Monday, December 21, 2009

The Worst Of Week Fifteen Vol.III

(Ocho, if you want to connect spiritually with Chris Henry, Heaven is the last place that you would find him.)

No small story this week. You don't want to hear about my family Christmas yesterday anyway. Let's just say that the topic of colonoscopies was brought up by my father which lasted for a solid 5 minutes. It was pure Hell. No, I need to get something off of my chest.

What the bloody fuck were you thinking, Mike Tomlin!!! An onside kick late in the 4th quarter when you have the lead? This was an even dumber move than Belichick going for it in Indy. This...was...retarded. What even made Tomlin think that they would recover it? His special teams are widely considered to be the worst in the history of the Special Olympics, yet he thought that NOW would have been a great time to execute an extremely high risk play? That was just stupid. Fortunately, he has a stud QB that he can fall back on who just so happened to burn the #1 defense in the league for over 500 yards. That was a great game which somehow was not ruined by Tomlin's fucktardery. But Big Ben can't save everyone. Oh no. Here are the biggest offenders of the weekend:

5. Matt Hasselbeck - No one really ever talks about the Seahawks and there is a good reason. They are terrible. For some bizarre reason, the RedZone channel kept showing plays from the Hawks/Bucs game yesterday. It was fucked up. In fact, they show Seahawks games every week. It is the only true drawback of the channel. I'm telling you, Hasselbeck is fucking done. He isn't even serviceable anymore. He is a pick-throwing corpse. If you were wondering why Mike Holmgren would rather work for the Browns than the Seahawks, it's because Seattle is completely fucked and will be for awhile. Seriously. They lost at home to TAMPA BAY BY THREE SCORES.

4. Brian Dawkins and the rest of the Broncos D - There is a reason why I am done gambling. Charlie Frye. Starting for the Raiders. In Denver. Yet somehow that fucking team wins. Unbelievable. And when Frye got hurt, Chocolate Thunder came in and finished off his 3rd fourth quarter comeback in his career. Did you realize that Russell had done that even once? Now he has a hat trick. May God have mercy on us all. I was watching Sportscenter on Tuesday night this week and one of the anchors said, "This just in: The Raiders have signed JP Losman". This is not breaking news. This barely qualifies as news. Yet JP got a snap yesterday and it was just as awful as I remembered. Oh, and file this away, gamblers. Whenever you see that Gus Johnson is calling a game, that game will always be decided by a field goal or less...GUARANTEED.

3. The Chicago Bears - Speaking of franchise's that need an enema! They needed cleansed last year but instead they packed in more poop by signing Pace and trading for Sulky Joe Interception. They aren't even competitive anymore. The Bears have clearly quit on Lovie (who should be getting his mercy firing this week). They are unwatchable and have been almost all season. The topic of Cutler's shittiness came up at Xmas. My dad blames a lack of credible WR's. I say that it doesn't matter because Cutler is stupid and prefers throwing to cornerbacks...which makes Hester the best possible WR for him to have. Either way, well done, Redskins, for not bringing this loser in last year. Jay Cutler is a turd sandwich. And I would know, too. That is what I'm bringing to The Money Shot's Christmas Party this year.

2. Todd Haley - What in the hell is going on with the Browns and their penchant for playing exciting games? You would think that the Chiefs and Browns wouldn't even get a tv crew to show up, but there they are, being all entertaining and whatnot. Now, no one denies that Todd Haley looks like the biggest asshole in the world. He screams constantly and generally behaves like a jackass. You can get away with that when you are smart. Continuously kicking the ball deep to Josh Cribbs and not making Homo Quinn beat you, is about as dumb as it gets. Cribbs is the ONLY weapon that the Browns have. Kicking the ball out of bounds and letting them start at the 40 is a better option. The QB had 4 more passing yards than some guy on the Chiefs named "Cottam" had receiving yards! Why are you letting the guy that I keep calling James Harrison run for 600 yards??? By far, that was the worst non-Tomlin coaching job of the day.

1. Drew Brees - Damn. This was supposed to be the team. These were supposed to be the guy's that made Mercury Morris kill himself. Nobody wants to see the Colts go undefeated. It is my belief that everyone secretly hates the Colts because we are all jealous of them. And that is why I want them to crash and burn. Anyway, the Saints were just horrendous. 17 points at home? Brees was awful. His receivers were dropping everything. Reggie Bush strained his cunt. It was just a real shit show. And don't even get me started on that defense. Seriously, someone needs to kill Marion Barber. That's right. I said it. Kill him. He acts like, well, he acts like Todd Haley. I guess my real gripe here is that the Cowboys actually played well in December. I love stereotypes and them sucking this month is always one of my favorites. I will never forgive the Saints for making Tony Romo look like a decent QB. Inexcusable. But this is what the Cowboys do. They will follow this mega-win up with a loss to an uber-shitty Redskins team next Sunday night. Mark it down. Book that fucker. These are the Cowboys and this is what they do.

Skins on Monday Night tonight...fuck yeah. I am asking that the Redskins lose tonight on purpose. Sure, I will be OK with a win, but if the Redskins need to lose to keep the Giants alive and thus could keep Dallas out of the postseason, I would be down with that. My hatred for Jerry Jones runs deep.

But a Mike Shanahan team rolls over for NO ONE. Graham Gano wins it at the gun...20-17.


Grumpy said...

Tomlin's move was pure genius. He kicks it deep, the Pack scores anyway and there isn't any time left. Move them 30 yds. closer and they leave Ben enough time to do what he does. That's why he's coaching the The League and you're sitting in a cubicle somewhere.

Dustin said...

No, Grumpy. The only reason Tomlin is coaching and G$ is in a cubicle is because of the Rooney rule. I think we all know that G$ is a better candidate.

That move by Tomlin is one of the worst I've ever seen. Almost as bad as me cutting jerome harrison this week to start Chris Jennings!

PS- great opening line today!

Mr. Ace said...

How did Dut's fantasy move not make the Worst of?

Tomlin's mistake was depending on some drunken kicker to get the ball 10 yards down the field. He knows how terrible his defense is. It was a stupid move, but not as stupid as everyone is making it out to be.

Don't you ever disrespect Brian Dawkins again.

KPietsch said...

Lets not forget to add Tom Brady to the list.

GMoney said...

Grump, Dut is right. I am more qualified than Tomlin but he is blacker than me so he took MY job. That was ridiculously stupid. Hell, Crosby misses every other kick, kick the fucking ball deep.

Dut, thanks...I knew that that was a great line. I was just hoping that someone would compliment it.

Harrison will be on my team next weekend FOR THE NIT WIN!!!

Grumpy said...

I'm dealing with morons.

Tony B. said...

You had another great line in there about Devin Hester being a great WR for Cutler because Jay likes throwing to cornerbacks. I enjoyed that one too.

Dude- I'm never betting on or against the Raiders ever again. Whichever way you go, it doesn't matter, you will lose no matter what.

SSReporters said...

Thank you GMoney. This post had to be made.

To bad our pussy Seattle Sports Media is blaming this crap on Deion Branch.


Fire Mora and cut Hasselbeck. He's the new Shaun Alexander.

SSReporters said...

The backwards fumble/lateral thing he tried to do yesterday almost made me explode.

Time to take him out of his misery and put him down Ol' Yeller style.

Mr. Ace said...

The Seahawks haven't been relevant since my boy, Kelly Herndon, was locking down the corner spot.

SSReporters said...

Oh don't remind me of that stiff. Never forgive him for whiffing on a blitz as he tried to sack Alex Smith. ALEX SMITH! Bang he throws a touchdown and we lose the game.

We need to be blown up or moved to Oklahoma City.

GMoney said...

Jesus, it sounds like Seahawks fans are ready to commit city-wide suicide*.

*Please do this, Boston and Dallas.

Tony B. said...

I think there's a Timothy McVeigh joke somewhere in that last comment...

Mr. Ace said...