Monday, November 09, 2009

An Interview With A Hero

Boys, this site is generally tasteless and disgusting. But today we are going to take some time to recognize people who contribute to society. With Veteran's Day being Wednesday, I wanted to do something to show our soldiers how much we care. I was able to secure an interview with Lieutenant Sean Fox from the Army who is serving over in Afghanistan. He had some "special" visitors at his camp this weekend. I wanted to get his take on it.

G$: Lt. Fox, this is an honor. Thanks for taking time out of your schedule to spend a moment with The Money Shot.
Fox: No problem. It's nice not talking to someone who isn't a fucking retard.
G$: I figured that. What with the NFL on FOX broadcasting live from your base on Sunday, that had to be a terrible weekend.
Fox: You know it. I would rather have watched the entire series of The Hills than spend 5 seconds with these mental midgets.

G$: It could NOT have been that bad. I mean, these guys came over to take your mind off of your jobs for a few hours. What is wrong with that?
Fox: Do you know what pisses me off? The soldiers in Iraq get to meet Marisa Miller, Victoria's Secret models, and hot bitches. What do we get in Afghanistan? Curt Menefee and Cleatus the Goddamn robot. Have you ever met Curt Menefee? I'd rather get shot at. He's as much of a celebrity as the Octomom.

G$: Ha, yeah, Menefee has the personality of a lump of hangover shit. If you put a suit on a poop, you have Curt Menefee. But if that is the worst thing that happened, it could not have been a bad trip.
Fox: I thought that, while disappointment loomed, maybe we would get a few chuckles from these guys. And then they brought out Frank Caliendo. Oh, look, it's the guy that does a crappy, fat George W impression! And he makes picks that no one cares about? Count me in!!! I'd rather watch Carrot Top lift weights and sell carrot crushers to the Taliban.

G$: Caliendo is the fucking worst. The guy was funny for about 6 minutes 4 years ago and now he just needs shot. Surprisingly, I've always like Jimmie Johnson since he has joined the team which is strange since I hate him as a coach. What did you think of him?
Fox: Eh, Jimmie was cool. Eventhough everyone in America hated him as a coach, he's an alright guy. I mean, he is sort of obsessive about his hair though. WE DON'T HAVE FUCKING MIRRORS OUT HERE, JJ. And the Cowboys fucking suck.

G$: Is Howie Long as retarded as he looks/sounds/is?
Fox: Holy sweet Jesus...spending 5 minutes with Howie Long was like spending a lifetime with Andy Dick. It was awful. I assumed that I could get him to share a few classic Raiders stories. You know, like about all the steroids they took back in the day and all the raped women. But no. Not even close. Have you ever seen Broken Arrow?
G$: Between you and me, yes, I have.
Fox: Did you like it?
G$: Do you like having pine cones shoved up your dick hole? Of course not.
Fox: Would you ever see it again?
G$: Only if it's showing on loop in Hell.
Fox: So would you say that listening to some asshole go on and on about how great of a movie it was and then give you an autographed copy of the VHS tape, you would be a tad irate?
G$: I would burn down an orphanage if that happened to me.
Fox: I didn't get it. He was supposed to come over and talk football and all I got out of it was how much better an actor Travolta is than Christian Slater. When I get back to the states, I'm going to scalp that flat-top off his fucking head.

G$: A know a Native American that would pay good money for that. How long did it take for Strahan gap teeth jokes to get old.
Fox: Strahan was down to Earth but I needed a poncho to talk to him. The man can "gleak" a fucking river. I could have done without the constant babbling about his show, Brothers, or him telling us about five dollar footlongs. WE DON'T HAVE SUBWAYS IN THIS BARREN WASTELAND YOU ASSHOLE. And even if we did, what would their sandwiches consist of? There are only so many ways that you can make a "wild dog and dirt sandwich".

G$: I've always hated Terry Bradshaw. Please tell me that I'm right and he is a complete fucking queefsniffer.
Fox: Terry Bradshaw was by far the worst person I have ever met in my life. A group of buddies and I had him cornered, telling him all of these stories that the government doesn't want you to hear, and all he did was laugh like a rube. We're telling him some pretty sick shit and the egomaniac just starts going on and on about the time that he and Jake Delhomme were boiling crawfish. I wanted to kill him on the spot. But I calmed down and realized that that is what he wants. And then Terry started talking about all his ex-wives so I hit him in the jaw with the butt of my gun. Now he has more hair than teeth.

G$: That. Is. Awesome. I guarantee that that disphit can't read. How was Glazer? He seems legit.
Fox: Yeah, thanks a lot Jay Glazer, a lot of good it does me to know that Dwayne Bowe is active today. I live in a barren fucking wasteland. I don't have a fantasy football team. WHERE ARE THE HOT CHICKS THAT SUCK SOLDIER DICK!!!

G$: So, what was your final impression of the NFL on Fox coming to visit?
Fox: All in all, the show was OK at best. They spent the entire two hours talking about Brett Favre eventhough the Vikings were off this week and no one in the entire US Military likes him.
Of course, do you honestly think that anyone from Wisconsin could make it through basic training? They need help to put on their pants every morning. There is not one Favre fan out there that weighs less than 400 pounds. Most of them are transported around town via forklift.

G$: Final thoughts before I let you go...
Fox: Jesus, I always believed that the only thing I wanted in life was to head back home. Well, if THIS shit is waiting for me, I would rather stay in this dump and dodge bullets. Fuck you, Curt Menefee. If these fuckers ever come back here again, I'm going to beg my commanding officer to send me on the same mission that Pat Tillman went on.

G$: Ouch. That is weak. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Fox: Spending time with Terry Bradshaw brings out the worst in anyone. Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.

I would like to thank the fake solider that agreed to do this fake interview with us today. As far as the worst of the week goes...Aaron Rodgers fucking sucks. He is just awful. The Packers fucking suck. So do the Bears. So do you.

How about me going with a Pat Tillman joke on the week of Veteran's Day? Yeah, I'm about the worst person ever.


Anonymous said...

You should have interviewed Rich Rod on "How to be a coach at Michigan and not make a bowl every year".


GMoney said...

That sounds like a terrible post. No one wants to talk to that guy until he starts wearing his Andy Reid-esque parka fat suits.

Nice performance by Stafford yesterday, by the way.

Anonymous said...

Stafford definitely shit the bed yesterday. We were up 17-0 after the first quarter and I still knew we would lose...just not sure how we would....five picks later, I found out how.


Dustin said...

I actually thought frank was kind of funny during his stand up/picks. Maybe I was just drunk still from celebrating the buckeyes look like a new team?

Cats win, buckeyes win big, browns don't play, I should win both of my fantasy games, I blacked out saturday night.. What a great weekend!

Tony B. said...

Terry Bradshaw singing "God Bless America" was worse than the Bears' defense yesterday.

Dustin said...

I agree, tony. What was the point of them singing god bless america?? That may have been the most awkward minute of TV that I've ever seen.

I haven't heard anything from Ace.. Did he kill himself after that great performance vs purdont?

GMoney said...

I turned on an infomercial as soon as Terry started singing.

Dut, you in for Findlay Friday?