Monday, November 23, 2009

The Worst Of Week Eleven Vol.III

(Sadly, this man got to call himself a winner yesterday. I'd bet that he likes to be choked.)

You are all likely well aware that Ohio State beat Michigan this past weekend. If you aren't, what the fuck is your problem and where the hell were you last week? We talked about it every fucking day! Anyway, the game was boring. Michigan still sucks. The defense still covers up for Terrelle Pryor not being able to matriculate the ball down the field (Hank Stram reference!!!). But the real fun is the remainder of the day. After the overrated affair, I DESTROYED Damman at Seinfeld Scene-It. He was running his mouf off and I silenced that fuck-up with a dominating performance in my inebriated state. Eventually, we made it up to Dublin for our third annual post-OSU/UM game tradition...drunken karaoke. After Damman and I PWNED the pool table with amazing bank shots and impeccable smack talk, the show was on. I flat out killed my version of The Bad Touch by The Bloodhound Gang. Got one hell of an ovation. Made me feel like a real winner. Also tradition at that bar? At some point, Damman throws up in the bathroom every year. Mission accomplished on that front, too. TRADITIONS DO NOT DIE! Twas a great night.

But do you know what the best tradition is? Me taking the entire week off during Thanksgiving week. It's awesome and I've been doing it for 5 years now. While you schlubs are being "productive", I'm sitting semi-nude in my recliner trying to determine if Hannah Storm is spank-worthy (my early guess is "no"). But not everything can be as awesome as a week's worth of vacation in which I only really had to burn up 3 vacation days. In fact, the AFC North had one of the worst weekends in the history of football. Let's discuss the shittiest of the shitty:

5. The Browns - It takes a special kind of suck to blow a 3 TD lead to the god damn Lions. How is that possible? I think my favorite part of that game was the ending. A stupid PI penalty on a hail mary, the Browns DESTROYED Stafford on that play and fucked up his shoulder, they had to call a timeout because apparently they were terrified of Culpepper, and then TD...and then loss. Glorious. There are some idiots out there who feel that this was a landmark game for both Stafford and Brady The Fag King. It was not for either. Especially Quinn. He still sucks. He still can't play in this league. Notre Dame fans still don't know anything about football. The Browns...what a fucking terrible team.

4. Shaun Suisham - You know, even at 3-7 and after realizing that this season is over, that loss still hurts (which makes me better than Browns fans who would rather have a higher draft pick than beat the don't deserve a winner). The Skins, albeit ugly, dominated that game in Little D. Romo was his usual self (terrible). Wade Phillips was still fat and stupid. Rock Cartwright actually looked like a competent football player for the first time in 5 years. But our kicker, that fucking dickhead from Bowling Green, misses two field goals and costs the Skins a HUGE victory over a hated rival. I hate Suisham so fucking much. The Redskins haven't had a decent kicker since Chip fucking Lohmiller in the early-90's. By the way, why does every Cowboy act like a complete jackass whenever they do anything positive? I'm talking about Brooking, Miles Austin, Barber, Witten, actually everyone on that team. I hate them so much. I officially hate Dallas more than Ohio State.

3. Mark Sanchise - Pete Carroll was right. This jalapeno popper was not ready for the NFL. Is he trying to beat Jay Cutler for most interceptions this season? The Jets are awful. How do you give up two touchdowns to Laurence Maroney? By the way, did you know that Kool-Aid Man has scored in 5 straight games? If you had to pick who the worst starting RB in football was, Maroney would easily be in the top 3. He is terrible. Yet he keeps scoring. Pisses me off. Where was I? Oh, yes, Mark Sanchez is terrible.

2. The Steelers - Oh boy. This is starting to feel like 2006 all over again. Remember, the year after they won their first Super Bowl with this group, they followed that up with a season in which nothing went right. Ben got into the accident and then go hurt. They lost to the Raiders then. They lost to the Chiefs now. Polamalu is hurt and apparently if he does not play, their defense has no idea what to do. Because they...were...AWFUL. That special teams coach should be fired. What are they waiting for! They give up HUGE returns every damn week. When the offense scores 24 points, the Steelers should NEVER lose. And now my Super Bowl pick could be fighting for their playoff lives. Don't feel bad, though, Steelers fans...the Redskins lost to the Chiefs, too!!! Look at how well it's worked out for us!

1. The Bengals - If you didn't see this one coming, you are blind. Every time that the Bengals start thinking that they are good, karma comes back to remind them that they are from Cincy and that means that they are losers. I blame the signing of Larry Johnson for this. He is a cancer. Bad things happen wherever this douche goes. They just signed their own death warrant. But it was extremely awesome watching these losers the RAIDERS. Let's take it easy on those Super Bowl thoughts. Who loses to the Raiders!!! It's Bruce fucking Gradkowski! He used to take cash bribes from Iraqis to shave points at Toledo. Hell, he is still smuggling heroin for his boy, Scooter McDougle. Mr. Ace is a big Gradkowski fan...he has a fetish for Polish boners though. The Bengals are still not a top-echelon team in the NFL.

By the way, what the fuck happened to Faith Hill's face? She looks awful during her NBC song. Her face is so tight. She isn't fooling anyone. Whatever, I'm going to spend the next two days watching Oz DVD's and tailgating for some Wednesday night Rick's boozing. Because if I don't do this, the terrorists win.


rstiles said...

Hannah Storm is not a babe, but there is something about her that tells me that she would be a good fuck...she has that "cougar" thing going with those little dresses she wears...

Face it, she wants it up the ass!!!

Mr. Ace said...

Who doesn't like Polish Boners? The Raiders are a playoff team if they start Gradkowski all year.

Shaun Suisham!!!!

How terrible are the Bears? See ya Lovie.

Anonymous said...

A couple things:

1. As I explained to you, we were not following the rules to the Seinfeld game correctlty so your victory is not legit.

2. They should have called me Karen "The Irish Invader" Corr for some of those amazing shots I was pulling out on Saturday night.

3. Beating Michigan isn't even that fun anymore, it's like beating up on your retarded cousin. Wait a second, yes it is still a lot of fun to see those losers and their loser fans walk out of the stadium as losers again. Losers.

4. I would not have felt better about the Browns going 2-14 instead of 1-15. It's not that big of a difference to me and I would rather have the better draft pick.

5. Great convo in the bathroom from Saturday night:
Me-Puking violently in the stall.
Guy taking a leak in the urinal-"Hey man, you all right in there?"
Me-"Yeah I feel fucking great." Guy taking a leak-"Man, that waitress has got an amazing rack."
Me-Still puking, "Thanks dude."


Anonymous said... about the overhead pics of The Big Out House on Saturday? Buckeye fans just took over that stadium and painted it scarlet....pathetic showing by the Wolverine faithful.


Anonymous said...

Drew, they are an awful team with a terrible fan base. What do you expect when your fan base is made up of Asians and senior citizens. If it wasn't for Buckeye fans making noise, you could have heard a pin drop in that place.


GMoney said...

I killed you based on the rules that you told me to play. I would have dominated by anyone's rules. Even Mocha Joe's!

As someone who has lived through this, you should never be OK with losing to the Lions.

Mr. Ace said...

I'd rather have my fan base made up of Asians rather than FAGS!

But yeah, Michigan needs to start putting an age limit on their season ticket holders.

Anonymous said...

There is a Seinfled seen it challenge awaiting you guys at Sussex Dr. Perhaps a team event. I'll gladly take on any challenger as well.

Go Lions!!!!!

Jon Saul

Anonymous said...

If it is anything like the "bi-weekly poker game" I want no part of that.

Jon, you do realize there are no questions about "The Hills" on that Seinfeld game, right?


Anonymous said...

G$....Maybe you and Damman should play a game of tummy sticks, since both of your teams are responsible for the Lions two wins!

Stafford fo' life.


Tony B. said...

The picture looks like Goldust's long lost brother.

GMoney said...

Jon, you don't want none of this. I don't need a partner anyway.

Anonymous said...

The Hills Dammon? Get real man only Rex and Knepley watched that show. Now maybe a few seasons of the OC and you're in business!! I'm comfortable with my Seinfeld seen it skills to consider myself Guru status. Now I know talk is real cheap on this comment board (and I mean real cheap!!!!), but a game should be in the works. Maybe sometime in early December on a cold Thursday night that was slated for bi-weekly cards? I'm in.

Jon Saul

Anonymous said...

TWO words - "Shawn Missem"

VicLady said...

That photo is priceless. Oh what the life of a Raider fan must be.