Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Tired Of The BCS? I Have The Answer!

The answer, my friends, is the BC-ACE. A new and improved form of rankings that is hateful, ignorant, incredibly biased, and entirely determined by yours truly, Mr. Ace. There will be no statistics. There will be no computers. There will be no douchey sports writers. Just me, a bottle of Everclear, and the most important list this side of the Bill of Rights.

First, what I am basing these ratings on. I don't have a fucking clue. Let's get to the first ever BC-ACE.
  1. Alabama- I said it last year and I will say it again, I fucking hate Nick Saban, but he is the best coach in college football. Nobody can score on that defense and I love watching Mark Ingram run, the kid is a stud. This is the only team that has a real claim right now as the best team in the nation. Also, this spot will be referred to as "Ace's Bottom Bitch" from now on. That means that if any of the other bitches on this list want to step into this spot they gotta go through my bottom bitch...Do you know what I am saying?
  2. Florida- As unimpressive as they have been in SEC play, there is no other team that is more deserving of the second spot. Florida is just fucking boring. Tim Tebow is a great football players, but not a great quarterback. Florida and Alabama are essentially the same team, just Bama does everything a little better. Ace's Bitch Rating(ABR): They would be smoking hot with great cans, but have the personality of a manpon.
  3. Cincinnati- You're fucking right I am going with Brian Kelly's boys. I went into the weekend thinking that UC was overrated where they were. I came away very impressed. Cincy can compete with any team in the nation not named Florida or Alabama. Kelly makes all the difference for this team. And no, it doesn't fucking matter who their quarterback is. ABR: They would be your high school principle's hot wife who is (supposedly) a former stripper who looks like she is a panther in the sack...even while driving her kids to soccer practice.
  4. Iowa- You're fucking right I am going with Kirk Ferentz's boys. All they do is win. It's not pretty, but they get it done. I hate to say this, but Iowa kind of reminds me of the Fuckeyes back win Fuckeye nation liked Tressel. ABR: They would be that chubby chick with huge fruits that you call to come over after 3:00AM because you don't want your friends to know...and she wears a sweater vest.
  5. Texas- Listen people, Texas isn't that good. If Bradford doesn't get hurt in that game Oklahoma wins by two TD's. They have zero run game, okay defense, and haven't played a decent team the entire fucking year. ABR: They would have a face like Charo, tits like Dolly, and liposuction scars up the ass because this bitch is fake.
  6. Miami- I like Miami, I like them a lot. I love me some Jacory Harris. They may be too young to be able to compete consistently on the big stage. I'm glad to see Randy Shannon turning this program around. ABR: They would be the hottest 17 year old in the world...but I've never been one to obey the law.
  7. TCU- I've always loved the Horned Frogs. Ever since LaDainian Tomlinson emerged out of nowhere in TCU they had a special place in the black hole that is my heart. Gary Patterson has been coachin' em up for the last decade and his defense is always one of the best in the nation. This year they have a great offense to go along with that defense and I really hope they get to crash the BCS party because they have the ability to beat anybody they are matched up against. ABR: They would be that new chick with all the crazy tattoo's and piercings that really isn't all that hot...but it's like giving yourself a stranger, you have to try it at least once.
  8. Georgia Tech- GT was my underdog team at the beginning of the year and they haven't disappointed thus far. I love seeing the triple option run by a team that has plenty of playmakers to touch the ball. Sure, GT is one-dimensional, but it is such a different dimension that it is more of an advantage than a disadvantage. ABR: They are a sexy broad with three boobs...may sound gross, but when you stop and think about it, how awesome would that be!
  9. USC- Ugh, I don't know what to make of this team. Who have they beat? The Fuckeyes were overrated, Cal sucks, and so does ND. They have a ton of talent all over the field but the inexperience at the quarterback position is what kills this team. ABR: Butterface. Do I need to say anything else?
  10. Boise State- FRAUD! FRAUD! FRAUD! I'm not even sure that they belong this high, but I sure as hell wasn't about to throw in LSU. When Boise made its run a couple years back they had a great running back and a senior quarterback who was cold-blooded. This year they have a couple solid running backs and a sophomore QB who the coach has zero faith in. This isn't the same Boise team everybody remembers. ABR: Remember that smokin' hot girl in your dorm your freshman year that walked around in tight shorts and tank tops all day? Yeah, well now she has put on 50 pounds and is carrying two kids on her back...and her fupa swallowed Charlie Weis.
There your have it. The first ever BC-ACE rankings are in the books. Feel free to not leave your epinions in the comments.


GMoney said...

Ummm, you won't find a team with a better resume than USC. Regardless of what you think of their opponents, they went into South Bend, Columbus, and Berkeley and got wins (within 5 weeks). The only other teams that could do that are Bama and Florida.

Anonymous said...


-Lil' Strut

Mr. Ace said...

If USC would have blown out ND then they would have been about 4 spots higher. But they let Clausen's queer march up and down the field at will and barely snuck out of there with a win.

MuDawgfan said...

Yes I know what you are saying

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