Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tiger Talks! Tiger Woods First Interview...uh, ACEterview

Let me start this off with a joke Lil Strut told me while at the Stube Saturday night...What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa Claus usually stops at three Ho's! BaZING! Please question Lil Strut's manhood and/or sexuality next time you see him. Now to the ACEterview you have all been waiting for...

ME: Well hello there Eldrick, glad you could take some time to sit down for an interview. I would shake your hand but I didn't bathe in paint thinner today.
Tiger Woods: Ace, I assure you, you have nothing to worry about. My hands are clean.
ME: Too bad you can't say the same thing about your dick, eh? I'm just kidding. Alright, I'll shake your hand. I'm the one with my own gametes all over my hand anyways. Speaking of my gametes, how's your wife?
TW: Just fine, she is in the bathroom. She will be in here in a sec.
ME: Eldrick, are you fucking retarded? You know the kinds of interviews I do, right? My interviews will make the Tiger porn parody look like The Lion King.
TW: Ace, it's alright. I have told her everything...she can't speak English! She is like a trained fuck monkey. Sure, she can say some things, but she can't actually think for herself. And Ace, you can call me Tiger.
ME: I think I will call you Eldrick. And I think I will call your wife Swedish Tits. I have never heard of a trained fuck monkey...but it sounds dangerous...and exhilarating all at the same time.
TW: How dare you disrespect my wife like that! She is the mother of my children.
ME: Are you high? Judging by where your dick has been she probably has herpes from 12 different vagina's inside her.
TW: I'm just joking. I'll make sure she takes her shirt off before she sits down.

(Elin walks in the door)
TW: Sweetie, take shirt off now.
(Shirt comes off)
ME: Sweet Swedish Milkjugs...I wouldn't leave home if I were you.
TW: You would if you wanted a porn stars tongue in your ass.
ME: Yeah...wait, what?
TW: You would if you wanted some reality show skank to call up an entire cast of sluts.
ME: Maybe, but-
TW: And have all of them stick their tongue's in your ass.
ME: Okay, but-
TW: Or have them squirt tabasco sauce in your ass.
ME: Dude, what the-
TW: And then have them stick their tongue's in your ass.
ME: Stop it, dammit. I can't stare at your wife's tits and have thoughts of tongues in your ass keep fucking it up.

ME: Speaking of your wife, can you have her do some jumping jacks or something? It seems like a waste to just have her sitting here doing nothing.
TW: Sure. Elin, get those things bouncin'.
ME: Eldrick, tell me a story. The greatest story you can possibly think of.
TW: Alright...are you ready for this?
ME: You know damn well I am. As long as it has nothing to do with your ass.

TW: Right before this past U.S. Open I get a call from Mickelson balling his eyes out talking about his wife. Just screaming at the top of his lungs about how a boobless woman can't really be a woman. He said he needed a guys night to get his mind right...which means he wanted big titted hookers and some cheap whiskey. And, of course, he knew I was the go-to guy for his needs.
ME: I thought you hated him.
TW: Oh no, I love Lefty. Where do you think I got my insatiable appetite for pussy from?
ME: Mickelson gave you an insatiable appetite for pussy?That's weird .
TW: You know what I mean. Stop interrupting. So I got the boys around and got some ladies for entertainment. Even Jesper's queer ass was there with his head buried in some 15 year olds snatch. But I saved the hottest young lady just for Lefty...huge knockers, blond hair, no personality, and a speech impediment.
ME: Where do you find these girls?
TW: Usually on the playground. Gotta get them early.
ME: I thought Drew was the only one...
TW: So I send Lefty into the room where his girl is waiting and everything seems to be going fine. Five minutes later the girl is screaming, or mumbling really loud, and Lefty emerges from the room with slime all over his hands and a look on his face that you might have if you just found a strap-on in your parents room. So I walk into the room and there the girl lays, tied to the bed. I get a little closer and I see that her enormous double D's have turned into B's and this broad is covered in silicone.
ME: Jesus Christ.
TW: Apparently Lefty got his hands on those sweater puppies and squeezed them like Florida oranges.
ME: So what did you do? What did she tell her doctor when she showed up with busted boobs?
TW: Hell if I know. I finished the job the Lefty started and stuck it to her. For all I know she died on that bed. At least I hope she did...I didn't pull out.
ME: And people say you're not a good role model...
TW: Wouldn't have been the first woman I had to punch a woman in the stomach if you know what I mean.
ME: No, what do you mean Eldrick?
TW: I mean I have scrambled so many baby brains that the anti abortion nutjobs should be bombing my house as we speak.
ME: Why wouldn't anybody want to sponsor you? I don't get it.

ME: Well, Eldrick, I'm really glad you took time to do this interview. And I'm really glad you brought your wife, but couldn't you have waited 'til you left before you penetrated her?
TW: Sorry man, I'm a sex addict. It's my vice. You're lucky I did bring her. Or else I might have been slipping an Ambien in your drink.
ME: Well. I really don't know what to say at this point.
TW: You want in on this action or what?
ME: You bet your ass I do.
TW: Oh man, this takes me back to the good ol' days. I remember all the fun I used to have when I was a kid tag teaming some strange with my pops.
ME: Now that's what I call a role model.

R.I.P. Earl Woods

Also, today is the eight year mark for mine and Mrs. Ace's relationship. Please let her know how awesome I am sometime today.

18 comments:

Grumpy said...

Does Mrs. Ace know what a sick fuck she's living with? Great interview though.

GMoney said...

It's about time someone called out those breast cancer survivors! Those bitches be riding on their high horse all the time. Jesus Christ.

Li'l Strut likes tongue up his ass, too. At least that's what Dut tells me.

rstiles said...

Nothing like some tongue up the ole pooper....

Mr. Ace said...

Nothing like a little rusty trombone action.

I'm sure Dut learned from one of the best how to toss salad. I bet he is an expert in that field.

Anonymous said...

The best part about it is, if you close your eyes, you can pretend it is whoever you want it to be.

-Lil' Strut

Anonymous said...

My question is why did he get married? Just to have a little Tiger that's going to end up costing him 300 million and will probably never see when this is all done. He was obviously like this before marrige and had to know he would get caught eventually.

J Saul

GMoney said...

He got married for the same reason that a stud like myself got married...for the tax break.

Mr. Ace said...

If he was bachelor who was going around banging all kinds of broads in the public eye how do you think his endorsements would look?

He had to put up the front of a good wholesome family man to get the money pouring in. Well played, Tiger.

Tony B. said...

And reports came out this morning about Tiger and performance enhancing drugs? That fool is fucked.

Anonymous said...

Ace...nice try on the Drew name drop. It won't help get you any of my followers though.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Slaying hoes the way Tiger is usually only comes out when it's a scandal because he's married. How many athlete celebrities are out there slaying away and never makes the news. Even ones with endorsemmts. What companies that sponsor him are doing it because of his wholesome family man image?Nike? Accenture only hired him because he was good at golf, now that he's leaving golf for a while it no longer makes any sense. He's not sponsored by the catholic faith.

J Saul

J Saul

Mr. Ace said...

He's a fucking billionaire because of his endorsements! Before his "transgressions" he was the most endorsable person in the history of the world. Seriously.

Drew, I had no idea you were a cult leader...although I'm not shocked.

Anonymous said...

I never argued that. I was just saying there was a time when he wasn't married and he was still
being endorsed. I'm pretty sure he swooped up most of those endorsements when he was single becuse of his golf
game. I asked which endorsements did he get because he was a family man? I'm certian he was slaying hoes left and right when he was single but it never made the news. You think he was a virgin when he got married? And then decided it was so fun I need 13 more g/fs?

Tax break makes sense, fuckers probably cheating on those too.

J Saul

Tony B. said...

I think more people should use "slaying hoes" on a regular basis.

Mr. Ace said...

Of course he was a virgin. Then he got a taste of the pussy and started slaying hoes. It makes perfect sense.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

How much for mrs.ace to suck me off?

Anonymous said...

piracy affects porn but it's still winner during the crunch


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