doesn't own a computer, was on with the Best Damn Podcast (I have no idea what that is) and he was spewing hot, molten crazy all over the place. See for yourself:

Best Damn Podcast: "At the bottom of the page it has these random facts, the golf courses in reverse is one of them and then another one, it says you hired a psychic to find the murder weapon in the OJ Murder case."

Billy Packer: "That is correct....John Monte.

BDP: "And whatever happened?"

BP: "He found the weapons. And we uh...he claimed he found them. And so uh, we basically went to the LA Police Department, said John knows where the weapons are, and at that point this is about a week after the murders. And so, at that point the Police Department said, we can't take the chance that if he starts digging stuff up, that the press heard about this we'd be in serious trouble. So we had to put it on hold. But it was a great experience."


Wait a minute. Billy Packer tried to solve the OJ case!!! You can not make this kind of insane shit up. He hired some weirdo to visualize where the murder weapon might be, apparently figured out where the knife was, and did what any American would do and let a murder go unsolved! U-S-A!!! This is so bizarre that I can barely believe it. But then again, I've listened to this crusty curmudgeon every March since I was born and it doesn't surprise me one bit. In fact, after his stint on the podcast, Packer actually came up to me, your weird uncle G$, to clarify his stance on letting the killer of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown go free...

Packer: "No TV and no beer make Billy something something..."
G$: "Go crazy?"
Packer: "DON'T MIND IF I DO!!!"

Then he spent the next five minutes chasing me around with an ax and screaming at the top of his lungs. Thankfully, expert psychic detective, John Monte, showed up to calm him down. Yeah, apparently he visualized where Jon-Benet Ramsey's body was and they were off to find it. Whoops, looks like I'll have visitors tonight in my basement.

What a great way to end the week. Anytime that you can combine Billy Packer, the OJ trial, and Jon-Benet in a story, you know that you've reached the big time. Have a good weekend, everyone.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

A Recap Of My Primer


I apologize for this sort of 3/4-assed post. I had a fantasy baseball draft and when you couple that with the new South Park, Damages, and Throwdown With Bobby Flay, I was a little short on time last night. Every once in awhile, I like to pat myself on the back for a job very well done (just like Barry Horowitz!). On November 13th, I unleashed my college hoops primer into the blogosphere and I think that now is as good a time as ever to analyze my thoughts from 4 months ago. Shall we:

My Preseason Top 5:
5. Michigan State
4. UConn
3. UCLA
2. Louisville
1. North Carolina
-Not bad at all. 4 of those teams are currently in the top 7-8 depending on the poll that you look at. UCLA's freshmen didn't quite perform to their potential and I probably should have given Pitt more love. But all in all, I'm giving myself a hearty +4 for those picks.

Most Overrated: #14 Tennessee
Ding, motha-fuckin' ding. Right on. They are in, but as a 9-10 seed and will not survive the first weekend. Just as this genius predicted.

Most Underrated: #23 Villanova
Right again, bitch! I love this team. They don't have enough to make a deep run, but as I said in November, they will be a bitch to eliminate. Kind of like Marquette had Dominic James not gotten hurt.

This Year's Davidson: St. Mary's
Damn. Had Patty Mills not busted up his shit, this would have been a great pick. If they get in, I think that they can advance. But it appears that the Gaels will be on the outside looking in because shitty teams like Michigan who have 12 losses and finished .500 in their mediocre conference deserve the shot. Life is fair to the little guys. And don't give me that shit that the Big Ten is #1 in RPI. You can't possibly believe that this crap league deserves 7 teams.

First Coach Fired: Bruce Weber
I think it ended up being Dennis Felton at UGa. Oh well, Weber still sucks balls and has the voice of a 4 year old boy.

3 Bold Predictions:
Oklahoma wins the Big 12 (didn't happen and wasn't bold anyway)
USC will be better without Mayo (more wrong than light mayonaise)
Notre Dame will struggle because they shoot too many 3's (you are correct, sir!)

Naismith Winner: Stephen Curry
-He was never going to win it anyway. It's Blake Griffin's award. By the way, I found myself actually hating Curry this year. All the love that he got last year (which was well-deserved) continued on throughout this season when it was not warranted. Sure, he scored a lot. But he wasn't the same player this season. And I thought this before the injury, too. I just didn't like what I saw when I watched Davidson. But I'll bet anything that the NIT is pumped to get them.

Final Four: Oklahoma, UCLA, Louisville, Purdue
-I still like OU and the 'Ville and I'll even stick with Purdue. But I want to switch UCLA with Pitt. Last year, we got all the 1 seeds in the Final Four...something fucked up is coming this year. Nobody chokes like Tyler Hansbrough in the NCAA tourney!
Champ: LOUISVILLE (I'm changing that to Pitt, if you can beat the RedHawks by 29, you can beat anybody!)

Not bad, right? I know my shit. There is a reason why I'm widely considered an expert at every sport...because I know more than everybody else combined. And my ego will never receive it's comeuppance. NEVER! A few more things regarding conference tourney week...

-My new pick for "this year's Davidson" is North Dakota State. Ben Woodside...remember that name.
-How can I like Pitt when they have a 300 pound PG? The last time that an anomaly like this happened, Khalid El-Amin's UConn Huskies cut down the nets.
-I have a bad feeling that Syracuse is going to go far. If they would ever tighten up their zone, they would be unstoppable. It's too bad that their coach is too stupid to know that.
-Whatever you do, do NOT pick the MAC representative to win a game on your bracket. In fact, if you are a betting man, lay the points because there is no chance that that game will be close.
-Lastly, fuck Keith Dambrot, Nate "The 'Tard" Linhart, and the rest of the Akron Zips right in the ass. The RedHawks will send them packing (fudge?) tonight. I love this time of year...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Just When You Thought That Ohio Couldn't Get Any Dumber


I was listening to The Common Man and The Torg yesterday on The Fan (both of whom are now my Facebook friends!), and they were talking about this bullshit story. Apparently, in the small town of Washington Court House, about an hour south of Columbus, the citizens are a little bit pissed off at their boys basketball coach. Why? Because people from the sticks are idiots and would do the state a favor if they just moved to West Virginia. I can't find this story in print anywhere, but the gist is as followed:

During a practice, a couple of the players on the team got into it and started fighting. The coach broke it up. His punishment for the offenders was fairly simple and humiliating enough to teach them a lesson. They had to run a few laps around the gym holding hands. While not the most conventional method (I would have had them run suicides until they shit their pants), I think it teaches a valuable lesson: these are your teammates and you don't pull that shit.

But, of course, and in typical fucked-up American fashion, Mommy and Daddy are not pleased. Apparently, this sort of treatment toward Johnny Brickthree and Stevey Mikandrill is not tolerable. How dare the coach (who from what I can tell, has been VERY successful) treat their kid like that. Since when was fighting a teammate such a bad thing!

You know what the rub is here though, don't you? These hayseeds are so homophobic that they truly believe that a punishment like this could turn their kid gay. You just know it. I've been to Washington C.H. and it's as backwards as it gets. This town somehow made it out of The Ozarks. These parents don't care about the punishment, it's the fact that it could be construed as homosexual that bothers them. And fuck these people. Fuck them in the ass with an ear of corn (husk off of course). Because touching another guy's hand is foreplay. It's EVIL I tells ya!

People like to worry about the future of country only in terms of economics these days. I'm far more concerned about how the next generation of kids are such pussies that we will eventually morph into France, Jr. Seriously, we live in a day and age in which every kid has to participate, every kid gets a ribbon for participating, and we cancel all-star games because it's not fair to the shitty kids that aren't good enough to make it. It's terrifying. This whole country is turning into one giant douche (or perhaps a turd sandwich). And it's because, somehow, we've allowed the parents to have more power than the coach. That is fucked.

I'm only 28 and even I can now sit back and tell "back in my day" stories because of crap like this. Back in my day, if I fucked up in an O-Line drill, I had to go toe-to-toe in a blocking drill with a coach and, trust me, he would ALWAYS get an extra shot or two in to make his point. And that was only ten fucking years ago! Believe me, I could go on and on about how parents make me sick, but if I keep on this angry rant, I may not get my ribbon. After all, the entire culture of youth sports in this country is slowly but surely morphing into the Special Olympics. We're all winners!!! I need to start choking out parents. I really do. I urge you all to do the same. Maybe punch out a kid on a skateboard, too. God knows that they deserve it.

Record-Setting Night In Cleveland


This is Jerry Sauder. He officiates in the Mid-American Conference. He is fucking terrible. He has been ever since I've followed the conference.

Last night, Jerry's crew had the Toledo/Akron game. It featured the 7-25 Rockets blow a 12 point lead with 4 minutes to play in regulation. It featured the 7-25 Rockets blow a one point lead with 1.5 seconds remaining in overtime. It featured a lucky ass shot that helped Akron move on to face my RedHawks on Thursday night.

The record set, you ask? Mr. Clean Sauder and his two other buttfucks called a record 62 fouls in a 45 minute game. SIXTY TWO FOULS. Yes, that is a record (used to be 60) and, yes, the game took about 3 hours to complete. Both teams had 3 guys foul out. The Rockets feature only 8 kids on scholarship so you can see why this would be somewhat of an issue.

62 fucking fouls! Can you believe that? If you see Sauder officiating a game, you know damn well that something fucking retarded is going to happen and your team is getting fucked. I swear to God, the officiating in the MAC gets worse and worse every season. They would be better off just having the players call fouls like it was a god damn pick-up game. Where's Ed Hightower when you need him.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

MONEY SHOT MADNESS!!!


Even Marisa Miller (there you go, Pietsch!) knows that the NCAA Tournament tips off on Thursday afternoon. And if she didn't have a restraining order against me, she would probably take this challenge on as well.

Yep, G$ has started a bracket pool again over at Yahoo. I urge you all to join and see if you can defeat me as well as last year's champion, Wes.

The Money Shot at Yahoo!

If the link doesn't work, the group ID is 42379 and the password is "retards" (how creative). Even if you are just a casual reader who is terrified of commenting, I want YOU in. After all, the winner will earn a Money Shot Prize Pack! You heard that right...a prize pack. The winner of this epic contest will take home:

-"Men With Balls: The Professional Athlete's Handbook" written by Drew Magary (which is hilarious)
-the opportunity to write up a guest post for this site where there will be no boundaries (call me a pedophile!)
-and I'm debating other things (Sammy Sosa bobblehead doll perhaps?)

All that you have to do is enter and win. There is about a 95% chance that I will end up keeping these treasures, but that should not prevent you from taking your best shot. Finally, reading this great site can pay off for one of you. Bring it on, bitches...I'm waiting.

The Fellowship Of The Ref


Do you ever watch a college hoops game and think to yourself, "that referee does all of our games and he loves to fuck us over!" Well, the long-running joke amongst my inner-circle is that every basketball game is officiated by either Ted Hillary, Ted Valentine, or Ed Hightower (pictured watching himself on TV). And guess what? I actually did some research on this topic. And the results are shocking because, as you will see, Hightower does in fact referee every game ever played.

Before I unveil my thesis, I would like to explain the title. You see, Hightower is similar to Frodo Baggins. Except instead of taking some "magical" ring to a volcano, Ed takes his whistle to arenas around the country. It's the exact same thing! Josh and I were debating this last weekend: which hobbit was more gay, Frodo or Sam? He said Sam because of his bizarre reliance and desire to stay with Frodo. I disagree for numerous reasons: Sam gets married to the waitress at the end, Frodo is mesmerized by a piece of shitty jewelry, and Baggins was also caught blowing Gandalf (the scene was cut from the original movie). And the guy that played Rudy could never be gay. That is just absurd. The moral of the story, you ask? No one sucks more cock than Orlando Bloom.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Ed Hightower and my research project! How did I go from a Big Ten official to gay elf sex? Anyway, here is Hightower's schedule from the past 9 days:

2/28 - Ohio State @ Purdue
3/1 - Michigan State @ Illinois
3/3 - Ohio State @ Iowa
3/4 - Wisconsin @ Minnesota
3/7 - Michigan @ Minnesota
3/8 - Purdue @ Michigan State

That's 6 fairly big games in 9 days in which I'm fairly certain that he drives to each site. Amazing! The man is like a RoboRef. And if the Big Ten played a full schedule on Monday, Thursday, and Friday, I bet you anything that he would have been calling fouls on those days, too.

What was the point of this? There really wasn't one except to point out that if you think that you see the same official's name all the time, you aren't going crazy. They really do rotate about 6 guys to ref every basketball game. And if you are a glutton for punishment and plan on watching the Big Ten Tournament, expect Ed Hightower (due yourself a HUGE favor and click on that link) to officiate every game. Unless he can't take his eyes off of himself...which is entirely possible. If I'm ever on TV again, it would be the only thing that I watch. I've got a HUGE post coming in a few more hours...prepare yourself.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Ohio: The Shrunken Testicle Of It All


You don't have to look closely or be a bigot to realize that the guy in this picture is a collosal sack of shit. He may be packing the same set of abs that I do, but he's an asshole. And you know it. But I would bet everything I own that he was in Columbus this weekend.

Now, this may come as a surprise to you, but I am actually quite a tolerant person. I'm not a racist (except for the Greeks thanks to giving the world Kosta Koufos). I'm not prejudice against anyone (other than Muslims which our previous political regime taught us were all evil, bomb-carrying terrorists). I'm not even sexist (but my future wife better have fucking dinner on the table by 7 pm every fucking night). However, there is one group of soul-sucking leeches that I despise more than nude pictures of Dame Judi Dench...and this group of social misfits are known as "Meatheads".

You would think that a city chock full o' Buckeye fans would be packed to the brim when it comes to douche bag to normal people ratio. I would estimate that that equation is probably around 20:1. We smart, intelligent people are greatly outnumbered wherever we go in the state capital. It's normally easy to deal with our underdog status in central Ohio just by showcasing our superior intellect. But this weekend, there was nothing that I could do. The ratio was too much to overcome. It hit an all-time high at 400:1.

I know what you're asking, "what the fuck happened, G-Funk?" Well, the city was overrun by a triumverate of events that led to roaming bands of meathead nomads coming from all over the world to compare back acne and black eyes on their spouses. This weekend, in Columbus, we were subject to The Arnold Classic, a UFC Pay Per View at Nationwide Arena, and the state wrestling tournament. How I wasn't killed last night, I will never know because I walked right into the belly of the beast. Maybe they were too busy giving each other high fives or staring at themselves in the mirror.

The Arnold Classic - I don't know how many years in a row Schwarzenegger has been putting this body-building expo on now, but it really needs to stop. They spend the whole weekend trying out designer steroids, watching assholes flex, modeling tank tops, comparing tiny dicks, and oiling each other up. Everyone that attends this event is probably gay but masks their homoerotic tendencies by snorting Creatine. They are just one willing mouth away from turning the Classic into a full blown orgy. Only this time, they will not be doing it to keep the people from the future from taking our jobs. Oooooh, look at that guy's lats!

UFC - I don't get it. It's really popular, I guess, but it's not for me. Maybe it's because I don't want to be put in the same class distinction as UFC fans. I have no desire to get a neck tattoo of some weirdo Japanese symbol, wear a cut-off t-shirt everyday, and own a pimpin' single wide trailer. Now I'm not saying that all UFC fans are white trash, just most of them. And they are frightening as hell. They watch this stuff all the time and probably know a few ways to kill you. I watch a lot of the NBA, but I have no clue as to how I would go about shooting someone in the face.

High School State Wrestling - I don't have a problem with this. Of course, I would prefer it to be more like professional wrestling than the amateur style. But I'm sure that many of those that attended this event also went to one of the other two above. And that ain't too cool. While discussing this topic with commenter, Dut, Saturday night at a bar downtown while I oozed machismo, he admitted that he used to wrestle and achieved ringworm on multiple occasions. Gross. What a rump ranger.

PBA - The Pro Bowlers were also in town this weekend! You don't know this about me (unless you really know me), but there is NO ONE that loves televised bowling more than I do. That being said, when a complete homo like Chris Barnes escapes Columbus with a championship, well, I ain't down with that.

Ugh, for once, I am actually thankful that the only assholes left in Columbus today are Ohio State fans. Maybe I've been taking them for granted but a shitty local sports weekend like this makes me happy that all of the meatheads are gone. Jesus, the only way that Columbus could have been douchier is if Drew Rosenhaus, Woody Paige, A-Rod, Hal Sparks, and Tyler Hansbrough showed up. Meatheads need to die.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Go Get Him, Dan


Terrell Owens is on the open market. At first, I found this hilarious. For one, Jerry Jones completely lied about being happy with his team. Two, he's a douche bag that deserves to be treated like crap.

Then, I got nervous. It doesn't matter how horrible of a teammate Owens can be, when your team is run by completely insane and inept people, you never know what is going to happen next. Rumors were flying around that the Redskins would be in the mix on signing T.O. This scared the shit out of me. He's 35. He's known for dropping passes. He screams at his QB and throws fits when things don't go his way. He is a cancer in the locker room.

But with all that being said...I want him in burgundy and gold. That's right, I said it. I want Terrell Owens to be a Redskin. Allow me to list reasons why:

1. He's still a force that commands double teams.
2. He was faster last year than he was ten years ago.
3. The Skins haven't had a good WR since Art Monk. Remember Rod Gardner? Neither do I.
4. I think that you could get him on the cheap with a heavily incentive-laden deal. For at least this season, he's going to want to stick it up Jerry Jones' hillbilly ass.
5. Santana Moss and Antwaan Randle El suck.
6. If Jason Campbell truly is our QB, it's about time to start surrounding him with weapons.
7. The Redskins don't have a weak locker room like the Cowboys do.
8. Everywhere he has played, his teams make the playoffs if they aren't run by Tony Romo.
9. He actually has a chance to win with the Skins. Going to the Raiders would be a waste of time.

Now, the Skins have made it public that they have no interest in signing T.O. Fuck that. Dan Snyder has made plenty of retarded decisions in the past so why should this one be any different? I'm not going to sit on pins and needles praying for Owens to come to DC, but I will say that I would be happy if he comes in.

After all, Terrell Owens at his worst isn't half as bad as James Thrash somehow still seeing the field. Snyder has already bought the best defensive player on the market...how about throwing a little bit more cash at the best offensive player out there. I have a feeling that he ends up with the Titans though (which would be a good fit). That is if he doesn't try and commit suicide again.

And It Begins...


God dammit. I knew that I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up for the start of the baseball season. Depending on which report you've read, Baseball Jesus is going to miss either:

a.) 6-8 weeks
b.) 10 weeks
c.) 4 fucking months
d.) blow me where the pampers is

The hits just keep on coming for Alex and the Yankees. Whatever. Get the man some HGH and he'll be back next week. Who knows, the Yanks will probably be better without him. Would that really surprise anyone? I'm sure that the New York media is praying for this to happen. Why do bad things always happen to such great people???

I can't wait to see what the Cody Ransom/Angel Berroa era brings. Jesus, we may need to have CC play 3rd so we can get his stick in the lineup. Fuck karma. I would say, "Bring back Scott Brosius" but that would be too funny and this blog isn't known for it's comedy.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

A Plea To The NCAA


Dear NCAA Selection Committee,

I know that when push comes to shove, the opinions produced by this blog can make or break a team's tournament dreams. I know that all of you on the committee read this. I know that my thoughts do not fall on deaf ears. So allow me to draw my line in the sand and get a certain team into the tournament (and no, it is not my RedHawks).

The Northwestern Wildcats NEED to go dancing this year. Allow me to state my case...

Last night, I watched them go into West Lafayette and handle a healthy Purdue team that just beat Ohio State by 25 on Saturday. It was really never in doubt. The Cats have also beaten Florida State at home and AT Michigan State. Outside of the top ten or 15 teams, NO ONE can boast wins of that caliber. Not one team.

Sure, their record is 17-11. It could be better obviously. Their RPI going into last night's game was a pedestrian 81 with a strength of schedule of 68. They are only 8-9 in the Big Ten. I know all about this and it may be difficult to overlook. But don't get suckered into the bureaucratic mumbo jumbo.

Unless the Big Ten Network lied to me, Northwestern has 6 wins over the RPI top 50. SIX! There are bubble teams out there that don't even have 3. And, god dammit, there is no team in the country that plays harder and does more with less than Bill Carmody's boys in purple. Due to the academic standards, they can't recruit the blue chippers like Neon Bedeaux or Matt Nover. They are cranking out a good season on guts and heart.

Another factor that should be considered is that 17 wins is the most wins in school history. Can't you see how monumental this season is in Evanston? For God's sake, Northwestern HAS NEVER PLAYED IN THE NCAA TOURNAMENT. Never. Now they finally have earned the right.

Carmody should garner recognition as national coach of the year. Kevin Coble is one of the best players that you've never heard of even if he does look like a gigantic tool. And keep in mind, you don't want to fuck over these kids because there is a good chance that one day they will end up being your boss.

This post may be moot if the Wildcats win in Columbus on Sunday and then win a game or two in the conference tournament. But it should not matter. Do the right thing, NCAA. I know you have it in you. When Selection Sunday rears it's beautiful head in a few weeks, remember that the Wildcats deserve to be there. They have paid their dues and taken their lumps, now it's time to throw them a bone. Davidson? Penn State? Maryland? Oklahoma State? Fuck them all. For once, how about rewarding those that actually are STUDENT-athletes.

I've said my piece on the topic. Now don't fuck it up, NCAA.

Go fuck yourself,

The Money Shot
c/o G-fucking-$

This Guy Was On The Juice

The answer to this question (asked in March of 2001) is, of course, "a great big heaping dose of steroids". Jesus Christ, a guy that looks like a rat doesn't naturally get built like that. Why is it that no one has made this connection yet? Great numbers followed by weirdo injuries!!! I know all that I need to know: everyone who has ever played for the Red Sox has cheated.

And yet the Oakland A's have signed him this offseason (ironically along with Jason Giambi's mustache). Why? I'm not so sure. Maybe Eric Chavez wanted some company on the disabled list this year. You heard it here first: Nomar Garciaparra is a homosexual. And this blog would know...we've been bringing the gay strong to the hole/anus all week.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Eddie George Has New Show, Ugly Wife


Nice jorts, asshole. Is there an unwritten rule that if you win the Heisman Trophy, you must wear denim shorts? It's probably like the rule that all balding white guys have to shave their head. Who do you think you're fooling anyway? We all know that you're not training for some swimming competition for 30 year olds! Where was I? I get so lost doing this. Oh yeah!

There really is no reason to watch the programming on The Big Ten Network. You would think that the sports on the network would be bad enough but the stories behind the crappy teams are even worse. And don't even get me started on Tom Hamilton either. But, in my opinion, they've got a good idea (in theory) debuting this month with "The Big Ten Quad":

In each episode of the eight-week series, Eddie George, the Heisman Trophy winner and former NFL running back, hosts three Big Ten personalities in an open forum taped in front of a live studio audience at Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism. The show will capture natural conversations that would take place even if the cameras weren’t rolling. Some of the panelists will be: Wisconsin Football Coach Bret Bielema, Ron Dayne, Gene Keady, Desmond Howard, Michael Redd and Jeff George.

This could be pretty cool if they are telling stories from their playing days and not just re-hashing drab, boring uncontroversial statements. I prefer lies. If the week's panel just keeps trying to one-up each other in a Bill Brasky-esque kind of way, I would watch that. Greatest peptalk ever given by Brian Ellerbe? No. Taking 5 minutes of the show to play "Guess What Robert Gallery Smells Like" or "Aloysius Anagonye's Best Fouls"? I'm all in!

I've seen Eddie George on camera on that weirdo FSN fantasy football show with Jay Glazer and he isn't bad. I wish him well in this endeavor and hope that he is better at facilitating conversation than he is at marrying hot ass.

This is Taj George. She is married to a guy that played for over a decade in the NFL and won the Heisman trophy. If I saw her walking down the street, I would cross to the other side. Not because she's black, but because I'm afraid of women 8 times the size of me. She is currently on Survivor (I don't care what you think about me for watching this). She looks like a manlier version of Venus Williams (if that was possible). I informed the roommate of Eddie's wife being on the CBS reality show and it went something like this:

G$: Hey, that's Eddie's wife. For some reason, she's killing herself for a million pre-tax dollars that she doesn't need. She's ugly as sin.
Red: Do you remember (name redacted eventhough none of you would know who it is)?
G$: Yeah, I think so.
Red: She slept with Eddie. Told everyone that he has a small penis.
G$: Well. That is...something?

So what did we learn today about the Heisman Trophy-winning running back?
-Hosting a new show
-Ugly wife
-Potentially tiny dinger

While you sit there trying to digest what you just wasted the last 5 minutes of your life on, remember this: this is exactly the kind of stupid shit that you come here for. Feel free to check out my sister site: floppyathletecocks.com. Li'l Strut does a good job of keeping that updated. If I didn't know any better, I would think that this blog just came out of the closet...