Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Rock Bottom? I Hope Not.

(Thanks to KSK for doing the Lord's work on these)

Over the past 12 months, the Cleveland Browns have this amazing list of accomplishments:
-finished as the 5th worst team in the league in 2008
-did not score an offensive touchdown over the last 6 games of that season
-fired their marshmallow of a coach
-fired their pasty and inept general manager
-hastily hired a coach who is not well-liked throughout the league by players and was generally believed to be in over his head in New York
-had their coach pick who his GM would be as opposed to the much saner other way around
-kept trading down at the draft to take a center
-over the past 7 years, only 5 centers have been taken in the first round...the Browns have done it twice (because they're good, you see)
-signed or traded for every single ex-Jet that was available
-lost their first 5 games in about the most uncompetitive ways possible
-benched their first round pick starting QB for a guy with a 41% completion percentage this year
-traded Braylon Edwards for more Jets
-fired the new GM after only 7-8 months

Did I get the gist of the past calendar year for the Browns? When I lay it all out there like this, does it make you sad? It makes me happy actually. And not just because I hate the Browns either. But because for as bad as the Redskins have been, they haven't been THIS bad.

I guess what bothers me about this is that after everything I just mentioned, NOW owner Randy Lerner thinks that things need to change. NOW he's fed up. NOW he realizes that they have major issues. Where the fuck have you been anyway?

That is complete pussy shit to blame that mess on George Kokinis, too. This isn't his fault. He didn't pick Mangini to be his coach. His stamp isn't on these God awful back-up Jet signings. Yet someone has to be the fall guy. It might as well be the guy that no one actually blames. Everyone wants Mangini gone but he would never do that.

The funniest thing that is coming out of this, which many of you may not know, is that Lerner brought in some diehard fans to his office to talk about the direction of the team. WHAT THE FUCK! Why are you bringing in some asshole that spends his Sundays in a dog mask for consulting work? It's like bringing in a bingo caller for a "fresh set of eyes". Will "Big Dawg" be calling plays next week? Fans don't know shit. If they ran teams, they would be just like Dan Snyder because people that pay for PSL's are the dumbest fucking people in the world. Fans don't know how to evaluate talent (just like Vinny Cerrato!).

I'll tell you what. Make me GM for a year. I don't like your team so you can't accuse me of being a fan. I just know what I'm doing. Let me give you my plan for a fresh start and a road to redemption.

-Fire Mangini and hire an experienced and respected coach. You aren't getting a big name so forget about that. I've always like John Fox. Defensive coaches ALWAYS make better head coaches than offensive-minded guys.
-You've got a top 5 pick coming...go get Sam Bradford or Colt McCoy.
-Trade Brady Quinn for whatever you can get. Cleveland ruined him.
-Kill Jamal Lewis. It's funny trying to watch him do his stutter-step every time he gets an undeserved carry. It's got to be tough running with condoms full of coke up your ass though.
-You've got 11 picks in the draft next year. Get your QB and then stop drafting skill position guys. Just stop. You win from within. Beef up those lines.
-Make Rob Ryan grow his hair even at least his knees. And he has to pick a fight with an opposing player every week.
-Put snipers on the roof of the stadium to pick off random fans (Seal).
-Sign Darren Sproles. I think he's unrestricted this upcoming year (not sure though). You already like James Davis. A platoon with Davis and Sproles could be a nice foundation in the backfield for the next few years with your young stud QB.
-Bring in Terry Robiskie...just in case Fox does not work out.

You see, it isn't that hard. It shouldn't be. I could work with this team. I could run this team. Well, I couldn't be any worse. And I'll only cost Lerner 100K + courtside Cavs season tickets. Win fucking win for me and the organization. Browns fans, I AM WHAT YOU NEED.


Grumpy said...

John Fox? Proved your own thesis. Fans don't know dick.

GMoney said...

He's a good coach. He isn't the one who signed Delhomme to an extension. He did coach in a Super Bowl.

Mr. Ace said...

Well played, Grump.

Jeff said...

I guess you'll be happy when the skins have Fox as a head coach next year. No way a guy like Sproles would sign with Cleveland. It has already been said that free agents have no desire to play in Cleveland, plus Sproles will get more money somewhere else anyways. Maybe Pete Rose could take a shot a GM up there. They will have a casino now.

GMoney said...

I would be. Fox is a good coach in a lousy situation.

Congrats to all of you who helped bring casinos to Ohio yesterday!!! AMERICA, FUCK YEAH! Now let's get started planning an Ocean's 11 style heist. I call the Bernie Mac role. I've always wanted to be a loudmouth, dead black comedian.

Dustin said...

Why won't cleveland be able to get a big name coach?

Colt mccoy is projected as a late first rounder. Give me Eric Berry so I don't have to watch teams score 90 yd TDs anymore.

GMoney said...

Because Cleveland is not a desirable location, there is a huge rebuilding job ahead, it's the fucking Browns, they are YEARS away from being even the third best team in the AFC North...take your pick on why that is not a coveted job by elite coaches.

Dustin said...

Normally all available head coaching jobs have that same criteria! If lerner wants to get an elite coach, he can get one.. Its just going to cost him. I would say that the skins are just as far away as the browns! Terrible QBs, old shitty running backs, below average WRs, incompetent owners, etc...

Bring on jon gruden..

Tony B. said...

It doesn't matter who the next coach is. Hell, even Gene Hackman would be an upgrade from Mangini. At least Hackman has led movie basketball and football teams through successful if not championship seasons.

MUDawgfan said...


Mort was on Sports Talk Radio here in Atlanta this morning. When he finished talking about the Falcons/Saints game on Monday - he turned his attention to the Browns.

Apparently - he is hearing that they will make an aggressive offer to Parcells for the GM's position in the offseason.

Assuming he's hired - I'm guessing his first move would be to fire Mangini

GMoney said...

Parcells to the Browns? No way. Why live out the rest of your days in the rust belt when you're already on South Beach?

I never said that the Redskins was a good job. But it is better than the Browns.

Anonymous said...

And you didn't even mention the DUI of Stallworth???? You can add that to the list as well!!


Grumpy said...

Hey Tony B., I beg to differ. Hackman led Hickory to the Indiana State Championship.