Wednesday, November 11, 2009

G$: Helping America

Every once in awhile, I get bored and take a look at this site's stattracker. It is as boring as it sounds. Hits have remained steady if that is something that you worry about (I don't so you shouldn't). It's the "recent keyword" function that always gets me. This, of course, is a listing of phrases that people typed into Google and found our site. If you remember, I have talked before how somebody came here after searching "trucker rimjob" and also "Richard Karn naked pictures". But I think I found the best one yet yesterday. I'm dead serious and it's up to me to help out. The phrase that pays you ask?

"My bookie is trying to kill me"

What a loaded statement. First of all, this guy is fucked. Have you ever heard of anyone involved in the sports gambling genre that FAILED at killing a debtor? But, if for some reason this gentleman is still breathing and still searching for answers, I'm here to help.

1. PAY THE FUCKER! - Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you! Have you ever seen The Sopranos? You don't fuck with the mob.
2. No money? No problem - Sell whatever you have. I can live without my Sammy Sosa bobblehead doll (still Latino!). I can't live without my life, bitch. Damman used to sell his plasma for beer money in college. It's not hard. Hell, sell your jizz. Sell anything wet in your body. Do people buy sweat? Actually, do they still have those cum places? Is Road Trip remotely accurate? Can you just walk into a place of business, crank one off in a cup, get paid, and leave? Sperm banks...what an interesting place if they actually exist. I'm talking real sperm banks, too, and not Mr. Ace's mouth.
3. Run! - If you are racking up massive gambling debts with less than reputable characters, you could use a change of scenery. You could be like Lester "Worm" Murphy in Rounders (not from our comment section).
4. Barter with your assassin - He wants to kill you because you keep dodging him. See if you can talk him down from bullet to the temple. Offer up a kneecap or your thumbs like Mike Moffitt. Make sure that you have negotiated this down as far as you can.
5. Borrow from anyone you know - Everyone knows a rich guy or two. If he says no, rob the fucker. Fuck him anyway. Fucking prick actually worked for his money and had the balls not to put 10 grand on the Lions +11 at Seattle last Sunday. FUCK YOU!
6. Fuck it, kill him first - It's either you or him. He's likely a small timer anyway. Go watch a few episodes of Dexter, get the specifics down, and eliminate your debt without filing for bankruptcy. Then get the fuck out of dodge because bad dudes are going to be knocking on your door.
7. Die - Dude...shitty wagering on sporting events is no reason to die. Have some self respect. Just because you are a lowlife who pissed away ten times the money that you actually make, you are better than just rolling over and letting some Italian asshole whack you.

How about this, you scrote, STOP FUCKING GAMBLING. It kills me when some people have the gall to say that gambling is an addiction. No, it isn't. You are just a pussy who is too stupid to realize that betting on sports is supposed to fun. It isn't meant to be a primary source of your income. Vegas was built on morons who think like you.

I really don't understand why anyone, in this day and age, would rely on a bookie. What's the point. Sure, the vig isn't as high as setting up an account online, but at least you can control your wagers/losses. Some dickhead on the other end of a phone doesn't care if you are blowing your mortgage on another non-cover by the underachieving Florida Gators.

Buddy, let me give you one last piece of advice before your bookie ends up murdering you and leaving pieces of you in various dumpsters on the east coast...

Let it all (including your life) ride on the RedHawks tomorrow night. All of it. Double or nothing. Tell your bookie that if this doesn't happen, he can kill your family, too. Miami is currently a 2.5 point home dog to Bowling Green. The 'Hawks are 5-1 against the spread over the past 6 weeks which included 5 bowl bound teams. Even in our darkest days over the past three+ years, we ALWAYS beat BG. You know what, fuck it, moneyline that shit. This is the easiest money on the planet. It takes balls to bet on a 1-9 team to win a game. Do it. Be a fucking man. Hit it hard. And that goes to all of you, too.

My man, I hope I was able to help out in your time of need. If not, eh, you probably deserved to die anyway, child molester.


Nate B. said...

This is your Mona Lisa of blogs.

Anonymous said...

Falcons by six! G$, don't give this poor soul bad steam when he is desperate for a way out!

--the Wig Master

Grumpy said...

Still better than the searches I get for "dead dog blowjobs". Great advice though; I'm putting it all on the RedHawks.

GMoney said...

The line is actually up to 4 now. I have no idea why. Vegas will be getting a Zac Attack tomorrow. Bowling Green is inferior in every way to the mighty RedHawks.

Mr. Ace said...

Please science, I hope that search came from commenter Drew.

You guys are missing the only real lock this week...THE FUCKING TOLEDO ROCKETS! Toledo is on prime time tonight and you know how we roll on prime time. Take all the points you can get and watch U of Toledo go all gang busters on the Chips.

Dustin said...

Ace- your gambling advice is no good here.

Why would anyone ever bet against BG? The hawks can't match up with the devastating sheehan to barnes combo!

rstiles said...

That was some damn good advice!!!!!

Tony B. said...

It reminds me of Chevy Chase's Dr. Farthing from "Dirty Work." "What I don't understand is... when you owe a bookie a lot of money, and he, say, blows off one of your toes, you still owe him the money. Doesn't seem fair to me. Especially when he's gonna kill me in four days anyway."

"I know there's nobody to blame for this but myself, well, I don't know, maybe the Buffalo Bills, the Boston Red Sox, Mr. T. or the Jets..."

GMoney said...

GREAT comparison, Tony. Let me give you a rhymes with COCK.