Thursday, December 17, 2009

She Wants My Big 'Uns


By now, the world has learned that G$'s team, Big 'Uns, failed to qualify for the postseason in the G$FL. I'm not really sure what went wrong as I had the third highest scoring team in the league yet finished 6-7-1. I guess it was just one of those years. Apparently, I just play rotten "defense" when it comes to fantasy football. In that aspect, I am like the Phoenix Suns. I'll put up points like a motherfucker, but in the end, I can't stop you. Could I piss and moan about Peyton Manning throwing TWO 1-yard TD passes this past week in my elimination game or that the Skins tackled Zack Miller at the one fucking inch line? Sure, I could, but listening to people gripe about their imaginary teams is pointless. Fuck it, if I didn't, I wouldn't have a post today.

So many people let me down this season. I should just trade my first round pick every year because I never draft anyone good. Take this year for example. I debated between taking Brady or Brees at 5. Guess which one I picked? If I take Brees like any normal person would have done, I likely have a bye. I followed that up with a lovely 2nd round pick of Brian Westbrook. I will never draft this black Merril Hoge again. I made up for that with some saavy mid-round pick-ups of Cedric Benson and Ricky Williams. Ced was great in the first 8 weeks but killed me when I needed him most. Damn me for thinking that he was solid. The thing that is weighing most on my conscience right now is my defense. I lost this past week by 7 points. I chose to pick-up the Cardinals defense because they played on MNF (I like having at least one guy playing the last game of the week). My other option was the Titans. Had I known that Keith fucking Null was starting for the Rams, I would have chosen Tennessee in a heartbeat. They would have put me in the playoffs.

Needless to say, I just didn't make very good decisions this season which is why I'm already preparing for next season. But don't think that I just talk fantasy football here on the intertubes. Oh no. I take it home with me as well. I bore the shit out of She$ with random nonsense about matchups and yardage and other shit. While I was lamenting my G$FL season being over at the dinner table on Tuesday, this conversation took place (as close to word-for-word as I can remember at least):

She$: How about this...next year I will give you a list of players to take and you pick from that.
G$: (laughing hysterically) Absolutely not.
She$: Why not? Aren't you always terrible in your league anyway?
G$: How dare you! (still laughing uncontrollably) I've got a title and a runner-up in the past 5 years!
She$: Well, I think you should let me help.
G$: No. But, (still laughing) how would you propose that this would happen...which it will not.
She$: I'll give you a list and you should pick 6 guys off of it.
G$: SIX GUYS!!!
She$: Well how many roster spots are there?
G$: 18! You aren't picking a third of my roster. You aren't picking 1/18th of my roster!
She$: Why not? I think that this is a good idea. We are partners after all.
G$: We are partners in many things, I agree. But we will absolutely NEVER be fantasy football partners. I'm interested though. What players would you put on your "list" that you would want on my team other than Hines Ward?
She$: Donald Driver.
G$: (shocked that she knows who this is) He's fucking old as shit!
She$: That Crabtree guy then.
G$: OK, he's a decent player.
She$: And that guy for the Titans with the long hair.
G$: You mean Chris Johnson.
She$: Yes. Get him.
G$: You mean the guy who will probably be the first or second pick in every fantasy draft next year? You want me to get him. I would take him #1 overall if I had the pick. Good call there. I SHOULD take the best RB in the game.
She$: I'm just saying, you should take him.
G$: How about this. I will do the dishes tonight if you refuse to ever bring up this conversation ever again.

This wasn't even a fake interview, people. My wife seriously wants to be a secret partner of mine. These are the kinds of things that happen when you get married. You find out that your wife has a weird infatuation with a smiling "Blietnamese" guy who likes to play dirty and she expects to run part of your fantasy team. This is awful.

Make sure you stop in tomorrow as Mr. Ace is unveiling his bowl previews/contest. Sounds like a good idea and that's saying a lot because I hate all of his ideas.

16 comments:

Grumpy said...

She sounds smarter than you. And you should wash the dishes every night anyway.

GMoney said...

Pffft, that's pussy talk.

Vinny Cerrato has stepped down from ruining the Redskins and the Chris Henry story is going to end badly...today is going to be a good day.

Anonymous said...

She likes Chris Johnson and Donald Driver huh? She must be sneaking peaks at my team while she's blowing me.

--Drew

MUDawgfan said...

Jogging on a treadmill and watching espn yesterday after work.
I see on the bottom crawl that "Bengal seriously injured in car accident; on life support"

My initial thought was: "Fuck - I hope it's not Benson. I'm going to need him this week."

First round in hell is on me fellas. All they serve is Natural Ice.

GMoney said...

That might have been a little over the top there, Drew. It's going to be fun rooting against you this weekend.

Dawg, why do I not feel that bad about Henry??? I should, but then again, he DID stick it to a 15 year old.

Mr. Ace said...

Greatest fantasy football pickup ever this year? Mr. Ace snagging Chris Henry this morning off the waiver wire! How awesome am I?

And fuck you G$, why the hell would you pick up Jackson? I wanted to put our queermissioner in a tough spot and see what he would do. You suck.

Mr. Ace said...

Dut is running the DFL with an iron fist.

Anonymous said...

I just read that he died.

J Saul

GMoney said...

What a necessary comment, Jon.

Ace, I am going to win the NIT bracket.

rstiles said...

I was sitting at #5 in my draft and took DeAngelo Williams

Fuck DeAngelo Williams...the mutherfucker killed me this year!!!!....I hope he rips his ACL....

Anonymous said...

G$...shut it. You know what's over the top? You having a league full of douchers that let Chris Johnson fall to me at the 12 pick.

I'm going against Kurt Warner this week...who just so happens to be going against the Lions...which is bad news for me. Good thing I'm starting the pimp known as Arian Foster.

This Chris Henry coverage is nauseating. You know that he was beating her and she was driving to get away from his scumbag ass.

--Drew

Dustin said...

The commish already put an end to the chris henry move. It would have been fine if you didn't drop desean jackson!

G$- you scored the 3rd most points because u had 2 weeks that you unleashed the fiery. Every other week you sucked ballsack.

GMoney said...

Henry is a pedophile who happened to be a mediocre pass catcher as well. Let's celebrate his life. After all, he DID go 18 months without getting arrested.

It is sad that it ended this way, but I will not join the pity party who thinks that he was turning his life around. Chris Henry was a loser (who just so happened to be on two of my three fantasy teams this year!).

Dustin said...

Drew- you starting foster? I picked him up in my other league but I don't know what to do with him. I got foster, chris jennings, justin forsett, and freddy jackson. I gotta start 2 of the 4...

If somebody picks the best 2 and I win, I will buy you something nice.

Mr. Ace said...

Redskins hire Bruce Allen...that was quick.

Nate B. said...

How many points would it have earned him, had he made the jump into the truck bed?