Monday, October 12, 2009
Thursday night, I cut the shit out of my 2nd toe. I dropped our 50+ pound grill on it. It bled every fucking time that I took a step for the past few days. It was painful as fuck. Right now, I've got that weird black shit under my toenail and my current life goal is to not lose the nail itself. I know, I set the bar high. The in-laws came down on Saturday to ruin my desire to have a lazy weekend. This entailed my 4 nieces and nephews to push my patience. But I persevered and managed to only make two of them cry at the playground (seriously, but they ASKED me to keep pushing them harder...I swear!). So when it was time for the in-laws to leave, the kids, for some strange reason, feel like their badass uncle would like to be hugged. He does not. He never will. This needs to stop immediately. I'm a handshake/pound-dawg kind of guy. And he really does not like his nephew stepping on his mangled toe during the aforementioned hug. I almost started crying.
Which is what I did all day yesterday since the NFL decided to give byes to 4 of the more entertaining teams in the league and giving us some extremely shitty matchups. It damn near ruined my day. I've got a fucked up foot AND I have to put up with a ton of shitty games? Eat shit, Goodell. There has to be some way around the current configuration of bye weeks. Instead of having 8 weeks where 4 teams are off, why not do 4 weeks where 8 teams are off? Because I will not stand for the kind of crap that I had to sit through yesterday.
5. Mike Sims-Walker - Listen up, dickhead. I found you on the waiver wire of the DFL a few weeks ago once I realized that Earl Bennett and Davone Bess were horrible. You became a fantasy force for me and a good player for the Jags. So the fact that you got yourself inactivated for violating team rules and not allowing me to bench you is inexcusable. Especially when I'm going up against the winless virgin, Mr. Ace. Eat a dick and pick a fucking last name already.
4. The Redskins - The Redskins have played a winless team in each of their first 5 games this year and have a robust 2-3 record after yesterday's amazing 15 point piss-away game in Carolina. God dammit. They haven't even come close to scoring 20 points this year. They fucking suck. It gets old for me to keep saying this but it still needs to be said. I hate this fucking team. I don't even think that they had 200 yards of offense yesterday. I think my favorite part about this abortion of an organization is their terrible clock management. And they have always sucked at this. Like yesterday when with 9 minutes left in the game, they had no timeouts left. Fucking genius. I would rather have Shannon Sharpe coach this team. Yeah, I said it. He's the dumbest person ever associated with the game of football, and I would rather have him chew hay on the Skins sideline.
3. Shaun Hill - Oh no. Bad weekend for my teams (Redskins/RedHawks) and my pseudo-teams (Niners/Auburn). The most famous asshole in sports was completely let down by his team yesterday as the Falcons kicked the shit out of them. This appears to be the modus operandi (I took freshmen Latin!) for the 49ers this year...get on them early and they have no chance to come back. If you let them hang and bang, they are lethal. But if you put the foot on the throat early and often, it's over. And this is because Shaun Hill sucks. SF is still going to win the West but so what? St. Thomas Aquinas could win that division.
2. Dick Jauron - Do you think that by the time this post goes up on Monday morning, Jauron will already be fired? I mean, he has to be, right? You can't lose to the Browns. You can't score 3 points against the Browns. You can't lose at home to an Eric Mangini-coached team. You can't lose to a shitty QB who only completed TWO FUCKING PASSES. FIRE THIS GUY. Jauron eats poop sandwiches. The Bills are fucking awful. Another reason that bye weeks suck is because I had to sit Drew Brees this week and actually talked myself into being excited about Trent Edwards. BYE WEEKS MAKE YOU THINK THAT TRENT EDWARDS IS A DECENT OPTION. He is not. The only thing that Edwards is qualified to do is toss my salad. And I don't want that. Why would you go out and sign T.O. when you aren't going to use him? Jesus, the Bills make the Redskins look like the Steelers.
1. Ray Lewis - Is there anything better than when this loser costs his team a win? Murder McGee picked up a really stupid helmet-to-helmet penalty on Ocho (pictured) during the final drive which helped the Bengals win in Bawlmer County. And what the hell is going on with the Bingles anyway? Every one of their games is an awesome nail-biter. It's great. I love how CBS made Columbus a Bengals town this week. They are fun to watch. I hope that they stick with the trend. But back to the game, when I heard that Mike Zimmer's wife died this week, I knew that this would be a lot closer then the 9 point spread. So I capitalized financially on a woman's death. I have no regrets. Oh and fuck you, Ray Lewis. Fuck you very much.
I need to get this taste of shitty football out of my mouth soon. Thankfully, the titstastic Saints/Giants matchup is only 6 short days away. And for the record, I actually LIKED the Broncos AWFL throwbacks. Those socks are bad-fucking-ass.