Friday, December 11, 2009
I’ve had this idea planned for awhile now but have finally gotten around to acting on it. Whether it be the baseball playoffs or football or masturbation marathons or Jersey Shore, I just haven’t set aside the proper time to do what I’m best at. If you remember, and I’m quite certain that all of you do, we ran an interview with “Dut’s Dad” a few weeks back that apparently did not go over real well inside Dut’s extended family. Everyone else loved it though. Oh well. I’ll tell you what I told Dut, blame Mr. Ace. But with that said, I thought that it would only be fair if we heard from the other side of the story here. That is why I decided to bring Dut along with me to interview the lovely Mrs. Ace to find out some juicy details regarding the life of The Money Shot’s least favorite writer/commenter/human being. What follows is not for the weak.
G$: Mrs. Ace, I want to thank you for taking some time away from hammering your box to talk today.
Mrs. Ace: No problem, but can you please put your pants back on?
G$: Oh, sorry about that. I forgot that I’m not on a porno set.
Mrs. Ace: And can you please tell Dut to stop chewing on the couch?
G$: Knock it off, retard!
Dut: (eating his own boogers) Can I haz some ice cream?
G$: So. Mr. Ace. You two are engaged. You recently moved to Columbus. It’s pretty clear to the both of us that you just love to make horrible decisions.
MA: Take it easy. Don’t tell him that I said this, but I’m only in it for the discounted tools.
G$: You’ve been stringing this bum along all these years for cheap vise grips?
MA: You know it. It’s going to be awesome breaking that shithead’s heart after I’ve assembled the bitchin’est tool box ever. I hope to do it while he’s standing at the altar on our wedding day. How ironic will it be to lock everyone in the church with tools that I got from Ace and then burn it to the ground like they did in The Patriot?
G$: That’s not ironic at all. That is really fucking suck. Jesus doesn’t like it when you burn his house down with, you know, a bunch of people inside.
MA: Whatever, pussy. Your fag buddy, Dut, is humping your leg, by the way.
G$: Oh, God dammit. These pants are ruined.
(hits Dut in the face with a 2X4 that is laying around for some reason)
MA: I wouldn’t touch that if I were you.
G$: Why not? Did he nut on this thing, too?
MA: No, but I have been shoving it up Mr. Ace’s ass for the past five years.
G$: What the fuck?
MA: Yep. My fiancé loves it when I ram a 2X4 up his ass. If you chip off some of the poo, blood, and lard, you can see that he wrote “The Madden Cruiser” on it. It’s his ode to John Madden and all the fine work he has done for Ace.
G$: This might be the sickest thing that I’ve ever seen/heard. Can I use some of that Purell?
MA: I wouldn’t use that either. The bottle is just filled with his semen. He washes his face with it.
G$: He gives himself a facial…nice. Why doesn’t he clean that fucking board?
MA: I’ve asked him that before. His response? “Recycled poop makes the best lubricant”. He truly believes this. If there is enough old shit on there, I can usually fit about 80% of the wood in his ass.
G$: What does that quote even mean!!! This is not normal behavior!!!
MA: Tell me about it. But he likes it and it shuts him up. And the only tolerable Ace is a silent Ace.
G$: Hacksaw Jim Duggan would be appalled to see what you are doing with a 2X4. I can handle some pretty sick shit, but taking a small tree up the ass is making me squeamish.
(We take a few minutes to spit on a still unconscious Dut)
G$: Seriously, you fuck this loser?
MA: No. I fuck Brett Favre.
G$: Oh God, I don’t even know where this is going.
MA: We have never had relations in which I did not make him put on a Brett Favre mask first.
MA: Ever. I like to play out fantasies in which I’m folding Wrangler jeans or playing football with my boys and then “Brett” comes up and rapes me.
G$: Your fantasy is to be raped by Brett Favre?
MA: And how!
G$: You are no different than any other Packers fan.
MA: Actually, I’m not going to answer any more of your questions until you put on this Charles Woodson mask and black strap-on.
G$: Fortunately, I brought both of those items with me. I never leave the house without them.
MA: Let’s continue then.
G$: So basically you are telling me that the only reason that you are marrying Mr. Ace is because of his access to cheap tools and that he is willing to dress up like someone you actually respect and admire?
MA: Sounds about right.
G$: I’ve got to be honest here, you don’t sound like a very good person. But you know what , he deserves this so we’re cool. I mean, what kind of an asshole owns a Ron Jaworski Eagles jersey anyway?
MA: Did you know that his testicles didn’t descend until he was in college?
G$: NOW we’re talking…go on.
MA: Yeah, until he was 19, his parents called him Andrea. Hell, when we first started dating, I thought I was scissoring with a full blown bull-dyke. It was so hot and steamy. And when they fell, that’s when I got the mask out. I still long for the days when I would lick his snizz all night long.
G$: This is some great stuff. Mr. Ace was raised as Ms. Ace!
MA: Pretty much. Hell, he fooled me. I thought that what is now his dick was actually just a big clit.
G$: Outstanding. This really makes up for having a gallon of Dut’s DNA on my shin right now.
G$: Last question. What does the future hold for Mr. And Mrs. Ace if you end up marrying him?
MA: Well, it would be nice if he could get a job. He got fired from his job as “glory hole operator” at The Plugged Nickel because he kept using his teeth. I’m trying to set him up with some lonely old guys on Craigslist. He’ll probably just do what he always does…make asinine remarks on blogs for 8 hours a day.
G$: Aren’t they the worst.
(door opens; in come The Brothers Strut and Daniel…they do not look happy)
MA: Is it time for the gangbang already?
G$: The fuck? Looks like it’s time to wrap this interview up and get out of here before my Madden gets cruised. Mrs. Ace, thanks for the time today and good luck satisfying these three and that homo, Dut.
MA: Hey, no problem. Tell the world my story.
G$: Will do. Have fun with these limp dicks.
Dut: I CALL THE BUTT!
G$: I’m sure you do. Isn't that your family's motto anyway?
Well…there was that. Better or worse than the first interview? This one was definitely more vulgar. I like it when they’re vulgar.