Friday, November 13, 2009

Great Story? URINE LUCK!


OK, so I owe a deep apology to all of you who I told to bet on the RedHawks last night. I was not counting on our QB playing like a freshman (5 turnovers) against a terrible defense. And this poor advice probably got a poor guy and his family killed. They call it gambling for a fucking reason. I don't really care about that though. I've got big things brewing tonight. For after work, the caravan is heading up to Findlay on a lovely booze cruise to take in some high school football playoff action. I plan on drinking on the way up, during the game, and on the drive back. High school football is normally about the worst thing ever but it is OUTSTANDING when you are drunk. The Crown Royal has already been purchased. The last time I drank that, I left a nice present for the maid in the hotel sink. Here's to hoping that I vomit all over Naptown Wolverine tonight. Napoleon/Bishop Watterson...should be a bloodbath not in our favor but who cares...I'm going to be plowed anyway.

Speaking of getting drunk, it's high time that I shared a classic tale with all of you in which you will find me to be a genius and an asshole and maybe a tender lover all at the same time.

So, it's probably 2002 and a group of us got some cheapo tickets to see John Cougar Mellencamp at what used to be known as Polaris Amphitheatre. I had already seen the Coug before in Oxford and he puts on a great show. Not that night however. It was uninspiring. Actually, it sucked. At least on that night, it was not ouuuuuuuuuuuuuur countryyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Anyway, we get to the parking lot early to "tailgate". By tailgate, I mean, standing on concrete while 4 guys trying to kill a case before it gets warm in the July sun. It's probably about 45 minutes before the opening shitty act went on so the lot is filling up. We did not care as seeing the opening band is amateur shit. Across the parking lot aisle, some asshole frat boys roll up in a Jeep Wrangler (the official car of assholes) and are being all loud and whatnot. I'm watching them the whole time debating whether or not the 4 of us could kick the shit out of the 5 of them (we would have had no chance).

So the d-bags head on in while we are still by our car. However, I saw them slide a cooler under the Jeep. After a few minutes, I get an idea. I go over and investigate because our tailgate has two problems: we're running low on beer and what we have is getting warm. I open the cooler and it's a fucking jackpot. About 12-15 ice cold beauties just begging to be drank. So, I grab them all in one trip and take them back for the boys. But it's not over. Not by a long shot.

I rounded up all of our empties, took them over to the Jeep, and refilled the cooler with our dead soldiers. The rest of the tailgreat is really digging my dickheadery, but not even that was the last of it. G$ doesn't fucking roll that way. I take a few steps back toward our car when a revelation hits me. I go back to the cooler, open it up, and unleash a 2 minute piss into that thing. And this wasn't one of those watery drunk pisses either. This was a stream of golden goodness that stained that cooler for all of eternity. It was amazing.

The show ends. Traffic always sucks balls so we pull out some lukewarm beers and have a postgate after the concert while things thin out. The dbags return to their rape-mobile.

DB #1: Alright, brah, the cooler is still here!
DB #2: I hope there are still some beers in there, broseph!
DB #3: (swishing his hands around in my piss) Fuck, it's just a bunch of empties.

Our group laughed for about the next hour. Those fucking elephant-walkers still probably have my piss stench on their hands. And that makes me feel good. Thanks for the beers, BRAH!!! Your welcome for the urine!

I hope you enjoyed that little tale which did nothing more than prove I'm even more awesome than you thought. GO CATS!!!

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Say hi to NBD if you see him tonight as I'm sure he'll be there. Maybe you can read his playboys as part of the tailgreat.

Don't get too drunk because I want you on top of your game for the Rose Bowl clinching celebration tomorrow.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Oh my God, you are already annoying as shit and it isn't even gameday yet.

Grumpy said...

Priceless. I want to be you when I grow up.

Anonymous said...

I have a similar story from this past February. A bunch of us rented out a condo in Seven Springs, PA to go skiing/drink all weekend in some mountains. So, we bought a ton of beer and had a ton of food.....so one case of Yuengling had to be stuck outside the back porch due to no room in the fridge. Sometime in the early morning hours I go outside to grab a beer and the case is gone. We still had lots of beer, but the fact of the matter was that someone stole a fucking case of Yuengling from us. So, I drunkingly stumble around in the snow looking for the culprits. I settle my sights on a second floor condo one building over that appeared to have a bunch of high schoolers in it...and they definitely could look outside down onto our back porch.

The next morning I started thinking about this again while drinking my first beer. I then decided...fuck it...every bottle of beer I drink today, I'm pissing back into the bottle...capping it and putting it back in the box. So, we did about 20 of these and finally put the box on the back porch just like the night before. We closed the blinds and sat down for a steak dinner. After a couple of hours we opened the sliding door and sure enough...those fucking kids had once again stolen a case of Yuengling from us...but they actually had stolen a case of our collective piss. I could only hope that they were poured in beer pong cups or beer bongs or flip cup...I wanted them to all drink our piss at once.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Amazing, Drew. Great work.

jessegscott said...

Classic G$. Awesome.. Good story as well Drew.

Dustin said...

Good stuff today boys. I agree with damman though- you better be ready to celebrate a Buckeye Rose bowl berth!

Go cats.

Jeff said...

Great story G$. It was so vivid it was like you painted a murinal in my mind (reference anyone?). Good luck tonight, but catholic schools run shit cause they can recruit. Total bullshit! They should play in their own holy tournament.

Tony B. said...

I'm not sure if I'd rather stick my hand in G$'s piss or go to a John Cougar Mellencamp concert. Either option sounds terrible.

GMoney said...

Hey, Tony, you take it easy on the Coug. I'll cut you some slack though because you root for Jay Cutler and that has to be an awful feeling.

Mr. Ace said...

Back in my college days...3 years ago or so...we went to some party and the only ppl u knew were the ppl I went with, and I didn't even know most of them that well. One of the sluts that was in our crew said she used to date the guy who was hosting the party and he is a huge douche. So to take care of this douche properly, right before we left I made a trip to the bathroom. I line up the shampoo and hair gel in front of me and take the caps off. I then proceeded to fill up those bottles with my own golden goodness. I am willing to bet that he is hairless by now.

Dustin said...

Ace- that's a dick move! It better have not been at the church house!

Anonymous said...

Along the same lines, there is one thing that I would like to do someday..."Upper Deck" somebody.

-Damman

GMoney said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...let's leave poop out of this.

Jason said...

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Jason
SportsSoundOff.net
SPORTSMONARCH.com

ami said...
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