Monday, November 16, 2009
There is this broad that lives a few houses down from me that pisses me off. Sure, she's sort of trashy cute, rarely wears a bra, and I would bet is a lesbian, but she angers me to no end. See, she has a little pug yet has no idea what she's doing. At least once a week, the little bastard will get free and run through the neighborhood just asking to get leveled by a car. Again, this happens EVERY week. And she goes after him half-assed. And after about 10 minutes, she will just quit. Which usually leads to the dog making a home in G$'s yard and pissing in my bushes. What the fuck is wrong with this woman? I'm not blaming the dog...he's just a dog. Get your fucking shit in order, floppy tits, because if I see that dog get hit by a truck while I'm watching football in my well-crafted ass groove recliner, I'm coming after you. Hard. I will shove a 2 foot long wooden dagger up your rug-munching box. Bitch.
Anyway, in case you were wondering about that high school game I went to on Friday night, my Cats lost a 6-3 heartbreaker to a team that dressed exactly like Boston College. It wasn't even that close. Most boring game I've ever seen...and that's saying a lot. But enough of that, it's time to talk about the NFL's worst of the weekend (extended edition!).
7. Matt Ryan - You may not have noticed, but Matty Ice has had a very, very average season during his sophomore campaign. Oh, let's be honest, he's been bad. I don't really get it. I assume it's a slump and will give him the benefit of the doubt. But he was outplayed by Jake Delhomme yesterday and that is not tolerable. And for God's sake, Arthur Blank, either grow a mustache or don't!
6. Andy Reid - Who knew that when HERM! Edwards was fired, he would be reincarnated as a fat ass. Reid seems to be getting worse every game. The ax should fall after this season in which the Eagles will not make the playoffs. He has done a terrible job. He has no idea how to use Mike Vick. He hasn't won a challenge since 2002. He can't get his team to get perform in short yardage situations. He kicks field goals from fourth and inches from inside the 5 yard line. RichRod is a better coach than Reid.
5. The Injury Bug - Holy sweet Jesus...were there a lot of injuries yesterday or what? And not just tackles and linebackers but big time fantasy players. CedBen went down...as did Hair Polamalu...and Burner Turner...and Ronnie Brown...and Mark Colombo...and Jordan Gross...and Brian Westbrook (who is headed to IR after two concussions in three weeks)...and your mom. Brutal. The waiver wire is going to be burning up in your fantasy leagues this coming week.
4. Jay Cutler - 5 picks against the Niners. 17 picks in nine games. Still a below .500 record as a starter in the league. This guy is terrible. I don't care how hard he can throw a football. No sane coach wants a fucking "gun slinging moron" behind center. He's going to cost Lovie Smith his job (Lovie will play a big role in his firing as well though).
3. The Steelers - Settling for field goals always leads to losses. I was going to blame Big Ben for this but every one on that team had a hand in gift-wrapping the North to the Bingles. Ben had to be better. The defense needed to make stops in the 4th and couldn't. Jeff Reed continues to embarrass himself on special teams. Seriously, if he isn't even going to try and tackle someone, they need to get a new kicker. He's a fucking FOOTBALL player. Why does it always seem like the Stillers give up a special teams or defensive TD each week?
2. Tony Romo - You're an idiot if you thought that the Cowboys were good. This is what they do. They reel everyone in to think that they are good and they shit their pants. And then they pick the shit out of their jocks and smear it on their teeth. Let's see, the Pack give up 38 points to the BUCS last week and Romo can only muster a garbage time TD in the last few minutes? Fuck you, Romo. Burn in Hell, Jerry Jones. Because the Skins are coming to town next Sunday and we're ready to fuck up your world. YOU CAN NOT STOP THE COMBO OF HUNTER SMITH AND MIKE SELLERS!!!
1. Drew Brees - Listen up, asshole. I don't give a fuck that your team is 9-0. Sure, you're fun to watch and all, but I (and millions of others) didn't draft you because you are entertaining. WE DRAFTED YOU TO THROW TOUCHDOWNS, FUCKO! I'm sick of this shit. Why would you hand the ball to Reggie Bush in the redzone. Throw the fucking ball, pussy. Two TD's just isn't going to cut it. You aren't winning the MVP by throwing 2 TD passes against the assRams. So get your shit together and stop being a fucking shithead.
Last but not least, HAIL TO THE REDSKINS!!! They actually looked competent in all facets of the game after the first quarter when they decided to cover Brandon Marshall. Other than Shaun Suisham kicking two kickoffs out of bounds (that is inexcusable), they were great. Hopefully, next week, we can send Tony Romo out of the game early with a severe bout of ORAKPOPHOBIA. PLEASE, leave the college football talk out of this. We'll probably be talking about it for the rest of the week.