Wednesday, November 04, 2009
(Thanks to KSK for doing the Lord's work on these)
Over the past 12 months, the Cleveland Browns have this amazing list of accomplishments:
-finished as the 5th worst team in the league in 2008
-did not score an offensive touchdown over the last 6 games of that season
-fired their marshmallow of a coach
-fired their pasty and inept general manager
-hastily hired a coach who is not well-liked throughout the league by players and was generally believed to be in over his head in New York
-had their coach pick who his GM would be as opposed to the much saner other way around
-kept trading down at the draft to take a center
-over the past 7 years, only 5 centers have been taken in the first round...the Browns have done it twice (because they're good, you see)
-signed or traded for every single ex-Jet that was available
-lost their first 5 games in about the most uncompetitive ways possible
-benched their first round pick starting QB for a guy with a 41% completion percentage this year
-traded Braylon Edwards for more Jets
-fired the new GM after only 7-8 months
Did I get the gist of the past calendar year for the Browns? When I lay it all out there like this, does it make you sad? It makes me happy actually. And not just because I hate the Browns either. But because for as bad as the Redskins have been, they haven't been THIS bad.
I guess what bothers me about this is that after everything I just mentioned, NOW owner Randy Lerner thinks that things need to change. NOW he's fed up. NOW he realizes that they have major issues. Where the fuck have you been anyway?
That is complete pussy shit to blame that mess on George Kokinis, too. This isn't his fault. He didn't pick Mangini to be his coach. His stamp isn't on these God awful back-up Jet signings. Yet someone has to be the fall guy. It might as well be the guy that no one actually blames. Everyone wants Mangini gone but he would never do that.
The funniest thing that is coming out of this, which many of you may not know, is that Lerner brought in some diehard fans to his office to talk about the direction of the team. WHAT THE FUCK! Why are you bringing in some asshole that spends his Sundays in a dog mask for consulting work? It's like bringing in a bingo caller for a "fresh set of eyes". Will "Big Dawg" be calling plays next week? Fans don't know shit. If they ran teams, they would be just like Dan Snyder because people that pay for PSL's are the dumbest fucking people in the world. Fans don't know how to evaluate talent (just like Vinny Cerrato!).
I'll tell you what. Make me GM for a year. I don't like your team so you can't accuse me of being a fan. I just know what I'm doing. Let me give you my plan for a fresh start and a road to redemption.
-Fire Mangini and hire an experienced and respected coach. You aren't getting a big name so forget about that. I've always like John Fox. Defensive coaches ALWAYS make better head coaches than offensive-minded guys.
-You've got a top 5 pick coming...go get Sam Bradford or Colt McCoy.
-Trade Brady Quinn for whatever you can get. Cleveland ruined him.
-Kill Jamal Lewis. It's funny trying to watch him do his stutter-step every time he gets an undeserved carry. It's got to be tough running with condoms full of coke up your ass though.
-You've got 11 picks in the draft next year. Get your QB and then stop drafting skill position guys. Just stop. You win from within. Beef up those lines.
-Make Rob Ryan grow his hair even longer...to at least his knees. And he has to pick a fight with an opposing player every week.
-Put snipers on the roof of the stadium to pick off random fans (Seal).
-Sign Darren Sproles. I think he's unrestricted this upcoming year (not sure though). You already like James Davis. A platoon with Davis and Sproles could be a nice foundation in the backfield for the next few years with your young stud QB.
-Bring in Terry Robiskie...just in case Fox does not work out.
You see, it isn't that hard. It shouldn't be. I could work with this team. I could run this team. Well, I couldn't be any worse. And I'll only cost Lerner 100K + courtside Cavs season tickets. Win fucking win for me and the organization. Browns fans, I AM WHAT YOU NEED.