Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I Have So Many People to Thank

(You're Welcome)

To start off with, I want to thank all you wonderful readers; without you, my greatness just wouldn't be possible. I want to thank Dustin's parents for not aborting him, because without that decision the DFL never would have came about. I would like to thank G Money for thinking that he actually knows something about sports, because without that ignorance he would have never joined the DFL. I would also like to thank Billy Mays for creating Chipotlaway, because without his ingenuity I would not be able to plow through Chipotle everyday and still have sparkling white nut huggers.

Your favorite bloggers favorite blogger took your old buddy G Money to the woodshed in the DFL Sunday thanks to my superior fantasy ownership and my insurmountable desire to win. Now you may think Dustin's Fantasy League is a league where we pick unicorns, double sided dildo's, and Boy George's sex slaves but you would be wrong. It is, in fact, a fantasy football league and I must give Dustin some credit, he has been an incredible cummish thus far. Prior to Week 5 I was the only winless team in the entire league despite having the 8th most points in a 14 team league...I was getting fucked. But I knew G Money's crew of cumdumpsters were next up and he would be overlooking my sleeping giant. Sure enough, my boys shocked the world and I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the players responsible.

First, I must thank my work horse, Michael Turner. I didn't doubt you for a second, Burner. I couldn't have done it without your 27 points.

The biggest surprise of all, my WR's were responsible for 21 points. And Nate Burleson was responsible for every single one of them. I would also like to thank Matt Hasselback for not being a pussy for another week.

There was one player in GMoney's starting lineup who put up a giant goose egg...thank you Mike Sims-Walker for being a fuck up. Also, thank you Jack Del Rio for waiting until 10 minutes before kickoff to let the public know that Sims-Walker was a fuck up. And seriously, pick a fucking last name, MJD already has the duel last name covered.

The player who was most responsible for GMoney's demise was Chris Johnson. I need to thank you, Chris Johnson, for being so terrible that LenDale White got more carries than you.

I would also like to thank Roger Goodell for giving the Green Baby Packers a bye in Week 5. Without that glorious decision I would not have been able to show my fantasy brilliance.

But most importantly, I have to thank myself for being so unbelievably fucking awesome. You might think that with Aaron Rodgers being the only QB on my roster I might panic. Not this guy. I went to the waiver wire and found a true warrior, a hero...Josh Johnson. Although ESPN only had him projected at nine points, I could not be deterred. I knew the greatness that was Josh Johnson would come through in the clutch for me, because that is just what great players do. Thank you, Josh Johnson, for your 19 points.

After shellacking GMoney's cockboys, I now look forward to destroying commentor Daniel's squad of scallywags. I am a ridiculous 65 point favorite...which basically means I will be starting out balls deep in Daniel's rectum, instead of the usual foreplay and watching Brokeback that Daniel typically requires. To everybody in the DFL, I'll see you in the fucking championship, bitches.

While I'm at it, I might as well ride this momentum into the weekend and unleash my Vegas Special after a much needed week off. Conservative card this week, but these are sure things here, no risk.

NCAA Picks:
Boise St(-9.5) @ Tulsa. So Tulsa has absolutely murdered four of their five opponents. The only problem is, those four teams have combined for FIVE wins. The only time they came up against real competition they got curb stomped, 45-0, by an Oklahoma team sans Bradford. Also, Shaved Beaver abandoned my Wolverines at the last minute before he decommitted to attend Tulsa(WTF?) and I will be repaid by funds in my gambling account. Boise -9.5.

Fuckeyes(-13) @ Purdue. This line is already up to -14 but Dustin and I got on this one early yesterday...right after we got off the double sided dildo he gave away at the DFL draft. Purdue isn't nearly as bad as I thought they would be this week, but they still suck taint. This one will end up just like the Indiana game did. Fuckeyes -13.

Texas(-3.5) vs Oklahoma. I have a terrible feeling that I am going to get fucked by this half point, but I also have a feeling that Texas is going to come out gangbusters and send a message to the public that they belong, and belonged last year, in the National Championship game. Also, Bradford's second game back since his shoulder injury. No way he is back to 100% yet. Texas -3.5.

NFL Picks:
Lions @ Packers(-13.5). I have never been more certain about a pick. Green Bay is coming off a bye. They get their starting left tackle back, Chad Clifton, and they signed Tauscher to shore up the rest of the O Line. Aaron Rodgers is projected to put up 36 points fantasy points this week...which is 4 TD's and 300 yards passing. LOCK IT UP!

Eagles(-14) @ Raiders. The Raiders are a fucking mess, and I'm not even talking about their head coach threatening to take an assistant coaches life. Al Davis is still the owner and they are still allowing Jamarcus fucking Russel to start over the great one, Bruce Gradkowski. Eagles are up 28 by half and coast to a cover.

Chicago @ Atlanta(-3). Sunday night game in the ATL. Michael Turner got back on track against one of the best run defenses in the league last week and I think Atlanta's offense will keep rolling along against Chicago. Atlanta by 9.

That's right folks, all chalk. I'm rolling with the favorites this week.

Make sure to wish Lil Strut a happy birthday on the comments and feel free to question his sexuality/genitalia.

8 comments:

GMoney said...

Happy birfday, LS.

Your win last week is under protest. You also failed to mention that your two worst players, Michael Bush and Brian Westbrook, also scored for you.

Dustin said...

That boise line went down to 9! Wtf are people thinking???

I'm staying away from ou texas. Sam bradford is unpredictable.

Mr. Ace said...

I saw that Boise line move down yesterday and I can't quite figure it out. It is either the public's overreaction to Boise's lackluster performance against UC Davis last week or Vegas is just trying to create some doubt. Either way, Boise will dominate.

I hate all of the regular commentors equally.

GMoney said...

What does "Taint Bomb" have to do with this post anyway?

Mr. Ace said...

Because I am going to taint bomb the first person who asks that question.

Tony B. said...

That's right UC Davis is causing the line to move (but you're right, Tulsa will get murdered.)

The Raiders are so unbelievably bad. Now that would be the better former LA team to sell to Rush Limbaugh.

GMoney said...

Good fucking call on Boise State, pillow-biter.

Mr. Ace said...

I couldn't sleep because I am still fucking pissed about that game. HOW THE FUCK DO THEY NOT SCORE A POINT AFTER GOING UP 14! Fuck Boise.