Friday, February 27, 2009

You've Got Mail-In


This is exactly how I fucking feel right now. But instead of the fax machine, the piece of equipment that I want to bash the fuck out of is my office computer. You see, this thing is a piece of shit. It's at least 400 years old, it literally has ZERO space on the hard drive (seriously, it's at 0% available space), and it needs to be restarted every 2 or 3 hours because it always freezes up. And the best part...it won't be replaced until the stupid bitch that does that shit gets back from vacation next week! There are about 2,000 people (at least) that work in the building yet only one fat whore can get me new equipment. That makes a ton of sense.

I am flipping out. Thankfully, no one has really given me any shit this week otherwise I would go all cliche-like and start shooting up the place like a combination of Colombine High School and a post office. My nerves are fried.

While that is usually good for this blog, I've just got nothing left in the tank this week (don't even get me started on the RedHawks getting swept by The Ohio's either). You all love it when I get worked up and start foaming at the mouth like a baby with rabies (that doesn't make sense), but you don't want any of this today. So you're getting a mail-in post. Deal with it. My spirit is more broken than Ben Wallace's fibula. I need some time to decompress. I really didn't have anything important to say today anyway.

I guess if any of you out there want to start some sort of stupid, mindless dialogue, just fire it up in the comments. I'll check back periodically in between computer crashes. Fucking piece of shit...I hate it so much. If you watch the news tomorrow night and hear a story about some lunatic chucking his computer tower out of his 5th story window and then launching his annoying co-worker out, too, you can tell all your friends that you read that guy's blog.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

They Don't Need A Staff Infection


Before I get going with the crux of today's post, I would like to recommend The Sports Paddio to all of my readers. The site gives you a chance to banter back and forth with the likes of me, Damman, Irishman, and sometimes commenter Lester Worm Murphy on the non-blog post worthy topics in the sporting/outside world. Check out the forum and you will get a chance to see my slant on a wide variety of topics that I don't talk about here...and it passes through office firewalls so it will keep you busy throughout the day.

Anyway, last year I posted the results of an NFL mock draft that we did over there (and I will be doing again this year). There were 8-10 of us that picked random teams and had a go at trying to predict the future. Shut up, G$, everyone knows how a mock draft works. So, we started one up again this year and I picked the Lions as a team that I wanted to pick for (along with the Skins and Bucs). Because I wanted to set the tone, dammit. That being said, should the Lions really draft Matthew Stafford #1 overall?

I decided that, no, they should not. Ever since I knew that I was a faux Matt Millen, I had my heart set on Alabama OT, Andre Smith. But he decided that he was crazy so I had to throw that idea out. The Lions have had enough problems over, well, the entire run of the franchise, they don't need a player going AWOL whenever he damn well wants.

I decided on Jason Smith, OT, Baylor. Sure, the QB play in Detroit is incredibly mediocre. But you can attribute that to having to run for their lives. If you can keep them upright and they can get the ball to Calvin Johnson, does it really matter who throws the ball? I don't think so. Here are 5 big reasons that I think that a tackle (Eugene Monroe could be the pick, too) is a better option for the Lions at #1 over Stafford.

1. Jim Schwartz - They just hired this guy to run the team and he's known as a smashmouth kind of coach. He's there to bring a physical, tough culture back to the Lions. It's time to stop being pushovers.

2. Rebuilding - Any idiot knows that you rebuild from the inside-out. You start with the lines and worry about the skill players later. Since I'm sort of in the housing market now, pay attention to the foundation first and worry about what kind of awesome TV to get later.

3. Minimizing the Risk - The Lions draft strategy has been quite laughable in recent years. Charles Rogers, Mike Williams, Drew Stanton, you name them, they sucked. The Draft is far from a sure thing, but getting a potential franchise, 10 year left tackle is a much safer bet than a QB that could end up being the next David Carr. The bust percentage of QB's is much, MUCH higher than that of tackles. Hell, even Robenrt Gallery has begun reaching his potential since the Raiders moved him inside to guard.

4. Early Entry QB's - The track record is there. There are some exceptions, but for the most part, quarterbacks that leave college early for the NFL tend to be terrible. Obviously, Stafford has the tools to be great, but are the Lions willing to risk 70 million dollars on it? Honestly, had Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco had rotten years this season, I don't think that anyone would have Stafford going #1.

5. Jake Long - It wasn't a sexy pick last year, but he kept Pennington off of his back, was a big reason that the Dolphins made the playoffs after a 1-15 season, and I believe he made the Pro Bowl. Again, the safe pick is almost always the better pick.

Who knows. Maybe Stafford will be the real deal. But I just don't think that it's the right time for the Lions to go after a QB in the draft. After all, a QB won't be good throwing from his back if he's got no blocking. Maybe I'm just making too much sense. Hell, the Lions will probably end up taking Todd Boeckman #1 overall. Idiots. I really should be running an NFL team.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

That's More Like It, You Idiots


After a fairly calm season in DC in 2008, it appears that the Redskins are back to their old "winning" ways. I put winning in quotes because everyone in the world knows that throwing money around is not a winning formula. Well, everyone except for Dan Snyder and Vinny "The Fetus" Cerrato. I swear to God, these two are trying their fucking hardest to give me an aneurysm. Allow me to explain:

Citing a "very well-connected league source," Lance Zierlein of the Houston Chronicle reports that Albert Haynesworth will sign with the Redskins at the start of free agency unless the Titans swoop in late.

Zierlein, the son of Steelers OL coach Larry Zierlein, has a blog at Chron.com and does a radio show. His source says Haynesworth will get a deal totaling roughly $100 million that pays $15-16 million annually. Zierlein doesn't usually report and it's hard to see how the Skins will fit him under the salary cap, but this is the kind of megadeal Haynesworth is seeking.

God dammit. God dammit. On the surface, yes, I can see why they want to do this. Haynesworth is arguably the best defensive player in the league and our d-line is fucking terrible. But come on, 100 million??? This isn't baseball. You can't pay a guy 15 million per season. Is Snyder trying to compete with the Steinbrenner Brothers for the title of America's Dumbest Rich Guy? Don't steal that idea either. I'm taking that show to pitch to the Fox executives.

Oh, and this just in because I'm sure that the two morons running my favorite team don't know this, Haynesworth has NEVER PLAYED A FULL SEASON! Never. Not one time in his career has he played all 16 games. And we want to give him nine figures. There is no way in Hell that Albert could come remotely even close to living up to this money. They make me soooo mad.

I fucking hate Snyder and Cerrato. They really don't have a damn clue when it comes to running a football team. If the Redskins were ever fortunate enough to win the Super Bowl with these two morons running the show (they won't but let me dream), I would hope that Roger Goodell would not even acknowledge them during the trophy ceremony and just hand the title to The Golden Arm Of Todd Collins.

If they do seal the deal with Haynesworth, maybe they have something up their sleeve. Maybe they will give me wood by cutting Randle El, Moss, Springs, Jon Jansen, and other guys that should have never been signed in the first place. Maybe? But I doubt it because that would be a smart move and this regime is still waiting for their first one of those.

Ugh, at least Haynesworth likes to stomp on the necks of Cowboys. And that is something that can sell me on this move...I guess. I hate Dan Snyder. Go blow Tom Cruise, you midget prick.

This Week In KoKo Shenanigans


It's bizarre that our old friend and champion of shoulder acne, Kosta Koufos, gets another mention on this blog after his crazy Nike endorsement news from last week. But here he is, still being a titanic bag of dicks. Unfortunately though, KoKo will not be lost at sea like the ship. And right now, Ohio State fans might wish that upon him.

Buckeye basketball fans may not know this yet, but KoKo has fisted you all yet again. When Greg Oden dropped out of school in 2007, Ohio State escaped a scholarship penalty by filing an academic improvement plan with the NCAA folks who oversee the Academic Progress Rate. But that only gets a program off the hook once, so Kosta Koufos' withdrawal from classes last spring is probably going to cost the Buckeyes a scholarship.

Had he just stayed on for the remaining quarter, this might not have been an issue (not 100% sure how the NCAA handles these things but I assume that it was Kosta's fault). But KoKo don't roll like that. When his mom tells him to leave school early and join the NBA, he leaves school early and joins the NBA. And when his mom wipes his ass, he sucks his thumb.

What does this all mean? It means that due to KoKo's selfishness, uber-recruiter Thad Matta is stuck without any scholarships for next year and the same shitburger of PJ Hill (who has improved recently) and Jeremie "The Brick" Simmons running the point. And considering the fact that no team has ever won anything without a good PG, enjoy another mediocre season. Who knows though, maybe Thad can turn Evan Turnover into a decent point forward.

I hope that that NIT title was worth it because the effects of KoKo's reign of terror in Columbus will be felt for at least one more year. Kosta Koufos...what an obscure reference that keeps coming up.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Goodbye, Emmitt


ESPN takes a lot of shit for trying to ruin sports. Most of that is well deserved and I can back that up with retarded ideas like Who's Now, Mount Rushmore, Titletown, and Stuart Scott. But for one day, feel free to pat the Worldwide Leader on it's collective back. For they finally righted a wrong and it was a long time coming.

They cut ties with Emmitt Smith.

There is no one on TV that was worse at their job than Emmitt. He doesn't even know how to speak English. You've got to think that ESPN was counting down the days until his contract expired. Even the Fox BCS team thought that Emmitt was awful on camera. But he's gone now and will probably never be heard from again. And while I won't recommend it, it's now OK to turn on Sportscenter on Sunday mornings and watch Monday Night Countdown. Feel free to not huff glue just to try and make sense of Smith's jumbled words.

Now, I was going to dig up a bunch of his stupid quotes and lay out his ineptitude for all of my readers. But that would be too hard and that is what clicking on my blogroll is for. Awful Announcing has compiled the list of Emmitt's most ignorant quotes. You better enjoy this...

AA's Top Ten Emmitt-isms:
Honorable Mentions:
"Not only does he have the NFC East record for touchdowns, but also the team record."
"Wes Worker is a possession receiver that make things happen."
"The NFC West is probably one of the weakest conferences in the whole NFC."
"The leadership definitely have to come from the leaders."
"I think it's his self-confidence in himself that make him so confident when it get down into the crunch time."

10. "Last year there was a lot of things the Colts had to address. They couldn't stop the run, and all those. That was one of the biggest things they had to address."
9. "You have to have the personality to match up with the Patriots."
8. "He's giving them all the confidences they need. He giving them the confidence that he need."
7. "They do a very good job of flying around the Football field and carousing the Football carrier."
6. "Don't worry about the game you just won or the team that we just blew out. Uhhh... blown. Blown out. Let's think about what we need to do going forward, and they had blown out."
5. "Eli Manning has been given the rites of patches."
4. "This kind of inconsistency, against a team like New England, will get you completely blowed out."
3. "You cannot change the stripes of a leopard."
2. "Go to Arizona, sharp as a whistle, and do some finishing touches, so we can go down in the Super Bowl and play our best football of the whole entire season."
1. "The strength of the Patriots, their offense, got debacled."

You might not have even realized how stupid this man is but I hope that this either helped you understand or re-confirmed your original disposition. Now if ESPN would just get rid of the abysmal Cris Carter, mormon fucktard Steve Young, Chris Mortensen (who hasn't broken a story that turned out to be factual in over 12 years now), and the constantly concussed Merril Hoge, they may one day get my respect again. Hell, I'd take 20 more years of Chris Berman if they would just fire those four fucking idiots. Oh yeah, and please light Trey Wingo on fire.

And I know what you're thinking, "Asshole, who do you want to do the football analysis?" Why not a panel of Berman, the always underrated Tom Jackson, Keyshawn, and Trent Dilfer? To me, they don't use Dilfer enough. The guy is great and actually provides insight without screaming it into his microphone.

In conclusion (and getting off topic), fuck you, Emmitt. You weren't half the running back that Barry Sanders was. Anybody could have run behind those offensive lines. You were no better than Ricky Watters. Anyone that considers Emmitt to be one of the top 5 running backs of all time is an idiot. And anyone that considers Emmitt anything but the worst football analyst ever, you should probably just swallow a 12 guage and get it over with.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Welcome Back, Red!


I was going to use today to discuss my first Blue Jackets game of the year on Saturday night. Even on the night of a sellout, we managed to get $25 tickets 4 rows up from the ice. It was sick. Unfortunately, the Jackets decided to blow donkey balls. I got shit-faced. It was glorious. I even somehow had a good time hanging out with commenter, Dustin (two posts in a row mentioning him...wtf?).

No, no. We aren't talking about that. Now if you can remember, some fucksticks decided to take fire at the Cavaliers for not wheeling and dealing at the deadline (Drew, Ace, GSaul, JA Adande, etc.). Ummmm, there was no need to do anything when a stud like Delonte West comes back and starts destroying everything in sight. Watching the hopeless and dickless Pistons try to stop him in the first half was quite amusing.

Welcome back, Red!!! And yes, this team has more than enough to roll through the East and win the title. I'd bet the birthmark on Delonte's lip on it. I know, I was surprised to hear about that, too. I just figured that he had herpes.

It just gets more and more pathetic to watch the Pistons with every game that they play. They have 4 of the top 50-60 players in the league, yet they are no better than .500 and will get 5 games in the postseason before getting the golf clubs out. But don't worry, at least you'll get a back-stabbing mercenary named Carlos Boozer this summer!

If I was a Pistons fan, I'm mailing a box of my own shit to Joe Dumars every day until he fires Michael Curry. Animal shit doesn't send the same message as something that you created. What a fucking disgrace.

Pssst, if you couldn't tell, I kind of mailed in these posts today. Bear with me because I don't particularly care if you feel shortchanged.

Best. Burger. Ever.

Being the fantastically sexy Catholic that I am, I abide by the unwritten Lent rules in which you give up something that you enjoy. Most cowards go with pussy shit like chocolate or pop or racist jokes. But G$ does it up big time. And Jesus notices. He turns a blind eye to the sinning because of my ultimate sacrifice. Last year, I decided to go vegetarian for the 40 days. It was surprisingly not that shitty. Considering that I look like a guy that buys gravy-flavored Gatorade, this may come as a surprise. Hell, I was skeptical at the time, but it wasn't that bad.

I'm doing the same thing again this year. On Wednesday, I go on rabbit food for over 6 weeks. But before that begins, I needed to send meat out with a bang. I need to make my heart cry grease. Last night, I took the wife to a hidden gem in the Columbus area. It was time to pop my Thurman's cherry. I had never been to The Thurman Cafe down in German Village but the reviews were always outstanding. And after last night, I will be going back shortly after I get on the meat wagon again. The Thurman Burger...just look at this beauty:

1/2 pound of beef, ham, mozzarella, american cheese, lettuce, tomato, mushrooms, sauteed onions, pickle, peppers, and mayo stacked about 4 inches to heaven. Un-fucking-believable. I like to think that this is what Jesus eats when Lent is over and he can eat meat again.

If I was going to quit meat, I'm glad that I went out on top. Thank you, Thurman's, for you have relieved me of my burger boner (it's a real and serious condition). But fuck you for the heart attack. To all my readers, if you have not had the pleasure of eating one of these, get off your ass and go clog your arteries. But be prepared to wait awhile, the place is about as big as (insert your own punchline involving commenter Dustin's anus).

Friday, February 20, 2009

Standing Pat Is OK


You may not know this, but yesterday just so happened to be the trade deadline in the NBA. Rumors were running rampant for over a week, but in the end, nothing of note happened. When the biggest name traded is professional kitten killer, Larry Hughes, you know it's a dull event. My favorite part of deadline day though was seeing that it took the Bulls exactly one year to realize that Hughes and Drew Gooden were God awful basketball players that do more damage to a franchise than I do at Mongolian BBQ.

I didn't expect Danny Ferry to do anything yesterday and he didn't. There was some talk of Marcus Camby and Antawn Jamison, but neither really made sense. Then it was reported that the Cavs were talking to the Suns about bringing Shaq to Cleveland for Ben Wallace and Sasha Pavlovic. Holy shit. Think about that one. Getting rid of two overpaid and inconsistent players for the rejuvenated hall of famer??? Hells fucking yes. But when you think about it more, that didn't make sense either. What are they going to do, start Z and Shaq? That's absurd. The team is better this year because they run more. With those two on the floor together, our offense would need wheelchair ramps. And neither one of those guys are going to be happy coming off the bench and backing up Varejao. In the end, the Suns didn't want Big Ben and the Cavs weren't going to give up Wally. And that makes sense. Next year they would have had almost 45 million of their cap tied down to Z, Ben, and Shaq. No one would want that. Not even Isiah Thomas (probably not true).

So Ferry decided to stand pat. And I'm fine with that. This team is good enough to win a title as is, so there really isn't any need to shake things up and potentially effect their chemistry. And he knows that. So does Mike Brown. Hell, you don't come from the Spurs machine organization without learning a thing or two about winning in the postseason. Why do the Spurs win? They aren't the most talented team but they all trust each other and have amazing chemistry. Sure, they're boring as shit, but I respect the hell out of them. They are who the Cavs have tried to model their franchise after (along with the 2004 Pistons). So far so good and there's no reason to change.

Selfishly, I wanted Wally to stay in Cleveland as well. All year long we've been hearing about that massive expiring contract and how the Cavs would turn that into the final piece of the puzzle. But as I said earlier, nothing really made sense. And it isn't like Wally is playing poorly. Sure, he's not a 14 million dollar player anymore (it's not his fault that Kevin McHale is retarded), but he serves a very valuable role. He plays his ass off every night eventhough he's been asked to play power forward for LONG stretches this season. And he can still hit big shots.

The important thing to do now is just to get healthy. Delonte West, one of the most improved players in the league, is coming back very soon and that's just as good as making a big deadline deal. I'm a little nervous about how much Big Ben and Andy have digressed over the past few weeks, but fuck it. We've got the best player on the floor each and every game and that's good enough for me.

In conclusion, many Cavs fans will look only at the Lakers games and think that we can't win without another big. It's classic "loser Cleveland fan" mentality that one small detail means that greatness can never be achieved. I'm not going to fall into that trap. This team is definitely good enough to win the East (with relative ease in my opinion), so let's worry about getting the chance to possibly play the Lakers by taking care of our own business first and how to beat them later. There's no reason to shuffle your roster because you match up poorly against a team you may not even see again this season. For what it's worth, I think that the Spurs can beat them (fuck you, Mr. Ace).

So kudos to you, Danny Ferry, thank you for keeping this deep roster intact. Now let's focus on getting that home-court advantage throughout the postseason.

Oh, and before I leave you until Monday, let me give you some advice: watch Eastbound And Down on HBO Sunday at 10:30. Trust me.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

An APB On A-Rod's Cousin

If you are keeping score at home, Alex Rodriguez has now apologized twice for using steroids. Whatever. It's over and it isn't that big of a deal anymore. In his most recent apology, Baseball Jesus informed the world that he and his cousin got the 'roids from the Dominican Republic. Ever since PED's became a big issue in baseball, all that everyone ever wanted was for those that were guilty to admit it. A-Rod has. Twice. But to the media, that isn't good enough. They want names. They want details. They want your pin number. They want a kidney. It's never enough with these guys. Fortunately for them, I can help the mainstream media with one thing.

Growing up, I was always outstanding at the game "Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?" Nobody could stop me when it came to tracking fugitives across the globe. I was one helluva gumshoe (whatever that means). So let me make this easy on those investigative reporters out there. Let me find "The Cousin". For God's sake, this man is guilty of bringing drugs onto our soil. Won't someone please think of the children!

That being said, I've compiled a short list of potential cousins that could be guilty of aiding and abetting this week's "worst person ever".
The suspects:


Cousin Cody Lambert - Why Cody? Never trust a grown man that drives a van with a bed in it. He could be a coyote with that kind of set up.

Cousin Larry Appleton - Why Larry? We believe that he helped smuggle his cousin, Balki, into the country.

Terry Cousin - Why Terry? No real reason but I'm sure that Browns fans wouldn't mind seeing him in jail.

My Cousin Vinny Gambini - Why Vinny? It's hard to ignore his mob ties.

Cousin Sal Iacono - Why Sal? He's good friends with Bill Simmons and that is deserving of jail time.

Cousin Itt - Why Itt? Why not?

Cousin Andy - Why Andy? He tried to steal Larry David's smoking jacket!

The Prime Suspect:

Cousin Eddie - Why Eddie? Everything about this man screams "international man of mystery". He drives across the country, keeps snakes as pets, and buries his money in the desert. He could easily be stashing steroids out there today.
I'm on to you, Cousin Eddie. I know that you are the one that is sabotaging Alex Rodriguez. You are the mystery cousin and you will go down for this. I don't care how full your shitter is.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Plot Errors Of A 19 Year Old Movie


I have to admit, for the first time in a long time I can not wait for the start of the major league baseball season. I've been watching the MLB Network much more than I would care to admit. I'm jacked. What also has helped is that HBO has been running Major League a lot over the past month. You forget, by watching it on network tv, how hilarious that movie truly is with the swearing intact. Now, I've done this type of "movie review" in the past for classic films such as Teen Wolf and Little Big League. They went over well with the peeps so here we are again.

As great as Major League is, there are quite a few scenes that don't really sit well with me. And since I have a very well-respected blog, I get to voice my objections with the director's decisions in my own forum. We're just going to go character-by-character so that I hopefully don't forget anything. Without further ado, The Money Shot's "review" of Major League...

Jake Taylor
-When Jake went to Lynn's "apartment" and walked into the dinner party, he asked for a beer yet didn't drink any of it. What kind of a jerk wastes a perfectly good beer?
-Also, when he sees Lynn at the game and follows her home, he's still wearing his uniform. He walks up to her apartment with his cleats still on. She has hardwood floors! What a dick; at least have the decency to remove your spikes before scuffing up the wood. Think about her deposit for fuck's sake! And then he presumably fucks her that night. When he wakes up and she is gone, the only clothes that he has is his uniform from the night before! Does he put it back on and walk around the streets of Cleveland wearing his dirty uniform? And he was driving the bullpen car (which they really need to bring back by the way)! If you saw a guy driving a bullpen car down the street and wearing a baseball uniform, wouldn't you call the cops?

Ricky Vaughn
-Contacts were readily available at the time so why did he continue to wear the specs?
-When he's at the bar and that 80's whore comes up to him and says, "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" all slutty-like, he's leaning against the jukebox. He's listening to WILD THING! Did Vaughn play his own theme song at a bar? Does that work with picking up whores? If so, expect to see ol' G$ playing some Eddie Money or Ted Dibiases's theme song at the Bier Stube this weekend and wait for the skanks to come flocking.

Lou Brown
-Eventhough his role was damn near perfect, one thing always bothered me. He motivated the team by "peeling a section" off of Rachel Phelps. This was a baseball clubhouse, he didn't need nipple pasties. That cardboard cut-out should have been completely nude. If I was on that team, I would have felt cheated. And did the Indians actually take that thing on the road with them???

Charlie Donovan
-Clearly, Charlie wanted the Indians to win. So why did he keep watching the games with Rachel Phelps who was the polar opposite of him? He didn't have to.

Eddie Harris
-Don't even get me started about how unrealistic it was to have this guy pitch the biggest game of the season. Although his liberal use of Vagisil should be commended.

Pedro Cerrano
-I'll never understand why anyone every threw him a fastball. He's the Hollywood version of Alfonso Soriano. Going up against "curveball specialist", Steve Jackson, they should have sent up a pinch hitter.

Suzanne Dorn
-She is the biggest wild card in the entire movie. No one runs the gamut between hot and hideous like Mrs. Dorn. When she's sitting in bed and sees Roger with the groupie, ugh. When she goes to fuck Vaughn, ungodly smoking. But then the next day when she tells Roger about the affair, awful again. It's quite the anomaly. This leads me to my next question: have you ever met a Suzanne that wasn't smoking-ass hot? That may be the hottest name ever.

Longshoreman
-On imdb, this is the title of Neil Flynn's character. These guys aren't that fucking bad. When the Indians beat the Yankees and they show the bar and Flynn hugs the punkrocker, that cracks me up every time. Janitor! They should have given "Longshoreman" more lines.

Lynn Wells
-This is my final bitch and it almost ruined the movie for me. So Lynn messes with Jake's heart all movie long and in the end decides to be with him. How sweet. But it really pissed me off that after the big win, Jake picks her up on his shoulders and the team rallies around them with her standing out over the team. SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED ON THE FIELD! Why was she the center of attention during the celebration. If anything, Lou Brown should have been feeding shitburgers to all the doubters. Rene Russo did her best to kill the ending, but she failed. I hate Lynn Wells.

There you go, my version of a review for Major League. And unlike Major League, the Yankees will never lose to the Indians this season. I guarantee it. World Series, bitches.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I've Already Ordered My Nike KoKo's

We all know that currently the economy is in the toilet. People are losing their jobs, losing their health care, and not buying things. But not everyone is struggling. Take the giant shoe conglomerate known as Nike. Apparently, they have more money than they know what to do with. How do I know this? No, I was not pouring through their tax returns or anything like that. I base this on what is being reported in a newspaper that sounds fake. Nike has enough money to give it away to really crappy basketball players.

Kosta Koufos, a Utah Jazz rookie, recently signed an endorsement deal with Nike that compensates him with cash and merchandise, the Canton Repository reported yesterday. Nike also will supply Koufos' alma mater, GlenOak High School, with shoes, travel bags and warm-up suits each year of the contract, the length of which was not disclosed.

Really, Nike? Kosta Koufos? The 1oth man on the Utah Jazz? He's the guy that you think can push more shoes? There can't be that many Greek kids that can ball in the Salt Lake City area. This is absolutely ridiculous. The guy isn't even liked in his homestate! KoKo is just waiting for the day in which Luke Walton, Brian Scalabrine, and Mark Madsen leave the league so he can officially become the worst player in the league. Yet he just got a shoe deal. The world makes no sense. You know what else makes no sense? Take it away, KoKo.

Koufos, home in Canton during the NBA All-Star break, said "there is no doubt in my mind" that leaving Ohio State after one season "was the right decision."

Oh, sweet Jesus. There is no way that he could possibly believe that. The guy is lucky to play 5 minutes a week. The only thing that this tells me is that he is only playing hoops for the money. That's it. He's a fucking mercenary and he isn't good at it. He wasn't ready to go to the NBA and he still isn't ready to play there. He could have used AT LEAST one more year in school. And think about it: would a frontline of KoKo and WT Mullens be the most loathed duo in college hoops history? They would be up there with Laettner and Hurley and Hansbrough and anybody else. Thanks for robbing me of my angst, jerk.

And before we go, I found a picture of Nike's 2010 KoKo Deluxe...now available in Payless Shoes stores and Salvation Army's everywhere. Fortunately for you, the consumer, each shoe comes with a turd already in it. Fuck you, KoKo.

Insider MLB Info!!!


OK, so in order to keep my umpiring certification in the state of Ohio, I have to attend 4 local rules meetings every winter. They fucking suck. I can't state this enough. These things are the most boring events I have to sit through all year. I would rather work a 24 hour shift of sitting in my cube and staring at the two computer screens on my desk than sit through one of these 80-90 minutes abominations. But one time a year, it is pretty entertaining.

I belong to the biggest umpire's association in the country. I'm not going to brag about it because there is nothing to brag about. I'll just say what idiots say, "it is what it is". Fortunately, for one session we get access to central Ohio's own and MLB veteran umpire, Tim Timmons. I have been around MLB umpires before (at umpire school in Florida) and the stories that get told are fantastic. That is why I always make sure to attend the local meeting in which Timmons speaks. A few of the insider notes from an MLB umpire that I found intriguing:

-Ozzie Guillen is just as big of an asshole as you think
Do you remember the Sox/Royals game last August that resulted in a brawl after Ozzie apparently ordered his pitcher to hit a Royal in the head? Ozzie denied it afterward but Timmons had the plate for that game and heard Ozzie tell the Royals pitching coach ON THE FIELD that he called for that. Guillen was fined but it wasn't released to the public (until I just did it). And it's not as simple as just tossing the guy from the game. You have to file reports, take a ton of calls from the commissioner's office, report sworn affidavits; it isn't just showing the guy the gate. No, it takes much MUCH more behind the scenes than that. Even when a fucking idiot goes berserk on the field, umpires have to document everything said, write a report on it, and submit it to the commissioner.

-The Umpire's Union is fine with instant replay
You would think that they would be pissed off about it, but Timmons says that they aren't. The way that stadiums are designed these days, it's hard to get fair/foul calls and home runs accurate 100% of the time so they don't mind having a back-up to make sure that the call is right. The only thing that umpires don't like about it is the consistency. You see, at a stadium like Yankee Stadium, with the YES network and whatnot, there are 27 fixed cameras that can be used on close calls. But at a place like Kaufmann Stadium in KC in which there is only a local broadcast, they may have access to only 4-5 cameras. It's a small detail but kind of an important one.

-Umpiring in MLB is a dangerous job
Do you remember last April when umpire Kerwin Danley got hit in the jaw with a fastball? It was a pretty frightening scene. Chances are that you haven't heard about Danley since. Unfortunately, we were told tonight that due to the injury, Danley will never umpire again. And that's kind of sad. One fluke play can end it all.

Maybe you don't find this sort of thing interesting, but I do. It's cool to get a little insider knowledge of a sport that you watch daily. Well, there you go. Your weird uncle G$ dropping some truth on you...

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Great American Farce


Buckle your seatbelt because this is the only time that I ever dedicate an entire post to NASCAR. That was a terrible pun and I apologize for it. Every year, I take time out of my busy schedule (that's a lie) to watch the Daytona 500. I feel like it's my civic duty as an American. It's as boring as sin, Darrell Waltrip is a fucking retard, and I have to have a defibrilator on hand to make sure that I don't die. But I do it. Because if I don't, the terrorists win.

Unlike George Carlin, I do not watch auto racing just for the accidents. While it would be refreshing to see a driver running around with his head on fire trying to punch it out, that is not for me. If anything, accidents are the worst thing that could happen in a race. Because with more accidents, the race drags on longer...and longer...and even longer. The sooner that these things get over with, the better, in my opinion. But that sentiment is sort of weird because when I am driving and some asshole passes me going 95 mph, deep down I hope to see his car wrapped around a light pole ten miles ahead. But in NASCAR, eventhough these hill-folk are going 180 mph, I don't want to see that shit. Just end it already.

So Matt Kenseth wins the Daytona 500 after 152 laps. Yawn. I didn't think that it was possible to have anyone win the race that was more dull than Ryan Newman but here we are with someone just as boring. I have made a conscious decision to pick a driver to support this year and The Money Shot has decided on Denny Hamlin. I don't know anyone that has picked him, he shares the same first name with two other awesome Denny's (Wann and Spieth), and he works for the great Joe Gibbs. Seems like a good fit for this blog. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to start wearing a bunch of Fed Ex shit, but I've made my stand. Anyway, Denny was running pretty good yesterday until those two fucking idiots (Vickers and Dead Dad Junior) screwed his day up. I don't claim to be a racing expert (actually, yes I do although that would also be a lie) and I don't care to be one, but if two guys take out 4 of the best drivers, they should be suspended for at least a month. Nobody fucks with Denny Hamlin and gets away with it.

Enough of that. NASCAR fucking sucks. The Daytona 500 is known around trailer parks and battered women's shelters as the "Super Bowl of Racing". That's bullshit. Remember the 2007 Colts/Bears Super Bowl in Miami? It poured all game long and it made for a sloppy affair. If NASCAR ran that Super Bowl, they would have ended it after 3 quarters. THEY DIDN'T EVEN FINISH THE GOD DAMN RACE YESTERDAY!!! So what if it's fucking raining? Stop the damn thing for a few minutes, put on some wipers, and get to 200 laps! Each race is supposed to guage the best driver, right? Well, rain happens. It happens a lot. The best driver should be the one that can navigate the track no matter what the conditions are. Bullshit. Nice fucking "Super Bowl".

And what is the deal with the "competition cautions"? Because it had been raining earlier in the day, officials stopped the race a few times so teams could pit and check on their cars. What the fuck is that all about? To continue further football analogies, referees don't stop games half way through the first quarter so that both teams can take time to review their gameplans and make adjustements. You do that shit on the fly over the course of the game/race. Quit being pussies.

That's the rub to me. Safety is obviously a big concern but at what price has it cheapened the event? You don't want guys getting killed on the track again but there's nothing wrong with putting a little danger and excitement back in. I don't know, make the cars go faster, more easy to flip, put those police spikes on the track at random times, landmines, some crazy hillbilly shooting a bazooka at Jeff Gordon, give me something. I said earlier that I don't want to see accidents because it extends the agony, but in all actuality, I just want to see better wrecks. Scraping the wall and needing ten minutes to clean it up? Gay as Wanda Sykes. Kyle Busch flipping his car into the first 6 rows and landing with his mouth on some dude's dinger? Fuck and yes.

I have admittedly made a conscientious effort to watch NASCAR. I've given it a shot but I just don't understand the appeal. 80% of the drivers are douchebags. I'm just glad that there was alternate programming on yesterday like the Mark Whiten 4 HR game against the Reds on MLB Network and a marathon of My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance on Fox Reality. That really was the best reality show ever created. That really helped make up for a shitty and embarrassing day at the track. Fuck racing (eventhough I'm going to win the fantasy NASCAR league for the second year in a row, bitches). Who was the smart motherfucker that started both Kevin Harvick and AJ Allmendinger on team "Playing With My Allmendinger"???

I really need to kill myself. I'm a fucking loser.

Friday, February 13, 2009

10 Year Reunion


Yesterday, I told you all that I had big plans for Saturday night. It is something that I have been looking forward to ever since the minute that I heard it was taking place. Tomorrow night, Miami University will be honoring the Sweet Sixteen team from 1998-1999. It's the ten year anniversary of the team that made me fall in love with college hoops and I would not miss this event for anything in the world. Now it does come with strings attached. I do have to sit through a probable shitty game between the Western Michigan John Saunders's and my RedHawks. And I'm dragging She$ down to Oxford with me...on Valentine's Day. She is so lucky to be marrying me.

Unfortunately, this team reached the Sweet Sixteen during my senior year of high school and never got back to the dance during my 4 years there. It sucked. But that's not saying that I don't have my own brilliant memories of RedHawk basketball. The first thing that comes to mind was during my freshman year when I called Charlie Coles' house and conducted an interview with him before the 2000 MAC tournament. I had no affiliation with any publication, I just did it for my boys in Havighurst Hall. And to my credit, it was a pretty solid fake interview for a 19 year old dickbag trying to make a prank phone call. There will be another time for that tale to be told though. But anyway, back to the 98-99 team.

The '98-'99 team was lead by the great Wally Szczerbiak (who graced the cover of both Sports Illustrated and The Sporting News that year). They received an at-large bid and were given a ten seed in the tourney. After beating Todd MacCullough's Washington Huskies in the first round by a point, the RedHawks completely dominated Andre Miller's Utah Utes in the second round due to some rare hot shooting from the mediocre Jason Stewart and tough post play from John Estick. They couldn't keep it going into the second weekend of the tournament as Tayshaun Prince's UK Wildcats sent them home (soundly I might add). But the joy of my mid-major making a run in the tournament is a feeling that I will never forget. And every member of the team (except for Brian Edwards and his arsenal of low post moves) will be in Millett Hall tomorrow night.

But that's not all. Miami is inducting two former hoops studs into the athletic hall of fame. Wally already had #32 put up into the rafters (metaphorically) at a football game that I attended a few years ago that I'm sure we lost. And he will reach red and white immortality tomorrow night. Either way, 32 should never ever be worn again. I would even suggest that his number be treated like Jackie Robinson's in which no one should ever be able to wear that number at any level of hoops ever again.

The other man being honored is #42. Now, I guarantee that you all remember the guy, but you haven't thought about him since his days in Oxford were over. Devin Davis, the ORIGINAL dread-locked basketball player, will be on hand to see his jersey raised (I think). It was the 1995 team that made the tournament with Devin as a 12 seed and sent home the Damon Stoudamire-led Arizona Wildcats early in Dayton. A young, future blogger was in attendance for that one. Anyway, Devin has made a nice career for himself playing over in Spain and is apparently still one of the best players over there. Good for him, I look forward to seeing what that hair looks like tomorrow night.

It's going to be awesome. But there is one more thing that I would like to share and it disappoints me very much. So, I only know one guy that is in the sports business world. He used to be an assistant coach at Miami before moving on to working for the Chicago Bulls. I'm talking to him on Facebook last weekend and we agree to meet up and say hello, you know, boring small talk at some point tomorrow. He asked if I was staying down there that night. Since I'm forcing She$ to go to a basketball game on Valentine's Day, I advised him that I was heading back when the game was over. His reply was something along the lines of, "that's too bad, I'm staying with (one of the coaches), you would have been more than welcome to come and drink with me and the boys from the '98 team". Sonofabitch. I can't believe that I'm not going to take up that offer. That's a nerdy sports fan's dream come true. Why am I getting married again???

Although to be honest, it would probably get really awkward when I went up and hugged Wally every five minutes. I even had a perfect ice breaker that would have gotten a laugh out of the Cavalier (which I will not share because it is supposed to be for Wally's ears only)! Damn. I have never regretted being engaged until this moment. She$ is stripping me of my destiny! It's still going to be a great time though and I can't wait. Have a good weekend and if you even think that I won't be talking about the Daytona 500 on Monday, you've got another thing coming. GO REDHAWKS!!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Yesterday Was Outstanding


You may not even realize it, but yesterday was fantastic. It really was a blogger's dream. If you are anything like me, you enjoy sports, idiots, and other people's misery. Especially that last one...that is what makes me special and separates me from other well-known dickheads (Cris Carter). So let's get into the greatness which was February 11, 2009.

Does Roberto Alomar have AIDS? I'm HIV positive of it.
-If South Park has taught us anything, it is that it's been long enough and it's OK to laugh about AIDS now. How funny is this? Alomar, knowing that he was carrying this stuff, insisted on banging broads without wearing his AIDS preventer! What a classy guy. Now those baseball purists, that will all hopefully die soon, like to scream "won't somebody think of the children" everytime steroids are brought up. Well, what do you tell your kids about Alomar? Sure, son, Alomar was a great player in his day but he also starred in the real-life Latin version of "Philadelphia"! He went by the name of Roberto Beckett and Denzel Washington was his best friend. It was about time that we had another athlete contract AIDS. Tommy Morrison was getting lonely. And would AIDS be considered a performance-debilitating drug?

Duke basketball fans are slowly dying albeit not fast enough.
-I have no idea what meningitis is or what it does, but apparently it is making the rounds in Krzyzewski-ville at Duke. I like to think that it's medical-speak for super-AIDS. And I also like to believe that it was spread through the student body by the Duke Lacrosse team. Now if they can get it from the tents to the basketball locker room and infect the entire team, I will be very impressed. You can start with Jon Scheyer. Anyone out there want to disappoint me by giving me the definition of meningitis, whatever, do your worst.

Brett Favre took the coward's way out.
-Finally. Old Man Wrangler is running back to Hick County, USA with his tail between his legs. I don't think that it's possible for Favre to leave the NFL any worse than he did after this past season. And I love it. Instead of holding a tearful and ridiculous press conference of lies, he sends his agent to do his dirty work this time. It's over! Brett Favre's stranglehold on football has finally been released. Now he can spend the rest of his days trolling through the aisles of WalMart searching for that perfect pair of jorts that have eluded him ever since the day that he was drafted (don't feel like finding that picture again).

Mexicans get put in their place in Columbus.
-I guess that some sort of World Cup qualifier was played at Crew Stadium last night. I didn't watch it. The Americans won, I heard. Either way, I'm going to be hearing about a lot of central Ohio stabbings and stolen hubcaps on the radio today.

Adam Dunn and Bobby Abreu quietly weep after realizing that they aren't worth much.
-Do you remember when Dunn was aiming for a 5 year/100 mill contract? And Abreu thinking he would get 3 for 50 mill? Ha. Sweet Pea has signed with the Angels for one year and 5 million. This makes no sense to me because the Angels already have about 12 outfielders. And then there's Captain Strikeout. 2 years and 20 million to play for the worst team in baseball. That seems about right. Dunn is the kind of guy who will always play on terrible teams and hit 40 meaningless home runs per season. It just feels like he's a career loser. It takes some serious balls to sign with an organization even worse than the Reds. Dunn seems like he would be a perfect fit for the "Matt Millen Era" Lions.

JBeanie finally posted again!
-Who cares. That fucking idiot (who wouldn't be getting insulted if he showed his face around here) showed up after taking 10 days off for no reason other than laziness. His big return post? A re-post of a post that he posted last year in which he discussed Brett Favre. Step it up, fucker. Didn't your parents ever tell you when you were a kid that, "if you don't work hard on your blog, Keyser Soze and/or Roberto Alomar will come get you"? You've got to make time if you ever want to be as great as me.

Steve Phillips makes terrible analogies because he doesn't own a mirror.
I just remembered this and it reminded me of how retarded Steve Phillips is. So during the whole A-Rod fiasco, for some reason, ESPN had Phillips on to give his reaction to the situation. He compared Alex to Britney Spears. While the metaphor is not that bad, it shouldn't be coming from a guy who's life is similar to Kevin Federline's. He hits a home run by getting the Mets GM gig, gets shit-canned, and now everytime you see him, you just laugh at how ridiculous he is. Fuck you, Steve Phillips. I can't wait to hear you and Joe Morgan wax idiotic on Sunday Night Baseball this year. I'm sorry, that's a lie, I'm not going to watch that.

Come on, Thursday, give us something just as good as Wednesday did. I've got a HUGE weekend ahead of me that has nothing at all to do with Valentine's Day. We'll talk about that tomorrow. Try not to get AIDS today.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I Need Some Cheering Up

Last night, I passed up on going down to the Blue Jackets/Avalanche game. I figured that since that bitch Adam Foote wasn't going to show up and accept the boo's that he has rightfully earned, I might as well skip it, too. In the end, the Jackets won 3-0 to sweep the season series from Colorado. It looked like fun. In lieu of some quality hockey action, I decided that it would be better to stay at home and listen to the RedHawks and watch the Cavs game. Let me tell you how those games ended:

Miami lost by 2 points to a Central Michigan team (that was a robust 6-15) because they couldn't make free throws and enjoyed turning the ball over way too much.
The Cavs got royally fist-fucked in Indiana, 97-96, because the refs decided that LeBron fouled Danny Granger with .1 seconds left eventhough he didn't touch him. This is the first time all season that the Cavs have lost back-to-back games. Despite LeBron's scintillating 47 point performance, it was not enough to escape Cornfuck City. It was one of the greatest screw-jobs of the year but you won't hear about it because it didn't happen to the Lakers or Celtics. Bullshit

So needless to say, I'm fucking pissed off. The only way that my decision-making could have been worse last night is if I'd picked up a 6-pack of Schmitt's Gay and played chicken in a pool. But, what's the best way to lighten up your mood and get yourself back into a positive frame of mind???

Ass. Sports Illustrated released their Swimsuit Issue yesterday and I spent a hearty chunk of time at work scouring through the picks (I'm a great employee). As usual, they did not disappoint. And for the second year in a row, SI made Danica Patrick look fantastic. Apparently, Bar Rafaeli is the cover girl this year and you may know her as the girl that slobs Leo DiCaprio's knob on some beach that you could never ever afford to go to. Now I'm not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to the Swimsuit Issue, but I was able to narrow down my five favorites of all time (with pictures, of course). Because, hell, 80% of the models this year all have names with more z's and v's in them than vowels. Come on, ladies, cheer me up (in no particular order):


Kathy Ireland - whatever happened to her anyway?

Stephanie Seymour - banging Axl Rose is disgusting but she looked great in the November Rain video

Marisa Miller - Ah, Marisa, you can be She$ 2 if you want

Laetitia Casta - I've got nothing but she is really hot

Heidi Klum - Now I know that I'm better looking than Seal

Eh, I really don't feel any better. Oh well, consider it a reward for putting up my with angry, hate-filled rant. At least it had nothing to do with steroids. Body paint is the greatest invention ever. Even better than this blog.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A-Rod Again


Like it or not, this is a big-ass story. And the conversation will continue (and hopefully end) today. This is the story of the year. Considering that I write this blog for myself first and my readers second, I tend to discuss topics that are meaningful in my scope as a sports fan. And that is where we are right now. I said yesterday that there is no way that A-Rod will ever admit to taking steroids and, lo and behold, he sits down with Peter Gammons and lays it all out there. Now it is up to the public to critique.

I found it to be fascinating. Maybe it's because you never hear an athlete be this candid, but the entire interview was gripping. A-Rod put it all out there: his past transgressions, his apology, his story. Let's break it down.

"Back then, [baseball] was a different culture," Rodriguez said. "It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time."

I guess I can understand this. From what we know now, it was a freaking free for all in the clubhouses around the game back then. Now I'm not going to feel sorry for him because he had massive expectations to live up to that contract, but I think that we can all see what kind of pressure it would put on someone to perform. Not an excuse though.

"I did take a banned substance. And for that, I am very sorry and deeply regretful."

I believe him. Maybe I'm being naive but I think that he is sorry for cheating (probably more sorry for getting caught but nevertheless). I've seen many A-Rod interviews over the years and the guy can't act. He was contrite and regretful in that interview. That was not fake.

"I'm guilty for a lot of things. I'm guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions. And to be quite honest, I don't know exactly what substance I was guilty of using."

Hmmmm, now here is where I raise a red flag. The "I didn't know" defense didn't fly for Palmeiro. But then again, Alex isn't very smart so maybe he didn't know what he was doing. But I highly doubt that.

"I'm finally beginning to grow up. I'm pretty tired of being stupid and selfish, you know, about myself. The truth needed to come out a long time ago. I'm glad it's coming out today."

Thank you. It is time to stop being selfish. And don't give me that shit that "he's only apologizing because he got caught". Well, of course he is. Do you turn yourself in to the cops every time that you catch yourself speeding? Do you tell your girlfriend/wife every time you go to Hooters and daydream about motorboating a waitress? Do you admit to your parents that eventhough they were asleep, you got home two hours past your curfew smelling of cheap beer and the clap? No, because that would be ridiculous. When you get busted, you come clean. Not before. Not three months after. He did this the right way (surprisingly). You admit your mistake and, over time, people will forgive. It's the nature of the beast.

On "60 Minutes," when he denied ever using steroids, that "at the time, Peter, I wasn't even being truthful with myself. How am I going to be truthful with Katie or CBS?"

That was pretty corny but, again, there was no need to throw himself under the bus.

"They are looking in the wrong places," Jose Canseco said in a text message to The Associated Press. "This is a 25-year cover-up. The true criminals are Gene Orza, Donald Fehr and [commissioner] Bud [Selig]. Investigate them, and you will have all the answers."

Thank you, Jose. I could not agree more.

OK, so what it boils down to, for me at least, was that A-Rod took all the blame. And he needed to. Don't blame anyone else but yourself. He wasn't angry at MLB for not shredding records or SI for reporting it (eventhough he got pissy about the reporter who was apparently stalking him). He blamed himself and apologized for it. And eventhough he will always be branded a cheater, I found it commendable that he was so forthright this soon. Like it or not, he is still going to get into the Hall of Fame. In 9 years when his career ends, he will likely have well over 800 home runs. It's going to happen and this may only be a blip on his resume. This isn't the same as Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. This is the absolute right move for those players that have used and been busted.

One thing that I can not wait to see is that first home game in the new Yankee Stadium against the Indians. A-Rod will come up to bat for the first time and the Yankee faithful will give him a standing ovation. I will guarantee this. Because if there is one thing that sports fans embrace, it's giving people second chances. And no fan base does it better than Yankees fans, the best fans in the world.

Your thoughts on the press conference, please? And I will try my best not to get too defensive.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Baseball Jesus Was Juiced?


Alex Rodriguez allegedly did steroids. Whoa. If you rank sports stories based on shock value, this one is up there with Magic Johnson contracting HIV and OJ Simpson peacefully cutting ties with his ex-wife. This is a pretty big deal. There are very few people out there that are A-Rod fans and all of the rest are having a solid laugh about this. It's understandable. I mean, when it's finally revealed that David Ortiz ingested copious amounts of horse steroids, I'll be the first one in line to spit in his face. It's the nature of the beast.

And before we go any further, save your breath. This doesn't bother me. Even as an A-Rod fan, I'm not too concerned with the fallout. First of all, this happened when he was with the Rangers so don't try and make this an anti-Yankees argument. Secondly, he will never admit to this report. Third, it's always a zoo around the Yankees anyway and while this will obviously result in more questions by the media, everyone in the organization has already been through this before with Giambi and Pettitte and knows how to deal with this.

So beyond those things, I do have some serious issues with this development and neither have to do with Alex Rodriguez. Allow me...

MLB is fucking retarded.
--So in 2003, baseball tested every player, under condition of anonymity, to see if a drug policy was needed. 104 players failed that test. They were not going to be singled out because of it, it was just used as a research project. Once the results were known to those that needed to know them, that report was supposed to be destroyed. Obviously, that was not the case. What the fuck? The players were asked to assist on this under the condition of confidentiality and now what. 6 years later, here comes that report again singling out one of the biggest names in baseball. None of the other 103 get snowballed, just one. I'm not saying that A-Rod is some innocent martyr out there being sacrificed for the past sins of Bud Selig's idiocy either. But if you are leaking one, you better damn sure be following that name up with the other 103. The fact is, legally speaking, I believe that this qualifies under something like doctor/patient confidentiality. Everything about this breaking story just screams of how inept the front offices of MLB truly is. They are fucking clueless. They can't even get something as simple as "sealed documents" right.

MLB is fucking retarded, Part 2.
Bud Selig's "big" plan was to clean up the sport. Well done, sir. Oh, you may have taken the 'roids out of baseball, but at what cost? The two best players of the past 20 years have now been deemed cheaters eventhough these substances were not banned at the time. And it's going to haunt them for the rest of their lives. Instead of purifying the game, Bud Selig has turned it into a bad fucking joke. I can't take it seriously anymore. Selig wants to sit up on his high horse and claim that he's doing everything that he can to de-juice baseball but it's all bullshit. He didn't care about this when steroids brought fans back after the strike that he helped cause. Fuck him. Think about it, this is a VERY BAD thing for baseball. If you are a fan of the game, this past weekend just gave all the haters out there more ammo to tell you that your sport sucks. And the problem is, it does.

I'm serious. Steroids never were the biggest problem with baseball. It has ALWAYS been Bud Selig who has been the root of all of the sport's issues. Because of him, you can't trust anyone in the game anymore. Every time someone hits 40 home runs, that dark cloud will always loom solely because Bud Selig is a mental defective. If you are looking for someone who was worse at their job than our former president, look no further than the commissioner of baseball.

I think it was HHH that used to say, "don't hate the player, hate the game". And he was exactly right. It doesn't fucking matter to me anyway. Whatever you want to refer to him as, either A-Rod or A-Roid, the Yankees are still going to win the World Series this year as the ultimate "FUCK YOU" to the horse's ass commissioner. Bud Selig needs to be shot.

Bad Week For The Cavs Got Worse


First, it was Mo Williams being snubbed (again) for the All-Star game. Then, it was the NBA diminishing LeBron's epic performance at The Garden and taking away his triple-double. Has that ever fucking happened before??? Since when was the commissioner's office allowed to take away rebounds two days after the game? Finally, there was yesterday. The Cavaliers home winning streak ended at 23 as the Lakers came in to Cleveland and pretty much kicked their teeth in (again).

That was an incredibly frustrating game to watch as a Cavs fan. The first half was the tits as the Cavs went into the locker room after 24 minutes up 10. But then everything went to shit. Basically, they did nothing right in the second half. A few thoughts:

*That was by far the worst game that I've ever seen LeBron play. I don't even think I'm overreacting when I say that. He played timid. He did not try to enforce his will. When you look at their last game against the Knicks, he didn't even remotely look like the same player. He didn't play like a superstar in a game in which he needed to be that. That was the most frustrating part of the game other than...

*Good job making Lamar fucking Odom look like the best player of all time. Seriously. "Boxing out" is not a new idea. It has been in basketball for decades now. How ANY player can get 15 and 10 in a QUARTER speaks to how awful the Cavs frontline played yesterday.

*Big Z was fantastic but other than him, our 4's and 5's were rotten. Varejao, Wallace, Hickson, and Varejao again should donate their game checks to an orphanage. They should not be getting paid for that shitty effort.

*The officiating was beyond awful but I don't want to use that as an excuse. The Lakers earned the win but my God those refs were shitty.

*I liked how "Kobe has the flu" was already set up for being the excuse if the Cavs would have won the game. Oh, he's cold. His halftime IV made him chilly. He needs towels to keep his temperature up. Give me a fucking break. If he was sick, he would not have been out there. Period. Fucking drama queen. And the way the Cavs defended yesterday, he probably could have taken the game off and it would not have mattered.

*The team that finally ended the Cavs home winning streak featured a starting lineup with Luke Walton in it. That pisses me off to no end. And that fucking bag of shit actually hit a 3. I still stand by my statement that he is the worst player in the league.

*For some reason, I don't like Derek Fisher. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but I hate him.

So what does it all mean? Not much really. The Cavs are 39-10 and still own the 1 seed in the East thanks to a nice choke by the Celtics yesterday. The only thing that bothers me is that now we all know that the Lakers are a better team than the Cavaliers. Unfortunately, it is not debatable. They beat us at home without Andrew Bynum. That says A LOT.

In conclusion, when you have Wally Szczerbiak wearing a facemask and a headband, you have an awesome team. I think that Marc Jackson is in love with him.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Open Mouth, Insert Awesome


Remember back in the decade that I like to call "the 90's", and to an extent, the early 2000's, when Florida/Tennessee was a can't-miss game every season. Over the years, you had Fulmer, Spurrier, Manning, Grossman, Jamal's Lewis's, Wuerrful, etc. and the game almost always meant the SEC East title. Well, obviously the importance of that rivalry has lessened over the past few years. One might argue that a rivalry can only occur when both teams are good. And that just hasn't been the case recently (don't give me the Vols team 2 years ago, they were terrible). Fortunately, there appears to still be a spark on this rivalry's fire and it might just be growing again.

The new Tennessee coach was reprimanded by the Southeastern Conference and issued an apology on Thursday for falsely accusing Florida’s Urban Meyer of a recruiting violation. Earlier in the day, Kiffin told fans at a breakfast celebrating UT’s recruiting class that Meyer violated rules by phoning Nu’Keese Richardson (ed. note - nice name) while the wide receiver prospect was on an official visit at Tennessee.
“I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn’t get him,” Kiffin said, according to a WVLT-TV report.


The initial reaction to this quote by the majority of football fans is probably something along the lines of, "what a fucking idiot". He's coaching a 4-5 win team in a MASSIVE rebuilding mode. Kiffin should be worried more about his own house than someone else's. Accusing a two-time national champion coach of shenanigans is probably not a wise idea either. And that is probably the right sentiment that you share. It wasn't a smart thing to say. The Gators are probably going to beat the Vols by 40 this year and Urban won't forget that line. He'll probably try to rub it in because that is what dickheads do.

But I love it. Let's be honest, that Tennessee program had become so stale and pedestrian over the past 5 years. There was no juice in the program. The fans weren't excited anymore. Rocky Top wasn't as boisterous as it used to be when Peyton Manning was choking during his tenure there. But now the fans are reinvigorated. They have to be! I mean, holy shit, their brand new coach that had an ugly divorce from the Raiders just accused Florida's coach of cheating! That is fucking awesome. Who cares that he apologized? He said it. It's out there. He would have never said it if he didn't believe it.

Now it's time to back that shit up. Remember when Jim Harbaugh took the Stanford job and immediately slammed USC? How did his team respond that year? They went into LA and beat the fucking Trojans in one of the greatest upsets in college football history. Lane Kiffin just threw down the gauntlet and it's time for the Vols and their fans to get behind him. I love this saavy move so much.

Lane Kiffin is a genius...or he's the dumbest man on the planet. Either way, that UT/UF game this Fall is once again going to be a must-see. See you all on Monday to discuss the Pro Bowl (not really).

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Groom Knows Dick: Flowers


Legendary blogger, Drew Magary, has a blog called "Father Knows Shit". It's pretty much a diary of all the weird and stupid shit that goes on over the course of fatherhood. So I'm sitting around the other day thinking, "I'm getting married soon, I have no idea what's going on, She-Money keeps dropping all of these monster bills my way, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing." Whenever I see fit, I'm going to do a post about some horrible aspect of the wedding planning process. If you guys take one piece of advice from me, let it be this:

There is nothing wrong with getting married. There is everything wrong with planning a wedding. Everything about it sucks and it is ripe to be blogged/bitched about. Up next on "Groom Knows Dick": Flowers.

If there is one thing in the world that women love and men don't even know exist, it is flowers. Unfortunately for us, a wedding ceremony requires their presence. A few weekends ago, I went back to my hometown as I had an appointment to pick out my tux. I knew that I had to hurry with my decision because She$ was coming in a half and hour later with her mom to pick out the aforementioned flowers (I know what you're thinking, flowers and tux's at the same place? You bet.). I failed miserably. I hadn't even gotten sized yet and here come the Buzzkills. I knew damn well that my needs were being put on the backburner and I was going to have to sit through this.

Let me ask you something: have you ever looked at the flowers when you are at a wedding? Have you ever even acknowledged their existence? Of course not, that would be stupid. But let me tell you something, they are all around you and they cost an arm, a leg, and 6 dongs. You better start saving because these fucking wastes of space are going to rob you.

And here is something else that I never knew: apparently flowers have to match EVERYTHING. Somehow they have to go with the bridesmaid's dresses, the groomsmen's vests, the color of my ass hair, the time of day, and/or unicorns. It's ridiculous. But I guess that it is a must. Everything has to flow uniformly. God forbid if any of the colors clashed. In the olde days, they would catapult you out of town if you didn't follow the color schemes.

So the lady helping us out with all of this is going down the list of all the people that need flowers and all the places that need flowers, etc. With every name read off, all that I can hear is the sound that a cash register makes. I try to combat this fear and anger by acting like I'm not paying attention. I don't want to show that it's bothering the fuck out of me. It's kind of like the classic scene in Rocky III when Apollo and Rocky have their training montage. You remember, when Balboa finally starts listening to Creed and begins busting his ass to beat Mr. T. They are racing each other on the beach (for some reason) and after numerous attempts, Balboa finally beats him. Seems harmless, right? But when the cameras focus in on Carl Weathers' ripped legs pumping through the sand, there is about a 2 second moment in which Apollo's balls are visibly flopping around like it's nobody's business. It's hideous and I know it's coming, but I can never look away. Does it make me gay? Perhaps. But so would taking an interest in flowers no matter how sick it makes me.

Let this be a lesson to all of you considering getting married. Flowers are exactly like the big flopping junk of Carl Weathers: a necessary evil. No matter how hard you try, you can't avoid them. You will find both to be insanely uncalled for. You will pay for them and it will kill you to do so. But in the end, all the ladies over 60 in attendance will remind you of how beautiful your flowers were. And isn't that what it's all about? Damn you flowers. And damn you Carl Weathers wang.

Ugh. The new responsibility given to me last week was to find transportation from the ceremony to the reception. Considering that our party has somewhere in the vicinity of 175 people in it, this should be fun. Fuck this. We should have just eloped.

My Wish Has Been Granted


I've always been a big sports talk radio guy. I don't call in to the shows because that would be incredibly pathetic (coughDustincough), but I like to listen. How else do you think that I stay ahead of the times and continue to crank out relevant blog topics? That's a joke by the way.

Anyway, in Columbus, we used to have only one 24 hour sports talk station, that being 1460 AM The Fan. It generally carried ESPN programming with a few local shows mixed in and it was a pretty good listen. The one extremely shitty problem with the station was that at 5:15 every night, they would turn their power WAAAAAAAAAAAAY down. I probably live less than 10 miles away from the station and I couldn't pick it up at all after dark. It was bullshit. How do you expect to get sponsors to give you money when no one can hear your broadcast for almost 12 hours each day?

But that has recently changed. Almost two weeks ago, 1460 AM made the move to 97.1 FM and the results have been boner-inducing. Instead of a constant static-y signal, we get HD radio broadcasts daily (The Torg sounds even drunker than usual and Spielman sounds even dumber!) and you can listen to the station from up to 100 miles outside of Columbus. Fantastic! I needed this. I'm too old to listen to regular, you know, music radio eventhough the local 90's alternative station is awesome. Thank you, The Fan, for this welcomed gift.

Now if we could just have Bob Juniper from 3-C Body Shop murdered, I would be a happy man. That guy sucks a fatter cock than Clay Aiken. If I have to hear that idiot rap about car repairs again, I'm going on a multi-state murder spree.

I probably should have prefaced this by saying that unless you live in central Ohio, you can take this post off. Fuck it, if you make this site a daily stop, you aren't busy anyway.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

The Best Of The Buckeye Football Blotter


You all know how I feel about Ohio State's football program. I don't care for it. It insists upon itself. But that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the comedy that it provides. With Alex Boone's hilarious arrest from this weekend (pictured, looking fantastic), the Buckeyes continue to give us reasons to point and laugh. These numerous run-in's with the law also give me a great rush because I never know when my life will be altered by some idiot football player thinking that he's above the law. I've compiled a list of my favorite Buckeye arrests over the past few years so we can all get a cheap laugh. I think that you will all enjoy this post.

Alex Boone: The Drunk Incredible Hulk
When they arrived, the 6-foot-8, 312-pound tackle had been jumping on car hoods, yanking on a tow truck cable and trying to break a window, said sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino. Boone ran away from deputies and was found hiding underneath a patio, authorities said. Boone was combative and uncooperative and had to be taken down with a stun gun, Amormino said. "He was yelling obscenities at deputies and had a strong smell of alcohol," Amormino said. "His blood-alcohol level was at least three times the legal amount."
It takes a special kind of stupid to drop your own draft stock without even being on the field.

Nathan Williams: PWNED By Department Store
Ohio State football player Nathan Williams was arrested on a misdemeanor count of theft in the Macy's store at the Mall at Fairfield Commons. According to an incident report from Beavercreek Police, Williams, 19, shoplifted three shirts valued at $80.
Oh, but don't worry, he was just "holding" the clothes for his buddy!

Antonio Henton: Too Poor For Cop Love
Alas, after the arrest, it all became clear. Apparently Mr. Henton’s classes have not paid off yet. He must have missed study table on the day the tutor went over addition and basic currency transactions. It seems that young Mr. Henton agreed to pay $20 for a piece of police officer pie, but only had $19 in his pocket.
Let this be a lesson...hookers are for schlubs that sit at their desks all day, not for quarterbacks.

Darrion Scott: Father Of The Year
Scott was arrested again on April 30, 2008 for suspicion of assault and malicious punishment of a child. Scott will face two felony charges and one misdemeanor charge. The boy's mother allegedly found Scott holding a dry cleaning bag over the child's head. Scott told police the two were playing a game with the bag, and Scott wanted to see if the boy could get the bag off his head by himself.
Wait a minute! My dad never played this game with me! Total bullshit, I think I would have been good at "get the plastic bag off my head". I feel so cheated.

Maurice Clarett: The Black Rambo
In the early morning hours of August 9, 2006, Clarett was arrested in Columbus after he made an illegal u-turn and led the police on a chase in an SUV reportedly belonging to his uncle. After driving over a police-mounted spike strip, the chase ended in a nearby restaurant parking lot. Police said they were forced to secure a cloth around Clarett's mouth after he allegedly spit at the officers and called them "n****rs" during the arrest. The officers discovered a katana, a loaded AK-47 and two other loaded handguns in his vehicle along with an open bottle of Grey Goose.
Nothing more can be said about this guy. What a class act!

Obviously, things like this happen everywhere. But I don't think that ALL of these happen in one place (maybe Florida State). And that is what makes Columbus special and extremely dangerous. Keep in mind, I didn't even mention the DUI's (Boone again! and Doug Worthington), the drug trafficking (TJ Downing and Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes), and the domestic violence (Holmes again!).

On this National Signing Day, I think it's appropriate to focus on the incoming Buckeyes recruiting class. I mean, really study it. Because you never know, the guy that signs on the dotted line today could be the guy that jumps you for ten bucks and your cell phone tomorrow.

Do you know how the USA Network advertises their shows by saying, "Characters Welcome"? I'm fairly certain that there's a sign outside of Jim Tressel's office that reads, "Got No Character? Welcome!"

It's always a great day when you can laugh and take shots at the Buckeyes...

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Time To Blow It Up?


I purposely did not mention this yesterday because I was saving it for this post. As some of you may have seen on Sunday before the Super Bowl, the Cavaliers invaded Detroit for a nice little appetizer before the main course of Big Ben dominating the Cardinals. The game was fairly dull through 3 quarters unless you are a big fan of missed shots, fouls, and stupid decisions by Sasha Pavlovic. But the Cavs put a hurtin' on the 'Stones in the 4th to win the game 90-80. The outcome isn't shocking eventhough the game was at The Palace. The Cavaliers are just a much better team even shorthanded. What was perplexing to me was how the Pistons "closed". It was like they just rolled over and died. And it has been happening all season for them. The once proud franchise is floundering in mediocrity right now and it's kind of sad. Let me clarify, I don't feel bad for them at all so I guess it doesn't make me sad. But I think that I've got the answer...as drastic as it may sound.

The Pistons need to start selling.

It's time for a youth movement and some fresh meat. Sure, they're going to make the playoffs, but they aren't going to win a series. The Hawks or the Heat will beat them easily. It's time to change things up. There are many things that need to be fixed, but let me explain why this team needs an enema:

1. Michael Curry is in way too far over his head - This is proving to be an awful hire. I said it when he was hired and I'll say it again: when a team is at the end of it's run of being championship caliber, a first time coach with barely any coaching experience is a horrible idea. A young coach needs to grow up with a young and upcoming team (like Mike Brown has). I bagged on Flip Saunders a lot over the years, but I guarantee you that these guys wouldn't be mailing in a 25-21 season right now if he were still coaching.

2. They have no identity on offense - All of their past successes were generally due to a well-oiled machine of an offense. They all played off of each other, made the extra pass, and had terrific chemistry. I don't even think they run plays anymore. And the reason for this is Allen Iverson. He's a one-on-one guy. He has never succeeded in an offense. He isn't a facilitator at all and he needs to shoot the ball constantly. Basically, he's a ballhog and it comes at the expense of Tayshaun post up's, Rip coming off screens, and the Sheed pick and pop's. Don't even get me started on how stupid it is to bring Hamilton off the bench and giving him only 25-28 minutes per game. Ridiculous. Rodney Stuckey can start next year.

3. Rasheed Wallace has either lost it or doesn't care anymore - You would think that a guy in a contract year might actually, you know, play well. Sheed isn't. In fact, he's playing worse than I've ever seen him play. Joe Dumars should be on the phones constantly trying to trade him. What about sending him to the Heat for Shawn Marion? They could play Amir Johnson, Maxiell, McDyess, etc. in the post while reinventing themselves as a running team with Marion, Stuckey, Iverson, Rip, and Prince. Sure, they would have a lot less bulk, but it would make them much more athletic. And for God's sake, at least they would know what kind of team that they are. I don't know, maybe that isn't the right fit but Rasheed probably needs to be moved.

4. That once staunch defense has gone far, far away - Don't get me wrong, the Pistons still play pretty good defense, but it isn't elite anymore. When Bron Bron used to take it to the rack, they would damn near murder him. Now, it's like a fucking sieve. Where did the intensity go?

Basically, this is a team full of square pegs in need of some new faces and a new identity. If you want to be a running team, then sell out and push it. If you want to play half-court and control tempo, then for God's sake cut Iverson's minutes. Joe Dumars has a lot of thinking to do in the next two weeks before the deadline. I honestly believe that standing pat with this roster is the absolute wrong action. That is an admission of defeat and telling your fanbase that you give up. I'm sure that the Pistons fans that read this site have been biting their tongues all year (Drew), let me know what you think.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Super Bowl XLIII Live Journal


Wow. What a game. Let's get right into my running diary/live journal of one of the many reasons why I fucking love the NFL.

Pregame:
6:15 First Brenda Warner sighting...looking fine!
6:17 Hey Faith Hill, it's "purple mountains majesty", not "purple mountain majesties". Idiot. Learn the fucking words, you terrorist.
6:21 Pretty good national anthem from Jennifer Hudson. And here come the Blue Angels! As Seymour Skinner says about them, "the biggest waste of American taxpayer's money!"

First Quarter:
6:27 Terry McAuley? Really? Was Jerome Booger busy? This guy is a terrible official.
6:32 Ben Roethlisberger, Miami University...always makes me smile
6:33 BIG pass to Hines Ward for 38 yards. I guess his knee is OK after all.
6:38 TOUCHDOWN BEN! Uh oh, could be a long night for the Cards. Whizzenator is challenging.
6:42 TD overturned, good call. WHY IS MIKE TOMLIN KICKING THE FIELD GOAL! Total bitch move.
6:48 Mike Gandy holds James Harrison. I'm setting to over/under on Gandy holding penalties at 3.5. I would take the over.
6:50 Ike Taylor says that he is from "Swaggin'"...way to perpetuate a steretype, douche. I don't even know what that means.
6:51 The Conan O'Brien Bud Light commercial was hilarious. Well done.
6:54 OHHHHHHHHH! Big Ben had Washington open deep but underthrew it. Shit!
6:57 GREAT PLAY BY BEN on 3rd and 10 to find Heath Miller. The kid knows how to dodge bullets, baby.
6:58 Willie Parker running the Wildcat? What an awful decision.
7:01 The Steelers are DOMINATING. 3-0 after the first.

Second Quarter:
7:06 Land of the Lost looks like the worst movie ever. Will Ferrell needs to go away for awhile.
7:08 Gary Russell scores a touchdown in the Super Bowl? Is this the bizarro world? Cousin Sal is going to be pissed.
7:12 The Budweiser Clydesdales have been making terrible commercials for a very long time. They need to send those horses to the glue factory.
7:17 Larry Fitzgerald has no catches and I don't even think they've thrown to him yet. Good job by Swaggin'.
7:20 HUGE pass from Warner to Boldin down to the 2.
7:21 Ben Patrick scores in the Super Bowl? If you parlayed that Patrick and Russell would both score, you would be a millionaire today. 10-7.
7:28 Big first down pass to Holmes, it's too bad that Chris Kemoeatu did what he does best...hold.
7:31 Long punt return by Steve Breaston. Mitch Berger still looks like a fetus.
7:33 Steelers finally get to Warner...it's Woodley.
7:39 Bud Light gives us a Drinkability skiing commercial in which guys skis into trees. Somewhere Sonny Bono is smiling. Probably in Hell.
7:41 Ben's pass gets deflected and Dansby picks it off. Uh oh, the Cards have the momentum.
7:45 NBC tells us that coming up at halftime, MATT MILLEN will be breaking down the first half! Lions fans everywhere vomit into their food stamps.
7:48 FINALLY, Fitz gets a catch.
7:51 HOLY SHIT! JAMES HARRISON PICKS OFF WARNER AND RUMBLES 100 YARDS FOR A TOUCHDOWN TO END THE HALF! WOW! SHAM-WOW!
7:54 First dumbass Madden quote of the night, "James Harrison ran like James Brown!" That makes absolutely no fucking sense at all. Well done, John. James Brown is dead.

Halftime:
8:05 Madden can not upstage that idiot Bruce Springsteen, "Is anyone alive out there?" Does he think that the crowd is half humans and half zombies? People from New Jersey are the worst.
8:20 Well, that halftime show was shallow and pedantic. I'm not a Boss fan though. It's always nice to see Silvio Dante and Max Weinberg.
8:24 Overstocked.com has Carlos Boozer doing commercials for them? Was Darko not available? It feels like they settled here.

Third Quarter:
8:32 Edge James is actually here and surprisingly running well. Who would've thunk it.
8:35 Warner fumbles! No, he didn't. That was an awful call and easy overturn.
8:42 Did someone say "CUBA GOODING, JR"!!! Hell yeah, the most famous Arizona Cardinal of all time is in the house!
8:46 Turn your heads, Browns fans, we've got a Hines Ward Smile Alert. And Madden just said that Hines "loves to play football"! He's just like Brett Favre!
8:50 Willie Parker with a big run and it's first and goal. I'm surprised by this because he's awful.
8:53 Horrible stupid penalty by Adrian Wilson on the field goal attempt giving the Steelers 4 more downs. Dumbass.
8:56 Didn't matter though, the Steelers redzone offense is rotten. Field goal good 20-7 Pittsburgh.
9:01 These are the worst commercials that I've ever seen. It was like they weren't even trying. Fucking Terrible.

Fourth Quarter:
9:04 I'm officially starting to get bored here. Something needs to happen soon otherwise I'm going upstairs and watching some porn.
9:06 Surprisingly, no Larry Fitz Sr. references yet. Madden must have forgot about the guy.
9:08 Hold #2 on Mike Gandy
9:10 Cardinals have to punt. I'm calling it now, this game is over.
9:12 Tom Green! Dennis Rodman! Andrew Dice Clay! Celebrity Apprentice is coming soon. You've got to be kidding me.
9:14 Another stupid penalty on the Cardinals. This is getting embarrassing.
9:17 The Polamalu/Coke Zero commercial is actually pretty funny.
9:19 There is the first Larry Sr. mention! It's about fucking time. That shitty newspaper has been waiting for their shout-out.
9:25 TOUCHDOWN FITZ! Maybe this isn't over yet? 20-14 Steelers
9:30 They brought up Larry's dad, but still no mention of Junior beating the shit out of his baby mama...when are they going to talk about that? Or Holmes' past as a Florida drug dealer?
9:31 Big sack by Dockett! The Steelers O-Line is abysmal.
9:34 MACGRUBER! I love those SNL sketches.
9:35 Stupid personal foul penalty by "Swaggin'"...I really hate that guy.
9:37 Hold #3 by Mike Gandy. Hell of a game by that young man.
9:39 Cardinals have got to punt and pray here. 2 first downs by the Steelers and this will be over. Nice punt downed at the 2. James Harrison just cost himself the MVP with his cheap shot personal foul penalty.
9:43 Did Willie Parker just get tackled in the end zone? Nope.
9:44 HUGE first down by Ben to Santonio. Wait, dumbass Hartwig was holding in the endzone. SAFETY! 20-16! The Steelers O-line is going to cost them the Super Bowl.
9:48 TOUCHDOWN FITZGERALD! Holy shit! How did he get that wide open? WOW! 23-20 Cardinals. I'm not sure that I'm ready to live in a world in which Arizona is a champion.
9:52 Another hold on the Steelers, that line fucking sucks ass.
9:55 Another BIG first down by Holmes
9:57 Santonio with a big run down to the 5 with 43 seconds left!
10:00 TOUCHDOWN! BIG BEN TO SANTONIO! AMAZING FANTASTIC TITS BONER CATCH! WOW! Holmes does the LeBron "powder" TD celebration! Holy fucking shit! 27-23 Steelers! I think I just simultaneously pissed, shat, and nutted in my shorts! I'm a real triple threat!
10:06 Fitz gets a first down, they need 56 more yards to win this thing.
10:08 Warner fumbles! Steelers recover! Tomlin gets the Gatorade bath!
10:09 Steelers get Super Bowl win #6! What a great 4th quarter! Fuck yeah!

Wow. Even if you hate the Steelers, you have to admit that that was an amazing football game. Both quarterbacks were fantastic. Both running games blew ass. Fitzgerald and Holmes kept trying to one-up each other. Both offensive lines sucked. The defenses both played fairly well with the exception of dumb penalties. It had it all. Personally, that was a better game than last year's. At least in my opinion. And let's end this debate now, Ben Roethlisberger is an elite top-3 QB in the league. You can say that he can't ride a motorcycle or whatever, but the guy is a flat-out stud that justs wins. HE HAS TWO SUPER BOWLS IN HIS FIRST 5 YEARS! Neither of the retard Manning's can say that. Neither can Brees, McNabb, Romo, etc. It's time to give the guy the love that he has earned.

Finally, I decided to throw my hat back in the ring and make some bets. It had been awhile since I did this, but I put money down on 5.
Steelers -6.5 (lost)
Willie Parker over 84.5 rushing (lost)
Willie Parker over a HALF yard receiving (lost, thanks, jerk)
Fitz getting over 27 yards more than Hines Ward (WIN!)
and finally...

SANTONIO HOLMES TO WIN THE MVP! 15:1 ODDS! WIN! WIN! WIN! I'm in the fucking money! I'm going to go out and buy my very own Thai hooker. YOU OWE ME SOME COIN, BETUS.COM!!!

What a great Super Bowl (the game and more importantly, my finances). STEELERS, BITCH!