Thursday, December 24, 2009
It's better late than never I suppose but it's time for this site to give out gifts to it's faithful commenters. Notice that I said commenters. Last year, we were blessed by the presence of "Santa Blogs". This year, he couldn't make it so he sent his evil twin, St. Prick, instead. He is not as gracious as you will see.
If you weren't included in the giveaway, feel free to poop in your hand and consider that your present. I'm putting this together hastily and I don't have time (or desire) to determine which commenters get a "present" from St. Prick this year. On to the gifts:
To The Wig Master - You seem like a guy who would get great joy out of Richie Sambora's double guitar. Which is why you get Kip Winger's underwear.
To Damman - A loss this week in the G$FL playoffs is in store for you. It better fucking be. I will also hook you up with the "Best of Eric Wedge Press Conferences" DVD.
To Grumpy - You've been quite the salty dog in the comments recently so I'm just going to kick you in the nuts with a square-toed kicking shoe.
To Tony B - Last year you asked for a 1989 Jerome Walton jersey. Instead, you will get a 1989 Dwight Smith jersey smeared with feces.
To Drew - I want to give you a time machine so that you can go back to this event and live out all of your pre-teen homoerotic fantasies by banging the bejeezus out of Zeke and Laimbeer.
To Beanie - A bottle of Shaq's sweat seems fitting for the few times in which you do not smell like black man-love.
To Li'l Strut - How about a weekend trip to Maurice Clarett's jail cell with conjugal privileges? Maybe that will teach you something about integrity and make you a Tebow fan.
To Jeff - I am going to give you the writing ability to actually make a post on "The Original Grogsta". You still owe me ten bucks from the USC game, too, queer. St. Prick wants his money.
To Pietsch - I'm buying you a house. Well, it's more like a tent. Well, it's more like Carlos Silva's pants. But at least you can fit 40 people under it.
To Seal - I'm just going to give your UK basketball team it's NCAA sanctions for recruiting violations now as opposed to waiting four years. No need to wait. Just get them over with and we can all move on. I was also going to give you some time alone with Ashley Judd but Cletus T. Judd is probably more up your alley anyway.
To Dut - Last year, you asked for an inappropriate e-mail from Phil Savage. So I will honor your request by giving you a dinner date with "Female Steelers Blob". Sex is mandatory. Take or receive, whichever you prefer. Probably receive. Be careful, she looks like a chewer.
To Mr. Ace - I saved the best for last. Since you have helped me run the site over the past 6+ months, I want to give you something that means a lot to me. You will receive my "game worn" sweatpants that I wear almost everyday and wash about once a month. There are food stains on them. The crotch is wearing thin. There might even be some traces of poo and piss weaved into the fabric. They would go great with your ridiculous Manu Ginobili jersey. They mean the world to me. But I want you to have them. You've earned it. And I'm not going to pay you anyway.
As for me, I only want one thing and the sad thing is that I don't have a clue if I'm going to get it. But I won't know if I get it until July. I just want LeBron to stay in Cleveland. That's it.
Seriously though, I hope that all of you have a happy holiday and we will be back Monday with the first installment of the decade retrospectus. Don't forget to get your bowl picks in below.