Monday, October 12, 2009

The Worst Of Week Five Vol.III

Thursday night, I cut the shit out of my 2nd toe. I dropped our 50+ pound grill on it. It bled every fucking time that I took a step for the past few days. It was painful as fuck. Right now, I've got that weird black shit under my toenail and my current life goal is to not lose the nail itself. I know, I set the bar high. The in-laws came down on Saturday to ruin my desire to have a lazy weekend. This entailed my 4 nieces and nephews to push my patience. But I persevered and managed to only make two of them cry at the playground (seriously, but they ASKED me to keep pushing them harder...I swear!). So when it was time for the in-laws to leave, the kids, for some strange reason, feel like their badass uncle would like to be hugged. He does not. He never will. This needs to stop immediately. I'm a handshake/pound-dawg kind of guy. And he really does not like his nephew stepping on his mangled toe during the aforementioned hug. I almost started crying.

Which is what I did all day yesterday since the NFL decided to give byes to 4 of the more entertaining teams in the league and giving us some extremely shitty matchups. It damn near ruined my day. I've got a fucked up foot AND I have to put up with a ton of shitty games? Eat shit, Goodell. There has to be some way around the current configuration of bye weeks. Instead of having 8 weeks where 4 teams are off, why not do 4 weeks where 8 teams are off? Because I will not stand for the kind of crap that I had to sit through yesterday.

5. Mike Sims-Walker - Listen up, dickhead. I found you on the waiver wire of the DFL a few weeks ago once I realized that Earl Bennett and Davone Bess were horrible. You became a fantasy force for me and a good player for the Jags. So the fact that you got yourself inactivated for violating team rules and not allowing me to bench you is inexcusable. Especially when I'm going up against the winless virgin, Mr. Ace. Eat a dick and pick a fucking last name already.

4. The Redskins - The Redskins have played a winless team in each of their first 5 games this year and have a robust 2-3 record after yesterday's amazing 15 point piss-away game in Carolina. God dammit. They haven't even come close to scoring 20 points this year. They fucking suck. It gets old for me to keep saying this but it still needs to be said. I hate this fucking team. I don't even think that they had 200 yards of offense yesterday. I think my favorite part about this abortion of an organization is their terrible clock management. And they have always sucked at this. Like yesterday when with 9 minutes left in the game, they had no timeouts left. Fucking genius. I would rather have Shannon Sharpe coach this team. Yeah, I said it. He's the dumbest person ever associated with the game of football, and I would rather have him chew hay on the Skins sideline.

3. Shaun Hill - Oh no. Bad weekend for my teams (Redskins/RedHawks) and my pseudo-teams (Niners/Auburn). The most famous asshole in sports was completely let down by his team yesterday as the Falcons kicked the shit out of them. This appears to be the modus operandi (I took freshmen Latin!) for the 49ers this year...get on them early and they have no chance to come back. If you let them hang and bang, they are lethal. But if you put the foot on the throat early and often, it's over. And this is because Shaun Hill sucks. SF is still going to win the West but so what? St. Thomas Aquinas could win that division.

2. Dick Jauron - Do you think that by the time this post goes up on Monday morning, Jauron will already be fired? I mean, he has to be, right? You can't lose to the Browns. You can't score 3 points against the Browns. You can't lose at home to an Eric Mangini-coached team. You can't lose to a shitty QB who only completed TWO FUCKING PASSES. FIRE THIS GUY. Jauron eats poop sandwiches. The Bills are fucking awful. Another reason that bye weeks suck is because I had to sit Drew Brees this week and actually talked myself into being excited about Trent Edwards. BYE WEEKS MAKE YOU THINK THAT TRENT EDWARDS IS A DECENT OPTION. He is not. The only thing that Edwards is qualified to do is toss my salad. And I don't want that. Why would you go out and sign T.O. when you aren't going to use him? Jesus, the Bills make the Redskins look like the Steelers.

1. Ray Lewis - Is there anything better than when this loser costs his team a win? Murder McGee picked up a really stupid helmet-to-helmet penalty on Ocho (pictured) during the final drive which helped the Bengals win in Bawlmer County. And what the hell is going on with the Bingles anyway? Every one of their games is an awesome nail-biter. It's great. I love how CBS made Columbus a Bengals town this week. They are fun to watch. I hope that they stick with the trend. But back to the game, when I heard that Mike Zimmer's wife died this week, I knew that this would be a lot closer then the 9 point spread. So I capitalized financially on a woman's death. I have no regrets. Oh and fuck you, Ray Lewis. Fuck you very much.

I need to get this taste of shitty football out of my mouth soon. Thankfully, the titstastic Saints/Giants matchup is only 6 short days away. And for the record, I actually LIKED the Broncos AWFL throwbacks. Those socks are bad-fucking-ass.


Mr. Ace said...

11:30 and no comments...what the hell is going on? Apparently nobody wants to hear about your vagina hurting.

I have one question; who is going to get the coach that they want this offseason, Bills or Redskins? Supposedly Shanahan already turned down your terrible organization and supposedly Holmgren is looking to coach on the East coast...or does Cowher get one of those spots?

GMoney said...

Apparently, all of my pussy readers don't watch football. It's probably too violent for them.

I'm looking forward to the Redskins coaching search. It's going to be great supporting a team coached by Mike Martz.

Anonymous said...

At least a Mike Martz team will open up the offense, and get you to 24-30 points at least five or six times.......At this point I see Campbell, and Zorn gone by early November. Jeff George still has a solid arm, and he can get the ball down the field, get him out of retirement.


Grumpy said...

Fire Ron Zook!

GMoney said...

Just ordered the RedZone channel for a mere $5/month. I will no longer be forced to watch the Browns!!!

Anonymous said...

I assume you have to have the NFL Network in order to get that channel. That's a solid buy.

It seems that Michigan fans Ace and Naptown Wolverine have quited down considerably with the "Michigan could go undefeated" or "Tate Forcier is good" talk. It's funny what back to back losses and a QB benching will do to a fan base.

D.A. wins games, plain and simple.


Mr. Ace said...

Actually, Damman, you Fuckeyes haven't been running your mouths as much as usual so I haven't felt the need. Even after back to back losses I am thrilled with my teams do you feel about yours? Tate's a frosh and he will struggle against good defenses at times. He was making poor decisions sat night so he got benched. He's still twice the QB Pryor will ever be.


GMoney said...

D, some Sunday you will need to come over and check out this channel. Yes, you do need NFL Network...and probably something better than the Akai.

It really bothers me that no one wants to talk football. What the fuck is wrong with you people? It's football, dammit, and it is fucking awesome.

Anonymous said...

The reasons we do not want to talk football is because we are still trying to regain consciousness from that Browns vs. Bills game that was on in NW Ohio. Atleast the Lions got blacked out. I watched the shit bowl just to get Bengals/Ravens updates. God that was awful.

Mr. Ace, as a Buckeye fan who demands that the OSU vs. UM game matters again. I demand that you care more. Ohio State is 5-1 and has covered the spread in all but one game. And all we talk about is how bad or offense and quarterback is. Michigan fans are elated and jacking off to a team that is 4-2 and could easily be 2-4. They play terrible defense and look like they are coming unglued and there fan base does not demand better. All I ask is that you care more


Mr. Ace said...

Michigan could just as easily be 6-0 as they could be 2-4. We went 3-9 last year and lost to toledo. Excuse me for being happy with a 4-2 team that has been extremely competitive in both of its losses, both on the road, and both with two freshman qb's and a terrible defense.